Before I continue with my progress, as you can see, I added yet another theme to EA. I just didn’t think the last one was “enough”. If you didn’t catch that theme, you can check out my screenshot page: http://eternalamour.com/design-showcase/screenshots (it is the last one on the EA list – before the Sparklehost layout) I rushed it. It felt rushed. It looked rushed. I just wasn’t feeling it. So, I decided to go through my screenshot page on my Designer’s Showcase and take a look back at what I’ve created in the past. That’s when I came across this theme. You see, I used this theme before when I had first started div layouts. It was back when I used cutenews. So I was like “Man! I have to create something like that again!” So I went to search for brushes. Similar brushes to the ones I had used for the theme. I searched and searched and just couldn’t find what I was looking for. Then I remembered, I didn’t use Photoshop back then, I used Paint Shop Pro. Knowing I had Paint Shop Pro (and hundreds upon hundreds of brushes) on my external hard drive I went and plugged it in. While installing Paint Shop Pro I started going through my old EA folders. I have pretty much EVERYTHING I’ve ever done in web design from the past 5 years saved on my external hard drive. I haven’t deleted anything. It’s all really unorganized but hey, it works. So, while doing this, I found it. This theme. I didn’t think I had anything but the screenshot of it. I had the header, backgrounds, and layout changing images. In fact, there were two different headers with the same design. One had a photo strip with pictures of Mike and I and was a little different than the one you see here. I chose this one instead of that one. I threw it in to wordpress and started coding. I took me about three hours to completely code and write out a new theme for this. Ta-da! Isn’t it pretty? Hopefully I’ll keep this one for a while longer than the last.
ON TO MY PROGRESS!!! I know you’re all dying to know how I’m doing. I told you last week I wouldn’t come talking about how I’m craving cigarettes. Well that’s not going to happen. Well, it has been one week since I quit. Well, according to my “GetQuit” plan that came with Chantix, yesterday was my one week. They count the last day of the week as your one week check in and your actual one week begins a new week. Its screwy but whatever. However, I put in I quit on the 27th to the “GetQuit” plan, I quit on the 28th. So if I’m using the logic the plan uses. Today is my one week. Tomorrow – being that it is seven days since I had quit – will be the beginning of a new week. Are you confused yet? I surely am. Let’s move on.
So the cravings have been intense. The first two days were awful. I had depression. I just couldn’t keep busy. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Yea, it was that bad. I hated myself for even thinking that I could do this. I kept asking myself “WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO DO THIS?” because ultimately it was my choice – sorta. You see, I chose to quit smoking. I told Mike, “I’m going to try to quit smoking.” THE REASON behind why I wanted had to quit was because I was broke. I had $10 to my name and I had no clue when I was getting more money. I wasn’t about to ask Mike to support my habit. So I decided to quit. That week I went to the doctor. Talked to him about chantix. Then… oooh THEN… I got money. A large sum of money too. My reason for quitting was shot out the window. So yea it was my choice but it wasn’t my choice then it was out of my hands… it was happening whether or not I liked it.
So the first two days, really tough. The next few days got a tiny bit easier. I stopped thinking about having a cigarette as often. During those first few days it was on my mind the entire day. Now I was craving them at the normal times I’d crave them… after eating, after coffee, while on the phone, etc. The cravings were still pretty intense but I did what I always do. I forced myself to deal with them. Here’s the thing about me… When it comes to dealing with something, I force myself to do it. I put it in my mind that there is absolutely no other choice but than to do what is required of you. Whether it be parenting, or going to my doctors for my bipolar, or quitting smoking. I have to do it. Sure, I put it in my mind that I am doing this because Mike won’t accept anything else. I guarantee he won’t accept me relapsing and start smoking again. So what choice do I have? I have this strength about me. So I put it in my head you have no other choice but to do this.
Mike says once I got over the three day hump it would get easier. The first three days are the worse. *shrugs* I suppose he’s right. Don’t get me wrong… I have this “strength” about me but it is still very, very hard. I’m struggling, I’m just not showing it. I am freaking out on the inside.
