I’ve come to the conclusion – I REALLY need to stop listening to what my Mom has to say.

I call her, looking for guidance, looking for acceptance, help, or comfort. SOMETHING. The conversation starts off fine, and then I open my mouth a little bit, and it’s too late. I tell her what’s going on with the doctors, and how the only options that are left are either being put on “lock-up” at the psych ward, or Intensive Outpatient GROUP therapy. Then I start to choke up, “I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to look at my oldest son and feel nothing but remorse, regret, guilt, and pain. I want to be able to love him like a child deserves and needs.”

Not remembering the exact conversation word for word… The following things were said.
“Maybe you do need to be locked up. You’re psychotic for thinking those things. That’s the problem Nikkole, you don’t call and say you’re stressed out, can I take Nickolas. You say some shit about how you can’t stand this kid and that you’re at a complete wits end and that you can’t do it anymore, you don’t want to do it anymore and you want someone to take it away forever.” — Never once had I said I wanted to give up Nickolas. When I’m upset, stressed out, etc. I have asked for help from my family to take him so we can BOTH get a break from each other, because I don’t know how to cope.

I told her, “That’s the problem Mom. I don’t THINK NORMALLY when it comes to Nickolas. I feel like I need to get away from him when things get rough, or I get stressed out and he builds on that stress. Instead of feeling like I should be the best Mom I can be, I give up, break down, and don’t care. That’s NOT NORMAL! That’s what I’m TRYING TO GET HELP FOR.”

Her response was something regarding how she’s not the one that MADE me get pregnant. I told her, “No. Matt was there, he showed me guidance, acceptance, and love. Those are the things I needed the most. All my parents and family did was kick me out every few weeks. Here he was, giving me what I needed, and I didn’t want that feeling to go away, I just wanted to feel good. And when he told me he wanted me to have a baby with him, I did it because I didn’t want that good feeling to go away. I did whatever it took to have it continue and now look where it landed me. HE can be a father whenever its convenient for him. I feel nothing but regret and remorse.”

“So its MY FUCKING FAULT you got pregnant? What do you want from me Nikkole?! This world does not revolve around you! I have my OWN LIFE to deal with NOT YOURS. I have my OWN SHIT TO DEAL WITH! I cannot drop EVERYTHING I AM DOING TO HELP YOU! Maybe you should be locked up.”

“Even if I COULD get on lock down, how the FUCK IS THAT GOING TO WORK!? I have NO ONE HERE FOR ME! No one to watch the kids. No one to be there for me.”

… “When the time comes, they will help you. People will be there for you.”
… “What do you mean they? What about you? This is what I’m fucking talking about I have NO ONE here. I have Mike’s family MAYBE I WANT MY OWN FAMILY TO CARE!”

“We can’t care anymore Nikkole. You’ve pushed us away and said the worse things. No one can talk to you anymore because that’s all you do is whine and complain and bitch and moan about what’s going on in your life. You don’t want help, you just push everyone away. No one wants to bother with you because either you’re too depressed to care about anyone but yourself, or you don’t care enough to even get the help. That’s why you have no one to be there for you, no one cares anymore because you’ve made it that way. You only care about yourself. No one wants to be apart of that anymore. I’m done talking to you because this just isn’t going to work. All you’re going to do is make me cry, and make me upset. And i’m not doing this right now.”

… she then hung up on me. Thanks Mom. Maybe I have pushed everyone away to the point of their running away. They are FAMILY. They should be here no matter what. They, of all people, should know better than anyone that I say things I don’t mean, and they’re just words. They should know, of all people, that I just want someone to be here for me. I push people away because I don’t know what people fucking want from me. I push people away because I don’t know how to react to people.

I PUSH PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE ALL MY LIFE THEY KICKED ME OUT AND TOLD ME TO GET. What else do they expect?!

Written on Thursday July 16th, 2009 at 9:41am || Filed under: Family, Life with Bipolar, Parenting ||