It’s been a few days. A few really rough days.

First and foremost, thank you to those who took the time to read my previous blog post. I know it was long, and it took forever to get through, those who did, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words. Your encouragement. It brought me to where I am right this moment.

So, here I am… It’s been a few days. Here is what has happened…

Saturday – Sunday Saturday night I went to bed around 2 am? I woke up about 4 am. As soon as I opened my eyes, a flood of emotion hit me. There was no way I was going back to sleep. My stomach was upset. I went to the bathroom. After about 20 minutes, I came out and found Mike getting dressed. He made sure I was ok. We both went downstairs and made some coffee for ourselves. I was upset. Really sad. I sat down and by 4:45 am, I opened a new blog post and started typing. I got up, did small things around the house throughout the day. My sister called. I talked to her for 2.5 hours. We finally decided it was too much emotion. We got off the phone. I continued typing. I wrote my blog post (see the previous post) and it ended up being 13,334 words long. I ended it around 5 pm. While typing it, Mikhail had a playdate. His friend came over and hung out for a few hours. I made them pizzas. Mike left. He really wanted me to come along but with the playdate, I couldn’t leave. Mike came home around 6 pm. Just as Mikhail’s friend was leaving to go home. Mike asked me, “have you eaten?” I told him no. He told me to get in the kitchen, find SOMETHING to eat. “I don’t care if it’s cake. It better be a BIG piece of cake but EAT SOMETHING!” After looking in the fridge for a good 15 minutes, I finally settled on some mashed potatoes, a few slices of ham, and a couple of shrimp. I ate as much as I could and got rid of the rest. At this point, I had eaten a total of 800 calories worth of food since Friday. I was sick of crying. At this point, I was still kinda hurt, but mostly just angry. I slept 2 hours the previous night. Not a single moment during Sunday did I feel tired. I never attempted to take a nap. I never grew tired. Mike said it was because I was overtired. We talked a little bit then got the boys ready for bed. We went to sleep around 9:30 pm. It took me until sometime after midnight to fall asleep. I still had so much going on in my head.

Monday So, I did fall asleep around midnight sometime. Around 3 am, I woke up. Again, a flood of emotion came over me, and my stomach was really upset. I quietly got up, got dressed, took my phone, and went to the bathroom. After, I decided there was no hope for me to go back to sleep. I would just have to go through the day without much sleep and try to nap later. I went downstairs. It was too early and everyone was sleeping – including Mike. I couldn’t make any coffee because I am incapable of being quiet. I sat down on the couch and rested my eyes for a few minutes. I was really angry. I kept going over the whole situation in my head. Each time I thought of something that was said on Saturday, I just grew angry. I sat there until around 5, when Mike woke up and went right into the bathroom to get ready for the day. He came downstairs and asked how long I had been up. He told me, “You eat today. You sleep today. Got it?” I agreed. I got the boys off to school. I talked to Krystal briefly. She explained how sad and upset she was after we spoke on Sunday. She puts up a good front of being this hard ass and rough and tough but all my emotion got to her too. I didn’t mean to upset her. I didn’t think my bullshit with mom would have opened anything up for her because like I said, she’s so rough and tough and can handle anything and push off any emotion that comes her way. She is the polar opposite of me. So she tells me she doesn’t really want to talk about it today and I told her “to be honest, I am so over it.” Mike and I talked throughout the day. Sarah and I talked about it throughout the day. Mike told me before he left for work, “You keep reliving it and bringing it up, it’s just going to keep hurting. Try to let it go today and rest.” The conversations I had throughout Monday just made me feel stronger and more enabled. I felt empowered. I was ready.

Throughout the day, I forced myself to eat. I managed two deviled eggs, a piece of cinnamon bread, and a bowl of broccoli cheese soup. Afterward, I took several deep breaths, tried to relax, and I went upstairs, climbed into bed. Within 10 minutes, I was fast asleep. I slept until Nick walked into the house, which was roughly three solid straight hours.

Mike came home from work. He gave me a kiss. I threw macaroni and cheese in the oven and we all ate. I ate my entire bowl. Then I ate some of Mikhail’s bowl.

Mike went downstairs. I decided… I was done. I’m over it. I went and blocked my mom from Facebook. Then I proceeded to pour my heart out, one final time.

