Talk about a TERRIBLE week! I have pictures from the entire week. I don’t know if I’m going to make a Project Life 52 page for this week because things were mostly bad and I mainly took pictures of myself – typical – but we’ll see. So here’s what happened, brace yourselves…

Sunday

Sunday we were promised high temperatures in the high 60’s. Well, that never happened. Earlier that morning, Mike took a shower. He noticed something in the shower but didn’t say anything about it. After a pretty lazy day, we decided to go take a quick bike ride to calm Mikhail down. All of us got ready. I was wearing my hair up in a ponytail from Friday’s shower and took it down to put on my helmet. We went for about a 2-mile bike ride, played at the park for a while, the boys did parkour, and we headed home. Here are my photos from that event:

We came home and I attempted to warm up. Once our bikes were put away, I started dinner. After dinner, the family was gathered around to enjoy some time watching The Walking Dead. I still had my hair in a lower ponytail from the helmet so I ran my fingers in the back of my head and went to feel for the ponytail holder. I felt a very soft patch of my head. I freaked out. Started frantically feeling my head. I go, “Babe! Do I have a bald spot on my head!?” He looked and goes, “Oh yeah, you do.” I started crying and freaking out. He demanded I make a doctors appointment immediately and get it figured out. I asked how big it was and he said it was only about an inch across, maybe two inches in width. After I bawled my eyes out for a while, we concluded after many searches online that it had to be stress related.

I ended up saying, Great, I’m fat, toothless, and now balding! Of course, Mike being the supportive guy he is, the man of many words had nothing to say to that. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I guess saying nothing was better than saying something wrong and making it worse.

I took a shower praying and hoping no more hair fell out. Unfortunately, it did. After brushing and washing and conditioning, I had Mike take a survey of the damage. He simply said, “It’s much worse than I thought it was earlier.” More tears and water works from me, and I was ready to just crawl into a hole and die.

I made an appointment for my day off on Tuesday to see our doctor. I ended up taking my pills fairly early that night and just going to bed. I just wanted the day to be over with.

Monday

Monday wasn’t any better. I was still deeply hurt and depressed about what my body had done. We had determined even before seeing the doctor that it either had to be 1.) stress-induced or 2.) Alopecia Areata which is yet another autoimmune disease and since I already have five autoimmune diseases we figured that could have been the culprit.

Monday morning, I took my hair out of being in a low ponytail (the only way I could see wearing it now ). I had Nick take a picture of the damage.

Much bigger than I anticipated and hoped. I cried for a good twenty minutes while looking at that photo. I sucked it up and got the boys on the bus. I attempted to do what I could with my hair and got ready for work. While there, I put my new deskmates on my desk hoping that they would comfort me.

I had bought Lilo Funko Pop! from Amazon with my mini buy-everything-you-want-from-your-Amazon-wishlist shopping spree I had done this weekend. Nick let me have Sadness from Inside Out. I made it until the first break until I couldn’t take it any longer. I went to my team leader, Erika, and talked to her about what was happening. I explained I lost a 3″ diameter of hair in the back of my head and I am unsure what caused it. It’s stressing me out and I couldn’t focus on work. I didn’t want to get in trouble and I asked if there was any way I could VTO (voluntary time off) for the day until I could see my doctor the next day. She pulled some strings and made it happen. Very grateful, I headed out the door just after 11:30 am.

I spent the rest of my Monday wallowing away in my own sorrow and sadness. Mike came home for lunch and we spent a little time together talking and just him being there comforted me. Afterward, Lynn and George came home and I talked to them for almost the rest of the night.

Tuesday

Tuesday was the big day. I was finally seeing my doctor. 9 o’ clock didn’t come fast enough. I went in and she didn’t give me too many answers. “Sure it could be stress. Oh, you have five autoimmune diseases? It could be that now you have a sixth one. It could be your thyroid. It could be a major stress. It could be anything really. Let’s get you tested. I’ll run tests on your thyroid and go from there. Go see a counselor and get some help with your stress.” I felt lost and hopeless. I went and got my blood and urine tests done, then she wanted me to go upstairs to get an EKG done because of my increasing chest pains. We ruled out anything heart related with the pains so it all narrowed down to stress. She told me to speak to my psychiatrist as soon as possible and get fixed up by him. I left there without much answer to what was going on other than what we already knew. It was stress. You need to release your stress. You need to stress out less. You need to find ways to relieve your stress. Yea! Easier said than done. God, this was much easier when I was smoking. I didn’t have any of these problems when I smoked. *shakes head* That’s not the answer, Nik and you know it. 

I came home defeated. I called my sister to cry and moan about what happened. I was like, wait a minute, I’m going to call my pdoc and see if he has any cancellations or something for today! I saw him next week but if there was a way I could see him today I was going to try. I called up and asked. She said he had an opening at 1 pm today. It was 12:04 pm when I called. She asked if I was going to be able to make it in time and I said absolutely! See you soon! I took the fastest route and sped the entire way there. I made it there in a record 28 minutes. I was early but he liked early. He opens the door and ushers me in.

“Nik… what is going on? What happened?!”

“I am freaking out! I lost 3″ circle in the back of my head of hair and my doctor says it’s stress. My anxiety is absolutely terrible and I cannot stop stressing out from a hundred things at once and I cannot control myself anymore!”

“Ok. Settle down. We can fix this. We will fix you. Let’s go through the anxiety symptoms first, then I’ll ask about the bipolar ones. Do you have shakiness?” I nodded. “How about tightness in your chest? Feeling like you’re choking? Constant feeling of worry? Over thinking things? Unsure of the future and being worried about that…. etc.” I nodded to every single one. He goes, “Good!”

“Good!?” I said disgustedly. “What do you mean good!?”

