I needed to get this off my chest. 140 characters don’t do enough justice.

Today I was over at Mike’s mom’s house because she wanted us to come along while she took the cat to be groomed and go shopping. Basically the cat groomer is 40 minutes away so she shops while she waits, didn’t want to do it alone. We got to talking and she was talking about how Nickolas acts when he comes down off his Adderall. Long story short, when he comes down off his medication, he becomes highly emotional. We were discussing how Matt doesn’t want him on it; at least, he said he didn’t want him on it prior when I brought it up. He was unaware I had him medicated. It all made perfect sense when she said, “Just imagine what that puts Nickolas through. He comes off his medications and he’s so exhausted so early because of what’s going on with him. Imagine how exhausting and hard that is for him. If Matt doesn’t give his medication then he has to go through that. You have to tell Matt to get on the bandwagon with this.”

“You don’t understand Lynn, Matt will refuse. He is adamant about not giving Nickolas medications. He refuses and doesn’t believe or agree with it.”

Upon thinking about it for a while I decided to just get it done and over with. I don’t want Nick to have to go through that emotional rollercoaster that happens when he’s off his medication just because his Dad doesn’t believe in it.

I called him up and in the nicest way I told him. “Matt, I wanted to let you know that Nickolas is currently on medication.”

“FOR WHAT?!”

“For his ADD. I took him to his doctor and we sat down and did some talking and he said there was no doubt in his mind that he had it. We spoke for a good twenty minutes about it and he said he didn’t even have to do testing. Just by witnessing what was going on with Nickolas during our conversation he had no doubt that he had ADD.”

“THAT’S BULLSHIT! All doctors say kids have ADD. It’s because you’re too damn lazy to take care of Nick. You just want him sitting in front of the TV, on Ritalin drooling. That’s all you fucking want. I cannot believe in twenty minutes you could have a doctor diagnose him. How the hell could he diagnose him in twenty minutes!? THERES NOTHING SAYING HE HAS TO TAKE THIS MEDICINE. YOU want him to take these pills. “

“Matt, his doctor and I have been discussing this for years. When he was two we figured it was just a phase. When he was three we thought it was just a phase. Then again at four, then five, now at six he diagnosed him REALIZING it wasn’t a phase. We have been going over this for years now! Nickolas has it. Accept it. Sometimes, it’s that way. He can’t be perfect. I can’t be perfect. Not everyone is perfect. You’re so controlling everyone has to be this perfection you want them to be. I have bipolar. I have to take pills. It’s something I HAVE to deal with. You of ALL people should know this.” Whoops. That is NOT something I wanted to come out of my mouth. Fuck.

“NO! I will NOT accept it. This is fucking bull shit. I have absolutely NO problem with him. He’s a perfect angel for me. Just because you’re fucked in the head and need pills doesn’t mean our son is! “

“Uhm, Matt! You have Nickolas for twenty-four to forty-eight hours TOPS at a time. Of course he’s going to be a perfect angel. Take him for a week I guarantee he will behave for you exactly how he acts for me. He’s a perfect angel for you because you let him do whatever he wants.”

“No! He acts out with you because he’s fucking BORED. You sit there and put him in front of the TV or the computer and have him sit there all day long. He doesn’t do ANYTHING with you. Get off your fat lazy ass and take him somewhere. And it doesn’t cost money either. WALK him to the park. Get off your fucking ass, walk him to the damn park up the block and let him fucking play. I guarantee he don’t act out then. You act as though I fucking take him everywhere and spend all this money.”

“Matt, you do! You take him for a week I guarantee you don’t take him somewhere every single moment of every single day.”

He blew up at this point. “I guarantee I have him for five days, I will spend those five days taking him places and doing things with him. I don’t understand why the fuck you can’t do SHIT with him.”

“Who says I don’t Matt? Want to know what we did today? We went to the stores all morning then he spent the entire afternoon swimming?”

“What? While he was at Lynn’s house?”

“What the fuck does that matter?” Remind you, the entire time I was on speaker phone because to be honest, I knew he was going to be like this. I knew word for word this is exactly what he was going to say. I did it to sort of show Lynn, see this is how he treats me. This is why I can’t push him to give him his medication. He does whatever he wants and he gets away with it.

“It doesn’t. So what? You did one fucking thing. You know what you’re not going fucking nowhere. I take him places. We do things together. I have a fucking perfect job. I have a trophy wife. I have a great family. We do things together. I’m going to buy a house. We have Nickolas his own bedroom. I’m fighting for custody. That’s it. I can’t stand him living with your ass no more. You can’t fucking take care of him. You don’t take care of him. I’m going to fight until the death for full custody. Your ass don’t fucking do a god damn thing for him anyways.”