This is what I wrote:

OK! I’m back. Sorry can’t get rid of me that easily. After one shit show of a day, being stronger than I have EVER been in my life, getting through it, breaking down after being put down so low I thought I was being buried, a promise made, reassurance, sleeping 2 hours and being alone with my thoughts in silence while the house slept, starting a blog post at 4:45 am, writing until 4:54 pm and ending up with 13,344 WORDS of what I needed to say, going to someone I trust, breaking down again, learning the truth behind love, sleeping 3 more hours. Going from really low, heartbroken, upset, crying, lonely, torn apart, alone, broken… I have eaten a total of 900 calories worth of food since Friday. I spent the day, forcing food in to my body. Then sleeping as long as I could. I grew angry and now I seek … not revenge, but removal. It comes with this promise.

I WILL NEVER, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, EVER LET SOMEONE MAKE ME FEEL AS LOW AS I FELT ON SATURDAY EVER AGAIN. NO ONE WILL EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN.

I am better than that. I AM BETTER THAN THAT! I have removed the toxins from my life. I’m angry. Do NOT push me. If I find you toxic too, guess what I will NOT hesitate to remove you too. I was shown TRUE LOVE. The love I have NEVER experienced in my ENTIRE life in the past two days while I worked through this and grew stronger and accepted that I am who I am and if someone cannot value ME as WHO I AM then that is on them, not me. I know who matters. They have shown brighter than anyone else ever has. I saw them.

Mike promised me – NEVER AGAIN. I promised him back. I will never allow another soul to ever make me feel so low and useless and worthless.

I am who I am, love me or hate me, talk shit behind my back, say what you will. But you will NOT come into MY home and do that to me EVER again. You are no longer welcome in my life. You will have to live with that for the rest of your life. What is sad, is you will never know what you did because you truly do not even know that you did anything wrong. Mike witnessed me hurt more than he has ever seen me hurt. If that man did not love me as much as he loves me he would not have felt that hurt that I felt himself.

SO FUCK YOU! I’m fucking over it. It will take time to heal and pick of the pieces you shattered so badly on Saturday. I promise you I will pick up every last one and build myself back up because I am BETTER THAN YOU. You just couldn’t accept that.

Thank you to those who were with me these past two days in the absolute DARKEST I have ever been in my life. You know who you are.

Mike, baby, I love you. Never again.

… with that, I felt free. I felt closure. I felt like a whole new person. Sure, it will take time to heal. I will dwell on it and relive it over and over again because that’s what I do but guess what, that is WHO I AM. I told myself, never ever again will I feel that pain.

Tuesday I spent the day exhausted. I hit the pillow the night before and slept until the second my alarm went off. Something was released from me, I was free. I slept like a log. No more guilt, pain, nothing.

I went through the day tired but alive. Mike treated me differently. He had this sweetness in him. He was so patient and kind and loving. He created an entire playlist titled ’05 and sent it to me. I listened to it the entire day. It meant so much to me. He came home and we talked. We enjoyed dinner together. He went downstairs for a little while. He even had a talk with Nickolas about ignoring his bullies and was there for him.

Today While writing this, Krystal called me. She asked me if I thought Mom even has a clue of what we feel or what even happened, or do I think she’s sitting there going, “Well, I don’t know what the hell I did but whatever, fuck ’em”. I’m like “Oh. She is definitely going, ‘I don’t know what I did wrong but fuck ’em’ because she truly probably has no clue what she did was wrong or even think that anything went wrong that day.

We discussed how her boyfriend thinks we’re overreacting. “She’s just the bitter old woman no one wants to deal with so everyone kinda ignores her and she sits in the corner alone but she’s there,” I said, no fuck that. I may be overreacting. She or he might think that Mike overreacted by saying she is NEVER allowed in our house again. Neither of them saw me that night. Neither of them was there to witness me trying to get out what happened over the course of the day while breaking down, broken, sad, alone, and try to stop myself, to have strength, to stop crying, take a deep breath, be above it, and start again. Mike witness that. Mike, the person who loves me more than anyone else, had to sit there and watch me break over and over again. He had to witness the one person he loves with all his heart hurt more than she has EVER hurt after all the years of bullshit that she has gone through to get to the point of where she is now only to be beaten and broken and push to the ground. Do I think I overreacted? Maybe slightly. However, I also believe that overreacting would have been her telling me, “you’re not allowed to talk, SPEAK, MENTION, say a god damn word about your budget today………” and me going “you know what, get the fuck out of my house”. No, that would have been overreacting. I sat there. For seven hours, cooking, cleaning, running around, catering to her, doing this for her, being there for her, hosting this party for her. Every demand, every request, every snide remark, every put down, every comment, everything that happened over that seven hours, I did nothing. Sarah, she had NO CLUE. “You had a smile on your face the entire night!” Krystal, simply thought the tension that was in the air was because of her exchange with Mom. No one knew. Mike. All he knew was that kept saying “help. Please save me.” He thought “Nikki’s with her sisters, she’s overwhelmed, she’s just being Nikki.” He had NO CLUE. He told me, if he knew an ounce of what happened that night before I told him, she would have been thrown out immediately. CJ, Krystal, Sarah, Josh, none of them saw me that night. I am an over emotional person. I blow things out of proportion.