“Anxiety is easy to fix. Now, on to the bipolar aspect of things. Do you have racing thoughts due to bipolar?” I shook my head no.  “Good. Do you have euphoria? Depression? Episodes of crying? Rage or irritability?” No. No. No. “See, this is good. Anxiety is an easy fix. Anxiety is predictable. You worry, we give you meds, you worry less. It’s your bipolar disorder that is unpredictable and uneasy to fix. I thought you were coming in here because your bipolar was messed up and I was really worried because you’ve been stable for so long. I am so relieved that it’s only anxiety. We will fix you, Nik. You will be better. We will get you back to normal in no time. It is an easy fix and we can do it easily.”

I was on (2) 0.5mg of Klonopin each night before bed.

I am now on 1mg of Klonopin 3 xs daily. So I tripled my dose of Klonopin each day. This also means I’m taking it at the root of the problem, each day, during the day, morning, afternoon, and night. He said to try really hard not to take the evening dose unless I absolutely need it because it’s going to make me drowsy taking that much. I took the evening dose for the first two days then I stopped and only took the daily doses.

Since then I feel a lot better. I am much calmer and my mind isn’t racing with all the unknowns.  I feel a lot better. My day isn’t filled with so much worry that I don’t know how to handle it.

So I have one problem. I cannot put my hair up how I normally keep my hair up, though. Here’s are the pictures of how I attempted to put my hair up (like I normally do) and failed miserably. The last photo is of how I ended up keeping my hair up for a few days instead.

Not terribly noticeable but I sit directly in front of the main door of the call center. Ya know, where EVERYONE walks through and sees my big ol’ back of my head and bald spot.

With that being said, I might get over this pretty quickly because I move desks on Monday…

Friday

Skip ahead to Friday, Friday I get to work, carrying my backpack which didn’t include my planner because I decided to leave that home, and go to my desk. Tony is sitting at my desk, signed into the phones and everything. What the hell!? I go to the command center and they go, “Oh yeah, we’re moving you. You’ve got to move all your stuff out of your desk and sit in Katie’s desk for today. You can move all your stuff into your desk on Monday.” Grrr! I go back to my desk and shove EVERYTHING into my backpack and my backpack is bursting at the seams! It’s amazing what you accumulate in less than 2 weeks! I take my backpack to Katie’s desk and do my best to adjust. Katie has her desk set up for her own setup. All the icons and windows are set up how she has them. I cannot change or arrange anything. This is not going to work. I’m a person of ORDER and this is so chaotic! I made it to my first break before I put in for VTO and they ended up letting me go at 1 pm thankfully.

I came home, dropped off my giant backpack of stuff, and went to the grocery store. I bought $100 worth of groceries – tons of stuff we didn’t necessarily need but I wanted anyway. It was a nice time just relaxing and walking through the store. I came home, put everything away and just relaxed in the peace and quiet of the afternoon.

When Mike came home, we went to the Sports Show at the fair park. We didn’t see anything interesting there so we left and picked up food for the boys and us.

Saturday

Today I woke up at the bright hour of six to listen to Mikhail whine in his sleep because he had a cramp in his foot. I got up and rubbed the cramp out. I laid back down to toss and turn for a solid 10 minutes only to get up and give up. I got my coffee and was excited about writing this blog. Not because of the terrible things that are included but I feel like blogging is a release. Once I get it out of my fingers, onto the screen, it’s out of my head, ya know? Once it’s out there, it’s gone from in here.

Mikhail refuses to go to the last practice of basketball. He’s just done, through, complete. He had a hard time going last week and ended up going and didn’t even barely participate because of a certain few boys that were on his team hogging the ball and not doing much for him. He never got the ball, he never got to shoot. He just doesn’t want to complete it.

Now, this is normally where I have a little bird chirping to me, “If he signs up for something he must complete it all the way through!” And getting on my ass about everything. Thankfully that little bird witness Mikhail’s performance last week and probably realizes why we’re not forcing him to go for his last and final practice.

As for the rest of our Saturday, I just don’t know. We don’t have anything planned. Maybe I can talk Mike into getting some of the basement cleaned out. *shrugs* If he doesn’t, I don’t even care. If he were to sit on the computer all day today watching movies and browsing Facebook instead of doing anything productive that would be A-OK with me because he’s been under the same amount of stress as I have been. I just show my stress on my body. He builds all his up. He can do whatever today. I haven’t decided what I’m going to clean today. I have to make something worth productiveness in my day for today. But what will it be?

There’s one final thing I want to show you before completing this extremely long entry.

80’s coloring competition

So, this month’s challenge in the Hannah Lynn coloring group on Facebook is 80’s themed. I saved all my coloring pages that I thought I would do for the competition and decide later which one I would pick for the final choice. I took all my coloring stuff to work with me and this is what I did this week. I did three out of the four I said I was going to do. I would have done another on Friday but since they put me on Katie’s desk and I was stuck not coloring.

Here’s what I’ve done:

The 80’s reminds me of retro and rainbow and bright neon colors. So that’s what I attempted to do. So far the middle one has over 70 likes on Facebook so I think I might choose her to be my final competition winning entry. I thought I liked how the third one turned out with the black hair and ‘sparkles’ but not many people liked that one. I tried really hard to blend her hair into rainbow tips too but that didn’t turn out well either. The first one was just me playing around with those markers that I got.

Ok. This entry is over 2550 words so I’m going to end this here. I’m a bit winded from typing all that.  Thanks for listening to my stress nonsense. I feel a little better. Maybe I’ll wear my hair up like I normally do because I’ll only have two people behind me at my new desk and they won’t be able to see it. *shrugs* Who knows, we’ll see what happens on Monday.

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written on March 11, 2017 at 8:08 am with 1 Comment
Filed under: Anxiety, Coloring, Health, Struggles, Work