There are so many things I should be doing right now.

  • I should have immediately got in from getting Mikhail on the bus, went upstairs, showered, did my hair and makeup, and got dressed for the day. Instead, I came inside, took a sip of coffee and sat down instead. There’s always tomorrow. *insert eye roll here*
  • I should be in my car driving to the clinic to get my bloodwork taken care of. Instead, I am going to wait until the afternoon when I can call the clinic that is closer to me and ask them if they have a lab and go there instead. They don’t open until 12. George says they have one and that’s where he goes, however, I’ve never been there so I want to be sure. If they don’t, and I cannot go there, I’ll go to my usual place and do it this afternoon.
  • I should be cleaning the house or something productive instead I sit here and write about all the things I should be doing instead of, ya know, just doing them.

Here are some things I did do, to make me feel better about myself:

  • I got the boys up and ready for school which was challenging today because neither of them wanted to go.
  • I got Mikhail to eat some food for breakfast. So many times he is so busy doing something or being preoccupied that he cannot worry himself about things like breakfast. Which is crazy to me because when that kid doesn’t eat every few hours he grows HANGRY and all sorts of childish. He managed one waffle with Nutella. Not the most nutritious meal in the entire world but it was something in his belly.
  • I did start the new habit that I want to form this morning. I wanted to get the boys up, go downstairs and start my coffee. While my coffee was brewing, I wanted to empty the sink of all the clean dishes. It was perfect timing. I got the sink emptied and all the dishes put away by the time my coffee was done.
  • I got Mikhail to take his medicine and his inhaler.
  • I got about 1/3 of my cup of coffee gone. This is going to be a huge problem. I’m so used to leisurely drinking my coffee that I sometimes don’t finish until 10-11 am! I’ll be at work by 8:45, so the first few days I won’t be able to, but once I’m settled I’ll have to bring my coffee with me. Minor inconvenience.
  • I doubled check to make sure my blood work order was in the system so there are no surprises when I arrive at the clinic.
  • I filed my taxes! Hooray!
  • I got Nick off to school.
  • Mikhail decided AFTER the alarm went off to tell us GET OUTSIDE that he didn’t want their hot lunch. I ran into the kitchen and threw anything I found into his lunch box and into his backpack as we walked out the door.
  • We played catch as usual.

Ugh, I was just looking up chest pain. I have like a weird tightness in my chest that will NOT go away. I’ve had it since yesterday. I keep feeling like I have to take a deep breath. I’ve contemplated taking a couple of puffs of my inhaler. Maybe I’ll do that to see how it relieves it. Mike would be like, “GO TO A FUCKING DOCTOR ALREADY!” I have been so many god damn doctors over the past weeks with SO much going on in my body and none of the doctors have any answers, so what’s the point? “Oh, it’s stress.” It’s always stress.

I was going to come here and write about so many things and I lost all motivation. I just want to curl into a ball on the couch and wake up when my body decides to cooperate.

Tonight is freshman orientation at the HS. I can’t quite process that I’ll have a kid in high school. Where the hell did these years go?

On Saturday, we are *hopefully* driving two and half hours to Wittenberg, WI to Nueske’s. They’re having some stock-up sale. I hope to god they have bacon left because we are going on their LAST day of the sale. EEP! We got a hotel room in New London, which is approximately 45 minutes south of Wittenberg, towards home, and we’re staying there overnight as a mini-vacation just to get out of the house and stay somewhere. We’re not doing much this year. Paying off debts, credit cards, medical bills, etc. We figured we would go camping a few times this summer. LOL Just this second, Nueske’s messaged me on FB and told me they have plenty of inventory left in stock and don’t foresee them running out! Sweet! Anyway, Mike’s buddy just bought a house and basically said the same thing, they got shit to buy and pay off and don’t plan on doing anything major this year. It is the year of saving up and paying off bills. So he invited us and the kids to come over and play board games. How fun does that sound?! We definitely need more friends like that. No sitter. No elaborate, expensive date nights. Just hey, come over and play games with us. Cool.