“Fine. Fucking fight me for custody. I don’t even care anymore. Go for it. I guarantee you don’t get it anyways. You don’t have a bedroom for him. You live in a one bedroom loft apartment. There’s no room for Nickolas. You won’t get him.”

“You know what Nikkole. GROW THE FUCK UP AND GET A GOD DAMN EDUCATION AND FUCKING DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE. You’re fucking nothing. You’re not going anywhere. You’re not going to be anything. You’re uneducated. You have no house. You’re going to live in apartments all your life. You’re not employed. You have no education. You have a shitty car. You’ll always have a shitty car. You’ll always have a shitty apartment. You’ll never have a job, and if you do it will be nothing. YOU RELY ON A MAN FOR EVERYTHING. YOU CAN’T FUCKING TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. YOU NEED SOMEONE THERE TAKING CARE OF YOU. OR YOU SIT ON YOUR ASS AND COLLECT FUCKING WELFARE. GET OFF WELFARE. GET OFF YOUR ASS. STOP LETTING MEN TAKE CARE OF YOU AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR FUCKING KIDS. “

At this point… I lost it. You can only be pushed so far and hard before you absolutely break down and give up. I screamed in to the phone, not caring that Lynn was there, or my kids were near, “IT’S YOUR FAULT! I WAS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD WHEN YOU ARE THE ONE THAT CAUSED ME TO DROP OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL. YOU’RE THE REASON I DROPPED OUT. YOU’RE THE REASON I HAVE NO EDUCATION. YOU’RE THE REASON I WON’T GO ANYWHERE IN LIFE. IT’S YOUR FUCKING FAULT.”

“Oh, so because I got you pregnant at sixteen it’s my …”

*Click* I hung up. I then broke down, and proceeded to cry and cry. Lynn said nothing. She didn’t mention it. She didn’t say a word to me. I sat there repeating back every single thing he said to me over and over and over again. He told me every single insecurity I have and confirmed it in my head.

He controlled me when we were dating. He controls me now.

He says whatever he wants. He gets to me. He knows this. There’s not a god damn thing I can do about it. There’s nothing I can say to make myself believe what he says isn’t true.

Imagine this… Think of the number one thing you’re the least proud of. Do you think that you’re stupid? Then do you tell yourself over and over to make yourself believe you’re not? Well, now that you believe you’re not, have someone your ex that burned you worse than you’ve ever been burned tell you that you’re stupid. You’re going to listen. You’re going to feel shitty. You’re going to now believe that you are in fact stupid because another person confirmed it for you. That’s exactly how I felt. Everything that I believe is true:

I’m fat. I’m lazy. I do nothing for my kids because my bipolar physically, emotionally, and mentally drains me to the point of not giving a flying fuck what the kids do during the day. I’m not going to be anything. I’m not going to go anywhere. I’m never going to own a house. I’m never going to have the nice car. The nice clothes. The nice things. “My standards are set low.” I’m always going to depend on someone taking care of me.

I promised myself after him I’d never be dependent of another man for as long as I live. What do you know? I’m dependent of Mike. Without him, I have no idea what I’d do.

I would like to be that parent that spends time with her kids. I want to be the parent that sits there and colors for hours and plays. To be honest, I can’t. I don’t know how. I have to FORCE myself to spend time with them. I know there are people out there saying, “If you want to spend time with your kids then just do it.” I CAN’T. Maybe it’s even that I don’t want to. I have no desire to do SHIT when it comes to anyone. I just want to crawl in to my little hole of bipolar bull shit and fucking withers away to nothing. I don’t want friends. I don’t want kids. I don’t want a fiancé. I honestly just have no idea how to handle any of it.

What kind of worthless piece of shit parent thinks that way!? I don’t want my kids half the time because I can’t handle them because of my bipolar? Bring in social services, take them away now. That’s what’s going to end up happening because I’m too god damn fucking honest. FUCK! I don’t want to be like this. I want to be a good mom. I want to not be depressed. I want to get off my fat lazy ass and do something. I DON’T KNOW HOW. I don’t know how to force myself to do it.

Did you hear that? I have to FORCE myself to spend time with my own children. I’m a sad excuse of a parent. I’m a sad worthless excuse of a person.

Everything Matt said was true.

… I don’t even know what else to write.

EDIT: … the ending got a little emotional. I typed so fast to the point I don’t even know what even came out. My mind went blank, so I ended it.

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