So, here’s what we’re going to do. I am going to type. Whatever comes to mind, on to my fingers, and into the keyboard, upon the screen is what’s going to come out. This is going to be a hodge-podge of information that is just trying to be released from my brain. I need it out of my brain and into the world so I don’t have to worry about it anymore.

I am sick. I am sick of being sick. Something is probably wrong with me but 90% of my own mind is telling me that this is more than likely just anxiety. But what am I so anxious about?! Work? I have nothing to be anxious about, per se. Yes, I have to worry about whether or not I’m going to come back from vacation to a job or not. I am under a tremendous amount of pressure every single day to do the best of my ability to work hard and do the best I can. I have to work hard to prove to them and myself that I can do this job and that I am worthy of them hiring me on. I have to work SO hard. The calls have to be perfect. What if they’re not perfect. Well, I found out on Monday from talking to my manager a few things:

  • you need to fuck up 4 or more times in a 60 day period to receive any reprimand and then if it becomes a habit that’s when they will take measures of actions towards you. I’ve had 2 unsafe tickets since the beginning of April. I think I’m ok. Yet, here I am worrying because my tickets aren’t perfect enough, good enough, right enough, PERFECT. I have heard from around the breakroom, QA’s are a thousand times harder to master than what they used to be when we had them 10 years ago. My manager told me it was because of the grading system they have implemented and that perfect QA’s are something of the past because yes, it’s incredibly hard to do an absolute PERFECT job. I am a perfectionist. I strive for perfection. So when I cannot do perfection, it’s really hard to me. That’s why I talked to the manager in the first place. I got an unsafe ticket and I wanted to know where that put me in the standing.
  • you need 6 or more occurrences to be taken out of the running to be hired on. I have four occurrences. I was informed I was either one of the only or THE only seasonal CCR to receive an occurrence back this past 30 days. Which is saying a lot. She said that this seasonal group seems to have a massive problem with occurrences and being late. This is when I should have said, I have never been late to receive an occurrence. Alas, I forgot and didn’t think of that wittiness until afterward.
  • VTO doesn’t get counted against you when going into work and leaving voluntarily and being approved for it. So, all that time I VTO, it is looked at as, Oh, hey, Nik might take an occurrence coming up because she’s VTOing an awful lot this week. So her VTOing just shows me, the manager, that she might be calling in soon because she’s having some problems this week. 

So I talked to her and felt a lot better about the situation afterward.

So what else has got me all worried since talking to my manager did and should have calmed my worries down some?

I’ve been craving cigarettes bad these past few days. I don’t even want to smoke regular cigarettes. I want to buy a Blu e-cig again. I don’t know how they are now but I want to smoke again. I figure there’s nothing to compare it to if I were to pick up smoking an e-cig compared to only smoking regular cigs. I also want to smoke e-cigs because 1. no smoke smell 2. no ashes 3. no butts. I won’t have to worry about Lynn knowing about it. We had a Blu e-cig back when we smoked and I liked it but didn’t prefer it over real cigarettes. Well, nothing to compare to since I quit 5 years ago. I even went as far as pricing out how much an entire pack, set, starter stuff, and packs of the nicotine would cost me. Mike said Absolutely NOT.

I just haven’t found ANY release since I smoked. I haven’t found anything to release my stress, built up emotions, etc. I feel like smoking was the only thing I had for me that took me outside of my element and released whatever pent up emotion I had. When I took a drag from a cigarette I would feel a build up as I inhaled, and a release, when I exhaled. All my worries, emotions, anger, anxiety, etc. would be released in the world whenever I smoked. The nicotine in the cigarette would give me a temporary high that would bring me down too – more so than just breathing in and out and meditation.

See, I’m completely fine with picking up smoking again. No one else seems to think it’s a good idea. But I’m a good little girl and do what I am told even though it’s against every one of my OWN wishes. Mike says I only get this way when things are bad with me… once things settle down then I am fine and I’m not such an “I CRAVE I CRAVE I CRAVE” monster.

It has taken every single ounce of willpower, strength, etc. not to spend $100 and just order everything I want and be done with it. Saying a big FUCK YOU to all those who care so much about my well-being yet when it comes time to listening to me and listening to my problems no one wants to hear it. So, let me get this straight. I want to do something, to my own body that yes, is harmful and toxic, to again, MY OWN BODY, because I feel it will release whatever built up whatever is inside of me but no one will let me do it yet no one wants to listen to the bull shit that I’m going through or the whining that I’m doing or whatever.

Fucking whatever. Fine. I won’t smoke but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be a bruting bitch because I can’t and have no other ways or options to chill the fuck out and calm the fuck down.

Which brings me to my next point…

The boys are doing alright for the most part so far this summer. Nick is doing fine at home. He’s listening and following directions as much as he can. He wakes up (usually) around 10am-12pm and does his chores almost immediately. He knows when he has extra hard chores he has to work a little harder, and some days I let him slack off. He is allowed to play on his tablet and the Xbox almost as long as he wants to as long as I’m gone.

Mikhail, on the other hand, is doing well at camp. He’s enjoying the time he has to play and be with his friends. He has had a few minor snags along the way with not wanting to go.

In my head, I keep focusing not on the present and the now, but the future… What are they going to do for the 4 weeks they’re together? No camp. No Mom. Nothing to do. Just Nick fighting with Mikhail over the Xbox because now Nick has had all summer to believe he’s got seniority on the gaming system. Or is he going to do what he typically does when it’s just Mikhail and him? He’s gonna go on his tablet, with his headphones all day long, leaving Mikhail downstairs to fend for himself all day.

It is THESE FOUR WEEKS that have me worried. Yes, they did it last summer. They did it last summer with WAY less understanding of what the rules actually are. I am so fucking worried about these four weeks that I am having a hard time sleeping. Just typing about it makes my stomach ache and hurt. They are way more mature and knowledgeable about what the rules are and are not. Nick still has shown significant reasoning for my doubts though.

Fuck. I have to go pick up Mikhail. I guess I’ll end this here. I’ll either pick up where I left off when I return and they disappear at a friend’s or I’ll start a new entry.

written on at 3:48 pm || Filed under: Uncategorized

One Response to “Please Fix Me”

  1. Sheri says:

    Oh Nik, I just wish I could give you a hug. Anything I could say you already know, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make life easier for you. Just know I read what you write, I “hear” you, I care. <3

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