Entries are further, and futher apart. I’m sorry for that.
It has been so long since I last wrote. August to nearly December is just too much. Sorry for that. I have no excuses for my lack of writing. I just haven’t felt like writing. Not to mention nothing huge is going on in my life so its not like I have a lot to report on. Ya know? I’m hoping this changes though. I’m hoping to get back in to the scene and start writing more than ever few months. So… what on earth has been going on with me?
Well, I was laid off from my job. I’m not surprised one bit. I didn’t work. I was NEVER there. For christ sakes, I was scheduled three days a week, five hours a day, and I barely made it two hours before I would request to get sent home. It was pitiful in reality. So they didn’t hire me on. Like I said, I wasn’t surprised. Mike was disappointed. I was secretly happy. I just wasn’t in to it like I was when I was there originally. I cringed knowing I had to go to work. I don’t know if its because my bipolar is 300xs worse this time around and I just didn’t want to deal with that plus work or what. Either way, I no longer have a job. I have NO clue if they’re going to hire me back in spring time. Which upsets me. I’m pretty mad at mad at myself for not applying myself more and not working harder. Especially if I screwed it up for the rest of all time and they’ll never want me back now. There goes the possibility of going back when Mikhail is in school… Will I even apply in the spring time? I know Mike will want me too. Will I be able to even handle it? Why try and screw up again and only be left disappointed in the end? *shrugs* I have no idea what I’m going to do about the situation. Quite frankly I don’t care to think of it until spring time rolls around and I have Mike breathing down my neck to reapply.
I’ve had, yet again, another massive overhaul on my medication. I was put on Thorazine. Which made me dumber than rocks. I couldn’t focus on the simplest of answers. So I quit taking it. Next, I told my pdoc about some of the problems I’ve been having which could be or couldn’t be due to medication. So, we did a lithium level blood work. Turns out I was over medicated with that so I had to lower that. I had to lower my Risperidal also because I started pacing back and forth anytime I was staying. I also started rocking back and forth when I stood still. So I lowered that from four pills a day, to one. Then he added Wellbutrin. Which I’ve been on like 3 times now. Once to quit smoking. Twice for depression. Now again, for depression. I told him I didn’t want to take anything that caused sexual side effects because the last anti-depressant I was on I believe Celexa it caused me the inability to reach orgasm. Which SUCKED. So, without the sexual side effects, Wellbutrin was the only one left. So far, it seems to be doing its job. I haven’t had any depression so far. I can’t really complain. I’m still pacing back and forth outside when I smoke. I don’t know if its a side effect from my medication or if its I’m doing it for something to do while I smoke. Oh well… for now, the medication cocktail I have seems to be working enough. I can’t really complain. I’m not stable but I’m not bad either.
Mike’s Mom found out I smoke. She’s entirely against smoking. Why? I don’t know. Either way, when Mike smoked she was on his case the ENTIRE time for doing it. Remind you… I never quit. She thought we quit together. I couldn’t do it. I’ve tried number of things to quit. I didn’t even quit when I was pregnant. I cut back, A LOT but I never fully quit. So anyways, Thanksgiving day she gets me alone in the kitchen and goes, “AND YOU MISSY! I saw you outside last night. I drove by after work and you were outside.” I’m like great, she knows. What does she all have to say about this… I tell her, “Yea. I’m outside a lot.” She says some other stuff… not straight out saying she knows I smoke but I know that’s what she means. I’d tell you what she said but I honestly don’t remember. I completely blew her off. She didn’t say anything else after that. She left it alone. Hasn’t said anything to me since. I’ve been practicing in my mind what I will say to her, if I grow the balls to do so, if she brings it up again. I’ve come up with, “I’m 25 years old. I shouldn’t have to hide something I do from anyone. Out of respect for you, I don’t do it around you. When I come over I don’t do it. I’ve tried quitting, number of times, using number of methods. Living with my emotions and the instability of them, I have one thing that calms me down. Until I’m stable, for a substantial amount of time, and I know I’m ready, I’m not going to quit. I don’t do it around the kids or in the house. I go outside. I don’t do it as much as a lot of others out there.” … thats all I’ve come up with so far. Like I said, I’ll say that to her if I grow the balls to do so. She’s intimidating to me. I don’t want to disappoint her because I don’t want her looking at me like “ugh this is who my son chose”. Ya know?
Well, I suppose. I’m getting hungry. It’s almost Mikhail’s nap time too. I’ll just leave you all with what I’ve written. Hopefully it won’t be another three months before I write again. ;)
