I took a picture this morning. I saw the picture multiple times. I saw it on Instagram after posting it. I saw it on Facebook after posting it. Through out the day, I saw it many times. Each and every time I saw this photograph I grew more and more disgusted. Is that really me? Ugh. How did I become that? Here’s the photo I’m talking about. (Ugh, I get to see it again)

Rosy cheeked, swollen… Disgusting. At first, I was like, aw, that’s a nice picture with Mikhail and I. Look we’re both smiling. I couldn’t look past what I really saw. The chubby cheeks. The bad complexion.

I have been told so many times before, “would you say that to one of your friends? Treat yourself how you would treat a good friend. Be kind to yourself.” Yea, I know.  However, I cannot look past that.

This is it. This is the turning point. Did you know when I stepped on the scale at the hospital that I weighed more than I have ever weighed in my lifetime?! Do you want to know that number? Well, I’m all about holding myself accountable so I’m going to tell you anyway. I weighed 277lbs. Two hundred and seventy-seven pounds. *gags* How disgusting. How did I allow myself to get this way?!

Lithium – causes weight gain

Risperidone – causes weight gain

Wellbutrin – causes weight gain

Humira – may cause weight gain

All medications that I take.

I counted calories and I didn’t gain. It was like when I counted calories I simply broke even. I didn’t gain, I didn’t lose, I just broke even. I stopped counting and look what happened. I jumped over 25lbs in the past six months. That is INSANITY.

So tell your psychiatrist to take you off those medications that cause weight gain.” He won’t because those medications are keeping me stabilized. Stable Nik is a healthy Nik. Fat Nik is not healthy but in my pdoc’s eyes stability is much more important than anything else because without stability you have nothing else.

I’m disgusted with myself. I cannot believe I let it get this bad. I’m fighting an uphill battle with my weight. I’m fighting this battle of losing weight even against all my medications.

So let me get this straight. If I count calories, I do not lose but I do not gain. I break even. So in my head, I must count calories to stay at my current weight but I must also add exercise to lose? Sounds reasonable to me.

So the game plan is this:

  • After Disney, start counting calories – HARD CORE again
  • introduce you to kettlebell exercises to build muscle and strength
  • set up the bike and introduce bike rides in the basement to build stamina and stability
  • LOSE THE WEIGHT FOR GOOD

I need to do something because of that picture… I cannot even describe how that picture makes me feel.

That’s all for now.

written on at 9:31 pm || Filed under: Health, Struggles, Weight Loss

2 Responses to “Weight Loss, Please”

  1. Sheri says:

    I’m glad that you did see the smiles, and I’m also glad that you knew exactly what I would have said to you. But Nik, I also understand what you’re saying. I will do whatever I can to help you, if there’s something specific I can do tell me. Otherwise I’ll just sit here waving my pompoms cheering you on.

  2. Hiro says:

    I think you look great, but I know it’s hard to see yourself like you see your friends’ photos. I see a sliver of double chin in an otherwise fine photo and go “NOPE DELETE” but does anyone else see them? Nah.
    I felt really really grossed out by how I was feeling and how I looked a year and a half ago (beginning of 2016), and decided to change it. I kind of made a declaration to myself like you just did, owned up to how much I weighed (more than I ever had), and made an attack plan. I got a food log book from May Books (I just checked; they still have it! it’s called “Health and Fitness Notebook”- if you want to check out what kind of layout worked for me), which allowed me to write in everything I ate for every meal, and also exercise I did, to keep track. I got shit ton of cute stickers and such to motivate me to mark off “gym days” and “weigh ins” and “running” and whatever I thought would be good to keep track of (I’m a sucker for cute planner materials/stickers, so these were great motivators for me LOL). I started running (obviously not ACTUALLY running… more like walking…faster…than walking…), and started at 30 minutes once a week. And just the fact that I was “doing” something like going to the gym kept me motivated, and after a while, I was going more often, running faster, moving on from elliptical to treadmill.
    I didn’t go on an actual “diet” as in calorie counting, but by writing in the book EVERYTHING I ATE, I was holding myself accountable. I didn’t want to leave a record of how badly I ate, so I tended to not reach for that snack or sugary drink. It really helped to just get rid of the junk food I populated my work desk with, too. Easy accessibility = more eating :( I also tried to figure out WHY I was eating… Mostly stress and boredom.
    I also signed up for my first 5K race a few months after I started running, kind of to have a “deadline” for getting my act together. I don’t like wasting money, so having a race I paid for meant I was financially obligated to make it worth it, or I wasted the race fees.
    After a month or two of logging food, I no longer had to log my eating; it kind of became more “natural.” I was also able to be a little freer with what I ate, because I was exercising a lot more, and running up to 3 or 4 races a month. I was super fit, lost 20 lbs in half a year, and was feeling GREAT.
    And then my boyfriend at the time cheated on me with my roommate, my world turned upside down, and then I lost the momentum. Since then I’ve gained back maybe like 10lbs (but I tell myself I’m still down 10!), and was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. So I can no longer run, but since I started getting sick again, I’ve been going to yoga, doing cycling at the gym, and just trying to figure out how I can participate in low-impact sports. The drug I’m on for the arthritis is also known to cause weight gain, so I am pretty scared about that, but I’m hoping I’ll be able to figure out a good system.
    I wish eating wasn’t such a great past time for me… As in I just mindlessly eat snacks or whatever happens to be there… I’m not even really hungry!
    I guess moral of the story is, be who I was a year ago, now who I have been in the past year… But… GOOD LUCK!
    I’m trying to embark on a fitness/wellness journey too!!! Hope we can keep each other pom-pomed :D (Also I know this whole life-story was completely unsolicited but… Just wanted to show how I did manage to do that 20lb weight loss in 6 months thing that people talk about without heavily reducing my eating. However, when life throws you lemons… It’s hard to maintain. LOL.)

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