Worse Manic Episode Ever
So, as some of you may know from reading my Twitter feed or Facebook Updates I’ve been experiencing the worse manic episode I have ever experienced. Some of you might ask, what are you talking about, manic episode? I’ll explain in detail. Long story short, my pdoc thought it would be okay to up my Risperidal. That was two weeks ago. After about four days, I started feeling shaky. My mind was racing. It felt like I took 20 caffeine pills with a two-liter of mountain dew. This is what landed me admitted to a mental hospital last time. If you don’t remember that read here.
Great, so I’m super manic-y right now. I VTO (voluntary time off) from work. Which means, I was able to leave work because it was slow without getting in trouble. So, then I called in Monday AND Tuesday. Then I called in today. I just wasn’t feeling right. I had gotten seven hours of sleep in four days. I was physically exhausted, yet I was wired. Wide awake, jittery. You know how you get when you’re super overtired and you get giggly and talkative. Yup, that’s how I was/am.
So lets see…
mind racing - i think a mile a minute. I talk fast too. Everything about me is ‘speedy’. this makes it hard to concentrate.
loss of concentration & focus – I can’t focus. I’m having the hardest time writing this entry. As much as I’d like to explain exactly whats going on, I just don’t know how much I’ll be able to type.
wired/jittery – key words: caffeine pills and mountain dew… if you’ve ever taken too much caffeine you know how this feels.
tremors – my hands are shaking a lot. Sometimes my entire body gets shaky.
no sleep - like previously stated, I’m getting maybe 1-2 hours of sleep at night. I’m not tired during the day. Physically and mentally exhausted, but not tired.
“rage attacks” - this is what I call them. I’m irritable. Any little thing sets me off and I’m in full blown rage mode. I scream. I yell. I start fights. I say things I don’t mean. This is VERY BAD.
can’t drive – I’m not supposed to be driving with this. I don’t trust myself to drive during this. I speed way too much. You know how when you drive you can just tell how fast you are going? Well, during a manic episode like this, I tend to speed A LOT! It takes a lot of concentration for me to drive safely and normally.
So that’s what I’m dealing with. I’m sure there is more but I just can’t think of any thing else right now. Right now, I’m freaking out. Tomorrow after I call in to work (again) I have to go in and talk to my boss. This is by choice. I can just continue to call in and hope I have a job, but I figured it would be better to go in and talk to him first. I’m going to ask for a leave of absence. I doubt they’re going to give me one because its almost the end of season and I’ll be fired by October anyways. I’m literally FREAKING OUT about it. I’m scared they’re going to tell me no. They’re going to tell me to just work with them and continue to come in and VTO. I’m going to tell them straight out. I can’t file locates.
Okay… our job is semi-important. We file locate requests. We take information about where a person will be digging, send it out to a locator company, they come in, read our directions, and mark the underground facilities. Lets say, I don’t do my job correctly. I screw up because I’m on total manic-mode. The locator goes out, marks the wrong spot. The person who called then goes and digs thinking everything is marked correctly. BAM! He hits a gas line and explodes. I know, that sounds elaborate and a little far fetched. But it happens more than you think. Its important that I do my job well, the first time. Unfortunately, I’m unable to do that at this time. I just don’t know how understanding they’re going to be seeing as the season is almost over.
So what does my pdoc say about all this? Nothing… I haven’t talked to him. I left a message on Wednesday of last week. He’s not in the office until Tuesday. I spoke with another doctor that was on call and they said if it gets worse, go to the hospital. I refuse to do that again. I will not go back there. I won’t. You can’t make me go. It was just plain awful when I was there last time.
*Sigh* Alright. I honestly can’t think of what else to write. And it took a lot for me to get this down… I’ll post again soon. I have to tell you all about state fair and post pictures with it. Goodnight everyone. May you all sleep better than I have.
