The clock is ticking. Do you hear it? Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

The time is running out. I have so much to think about.

Is he not ready? Or is he? Am I the one holding him back from going further?

We have two weeks. Time will tell how things go. I don’t know if I can handle it.

Is he ready? Am I not? Will he figure it out as the time goes by?

………………………………………………………………………………………….

Nick emailed me from school today. It was regarding his bully. His bully said something that cut him deep and hurt him. Which made me believe that maybe, just maybe, he had that thought once again. The thought of suicide. My baby. Wanting to kill himself. The comment was mean. It was nasty. It was something that I knew would hurt Nick deeply. “You’re a fat dumbass no wonder your dad left you.” I ached just reading it let alone having someone say it to me. Nick, heartbroken, emailed me and his counselor at school. I read the email and had to leave for work. I sat at work worried. Is my baby upset? Of course, he’s upset! I had to get out of there. I put in for VTO around 9:30, shortly after I got there. It was shortly later, I ran into my boss, it was meant to be. I explained to her the situation very briefly and she said she would see what she could do about getting me out of there sooner. Around 12:45 pm, I was told I could go.

I came home, I emailed Nick, I asked if he was ok. He said, “yea a bit”. That didn’t help the situation any.

He didn’t talk much when he got home. He explained what happened quickly then went on the Xbox just as quick and stopped talking. I let him have his time. I did bring up the subject again when Mike was sitting next to me and he had no distractions around him. He re-explained what happened. He said it did hurt. It did cut deep. “But I’m doing my best to ignore it.” There’s just not much getting through to that one. Which upsets me more than it obviously upsets him. I worry about him. He is a teenager that doesn’t seem to care much.


In other news, I have less than 9.5 days to figure out A SHIT TON OF STUFF.

  • Mikhail’s camp stuff
    * does he need a disposable bag lunch each day or can we use reusable lunch containers?
    * should I pack a backpack for him with a change of clothes and a towel each day because there is a chance they’ll do water sports if the temperature is 85°f or higher and this way I won’t forget to check the weather and pack it each day just in case?
    * will I be getting out of work at 3:30 pm each day to ensure I am available to pick him up BEFORE 4:30 pm every single day?
    * if I do get out of 3:30 pm, I will lose 30 minutes of pay, do I want to switch my hours to start at 8:30 to make up that 30 minutes? Do I want to start work at 8 am instead and make 6.5 hours of pay instead of only 6 with a lunch?
  • Nick being home alone all day
    * I need to figure out chores for each day. Every day I plan to write 3 chores on the calendar. He is responsible for waking up, eating breakfast, CLEANING UP BREAKFAST, and doing those three chores. I *think* I am going to rate those chores being done on a 1-3 basis. If all three were done, properly, without having to correct or redo anything, I’ll give him a $3 and the full amount of dollar amount given. A two will be half the dollar amount when not properly or fully be done. 1 would be zero dollar amount and a try better again tomorrow. He will also lose time away from his tablet, Xbox, or some technology if he receives a 1 because he made zero effort to do his daily chores so obviously he doesn’t deserve rewards like the internet or gaming. All of this is a rough draft… I haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to execute this idea.
    * I need to work on showing Nick more ways to be responsible. Whether that’s teaching him how to cook or having him cook with me each day until he learns valuable lessons in the kitchen. I need to show him how I want certain chores to be done and how I expect them to be done. Sure, I’ll be easy on him the first few times but after showing and doing them with him for the first few times I’ll expect them to be done the right way.

That’s just a little of what’s on my mind.
I need to find out if I have off the last day of school which I put in for before I started work so that date shouldn’t be an issue. I requested the first day of camp off so I could figure out how to execute getting Mikhail to and from camp every day, where we need to drop off, etc. I also requested a half day for a day we have to go to a wedding. So, I need to figure out if I have off those three days and if work will be willing to change my schedule to 3:30 pm. Right now she says it shouldn’t be a problem. I haven’t definitely told her if I’ll be starting any earlier to make up those hours.

Gah! Just so much to think about. I literally have two weeks to figure all this out. My mind isn’t in the right functioning order to be able to comprehend what needs to be figured out.

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written on at 7:59pm || Filed under: Parenting

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