When are suicidal thoughts considered serious? I ask because we’ve been brought into this whole new world that I wasn’t ready for. Let me rewind back to Wednesday of last week.

It was a normal day. Everything was fine. I got the boys ready for school. They left and I got ready for work. I surprisingly didn’t get sick in the morning which was great! Today was going to be a good day! I had a decent time at work. I got to lunch time. I ate my lunch and finally satisfied my hunger. I did what I also do. I ate my lunch, went and put my lunch bag and water bottle back at my desk, then went to the bathroom. While going to the bathroom, my phone rang. It was a 525 number. School. Not the office, nor was it the nurse’s station. Well, what could it be? Shit, I’m in the bathroom, I cannot entirely answer my phone. Only phone use is allowed in the phone room. Fuck it, I’m answering it.

“Hello?”

“Hello. Mrs. ____?”

“Yes, this is she.” … run out of the bathroom and run into the phone room.

“This is Mr. Sta___. I am the acting body in the dean of student’s office while Mr. Bor___ is out. Do you have a moment to talk?”

“I honestly have three minutes to talk. I am on my lunch and need to get back to my desk. They’re very strict here. What’s going on?”

“Nickolas wrote a note to his fifth-period teacher asking what he should do when he felt depressed and suicidal. He wanted to kill himself. He is currently speaking to the school’s police officer and the Crisis Team.”

… tears well up in my eyes. “Ok. Do I need to come get him? I can leave right now!?”

“No. That’s not necessary. We think it would be more beneficial if he stayed and talked to everyone here and used the resources we have available. I know you have to go. Can I call you back in about an hour? I’m going to get lunch for Nick and have him eat.”

“You can’t call this number. Call my work number on the file and they will get the message to me and I’ll return your call immediately as fast as I can.”

“Do you want to talk to Nick?”

::kills me:: “I can’t! I have to go back to work! I’m already almost late. I’m so sorry. Please call me back on my work number and I’ll talk to him then.”

I hang up with him and realize I just told my suicidal son that I didn’t want to speak with him because I was worried about getting an occurrence at work for being late from lunch. Bring on FULL on panic and anxiety attack. I get to my desk. I punch in just in time. I switch from “Lunch” to “Team Leader” and immediately go to talk to my boss.

I explain very quickly, between sobs and tears, what was said. I knew nothing. I knew that Nick wrote a letter to his teacher that he wanted to kill himself and that I just told him I couldn’t talk to him.

She understood. She said if I need to go, I can go. “Go be with him. Be with your son! Work is the last thing on your mind. Don’t worry about us. Go be with him.” I thanked her for understanding and ran to my desk just sobbing. Thankfully I didn’t run into anyone and no one recognized that I was bawling my eyes out. I don’t even know if I punched out of my desk and phone correctly. I grabbed my stuff and ran to my car. I got there and just let loose. I had sent Mike two text messages and he hadn’t responded so I called him. Between sobs, I explained the VERY little that I knew. He said, “I WILL CALL YOU BACK IN FIVE MINUTES! DO NOT GO ANYWHERE!”

He called me back and told me to carefully make my way him. Take a deep breath and meet him at home. He was leaving immediately and meeting me there. I said OK and made my way home the best I could.

It took him about twenty more minutes to get to home after I arrived. I calmed myself down little since then.

He said, “I’m going to the bathroom then we are going to the school.” I said, “He said he’d call me back!” Mike replied with, “I don’t give a fuck! We are going to the school and getting to the bottom of this!”

