Personal Argument

Date posted: Sunday May 10th, 2009 || Filed under: Uncategorized || 2 Comments

So, today after we came home from being at Mike’s parents, I was upset about whatever was going through my mind when I thought to myself, “Is how I act, the cause of how I was raised, for my mental illness?” Majority will say, “both” but is it that simple? I constantly think to myself, “Do I act this way because my parents raised me to be like this?” If that is the case, how badly am I shaping my children to be for the future? (That’s an entirely different topic that I could spend hours either beating myself up about or discussing, we’ll save that for another day.) OR “Do I act like this because of chemical imbalance that is going on in my brain that causes a mental illness?” What is my conclusion? In short terms, I don’t have one. I’m sure if I did, I’d be a millionaire. Here’s what I figured out, or at least what I think about the whole thing.

I thought to myself, “I have the hardest time thinking positive for anything! I’m always thinking of the negatives that are going on my life instead of being grateful for what I have.” Would that be the depression talking? Then, I thought to myself, “My Mom is a very hateful women. Anytime you have anything positive going on in your life she tries to throw her negativity on you. Her entire life revolves around the negative and never in your life can you succeed further than her because she’ll just bring you down.” So, the question remains, am I negative in my thinking because I have been raised to see my Mom speak of nothing but the negatives? Or is it the fact that I am depressed and just feel very bitter and angry about everything right now?

Which… brings me to another topic, because heaven forbid I EVER stay on topic with my thoughts because they’re just racing through my mind. Why the hell am I so angry/bitter towards everyone and everything going on in my life?! Why can’t I just feel positive and grateful with what I have instead of thinking negative and upset about things going on? Here are a few things that are bothering me as of the past few hours… Things I’ve felt very mad at myself for, others for, etc. I feel deep, internal hate/sadness/hurt by these things.

• My Dad – We recently have had a falling out (once again, surprise surprise) LONG story short – I’m upset going through an episode, post on facebook about how it upsets me my children don’t see their grandparents (my parents) as often as they should. I get a phone call from him basically turning it around to be my fault because I never take them over there, and there is always an open invite to come. – Of course, even though I have no vehicle and he expects me to call him and ask him to come pick me and the kids up to visit with him, instead of doing something logically, and just come over and see them. Yesterday, while out to lunch with Mike’s parents I get a phone call from him:
  “Hey. What’s going on, Nikkole?”
  “Nothing. Why, what’s up?”
  “Hold On.” *Clicks over to the other line* (5 minutes passes) He clicks back. “Who is this?!”
  “Uhm. Your daughter.”
  “DON’T GET SNIPPY WITH ME!”
  Now, choking back the tears. “I’m not, Dad. I’m sorry. What did you need?”
  “Nothing. I have it taken care of now, nevermind. Are you going to your Grandmother’s birthday party this weekend?
  “I don’t know if Mike has to work. I’ve told you I wasn’t sure if we were going to be able to make it. I just don’t know.”He hangs up… I honestly have no idea. He keeps riding me about whether or not I’ll be attending with the kids. I don’t drive. Therefore, Mike will have to be available to take me. He has NO IDEA if he is going to be working that day, until that day. I don’t know if the kids are going to sick. I don’t like giving a definite answer if I simply have no idea. UGH.
• “My” car – I don’t honestly feel like its mine. Thus the reason I’ve added the quotation on that.I bought it back in March. It was in my possession for about three weeks. I drove it once in that three weeks, when I had begged my Mom to take me out for a little while. After that, Mike’s Dad need to use it to get to and from work because he lost his company vehicle when he was laid off his job (FUCKING ECONOMY). Which, is fine by me because I am always willing to help out someone in need, and they are always willing to drive me wherever I need to go when need be. But, the whole point of me getting the car, was so I could get my license, FINALLY. GOD I am fucking twenty-two years old, there is NO reason why I shouldn’t be able to get my license. I’m sick of bitching and complaining about it. It really is something you absolutely HAVE to have someone help you with. You can’t just do it alone. What are you supposed to do when you really have no one? Beside that, the car doesn’t even feel like its mine. I don’t drive it. I don’t use it. I don’t even see it. When I get the chance to sit in it, its odd to me. People wonder why I get so nervous/scared when I do FINALLY get to go driving – Hello? When you go WEEKS between driving lessons, obviously you’re going to be nervous/scared every single fucking time you go. That would be like, learning how to … skateboard for the first time. You get a lesson. Then, you don’t TOUCH a skateboard for weeks, sometimes months, and then are told, “Okay. Jump on the skateboard, and do a trick.” NO! It DOESN’T FUCKING WORK THAT WAY!

• My health, weight, teeth, etc. – I am so mad at myself for how I don’t take care of myself… I mean, I have all good intentions to. I just fall off the track. Have you ever felt so flawed that you feel like you need to change EVERYTHING about your lifestyle to be? I mean, I spent over nine months, puking my guts out because of the pregnancy. I didn’t drink any soda or coffee. I hardly ate anything, and when I did eat, it really didn’t matter because a few hours later, I puked it up anyways. Then, I have the baby, I feel 100% again. What do I do? I jump RIGHT back into my old bad habits. Coffee every single morning. Mountain Dew all day long. AND I can EAT AGAIN, so I over indulge. Wouldn’t you? You spent nine months, miserable, and unable to eat, wouldn’t you eat like crazy once you were able to again? I gained so much weight back that i lost during my pregnancy. I lost 50lbs during that nine months – I don’t even want to know what I gained back. UGH I am SO angry with myself. People at this point say the following: “If you don’t like what you do about yourself, then change it. You really need to want to change it for you to be able to do it.” Bull fucking shit. Okay. I DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. OBVIOUSLY IF IT WAS THAT EASY… ID BE ABLE TO CHANGE IT!I, am just very angry with myself with this. Between two pregnancies that caused me to do nothing but puke my guts out  – my teeth are gone. I probably have three teeth in my mouth that have not have had a major root canal or been pulled. I have about five broken ones right now. I don’t go to the dentist because its the same ol’ thing. “You need to brush your teeth more. You aren’t taking care of your teeth. Blah Blah Blah.” Hello. Stomach acid + (2) Pregnancies = Teeth gone to straight hell. DUH! I know the sugar from all that soda I drink doesn’t help. BUT when something is grey and dingy, no sense in shining it non-stop for it to stay Grey and dingy, right?

I honestly think that is how I think of life…

When something is dull. There is no sense in shining it.

Everything in my life revolves around that concept. My apartment is warn down. Its crap! I feel like, why sit here on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor when the floor is stained, cracked, and grey?! Why bother with anything when its not enough to bother?

I’m rambling now, not making any sense. I’m ending it at that… I’ve covered too many topics.