Can I just say how utterly exhausting it is to try to be perfect at all times? I say try with the most emphasis as I can because there is no one single human being who is perfect, and I understand this, yet here I am every single day trying to be just that. It is reflected in a lot of aspects in my life, but not all. My work life, for example, is one key point in which I feel as though I have to be perfect and boy by golly do I try. My home life is the furthest from perfect and I have given up that ship a long time ago. So, why the need for work to be perfect but not home? How can I turn it off depending on what surroundings I am at? Two words: seasonal employee.

I am a seasonal employee. I only work between the months of January – October or November. That’s for the first season that you’re with the company. If you’re a returning CCR you work between the months of February or March – October or November, which means about a 3-5 month span of time where you’re unemployed. So, the main, numero uno reason why I’ve been such a perfectionist in my daily life at work is simple. If I’m not perfect, they won’t hire me on. At least that’s my mindset when it comes to the situation. Not being hired on means I’ll be off work for 3-5 months without pay. Which means during prime WE NEED MONEY FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS time, I will be broke without anything but credit cards to rack up. So, without perfection, there is no job in my book.

Therefore, I have to be perfect, right? If I’m not perfect, they’re not going to want me. Why choose Nik, when they can have ___ who does their job just a tiny bit better? It’s a fight to the death as to who is going to be hired on.

My head manager told me “You cannot worry about being hired on or not being hired on. That’s months away and so much can change during that time. Do your best. Work hard. Try your best and hardest and that’s all we can ask of you.” I’m trying to put that in my head but the whole perfectionism thing comes ringing in louder than anyone else’s words.

In my head,

There is nothing less, but perfection.

I know that’s a fucked up thing to think because there is no such thing as perfectionism. It isn’t real. So, why do I believe cold heartedly that I have to do everything perfectly to get this job? There is no room for anything less than perfection.

Oh, wait! I know why! Because I’m being evaluated in every single aspect of this job. Between Quality Assurance audits, and ticket processing audits, I have to do well in every aspect of my job or I most definitely won’t be chosen to stay, maybe not even be chosen to come back. Now wait, Nik, D__ said that you were always welcome to DHL regardless. He can say that all he wants. He doesn’t see the QA’s, audits, occurrences, etc. He doesn’t know how well (or not well) I am doing. Maybe he does… maybe he sees it all and he’s confident in me. More so than I am confident in myself.

I failed another ticket…

Yup. I failed another one. This time it was an emergency ticket. FUCK!

I did “four minor mistakes that quickly added up”.

Basically, I did four things wrong that shouldn’t have been counted points against me (at least not as many as were deducted) but should have been given as an FYI instead. I mean wtf? How do they expect us to just know half of what they want when it was never taught in the training class. Oh? By fucking it up, being reprimanded for it, and then learning from our mistakes. Got it.

I’m trying so hard to let it go. It’s incredibly hard for me, though. I fucked up. I made four mistakes that seem minor but added up to be 55 points off my 100 scores. Anything less than 70 is a fail. So obviously, these were bigger than “MINOR” mistakes!

“You didn’t verify the distance and direction changed after putting in the ticket. You stated it again and said ‘I’ll change that for you’ but you never verified it.” — The ONE fucking time I’m not saying “is that correct?” “IS THAT CORRECT?!” I swear to fucking god I say the words, “Is it correct?” over 30,000 times a day. Yup, 10 point deduction because of that.

Then, when the map recognizes an address, it zooms right to it. You don’t see all the surrounding roads around it. It just shows the address. Well, apparently there was a second intersection of the roads in question that we were talking about off to the NW some. I never saw it, I never mentioned it, I never said anything about it. We never spoke of it BECAUSE I NEVER EVEN KNEW IT WAS THERE BECAUSE WHY WOULD I ZOOM OUT ON THE MAP AND PURPOSELY LOOK FOR SECOND INTERSECTIONS WHEN THE ADDRESS POPPED UP AND TOOK ME DIRECTLY TO THAT. Yup, another 15 points deducted because of that.

“You never checked the premarked box” The marking instructions read, “Mark a 100ft radius of the barricaded leak located in the middle of the road at the above address” “You were supposed to check the premark box because the barricade is a premark” Uhm, what?! I can see a flag, or a lathe or a spray painted arrow saying “IM DIGGING HERE” being a premark but a barricade? What!? Another 10 points deducted from the ticket.

Finally, the QA read that I never asked when they wanted their emergency start date and time set for. Instead, I assumed it would automatically be an hour. I told her “What was the crew status!?” She checked it and said it was en route. I said, “So yeah, he said the crew was en route so I figured they wanted it ASAP because they were headed there immediately.” She said, “You can never assume that. You must always ask.” Fucking whatever. Another 20 fucking points deducted.

So, 55 points deducted. I’m sorry those aren’t minor mistakes… but wait, yes they were. Those were all minor mistakes! WHY THE FUCK DID I GET 55 POINTS TAKEN OFF FOR THAT!? I fucking hate how the system is done now.

The old system was strict but we got double excellents when it was perfect QAs.

Needless to say, I was a little-pissed off. Obviously, I still am. The two girls I talked to at work about the QAs thought they were complete bull shit too.

I’m trying to let it go. You made a mistake, now you learn from your mistake and don’t do those mistakes again.

That’s all I can do. Right?

Ok, I’m done ranting. I was supposed to come on here to rant about Nick’s lack of knowledge of how to use the bathroom properly but instead I talked about work *again*. Oh well, I ranted one final time. I’m now going to ‘float’ it and forget it. I’m going to go in to work on Monday full bore doing my absolute best and if they don’t see that I’m trying really hard to do my best then that is their lost. I can find another job that will appreciate the effort that I put forth.  Who knows, maybe I’ll look for jobs anyway.

written on at 8:51 am || Filed under: Work

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