My therapist requested that I write all my bipolar episodes that I have had in the past 10 years. This is unreasonable beyond belief to me … and quite frankly I cannot remember all that information. I just realized about a year ago that what was wrong with me was the bipolar… before that I never thought of it as bipolar episodes but instead that I was just crazy.

This is what I’ve come up with so far to inform him… I’ve left a lot out because I simply cannot remember. This sucks beyond belief but at least I’m writing SOMETHING from the past 10 years instead of , “I can’t remember anything.” Right? It’s just going to have to do.

Age 13 I had severe depression at this time. I shut myself off from the world by barricading myself in the house in front of the computer. I didn’t go out to hang out with friends. I didn’t really talk to anyone. I stayed home online for days without a single problem doing so. I was extremely suicidal at the time. I used to cut pretty bad back then. I would have uncontrollable fits of crying and anger. My rage was just beginning. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. My self image was depleted. This lasted almost the entire year with a few minor manic episodes in between – nothing that was substantial that I can remember specifically.

Age 14 I began having more manic episodes. My mind began racing and I was unable to control my thoughts or my feelings. I was delusional in my beliefs of what others thought. I believed they thought completely different things that were the truth. My school work didn’t matter to me – nothing mattered to me. I grew this mind set of “I just don’t care anymore.” which caused to self destruction. I began doing marijuana and alcohol with destructive friends. I also became sexually active. I had a mind set of nothing I did had consequences. I felt as though I was better than everyone else. I was better and bigger than my parents and felt as though I had absolutely no need to listen to what they had to say because they were wrong.

Age 15 I continued on my manic episodes throughout these years. I was still very self destructive. Nothing I did had consequences. The drug and alcohol abuse continued to progressively get worse. My friends were worried about my actions. I began having sex with random guys and as long as I got affection and attention from them that’s all that mattered. I met Matt and I was very euphoric after that. Nothing could go wrong. Everything was perfect. Nothing mattered. I dropped out of high school. I stopped seeing my friends. My “I don’t care about anyone but myself” phase shined through again. I didn’t care about any responsibilities as long as I felt good. I went days without sleep and had so much energy I could run a mile. I would forget to eat and drink which landed me to end up very sick.
Age 16 Before/during pregnancy I began another sprout of depression. I started to feel very worthless and like life had no meaning. I began cutting again. My new son and boyfriend didn’t matter to me. My favorite activities couldn’t even keep me preoccupied. I stopped talking to all my family and friends once again. Everyone grew progressively worried about me. I would have days of doing nothing but crying and sleeping. I pretty much lost 40lbs and ‘wasted away’ to nothing because I did nothing but sleep in bed. There would be weeks where I wouldn’t have done nothing or seen any daylight. I kept myself shut, blinds drawn, and in complete darkness. I quit my job at the time because I couldn’t force myself to go.

Age 17 After I broke up with Matt I triggered myself in to another extreme manic episode. Once again I began sleeping around with a few random guy friends. I became a ‘party girl’. Work wasn’t a priority. My son wasn’t a priority. I just cared about myself and what I wanted to do. It was all the same stuff, I was very destructive, rebelling, and slept very little which caused my aggravation and rage to soar. I worried my family with my careless attitude.

Age 18 -19 Were pretty tame … I had very tame episodes – or at least nothing substantial that triggers a lot of memories of severe episodes. I do recall having a few segments of rapid cycling.

Age 20-21 I hit a severe manic episode which caused me to push Mike away. I craved attention from others, especially guys. I put my job and relationships in jeopardy because of this affection and attention need I had to have fulfilled. I don’t believe in cheating but I felt as though I should at that time. Nothing Mike could do was right. Nothing anyone could do was right. Work was extremely hard during this time. I would excel when feeling euphoric but then it got to a point where I would no longer follow rules or direction because I felt like I was above my management and that I knew more than them. My mind would race uncontrollably making it very hard to express my thoughts to others because it would come out so fast people couldn’t understand it. My thought processed a lot slower than my hands would type at work. This would cause me to screw up at work – it was vital that our tickets were spelled correctly and made sense — I had a hard time doing this. A lot of time when I’ m manic, I have a hard time expressing simple thoughts because of racing thoughts. My mind thinks too fast for me to portray what I”m trying to type. Causing me to make easy mistakes. I began to not get along with my co-workers because my attitude changed. I felt like I was better than them and I didn’t have to speak to them.  My careless and carefree attitude returned. I pushed Mike away to the point of nearly breaking up. I thought I was better than him and nothing he did was fine.  I nearly lost my job many times because I would blow off the advice of my co-workers and my management team. I also went weeks without sleeping more than a few hours a night that it got to a point where exhaustion would set in. During the time the exhaustion hit I would begin to call in to work – we had a thing called “VTO – voluntary time off” in which you can volunteer to go home because it was dead. I left on a daily basis because I didn’t feel as though it was my responsibility to stay. I just didn’t care of what my responsibilities were. This caused me to lose money and make it extremely hard to pay off debt and bills.

