I’m bored out of my mind, so I decided I should blog. I haven’t been really good with keeping up with blogging so I’m going to at least attempt to start writing a lot again. Since I last wrote, Nick came home from being at Matt’s house. He came home with a mohawk; a mohawk that Nickolas didn’t want. Long story short, Matt’s been trying to give him one for months. Nickolas kept telling him that he didn’t want one. Well, all the sudden he walked in the door and he had one. I immediately asked Nick if he wanted it and he responded that he didn’t. I asked him if he wanted me to cut his hair. All the while, Matt was standing in the door way with a smug grin to his face. He was enjoying this. Nickolas said he wanted it cut so that’s what we did. We had to buzz his hair ridiculously short to match where his father had it cut.

That was yesterday. Today, Matt called and we got in to it again. I honestly don’t even know what was all said. We exchanged words for at least an hour. To sum it up, Matt denied every hitting me in front of Nickolas when we were together. He kept hanging up on me because “he didn’t want to raise his voice in front of his son at home”. Which was complete and utter bull shit because he used to scream at me at the top of his lungs causing Nick, who was a newborn at the time, to cry hysterically.

I told Matt, “I’m not taking your abuse anymore. I’m no longer with you. I’m no longer under your control. You can sit here and insult me or belittle me but I refuse to take it anymore.” He hung up on me again. Why? He had his girlfriend listening on speakerphone. He didn’t want her to hear our past.

When he called back I asked why he kept hanging up on me and he said that the past is the past. I’m not allowed to speak of anything of the past. We are allowed to only speak of things regarding Nickolas. Fucking whatever. I just don’t want him to control Nickolas like he did me.

Whatever. So, he brought up the fact that he’s going ot fight for custody *again*. It’s becoming an empty threat. I told him, very calmly, “Please. Go ahead. Fight for custody. I’ll be awaiting the paperwork saying you’re serving me to a hearing. Until then I’m not holding my breath. If you feel as though Nickolas is better off at your house, fight for custody. Until then, I’m not letting you have him. I don’t trust you.”

“You can’t do that. I have police documentation stating so as long as I have a court order granting me rights to see Nickolas, I can. I just have to give you a twenty-four hour notice before taking him. I can take him whenever I wont. However long I want to. There’s nothing you can do about it. If you want to fight it, I’ll contact the police and they can come arrest you for not following court orders.”

He was right. I know the whole process. Our court orders state he is granted visitation at a reasonable time upon reasonable request. There wasn’t shit I can do about it.

I explained to him that we’d be gone a lot during the month of July because we have a lot of events that I want Nickolas to attend. I told him we’d be going up north for about two weeks. He wanted to know exactly the date in which we were leaving. I told him.

“Fine, I’ll take Nickolas until the 9th of July. This is my twenty-four hour notice. I will be picking him up in exactly twenty-four hours. I will be keeping him until the 9th of July. You can’t do nothing about it.”

I demanded that he doesn’t stay that long. I don’t trust he’ll be okay that long. I always try to give Matt the benefit of the doubt that he won’t harm, or put Nickolas in harms way, while having him. I mean, that’s all I can do right? I don’t have absolutely any say in what Matt does or doesn’t do with Nickolas while he’s in his care. All I can do is hope and pray that he’s treating him right.

I told him that he had a doctors appointment and he said he’d keep him until the 1st then. Which is one full week. What can I do? Nothing. So, I guess Nickolas will be gone to Matt’s house until a week from now. He came and picked him up right away because Nickolas wanted to see his Dad.

I think the worse thing about all of this is in Nickolas’ eyes, Matt is a saint. He buys him everything he wants. He takes him to exciting places every single day. Matt is lost in this “perfect family” world now that he has his rich new girlfriend and possibly a new child – which I still don’t believe is his.

He made some smart ass comment about how I do nothing. I’m a retarded bipolar nutcase that don’t know how to take care of my children let alone take care of myself. “You’re a scrub. You don’t dress yourself in any thing but your pajamas. You don’t take care of yourself. Look you already rotted all your teeth out of your head. You’re nothing. You’re scum. I refuse to let you treat Nickolas that way. I buy him everything. You get $230 a month in child support. Why the hell doesn’t this kid have name brand clothing???”

Whatever Matt.

I’m losing all energy to listen and fight with him. I’m warning everyone right now …

Someday, I will snap.
I’ll finally break down and just snap. When I do, I will have the absolute  most intense and the worse break down I’ve ever had in my entire life. I don’t know what will happen at this point but I know that it’s not going to be too far away. My strength to fight him is gone. My strength to ignore him is gone. My strength in general towards everything pertaining him is gone.

I cannot continue my life doing this. I’m screaming out loud for help. I’m telling everyone around me. I will snap one day. I don’t know how to stop myself. A person can only be pushed so far before breaking in two. What would you do if you had to deal with this on a daily basis? Would you be strong? Sure, I’m strong. Sure, I’ve dealt with this for the past seven years, but seven years is a LONG time to just swallow my pride and my emotions regarding this. Eventually, they’re going to explode. I’m going to end up in the hospital for a few weeks, in jail, or dead.

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With that being said, I’m going to move on to a few other points in things going on. I attempted to get a hold of some attorneys the other day. I was denied disability benefits. So, the next step is to file for a reconsideration to have another person review my case and see what their thoughts are. After that, I believe it goes to court – or something. Regardless, I spoke to an attorney that would be willing to help if it gets to that point.

At this point, I have no idea what I want to do. I don’t know/think I have the strength to fight for this anymore. A part of me wants to say, “Get off your fat lazy ass. You don’t need disability benefits, its an easy way out. You need to get the fuck over it and go get a god damn job. Figure out daycare. Figure out food stamps. Get off state benefits and fucking do something with your life instead of sitting around “collecting welfare” and being a bum.” … Now, is that me talking, or my delusions of what everyone else thinks of me? Probably both.

I also scheduled to start seeing a psychotherapist again. Hopefully this one doesn’t fall asleep on me. I don’t see them until August. Mainly because July is a ridiculously busy month for us with our trip and vacation and everything else going on. I really don’t know how this is going to work. I mean, I have to go for weekly appointments at an office that is twenty minutes away. I don’t have the resources to go to these appointments every single week. Sure, I can schedule around Lynn’s (Mike’s Mom) schedule and just have her watch the kids while I go to my appointments, but I hate having to ask her for everything. She says she don’t mind, but seriously, would you want to watch the kids every single week, sometimes on your only day off? What choice do I have in the matter? I need to see one again. I probably will have to see one for the rest of my life. I’ll probably be on medication for hte rest of my life.

My bipolar disorder is progressively getting worse and worse by the day. I’m becoming aware of so many huge red flags that keep going up. I don’t even know what I think about it anymore. I’m in a massive mixed state episode and it’s bad. Guess we’ll see what happens, right? I’m going to have to reschedule the current appointment I have, and see where I go from here.

I need a therapist for disability. I need a doctor whose going to be on my side and help me get this. I need it. I either need it or I need to get off my ass and go beg for my job back.

Life can kiss my ass.