Where has the time gone? Blast to the Past …

Date posted: Wednesday April 29th, 2009 || Filed under: Family, Life with Bipolar || 4 Comments

… I begin this entry with the title’s question: “Where has the time gone?”. Doesn’t it seem like the world is racing around us. My first born son, is going to be six years old this year. That just astonishes me. Nearly six years ago, he was born. Nearly six years ago I was pregnant, with Matt, in an abusive relationship, scared and alone, dropped out of high school, and lost all my friends.

It’s amazing I’ve come this far. Never would I think that I would be sending off my little boy to kindergarten. I didn’t think I’d ever find love that was as pure as I have. I wouldn’t never expected to be 22 years old and have two children. I don’t know what I expected. I am a completely different person from then, and yet still the same.

Age: 16 – High School Sophmore

I was a rude teenager, with a lot of mental health issues and no answers. I was constantly depressed and just angry with everyone. I picked fights with those who were the closest to me causing them to push away and then completely give up. My parents continuously gave up on me by sending me off to the other after six months. I moved, every six months because they simply grew tired of dealing with my crap. I stayed at friends house for days upon days just to get away from the reality of my home life. I met a boy, he showed me the love and attention I wanted; I took the bait. After three months, he got me to stop talking to my friends, (they were a bad influence on me, and they didn’t care for him so of course, that wasn’t acceptable) drop out of high school, (love is blind – especially when its ‘first love’ and you’re feeling so great to get that attention, you don’t want it to go away) and then ultimately get pregnant.

I lost contact with all my friends. I disappeared from talking to my family. All I had left was Matt, and now I was pregnant at sixteen. I was alone. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Scared. Uncertain.

Age: 17 – Stuck in a reality I didn’t want to admit.

By this time, Matt had proven that he not only lied and cheated – but I found out he was bisexual. He was controlling – I had to wear my hair, makeup, clothes, and act a certain way. He wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy because I did get so sick. I had Nickolas. It took three months, a few slaps around, and one last straw for me to leave. I got in contact with my Dad shortly before the baby was born and started to semi build a relationship with him. Thankfully I did that because I was able to break up with Matt and leave on Christmas day, three months after Nick was born.

… skip around a bit …

Age: 18 – Approximently 10 months later …

I ended up back with Matt. We were going to make it work. We were going to stay together. (Remind you, I had once again bounced back and forth between my parents a bunch of times w/ baby during that time) This lasted … four days … I was at his house, he was sick, a raging dickhead (for lack of better words) and I was irritated. Went online, found a friend was having a party, and did something I wouldn’t have normally ever done, I left. Went hung out at a friends house, there was a guy there sitting on the couch, said nothing, did nothing… just starred at me. He was mysterious, and actually kinda freaked me out a bit. He wore all black, a cap, and hid in his hoodie and just starred…

Who would’ve thought after that night, the party, and the mystery man… I went home and ended up finding out who he was, and talked to him a few times online. About three days later, I called it quits with Matt again, told him “I wasn’t ready to have a relationship with him.” Walked away … I went to Mike that night. We’ve been together ever since.

Age: 22 – Life as we know it …

So now, here we are… I’m nearly 23 years old. I’ve endured more emotion, pain, heartache, love, hurt, abuse, and neclect in my life and decided I’m tired of it. So, where am I now?

Engaged to who I feel is my soulmate.
Two beautiful little boys … One headed off to kindergarten in the spring and one who is growing so fast.
… still no real relationship with my parents. Their choice, not mine. If that’s how they want to treat their daughter, so be it.
Still having to deal with Matt every single day.
SAHM – Like I always wanted. I wanted to be a house-wife, stay at home mom, that did what I am ‘supposed to do’. Sometimes I regret it because the guilt of not being able to bring in any money bothers me, but I’m trying.
We’re not rich. We’re getting by… We have a roof over our heads – Although it sucks and I hate it. Its still a roof.
I have some really amazing future in-laws who not only care about me for who I am, but accept Nickolas as their grandchild – more so than my own parents.

You know how they say, you have to get rid of all the pain, guilt, and regret before you can heal? I’m trying to do that. My question is: “How can you get rid of the anger/guilt/pain/regret and rid yourself from that stress when you have to deal with that particular thing, every single day?”

I’m trying to do this self-therapy lately, and its a lot harder to do when you have no idea what you’re doing. I have no idea if I’m going through mania or depression – Its so clouded.

I want to let go of the past and look forward to the future – How can I do that when I’m constantly reminded of the past, and have to face it every day?

