First blog post of 2012! Quick make it interesting…
Hi folks. Its been a long time since I wrote again. Sorry about that. I haven’t been in the mood to blog. I have some New Years resolutions I have to discuss with you all though. I also have to discuss what’s been going on in my life. So here we go…
New Years 2012 Resolutions Proposed Accomplishments
I don’t particularly want to call these resolutions. New Years Resolutions are always things you’d like to do but they’re completely out of the ball park of what you can do. You wind up feeling like a failure because you don’t accomplish them. For that reason, lets not call these resolutions… Let’s call these proposed accomplishments. I plan on doing these! If I don’t do them, I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’m not going to feel like a failure for not completing these goals. So here they are:
- BLOG MORE!!! One of my resolutions, more like the most important resolution, is to blog more often. I want to blog at least once a week. Although I have no life and my blog posts will consist of me whining about how my kids are driving me crazy and about what chores I did that week, we’ll still try to blog more. I’m hoping out of all my ‘resolutions’ this is the one I stick to the most.
- Lose weight? The question mark is because I don’t plan on losing weight. Meaning, I don’t intend on working on losing weight. I’ve been drinking a lot of water the past few weeks. We’re talking eight or nine 23oz bottles of water a day. I have lost 20lbs. I am not working towards losing weight, its just happening. I’ve been thirsty – that’s why I’m drinking as much water as I have been. So if it happens, it happens. I’m not going to cry or beat myself up if it doesn’t happen.
- Stay stabilized. While I’m not 100% stable, I’m pretty damn close. I don’t have mania, which is the main part. I don’t have depression. Which is normal during the winter months and its winter. I’m just here… I’m still having issues, but I’ll get more in to that later. I just want to stay as stable as I can throughout the year.
- Take my meds as directed. I’m not not taking my meds as directed. I’m definitely not abusing my meds. I just want to continue to take my meds as directed. No skipping days because I don’t feel like being medicated. No putting off getting my scripts from Walgreen’s because I am being lazy. Just keep up with my scripts, take them as directed, and stay medicated.
- Continue to see my doctors as regularly scheduled. I want to continue seeing my doctors at the normal schedules. No rescheduling appointments because I don’t want to go. No canceling appointments because I don’t feel as though I need to see him (this is particularly for my therapist). Even if I have nothing to say, I need to go to my doctors.
So there you have it… my ‘resolutions’. They’re not over the top. They’re do-able. Notice how “quitting smoking” is not on there. Yea… I’m not setting myself up for that one. I can’t quit smoking until I’m completely stable for a long period of time. I’m not ready for that. So I didn’t add it on there. Like I said, the blogging one is the one I would like to most stick with. Even if I have nothing to say, I can come up with something to post. Whether it be a recipe or an idea, something!
So what else has been going on with lil’ ol’ me?
Not a whole lot to be honest. Like I said above, I’ve been pretty stabilized in my mental health. Which is fabulous! We’ve come down a long, windy road to get to this point. For the most part it feels alright. I’m not super excited about stability because I’m having issues, mainly sleep issues. I’m always tired. I take my ambien around 8pm and by 9-9:30pm I’m ready for bed. So, I go to sleep. I get up 4-5 times a night because I am drinking so much water so I have to use the bathroom. I go right back to sleep after I get up though. I wake up in the morning feeling very tired. I get up with Mike, lock the door after he leaves, then lay back down on the couch until the boys get up. I usually lay there for about 30 minutes. Then I finally drag myself to get up. It usually takes me 2-3 hours to get fully awake after my morning coffee. Then, its nap time for Mikhail. Which means, its nap time for me too. I lay down and I’m like “yes, I can finally sleep!” then what do I do? I just lay there! For two hours I lay there in hopes that I will fall asleep but by this time I’m already wide awake. HMPH! Continuing on, around 4-5pm I’m exhausted again. I want to just go to sleep. I have to get dinner ready though. Then around 7-8pm I’m wide awake again. At this point, I take my ambien and I start the whole process over again.
So, why does me being tired make me dislike the stability? I miss mania, to an extent. When I’m manic I can sleep 1-5 hours a night and be energetic and alert the next day no problem. I get little sleep and I’m fully functional. It almost is like I’m getting too much sleep currently. That or my body is completely not used to getting this much sleep. Which is odd because I’ve been on ambien and on a ‘normal’ sleep schedule for about 8-9 months now. The only downfall to the manic episodes is the irritability and irrational thoughts. Not to mention the racing mind, the inability to sit still, and the rage episodes. Okay, so mania isn’t so great but man I miss sleeping a few hours and being energized!
Not a whole lot else has been going on. I’ve just been being a normal housewife and stay at home mom.
OH! My old job is hiring again. I hope Mike doesn’t expect me to apply. He hasn’t mentioned anything about it but I really hope he doesn’t. They’re never going to hire me back! Not after all the shit I went through with them over the last year. I wouldn’t hire me back! I’m not stable enough to go back to work. I don’t honestly believe I could handle it again. I would end up VTOing every chance I got. I think I like it better being at home. The extra money is nice to have but *smh* its just not do-able right now. So hopefully Mike doesn’t expect me to re-apply. Then I won’t feel like a failure when they don’t call me back. To be honest, if Mike expected me to apply I would probably just tell him I applied so I didn’t get a call back. No sense in going back to work. I get it… we can barely afford me not working as it is. But I’m still waiting on disability! Although it could be three years before I hear from disability I still have to remain hopeful that maybe one day I will get it.
Alright. I suppose that is all for now. Expect me to write again more in a week or so. Hopefully I have something to say! Me? Have nothing to say? HAHA! That’s funny. We’ll see though. I’m going ot try to stick to this goal!