Then, I got pregnant and caused a complete change. This is the year I went from extreme mania to extreme depression without any down time in between. The depression was severe. I began to cut again – for the first time in a long time. I was extremely suicidal. I scared Mike to the point of not wanting to leave me alone to go to work because he feared what I’d do. I stopped eating and drinking – this was also due to the illness I get while pregnant called hyperemesis. I slept hours upon hours a day. I ended up leaving work and being put on short term disability because of the illness – and a majority because of the depression – thankfully I was more sick than anything so I didn’t have to let work know that a lot of it was due to depression. I would go days without doing anything but what was absolutely necessary. I begged Matt to take Nickolas for weeks so I didn’t have to deal with him and so I could just stay in solitary confinement that I made for myself.  This continued until after my youngest son was born.

Age 22-Present Extreme mixed states and rapid cycling. My episodes have gotten progressively worse over the past two years. Everything described above with the symptoms I receive with both mania and depression have been magnified times 10.  I’ve had more manic episodes than depression in the past two years. The depression comes and goes, and only lasts for a few days but when it hits its severe.  Suicidal thoughts have accompanied these but nothing substantial to be self destructive. I have had problems with racing thoughts while not being able to focus on my tasks or activities. I’ll be manic majority, if not all the time, while having bouts of depression for a few days here and there. Increased sex drive, increased urge to spend and party. Anti-social and shut out from the world while wanting attention from others. My biggest problem right now is that I’m paranoid, unable to focus, and unable to think properly. My thoughts are racing so much that I can’t slow them down enough to have a rational thought. My tasks and responsibilities for the day are taking a toll because if I’m manic I feel like I don’t have to do them and that they’re not my problem – if I’m depressed I’m usually stuck on the couch doing nothing around the house anyways. I don’t move. I feel worthless. I feel as though everyone is better off without me. I feel like I’m ruining my child’s and fiance’s lives. I can’t function normally or do what is responsible of me.

My hygiene takes a huge toll also.  In fact, I’ve previously been fired from a job because I went through a bad bout of depression and came to work on a daily basis looking ‘scrubby’ in sweats and unshowered. It’s not that I don’t notice it, I do, I just don’t care or feel like I’m worthy of taking the time of day for myself to do that. I have a hard time dressing and looking professional while I’m depressed. I just want to feel comfortable when I feel so down.

It’s been very long since I have had a laid back day without feeling extreme mania or extreme depression. I have pushed a lot of people away. I’ve given up on a lot of battles for disability, schooling, relationships, just to regret it and start back up again. I make a lot of poor choices and say a lot of mean and hurtful things just to also regret it afterward. While I’m manic and/or have mixed states like this I say a lot of stuff without remorse or thought. This also gets me in a lot of trouble.

When I lose patience or get any form of extreme emotion – whether it be upset, happy, manic, depressed, I need to take a break to calm myself down. This happens so frequently and it takes such a long time to get back to normal that it makes it very hard to be on a set schedule. While working, if I were to get upset I’d pretty much stay upset the entire day, losing my cool, because I was never able to fully take the time to cool myself down to be functional again.

One instance while working I thought I had made a massive mistake and it triggered such severe depression and anxiety that I cried uncontrollably until my boss told me to take the rest of the day off. I was completely out of hand and my panic attack worried everyone around me. I nearly quit my job because if that.

Another thing I have to deal with on a regular basis is my changing interests and raging ideas. When I am feeling particularly manic I feel like I can conquer the world. I take on a lot of new tasks and hobbies. I make life altering decisions on impulse because I feel like I can handle it. Some of my daily routines and hobbies include couponing, entering sweepstakes, and web design. I go in so many spurts where I get focused on all of them and I get a great routine down – then I hit depression and I don’t care about any of them. This follows a lot of aspects in my life. I’m very focused and determined while manic then I drop everything like they mean nothing ot me while depressed. This frequently changes … and it makes the life altering decisions I decide on while thinking on impulse very hard to solve. While manic I make purchases to follow through my ideas. For instance, I’ll purchase a new web domain when I feel manic to pursue a new business idea or personal site I have in mind. I have also done this for a lot of other hobbies. Spending money on something I’m fond of that day and putting all my time, energy, and money in to this one idea. I think in an irrational way when it comes to these ideas. As soon as depression hits, I forget about it completely and or don’t care to follow through with it no matter how much time, money, or energy I’ve spent on it.

That’s the hardest thing with my moods – they’re so unpredictable and uncontrollable that when they hit no one knows they’re coming. They come out of no where hit hard and hit fast. This made work incredibly difficult. I’d be doing GREAT one day, excelling in all they’re asking me to do then BAM! I have depression and I could care less what I was doing. Then all the sudden I’d get picked up and excel again. It got to a point where my bosses didn’t even want to talk to me or ask of anything of me because they didn’t know how I would react. It seems that’s how it is in every aspect of my life. My co-workers, bosses, family, friends, Mike, and my kids are always on egg shells because they don’t know if I’ll be in a good mood or a bad mood. Being incredibly unstable with these mood shifts make any tasks, whether they’re daily chores or important duties incredibly hard.

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