Today was a joke. Well, not the entire day…

We all rose at 6 o’clock this morning. Mikhail said he would prefer an alarm. Heh. We’ll see, kid. That would involve him having a phone in his bedroom at all times and that’s just not going to happen. Unless, of course, we shut down the internet after bedtime hours. Anyway, we woke up this morning and because of our awesome preparedness we were all downstairs, no arguments, by 6:30. The boys ate their breakfasts right away. Nick argued with me about getting dressed in something that wasn’t basketball shorts and a Portillo’s shirt. In my defense, it dropped over 30° in the past 12 hours and it was COLD. By 7:10, Nick was getting his picture taken and headed out the door to wait for his bus. Mikhail, Mr. Impatient, decided it was a good idea to go outside over 30 minutes early to wait for his bus too. He rode his bike for a whole two laps around the driveway, decided he was freezing and grabbed his phone to play whatever game he had downloaded. By 8:04 both boys were gone and I was jumping in my car to head to the grocery store.

I went grocery shopping. I ended up spending way more than I wanted to. I did pick up two new hoodies for Mikhail so that was $35 right there. I got a ton of new foods to try with Mikhail for lunches. I picked up everything to make tortellini pasta salad for myself. I got a bunch of meals for dinner because THIS MOM IS GOING TO START COOKING DINNER ONCE AGAIN! I promise, no, I swear it. I came home and unloaded two trips to the car worth of groceries. (You know when *I* have a lot of groceries when I have to make two trips!) I had a lot of big stuff. (2) 6 pack cases of soda, an 8 pack of Gatorade, a gallon of milk, a case of water, and a 10lb watermelon. Obviously, I’m no Superwoman there was no way in freakin’ hell I was going to make that in one trip along with $100 worth of groceries.

After coming home and unloading everything, I hung out for a little while. I had some time to pass until my doctor’s visit. But first, my psychiatrist’s medical assistant called, she informed me to come in immediately to get a lithium level done. I explained that I went to the emergency room on Friday and that they took my lithium levels there. I told her I was 0.58 about 24 hours since taking my lithium. I also explained that the ER said that I was more than likely it was a Klonopin withdraw. I told her how I dropped from 3mg to 1mg and sometimes didn’t take it at all. She was like ‘WELL THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM!’ and said she’d put me on hold while she told the pdoc what happened. Pdoc said, “Yup, it’s Klonopin withdraws. Raise your mg up to 2mg and continue to take your lithium like you always do. I’ll see you in a few weeks.” I confirmed the date of my next appointment and let her go. Ok, so that’s two confirmations that this is Klonopin withdraws. Got it. I decided to check my pill box, no Klonopin in any of my days. I haven’t taken it for the past four days because I switched my dosage to taking it before bed every single day. I never added it to each day. So I went from 3mg to 1mg to nothing. It’s no wonder why I’ve been so blasted sick! Pdoc told me to go back up to 2mg one before bed, one in the morning, and take that and just deal with the dependency and become stabilized again.

Fast forward about two hours and I was headed to my new primary care physician’s doctor’s visit. I got called back right away and was seen early – fine by me. I explained the ER visit and the Klonopin withdraws and what the psychiatrist. He looked me over, listened to my heart, wrote me out a prescription for Prilosec, said something along the lines of, “If you want more refills to have Dr. Mikaeel fill them” and sent me on my way.

Yup, that was it. He told me ‘No doctor would fill out a prescription for 80mg of Prilosec’ and wrote me out a script for 40mg. I agreed with him but that didn’t seem right. I just checked I do in fact take 80mg of Prilosec each day. Dude, whatever. I’ll go back to my old doctor who told me I was fat. He’d probably give me more answers than this joke of a man.

So, left without answers or any help. Everything is chalked up to two things: Klonopin withdraws and Anxiety. Those two things are the root of all my problems.

So, I threw a Klonopin in my pill box each night. I’m going to take a Klonopin before work each morning and see how I do from there. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to take 2mg of Klonopin each night before bed and hope that the long-lasting effects and slow release of the drug will allow me enough coverage 8 hours later to get me through being anxious before work and all better.

What a mess! I go back to work tomorrow. I didn’t drink coffee until 1:30 pm today! I wasn’t super, overly tired for the most part of the day and handled not having any caffeine until later in the afternoon. I don’t know how much it has died down at work – it’s been a week since I’ve been there. I have to go in and talk to my manager and give her my work excuse from the ER and hope that’s enough to prove that I was, in fact, sick with something. I may have nine occurrences and the chances of being hired on have dropped significantly but at least I have excuses for almost every single occurrence I’ve earned. That’s got to count for something. I’m just calling in sick to call in sick. Ya know?

The boys both had successful days at school today. My worse fear came true, however, Nick’s bully is in both of his core classes. FUCK! He begged me to keep his classes and teachers, though. He said if it becomes a problem he will tell me immediately. He said to please keep his teachers because they love him and he thinks this year is going to be great with them. He said there was a lot of promise to this year. I can’t argue with him. I will keep a close eye on the situation with his bully being in his same classes but I guess there really wasn’t many different ways around it. He said he doesn’t sit anywhere near him and that he has so many different kids in his class that he doesn’t think it’s going to be a problem because he’s nowhere near him. *shrugs* Ok, Nick, I’m trusting you this time. If this kid causes my son to become suicidal again I’m going to raise the living hell out of that place. Remind you, this is the kid that said, “It’s no wonder why your dad left you. I mean look at you. You’re fat and a piece of shit” to Nick last year. Little bastard. Ugh. I don’t want to think of it. Please let this year go well. Please do not let this kid be a problem for Nick. Please let Nick do what he has to do and do it well.

This blog post is way longer than I was expecting to write. Sorry about that. I guess I had a lot more to say than I thought. Someday I’ll learn to shorten it up a bit. Proofreading and going back and reading the blog posts after I write them would help with that, but I never read my blog posts after I write them. I just write what I feel. I put my fingers to the keyboard and just type my heart away.

That’s all. I hope tomorrow is a successful day again with work and all. We’ll see, won’t we? Talk to you all later.

written on at 4:33 pm || Filed under: Accomplishments, Anxiety, Health, Ohana, Parenting, Struggles, Work

One Response to “What a Joke!”

  1. […] visits on Tuesdays and figure out what is wrong with you! — saw the doctor yesterday – What a Joke. — see therapist and psychiatrist in two weeks like regularly scheduled — try to see if […]

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