Well, I officially am having a really rough time. I don’t know if its necessarily just being overwhelmed, or if its postpartum depression. Regardless, its wrecking havoc on my life right now. I was really sad on Saturday. The baby is already a week old. I mean, whats a week? Its the thought about how fast it is going. Goodness, a week passed like it was nothing. I would’ve gone back to being in labor again, going through all the pain and being stuck at the hospital all over again. I don’t want to miss anything this time around. With Nickolas, I missed a lot because of my own stubbornness.

Which brings me to my next problem: Nickolas. I constantly question whether or not my parenting is any good. Am I doing this right? Am I making the right decision by disciplining him the way that I am? Is how I’m parenting him, causing him to act out in the manner he is? I’m always at this never ending battle with myself and questioning everything I do. Its causing me a lot of heartache and sadness. The other day, I was having a really hard time grasping the fact that I now have two children. I fear that I’ll care about Mikhail more than Nickolas. I have a lot of thoughts about how I never took the time to really enjoy Nickolas as a newborn. I pray I don’t treat them differently. With Nickolas, I was 17 years old, I was ‘forced into’ being a parent so young. I was with a guy who made me believe that all he wanted to be happy was having a child with me, and when I gave him what he wanted, he turned around and wanted nothing to do with us. I am just plain confused with my own thoughts. I love Nickolas dearly, and yet sometimes I resent what he represents. I constantly look at him and see Matt, not in his personality, but in his physique. I don’t hate Nickolas. I love him, for he is my son. I feel guilty. Mike and I will be laying together on the couch, while I have the baby in my arms. Nickolas will be playing in his room. I don’t want him to feel left out. Then he acts out. He doesn’t listen. He gets punished for his actions, sent to his room, etc. He’s being forced to stay in his room because he is getting in trouble for what he did, and here we are, sitting together like a perfect little family, but that doesn’t include Nickolas. Include him, right? I want to, but I cannot just let him get away with not listening, he needs to receive a punishment for his actions. I constantly fear that Nickolas will be treated differently from Mikhail. That he will resent the fact that I had another baby. I fear the most, that I’m going to end up being the one that treats him differently. I just have so many conflicting thoughts in my head. I don’t know how to get it out to make any sense. I don’t know how to explain what it is that I’m thinking. Maybe I need to see a counselor again, get back on my anti-depressant medications. I know that’s what I need. Its the matter of doing it. The ability to do it. I don’t know how to feel like a good parent anymore. I am in a constant battle with myself over what I do with Nickolas. I feel guilty just sitting there feeding the baby and not being able to take my eyes off him. I feel guilty that Mikhail has Mike as a Dad and Nickolas has Matt. I have so much guilt. Matt hasn’t seen Nickolas in over a month. He says he’s sick. I honestly think he’s just jealous, and pissed off at me for having another child. He’s always had this fucked up thought in his head that we’d some day be back together, to have a family together. He is nuts if he thinks that would ever happen. He brought it up last time we spoke online. “You’re teaching our son to call Mike Dad.” :rolleyes: No. I did not. If he took the time to see Nickolas, and ask him for himself, Nickolas would explain exactly why he calls Mike Dad. “My Dad doesn’t answer the phone for me. He doesn’t see me anymore. He’s stupid. Mike is my good Dad.” That’s his reason.I wish I could explain what exactly it is that goes through my mind 90% of the time. It is impossible. Its always back and forth between one thought and another. I’m a good mom. What I am doing is right. I’m doing the best I can. I’m treating Nickolas the best I can. I’m giving him as much attention as I can. Then it turns around, and I’m thinking exactly the opposite, 180° difference. I’m a horrible mom. I don’t spend enough time with Nick, that’s why he acts out. I am treating Mikhail with more love and attention. I can do so much better.I don’t know. I am so back and forth. I feel guilt. I feel sadness. In another sense, I’m so happy and grateful with what I have right now. I just don’t know.

Written on Monday December 15th, 2008 at 3:52pm || Filed under: Parenting, Struggles ||