I asked Krystal… “You walked in the door. You didn’t even so much as have the door closed behind you. The SECOND Mom saw you, she insulted you. Do you deserve that? Is how you reacted, was that blowing things out of proportion? Did you overreact?” No. Because she said it, so coldly, without feeling, without remorse, she insulted you and felt NOTHING by doing it. And you HURT. You had to have hurt. If you didn’t hurt, you would NOT have reacted the way you did.

I told her. Maybe I am overreacting. Then her phone died. Fuck. I was NOT done with this conversation yet.

I wanted to say, maybe I am overreacting. What about you? You haven’t spoken to dad in over a year. Are you overreacting to that? He hasn’t even done anything to you. Aside from shit that happened when we were kids. You refuse to even try with Dad. Maybe that’s just it, you are telling me that I’m possibly overreacting because Mom raised you and somewhere deep inside you have a soft spot for her, just like somewhere deep inside, I have one for Dad. Right now, I brought up all sorts of old shit that upset me. I’m pissed at Mom and in return, Dad got roped into this situation too.

My dad called me not even 10 minutes after I posted what I did on FB. I wasn’t ready to hash it out with him. Someday, yes, I will talk to him again. I will explain everything. Who knows, maybe I’ll even have the balls to say something about how we were treated as kids. That won’t matter, but he doesn’t believe he did anything wrong. “everyone looks at their childhood with different colored glasses. Everyone sees things differently.” He called, and no, I didn’t answer. I wasn’t ready. HE did nothing wrong. I haven’t spoken to him since Christmas. Now that got me thinking a little…

On Saturday, I posted a series of three posts on Facebook. One included saying, “I can go the rest of my life never doing that again.” before I went downstairs and spoke to Mike and while I let myself reflect on the evening… still being as strong as I could. All the strength in the world, couldn’t have beat me at that moment. I was fierce. I was strong. I just endured seven hours of being nailed down lower and lower for being who I am as a person by the person who loves me no matter what I am.

Man, I really have a lot to say to Krystal right now.

Anyway, I wrote three posts on Facebook SATURDAY NIGHT and not once did Dad try contacting me. Maybe he didn’t see it? That man sees EVERYTHING I post on FB. I’ll even go as far as saying, “OK, the one post I did was late on Saturday night…” Ok. Fine. What about Sunday? I didn’t a single phone call on Sunday. How about Monday? Nothing then either. No, it wasn’t until I posted DRAMA that he was like OH OH OH I WANNA KNOW WHATS GOING ON OH OH OH TELL ME!

Smh. I’m going to summarize an ending to this post because I literally was all over the place with it.

I will never let another human being treat me like she treated me that night. Overreacting or not. Every single person who has read my post. Every single person who has heard the story has said the same thing, “Your mother is supposed to be proud of you.”

Mike witnessed the one person he loves more than anyone else (aside from maybe Mikhail) hurt more than she has ever hurt in the world. No one else witnesses that. For him to see me like that, and the first thing he says is, “she is never allowed in our home again because she came into MY house and did THIS to YOU.”

I will talk to Dad again… someday. Right now, the emotion feels too strong. He got roped into this because everything got stirred around and in the BIG PICTURE of things, he is not innocent in this. He also didn’t cause this.

I am OVER it.

Someday, I may forgive this. I am a pretty forgiving person. I don’t like carrying things out. I especially do not like conflict. I won’t go forever never speaking to my mom ever again. I can promise you one thing. Mike’s promise to never let this happen to me again holds true. He keeps his promises. He will never allow her back into this house. He did NOT like her before Saturday. He put up with her for me. That is over.

I will grow stronger than I have EVER been because of this. No more walking all over me. No more being overly kind to those who don’t appreciate it.

 

written on January 17, 2018 at 12:53 pm with 1 Comment
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