… I was going to write an entry about the emotional past two days but I decided it was best to keep this unsaid publicly, just in case.

I’ve been a mess the past two days regarding work and everything to do with working.

Mike talked some sense into me but I’m still not convinced.

I made a new rule for myself: No thinking about work unless I am AT work.

I called in today because my ear was STILL bugging me but also because I needed to take a personal day from all the emotional turmoil that I’ve caused myself the past two days.

I am overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts and I am so jumbled in my head that I have no idea what are real thoughts or simply thoughts that have been planted in my head by others.

I feel inadequate. I don’t feel as though I qualify for my job.

I keep “putting all the eggs in the basket” for going back to my old place of employment but 1. I don’t even know if they’d take me back 2. I wasn’t able to do it last time, what makes me think I could do it this time?

I need something to work towards. Something I REALLY want. What is it that I want?! I haven’t the faintest idea. Mike says to work towards knowing that I am our security blanket. I’ve replayed that thought in my head 300,000 times since he said it. “I am our security blanket if something were to go wrong.” Ok. Fine. I also asked him “What if I spend it all?” He said, “At least then I know you bought something you wanted for yourself.” I need to find balance – GREY AREA – between both. Savings and spending. So far, I’ve done a wonderful job spending it.

I was worried that he wasn’t getting what he wanted for the Firebird and that he wanted me to work for money for that. He kept saying we needed money but in my eyes, we didn’t. We were doing fine. I never once asked him for a dime for anything! Why do/did we need money? This is still a pretty vague area.  He does not need my paychecks for his project. He wants me to work for two reasons. 1. I am working for a security to the family that if something happens to the cars, or bills, or something, we have a little bit of money to fall back on from my paychecks. 2. If I want to buy something, for myself, for the kids, for the house, I can buy whatever it is that I want.  He wants me to be able to buy whatever it is I want because I am constantly saying I want to do or buy something and put it off because I cannot. He wants me to be able to just buy whatever I want to buy.

Here lies the problem, what do I want to buy? I need to come up with something to work towards. I need to think to myself, “What do you want!?” Once I answer that question, I’ll have a purpose. I’ll have a reason to work. I’ll have something to work towards.

What do you give a frugal, selfless person who hates spending money on herself or feels as though she has everything she wants?

I went on my wishlist yesterday and started to update it. I started adding the most random stuff – stuff I wanted – then promptly told myself “You don’t need that. What do you need to spend money on that for?!” Nothing was worthy of my money.

Ok? If I cannot spend my money on myself, what should I save for? Christmas? A big trip somewhere? Meh to all of it.

This is all excuses! THESE ARE ALL EXCUSES I’M MAKING FOR MYSELF AS TO WHY I CANNOT WORK!

Why am I doing this to myself?! It feels great, WONDERFUL even when my boss comes up to me and praises me for doing a good job. “I knew I had a feeling about you. You are doing wonderful things. I knew I had a good feeling when I hired you and so far you’re proving all these things right.” So why isn’t those few sentences good enough for me? Why can I not remind myself every day that I am doing good things? Why do I constantly second guess my capabilities and NOT allow myself to succeed?

Why do I always, constantly, second guess myself and wonder why I am incapable of doing things? It’s like I need constant approval and praise. Without it, I feel as though I’m not doing good or right by anyone.

I’m also REALLY good at making shit up in my head. This department or this department don’t like me. Why do I think that!? Why do I even care!? Always need to impress people. Always have to be perfect. Always have to do right/good/perfection. Why, though!? Why am I like that?!

All of this started because my ear started bothering me and EVER since then I’ve had problems. My crutch? My excuse!? Mike said it’s been one excuse after another since I started working.

Why am I making so many excuses? Is life so fucking hard and stressful to me that I cannot handle a little change or alteration to my routine? Why are everyday things so hard for me to achieve? Why do I make such a HUGE deal out of everything I have to overcome?

WHY CAN’T YOU JUST FUCKING DO WHATEVER EVERYONE IS ASKING YOU!? 

I’m not allowed to give up.

I’m not allowed to have a hard time with things.

I am required to just fucking do it and do it with a smile.

I’m not allowed to give up on anything that is hard.

I fight for everything. I bust my ass and work towards so much but no one sees that.

It’s when I give up, fail, want to give in, or have a hard time when everyone sees what isn’t being done.

Is that my fault? Am I incapable of seeing my progress and success and only see my failures too?

I don’t even know what I’m thinking anymore. Why can I not allow myself to succeed? Is it because I fear someone is going to expect even more from me? Is it because I fear what comes next? Why won’t I allow myself to grow? I don’t want to grow for what reason? Do I honestly want to look back at my life and regret EVERYTHING because I wouldn’t allow myself to do ANYTHING with my life?

I won’t know how far I can go if I don’t allow myself to work towards SOMETHING. I NEED A PURPOSE!

Let’s brainstorm… what can I buy or work towards?

  • Nintendo 3DS for myself $130
  • New tablets for the boys for Christmas $200-300
  • Google Play gift cards so they can rebuy all their favorite games on their new tablets $100
  • Nintendo Mini $60
  • New rechargeable batteries $30
  • new coloring stuff for myself $50-75
  • Apparently, the boys each want their own computers?!?! Plus desks in their rooms… $500-800
  • new tires for Mike’s project car $500
  • Trainer for my bike for the basement $??

That’s a good, expensive start. Ok, so maybe I do need this job to help pay for all these things that we want to have.

I need to allow myself to succeed.

I need to allow myself to be praised AND BELIEVE THE PRAISE!

I need to remind myself that this isn’t about me and that I’m perfectly capable of doing anything I put my mind to even if I don’t feel like doing it. I have absolutely no excuse that is good enough to why I cannot do this.

I’m spent on writing… I’ll end this here.

written on at 1:50 pm || Filed under: Struggles

Leave a Reply