For instance – I look at Nickolas and sometimes I will admit – I feel remorse and regret. Not for having him, but for having to give him the lifestyle he has. A father that comes and goes when he feels necessary. I truely, purely hate Matt for everything he’s ever pulled and done. I hate the fact that he robbed me of my friends, teenage years, ability to graduate from an actual high school, and so much more. He took everything away from me when he talked me into getting pregnant for him. "We need to do this while we’re young. I want to be sure I can play ball with my son." (It HAD to be a boy, he would disown it if it wasn’t – his own words.) I was stupid for believing it all and letting it happen… I let my guard down and he took advantage of that. Do not get me wrong – I love Nickolas with all my heart.  I wouldn’t wish him away, or trade him away for anything in this world. I just have a really rough time sometimes knowing that I never got that chance to hang out with my friends all through high school, or go to my prom, or graduate with them. [Today] I couldn’t go out whenever I feel like it, I couldn’t get up and go. I wasn’t able to get my license because I had different priorities.

What makes this so hard … and I’m going to be one hundred percent honest here. I have a hard time not comparing Nickolas to Mikhail. When I had Nickolas, I wasn’t ever able to bond with him. I was bitter towards the fact I was 16 and now had a child I had to care for instead of going ot the mall. Worse, was the fact that Nickolas was being raised by me, and me alone.  I look at Mikhail and feel horrible.  He has both parents together. Both parents who love him very much. I want to do everything with him, be there for him with everything. I’m not saying I don’t with Nickolas, but I have such a hard time bonding with him, especially when he’s acting out. I know I’m the cause of that too, but that’s something I need to fix, and cannot.

When I was growing up, I had a step mom that I didn’t feel loved me at all. I later had a brother born, that was treated differently because both his parents were there. I was made out as the black sheep of the family and once I turned 18 I got pushed out because I was wrecking their “perfect little life” together. I look at how I felt back then, and fear with all my heart I’ll do the same. I don’t ever want to do that to Nickolas.

Every time I look at him, I see Matt. I see the abuse, the heartache, the pain, everything I went through, I see it in Nickolas. Then, I see how he treats Nickolas. He lavishes him in these gifts and expects him to dress and act a certain way… Then what happens? Nickolas gets everything he wants, spoiled rotten, and LOVES being with Matt, then comes home and hates being with me.

… this has been VERY hard for me to admit. Please do not judge me. I love both my children very much… its just so very different. With Mikhail, its nothing but love everywhere. All his grandparents, family, me and Mike, we’re all together.  Nickolas and I, then there is Matt who is there when its convince  for him… My family has absolutely nothing to do with Nickolas. Matt’s family could care less.

I hate myself for giving Nickolas a broken family/life.  I promised myself when I was younger that I would NEVER put my kids through what I was put through, and I’m now living a lie because that’s what I’m doing.

Nickolas acts out so much. He doesn’t listen to me, and I cannot bare it.  I’ve been very irritated lately and I have a hard time keeping calm when I have to yell at him, or repeat myself over and over again. I’ve been completely at my wits end lately. I don’t know how to deal with my emotions, let alone how to deal with a five year old who doesn’t know what to think/believe. He doesn’t feel love and I don’t know how to show that to him because I have no idea how to control any emotion in my life. I hate myself for how I act towards him. I hate myself for giving him a broken family. I hate myself for making his future hard. I hate myself for having bipolar and treating my loved ones like I do. I hate myself for giving up on doing whats right simply because I grow tired/bored. I hate myself for changing every single day to the point where Nickolas, nor anyone else, knows what the right thing to do anymore.

I have gone through so much … I’m 22 years old and act 40 sometimes. I wish I could go out more but we don’t have any means of a sitter besides Mike’s parents. We don’t like to ask them watch the kids on a weekly basis because its not their responsibility to watch them all the time.  My parents won’t do it – I usually have to pay them ridiculous amounts if I did. I don’t have friends (Mom-type friends) because apparently I don’t fit in that ‘group’ because I’m not old enough … That and anti-social anxiety kicks my ass in that department.

I wish I was able to have a childhood instead of raising myself.
I wish I could’ve enjoyed ALL of my teenage years instead of getting them ripped away by Matt.
I wish I could act my age instead of having all these responsibilities. I asked for my children, I understand that … Its just I see all these people from my graduating class going out every single weekend because they have permanent babysitters and or family that care …

I have so many raw emotion going on with me. I don’t know how to control it. I don’t even know where to begin to fix it.