Ta-Da! I’m back. Well, not exactly. I’m here to update my blog, but thats about it. I’ve officially been off work since the 8th of May. Going to continue my leave of absence, medical leave, short term disability, until the 30th of June; for now. Basically went to the see the doctor on Monday. He really believes I’ll be all better by then. Which is ironic because he’s been saying that since I started seeing him and since I’ve become pregnant in the first place. “You should be all better by then…” Pfft. I don’t believe that. I haven’t felt “better” yet. Yes. I’m eating again. Well, more like I’m forcing myself to eat, then forcing myself NOT to go into the bathroom and throw up profusely. :sick: :sick: :sick: I’m also forcing myself to eat foods that I would literally die from throwing up. The ones thats you lose your breath during. (Sorry so graphic, but thats how it is.) I’m still losing weight, but the doctor said that I was stabilizing because I’m not losing at the previous rate I was. Even though, I’ve only been weighed twice. *sigh* Who knows, MAYBE some miracle will happen, and I will actually be “ALL BETTER” out of no where within the next three weeks. IF that happens, then my doctor should be a millionaire because he can predict the future. I’m just really frustrated about the entire thing. My short term disability only goes until the 30th of June. I don’t have an appointment to see the doctor until the 3rd of July. Which means, if I do return to work on that date that I’m supposed to; I’ll either not have restrictions off the phones or I’ll have to call the doctors office sooner, and PRAY they see me in time before their deadline of work release passes. I just wish I could stop thinking about all of it. Stop worrying about something that is out of my control. I also wish I could just give a leave of absence notice to work and stay off until after this baby is born. No one is allowing me to do that though. Heaven knows; We can’t afford it. Dammit, I don’t want to work. I don’t want to force myself to get up in the morning, which makes me feel 300xs worse to begin with, and go sit in some basement where its loud, and theres tons of smells that make you want to gag. Then I’ll have to deal with the arrogant people that we speak to on the phones daily. No rest. No eating what seems like a good idea at the time. No ice chips. What if I run out of my “safe drink” while I’m there…? I don’t exactly have a car to just be able to go get something. Whats more, what if I can’t get something until lunch time. During how ever long it takes for me to get what i need to feel better… I’m going to feel like shit. I’ll be damned if I have to throw up in a trash can thats next to me. 1. I wont do that to my co-workers. It will have to happen WAY too much. 2. I can’t. I simply cannot throw up anywhere but in a toilet. Call me crazy. “If you’re that sick, then you could throw up anywhere.” Nope. Not me. I was raised to throw up in a toilet. Its completely unacceptable to do it anywhere else. So… I’m on offline work, so I’m off the phones. Uh oh! I need to go throw up! *Changes the state on the computer to go to restroom* What do you know! I got a phone call!!! The call is a homeowner; They don’t know what they’re doing… Its now been 30 minutes. I still need to throw up. FINALLY! I get off the phone! *Goes and throws up for 20 minutes* I go back to work. Put myself in offline work again. 30 minutes later… Repeat above. God yes! That sounds like A HELL OF A DAY FOR ME! What about you? Seriously… I don’t want to go back to work. I don’t want to work period. I know I need money. I know we cannot afford it. I know I have a baby on the way I need to worry about. But you know what… I DO NOT CARE! I don’t want to have to make myself suffer like that every single day. Who the fuck would? Anyways; Thats whats going on. I’ve been a complete basket case since Monday. Racking my brain on to what I should do. Everyone keeps telling me; Worry about it later. Well, thats not how I freaking work. No, they have to give me a three week extension on my short term disability. SO for the next three weeks, what am I doing? I’m worrying about the day after that three weeks. I don’t know why I operate that way. I don’t want to operate that way. But I do. Plain and Simple.

Written on Wednesday June 11th, 2008 at 11:18am || Filed under: Health ||