I start work in a little over a week. I am nervous, scared, excited, and ready all at the same time.

This week was pretty laid back. Well, kinda. Mikhail lost his retainer last Friday. Monday, the boys had off school. I got Mikhail to the orthodontist. We got his impressions done and paid $150 for a new retainer. He got a good lecture on the way home but not before Dad treated us to ice cream. Smh. He loses his retainer, and Dad gets him ice cream. *sigh* Whatever. Mike was nice enough to take his lunch break and spend it with us because we were in the neighborhood. So we all had ice cream and spent time together. I couldn’t even finish a single scoop of chocolate in a cone. I got the ice cream somewhat to the cone and had to stop eating. I was SO full. Unbelievable! I have NEVER been able to not finish a chocolate ice cream cone!

That’s the thing, I’m barely eating. Yesterday, I’ve eaten the most I’ve had since December and that was only two chicken sandwiches the entire day. I was STUFFED after the chicken sandwich that I was craving at Burger King. I think the only reason I got through most of it was that I really, really wanted it. Then I made homemade subs for dinner. I cut half of a chicken breast, on a small hoagie roll, and ate that. I ended up at 1500+ calories yesterday. That was helped by a piece of Amish bread, two sodas, and a cup of coffee. But that was the most food I’ve eaten in forever.

That would explain why I’ve lost 18.6lbs. Since stopping Risperdal, I have no appetite and have to force myself to eat. I mean, I eat, just not a lot.

I have NOT thrown up since all the shit went down with my mom.

I am down to one Klonopin before bed. I haven’t taken a second during the day for ages.

Which means I take one Klonopin before bed, I could probably get rid of that completely but I think that one Klonopin before bed takes the edge off any anxiety that passes my mind through the day. Then I’m down to 900mg of Lithium. The only other med I take is Ambien. Which, if I didn’t drink ridiculous amounts of coffee, I would probably be able to get away with just taking Melatonin. Three meds. That’s all that’s left.

I need to get some stuff done. It probably won’t happen because the house is ‘good enough’ for me, probably not others, but for me, it’s good enough. *shrugs*

I have my entire routine planned out for when I return to work. Putting away the dishes while my coffee brews are just one thing I’m changing how I do to make the most of my time. I plan on doing a 15-20 minute clean for the downstairs while dinner cooks. I plan on recruiting Mikhail’s and Nick’s help a lot more. I always feel like a slave driver with them. “Do this. Do this.” They look at me like, “You have two legs, you do it.” I gotta get over that feeling. They are two VERY capable boys. Mikhail especially. Nick has done his fair share of pitching in. He does almost everything I’ve asked of him that has been within reason. Mikhail will just throw a fit or simply not do whatever I ask. I told him, “you’re paying off some of this retainer” and his response was, “so, I’m going to do chores and you’re going to give me money, which is your money, so then I’m going to pay off my retainer, with your money, so you’re technically paying off the retainer yourself.” Fucking little shit. “NO! It’s a loan. You loaned the money from me to buy your retainer and now you gotta pay off your loan.” *nods* That’ll show him.  He agreed to appease me without any real intention of paying off my ‘loan’. I’ll get him doing stuff it’s the last thing I do. He’s the baby. He’s very privileged. He typically expects things to be just handed to him. We’ve done chore charts and ‘you earn your money’ but then Christmas comes along and like this Christmas, he got $110 in one day from one set of family. With all that being said, the boys broke their headset for the Xbox. Mike found headsets for $20 each. I told them, “you would each get your own. Nick’s would be blue. Mikhail’s would be red. But you gotta pay for them.” Nick came down and threw $20 at me. Mikhail was reluctant but eventually went to his bank and grabbed the only bills he had which were $17. I accepted the payment from each of them and ordered them. I told them, “If you break your own, you have to purchase a new one. If you don’t have the money to purchase a new one, you’ll work to earn the money.” The ONLY exception to this rule is camp. I will not make Mikhail pay off camp. That is my gift to him. A really fucking expensive gift but it is my way of saying, hey dude, you don’t have to sit around watching Nick sleep and then argue with him about the Xbox all summer long. You are an active kid and enjoy doing active things, so I’m going to nurture that and let you blossom. I pay for camp, so he isn’t BORED all summer long. So I have a peace of mind that they’re not killing each other ALL summer. It benefits everyone.

