I have been pretty stressed out lately. I have a lot on my mind. I have a bout of agitated mania currently that isn’t making things any easier. Like, last night I was a raging maniac. I was just so angry, all because the boys wouldn’t just go to bed. Mike came upstairs from the basement to yell at me saying “yea because yelling at them is working so well…” Fuck off. When YOU put them to bed every single night then you can tell me what works and what doesn’t work. That’s not true, though. I know yelling at them doesn’t work but fuck I was irritated. I ended up going to bed pissed off – late – and very restless. Needless to say, I didn’t get a good night’s sleep and without that plus adding my Ambien, I’m groggy and tired this morning.

Work Life

Life with work is … life at work. Every morning before I go to work I get sick to my stomach. I feel like I’m going to puke or end up having to rush to the bathroom. On Monday, I had a lot of chest tightness from a panic attack I gave myself. It wasn’t fun. Once I was at work, inside, and punched in and at the register, I was fine, though. I did what I needed to do and just pushed through it. It’s just every morning before work I feel sick. I get so anxious and work myself up so badly.

I wonder if I’ll feel this way going back to DHL? Will the stress melt away because it’s a job I actually like and am comfortable with? At this point, the taste of money has been tasted by Mike and I and not working just isn’t an option. Having a job is something I’m going to have to do. No one believes I am incapable of working, regardless of how my mental/physical health is. I think people think I’m lying or exaggerating when I say I’m having panic attacks or getting sick to my stomach before work. Whatever. People can believe what they want, I guess.

Time is ticking and the closer we get to January, the more I think about going back to DHL and how nice it will be. I posted a memory I had yesterday from when I worked 2nd shift. Remind you, I did terrible during 2nd shift, so I hated working back then. I always VTO’d and went home early… I found this memory and after reading it I thought to myself, Omg. Even a “bad” day sounds 300xs better than any OK day I can have now. Here’s the memory from 5 years ago.

has a massive headache after the day I had at work. I did stay my entire shift. YAY! I won at bingo too. First game I played I won. I won a DHL Gift Bag (whatever that is) and 5 digger dollars. Used to put in for raffles. I put in for 8 hrs Paid Time Off. 4hrs PTO, 2hr PTO. $20 target gift card, and $25 starbucks gift card. We’ll see what else I can win. Turned in my Whose Who for baby pictures. It was a fun customer service week. Wish I could have been more apart of it workiing more. OH! I had a caller that talked my ear off for 32 minutes. I know everything about him. He’s a doctor and a farmer. He was having a bon fire. Invited all of us out for it. He was divorced. He told crude jokes. It was interesting. Also probably the reason I have a headache. Oh well, I’m done for the week.

I look at that and think that actually sounds like a fantastic day! He wasn’t a rude caller, he simply wanted to talk… that passes the time! I had a pleasant customer talking my ear off for 32 minutes and I had to do nothing else other than fight him to get some information out of him. Nothing wrong with that. Plus OMG! Customer Service Week! How fun was that! We have so many games and prizes and fun that week. The DHL gift bag was cool and had a bunch of DHL merchandise in it plus I won the $20 Target gift card that I put in for. 

See, all of that day seemed terrible to me at the time but looking back at it now it sounds like an easy fucking day to me.

Time will tell.

Computer Issues

I’m having issues with my computer. It’s pissing me off. Every time I type so many sentences the sentence will delete the entire line. I have no idea what the hell is going on or why it’s doing this but OMFG It’s annoying! I believe it might be a virus or something. Either way, it’s getting to the point where I don’t know what to do about it. I think I’m going to have to reformat my hard drive and start over again.  Grr. That will take a few hours and I’m not looking forward to starting over. I don’t even know if that will fix the issue because I can’t find ANYTHING on the internet about people having this problem.

Ugh, I better go find my external hard drive which has all my programs on it and work on that.

written on at 9:21 am || Filed under: Anxiety

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