It has gotten a little easier. Not much, but a little. Every day that passes I go a little longer between cravings. I heard you never stop craving completely. The thought is still always there. Awesome. Just what I want – to want to smoke for the rest of my life. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I just want to think like a non-smoker. To not crave. To go all day without beating myself up over this decision. It’s pathetic in my mind. Absolutely pathetic.
I don’t really know what else to say about it. I’m struggling. I won’t show it. I have no choice but to be strong and just do it. I don’t want to do it. I beat myself over it. Yea, that pretty much sums it up. I just replay the same stuff over and over in my mind. “You want to quit. You’re doing this for {insert reasons}. You are strong and can over come this. Do this for Mike. Do this for yourself. Be proud of how far you’ve come. Stop beating yourself up. The craving will go away and you’ll forget all about wanting a cigarette”.
I have to admit though, I have been really productive the past few days. After the little bout of depression I got, I decided I absolutely have to keep myself busy. I did all, I mean, ALL the laundry. (that’s 15 loads of laundry I did. Washed, Dried, Folded, Put Away.) I’ve been working on my website non-stop. The thing about web design is it soothes me. When I start web designing I don’t think about anything else. My mind goes blank and I’m completely focused on web design. It makes me feel good. I’m focused. I’m calm. I’m proud. So I have been finding ANYTHING I can do on my website. I tweaked my gallery after I finished it, I have created THREE themes for EA, I have found some new plugins, I tweaked tiny things that you’d never notice but something I changed to my liking, all in the past week. I’ve been cleaning entire rooms in the house. I did the entire bathroom. I actually cleaned the ENTIRE bathroom. I NEVER do that. I usually just do a surface clean and call it a day. Nope, not this time. I have been keeping up with the kitchen. I scrubbed the floors (again). I’ve been trying to keep up on the living room but I swear as soon as the boys are let loose in it its destroyed anyway. Needless to say, Mike probably wishes I quit years ago because I’ve done so much.
My Mom promised (although a promise from her doesn’t mean anything) she’d come over on Thursday and help me do the boys room. Which DESPERATELY needs to be done. We will be going through ALL the toys. Sorting them. Going through and weeding out the broken, or chewed up ones. (Nick has a problem chewing up toys. If he chews on them, they’re thrown away. Simple as that.) We’re going to be putting away toys in the closet so they can’t get them and can only play with what’s out so there is less of a mess in the long run. I’m also going ot recruit her to helping me take out ALL the trash around the apartment. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not dirty people that live in filth and garbage. There are garbage bags of odd ball stuff laying around. For instance, the boys pop up tent that broke a few weeks ago. I threw it in a garbage bag. It’s been sitting in my dining room ever since. All the cardboard boxes that we haven’t had the time to take out. That or we have just been plain lazy. There are boxes from stuff we ordered sitting near the front door. There is diaper boxes that have all of Nick’s school papers or work that I empty out from his backpack in the front hall. Just random garbage that we never took out. Not dirty, stinking, rotting garbage… cardboard mainly. So I’m going to ask her to help me take out ALL of that. THEEEN this weekend, if Mike doesn’t work, he has big plans to go through the bedroom. Get rid of laundry baskets (he only wants 2 laundry baskets. Wants me to keep up on the laundry. Promises to keep up with buying quarter so I don’t fall behind) He wants to go through the closet in the bedroom and get rid of everything that’s in there and take it down to the basement so we actually have some space to store stuff. Which is fine by me. But first things first… the absolute FIRST thing he WILL do this weekend IF he doesn’t work…? He WILL take down the FIVE totes of Christmas stuff, including my Christmas tree, that is sitting in my dining room. I MEAN ITS APRIL FOR CHRIST SAKES. I’d do it but I’m a clutz and I’d break my neck (or something) doing it. THAT and I don’t touch anything in the basement. It’s all organized and sorted the way Mike likes it. I don’t want to go down there and start throwing boxes around and have him get upset. Hahah, like how I did that. I made valid excuse as to why I shouldn’t do it and why its Mike’s responsibility. I think its only fair. I’ve been busting my ass in the house so he can do this for me.
Ok. I’ve officially rambled through 1900 words. I’m done now. I will let you all know next week (or sooner if I feel like writing) how my progress is going again. Maybe by next week I won’t hate myself so much for this and finally get it through my head that this is a good thing. Yea. We’ll see. Until then.
