Rough day.
I had a really rough day today. That’s why its taking me until this late to post anything even though in my previous entry I said I would. This is going to be a very scattered, random entry. No sense in writing all nice and proper like. I’m pissed off. I had a bad day. I want a cigarette, but I keep telling myself I don’t. I had absolutely no patience at all today. Nickolas found a permanent marker. I sat in the living room while he was watching TV in my room. Which, is honestly 20 some feet away. Its not far, like upstairs or whatever. So, I smell this permanent marker. I storm in the bedroom and demand for the marker. Nickolas denies everything. This went on for a good forty minutes. Finally, handed over the marker. He didn’t color on anything that I could see other than one sheet of paper, luckily.
So, I broke down, and lit a cigarette. I smoked four puffs and then flushed the rest of them. I broke down pretty bad after this. I definitely think I have postpartum depression. I think tomorrow I’m going to give the doctor’s office a call and see what they have to say about it. Maybe I can get some medications and/or counciling. Mike’s been really supportive with me. I’ve been doing my best to express what is going on in my mind so we can discuss everything and make sure that I’m alright. I’ve never had such a hard time with anything in my life. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I honestly feel like crap. My chest hurts. I feel like I cannot breath. I can’t relax. I have absolutely NO patience to begin with, and this just makes me even more shorter with people.I hope this passes. I just want to let everything pass. I’m absolutely miserable. I’m so beyond depressed. I just want to lay, crawled up in a ball, and cry. I hate feeling like this. I’m still in pretty bad shape as you can tell by the way I’m writing this entry. I think I’m going to soak in a really hot bath and relax some. Maybe after some rest I’ll feel better.
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