This blog post just makes me see that I have ADHD so much clearer. LOL, I am all over the place. I’m going to have like 17 tags for it.

I did a thing! I made a new page on Facebook! It’s called EA Frugal Living. I am sharing lots of tips and tricks on how to be frugal and save money. Right now, I’m posting about budgeting for your groceries. More is coming soon. It’s a lot of hard work to keep up with a page. I just hope I’ll keep up on it when I am working. We will see. Check it out!

I filed my taxes this morning. Hooray! Time to pay big bucks to credit card debt. Whomp, whomp. I’d like to pay off at least two credit cards. I had to use a few cards this past week, which I know, BIG NO-NO! However, I’m still not working and shit needed to be paid for. So, I used them and added debt to my existing debt, which I know isn’t helping my current debt, but honestly, I didn’t have much of a choice.

I have a Quicksilver Capital One card that has a balance of a little under $600. That one will be paid off in full once I get my taxes. My Disney card is card #2 that I would like to pay off in full. I only had a $1000 balance on that one but this past week has racked up another $400. So, $1400 will have to be paid off when I get my taxes. That’s $2000 on credit card debt alone. Money down the drain… well, kinda. I got a LOT of stuff for that $2000. Shit, $1000 was just Disney expenses. I’m not mad. I am happy to be getting to working to pay off this debt though. Paying off this $2000 will free up an extra $65 towards payments that I will no longer need to make towards these two cards and can go towards the next one, which is Kohls. That’s up to $1500. Ugh. It feels like I’m going to be in debt forever but I know better than that. I know that as long as I put as much as I can towards my snowball each month, it will grow, and then roll down the hill growing more and more, and each HUGE snowball at once will get me one step closer to being Debt-Free!

This is the most I’ve really talked about my debt on my blog. Since I’m being so honest with you, I guess I’ll go all out. As of January 01st, 2018, I was $13,336 in debt. That number has gone up, unfortunately. I have made some additional purchases, BIG purchases, on my cards over the past few weeks. Like I said, I’m still unemployed and kinda have to rely on cards to get us through. I could have easily taken my emergency fund and paid for the stuff I purchased. I was so extremely proud that I haven’t touched that money for ANYTHING that it’s really hard to touch it now, even though, new work pants for Mike, a co-payment for Mike’s emergency room visit, a mini vacation away even just for one night, and a brand new retainer, could have been thought up as an emergency (ok, totally not the mini-vacation, but still) I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t touch my emergency fund. It took SO much hard work to get that money saved up. I didn’t want to blow it. I know using my credit cards for those things instead was just as stupid… however, when I am finally working, the stuff will be paid off. As long as this position ends up being something very promising instead of just a project, there is a lot of hope.

I have never figured out when my debt-free date is. Maybe that’s what I’ll do today.

I got this. $14,000 in debt will not destroy me. There are people out there who had $155,000 in debt last year and brought that down by half! It is totally do-able.

I’m staying positive. I am hoping, not depending, on this job is more than just a project and that the potential to be hired on through the bank is promising.

Time will tell. It will all work out regardless. I have never been a very positive person, but it’s growing on me.

written on at 10:48 am || Filed under: Accomplishments, Budgeting, Parenting, Work

One Response to “Should be…”

  1. Sheri says:

    I think you had a great day, despite not doing your “shoulds!”

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