We jumped in the car and went to the school. We sat down with the stand-in Dean of Students when the police officer comes in. She let us read the note. I skimmed the note. I was so distraught that I didn’t even take the time to read it. I thought I’d be able to keep it. She ended up taking, later on, to keep for her records.  Mike read it. Maybe he read it a little closer than I did. We discussed that Nick had been bullied pretty bad by three particular boys and that everyone Nick mentioned in the room to the police officer about bullying was being investigated. It had been discussed that one particular boy who Nick’s had problems with since the beginning of last year will NOT be in ANY of his classes next year… Yea, we’ll see. I explained that Nick likes to bring up old problems. The one particular boy choked Nick last year and Nick is known to be like, “What?! You gonna choke me again!? Huh!?” and instigate it. I told them that he wasn’t entirely innocent in the whole situation with the bullies but that I appreciated the ongoing investigation that was going on for the new arising cases. We found out that these boys told Nick that his girlfriend (Yea, Nick has a gf. She’s an online gf. But he still feels as though she’s as real to him as though she was sitting next to him.) was a whore and a slut. They apparently were calling Nick fat *again*.

The crisis team person came in and explained that there was no plan it was simply a thought. A simple “Hey. I kinda want to kill myself.” “Oh, that’s not something I should be thinking about. That’s no good. I should tell an adult I trust.” There was no plan. No execution or intention. He had no plan to how he would do it when he would do it, where he’d do it, or what he’d use to do it. Because of that one thing, no plan, it came from being a massive crisis to a “He did the right thing and told an adult he trusted for a thought he had when he was in crisis and needed someone to talk to.” I explained there are better ways to get someone to talk to you… they agreed.

Thursday he went back to school until noon when I made him an emergency therapy appointment. We discussed what happened and how Nick felt. I talked a lot of it explaining what all happened. The therapist thought it would be best if it was just him and Nick for most of the session next time and then I’d be brought in to discuss what they talked about. Whatever, he dozed off while I was talking which pissed me off and I’m there for Nick not to talk about my issues so I guess that’s for best. Nick needs someone to open up to.

Friday was spent on the phone with the doctor who spoke to the psychiatrist in discussion regarding Nick’s antidepressant and anxiety meds. We agreed to increase his medication to a 100mg dose. So now he’s on a higher dose of Zoloft. I don’t know if it’s doing anything at all. Maybe it is, and that’s why this was only a thought and not an action. *shrugs* I just don’t know.

This weekend we went up north for four hours to Mike’s grandparents. It was a nice, reset weekend. I was fine. I was in a great mood. I forgot all about the triggering emotions that I had.

Monday I went to work and I was fine. I was cheerful and happy with the callers, including the unpleasant ones. I messaged my boss to talk to her. She said if it was urgent to come talk to her otherwise I’d come talk to her later on because we were slammed at the current time. I said that was fine, I would talk to her later. After lunch and almost to my break I asked her again if I could come talk. I ended up getting a call and then went and talked. I talked to for about an hour. I explained EVERYTHING that happened. I explained I have Bipolar I Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and OCD and Nick have Anxiety Disorder and OCD also, we’re monitoring him for Bipolar Disorder. I told her about what we did for him during the week and why I had to call in those two days. I told her I was trying so hard to be hired on and do my best to be at work and listen to them.

She reassured me that there was a LONG list of things I’d have to do before even being considered of being kicked off the possible hired on core CCR list. She said the occurrences that I’ve accumulated were nothing and we have taken all this into consideration. She told me I didn’t have much to worry about and if it was her choice she’d hire me on the spot. She told me anytime I needed some reassurance I could come in and talk to her and she’d give me any feedback or anything that needed to be talked about otherwise she’d praise me when I needed to hear it. She was so incredibly understanding and I wanted to cry. She said she’d work with trying to get me to VTO but I explained Nick was home alone for the first time since this whole thing happened and I was worried about him. She couldn’t get me VTO so I took the another half occurrence and went home to be with him. I felt guilty but in another sense, I didn’t feel so guilty for coming home to be with him.

Today I spent about two hours writing out a list of 36 items of reasons why I love Nick, why I think he’s an awesome kid, and things we can work on together to better improve himself and myself.

I’m trying to cope with everything but struggling really hard with everything. I just keep bursting into tears every time I think about anything. Nick is acting like nothing happened and everything is all better and all fixed.

I need ways to cope. I need ME time that’s actually relaxing and not the boys fighting so I have to come out of my zone every five minutes. I was suggested by a friend to go to a coffee shop, plug in some headphones, grab a coffee, and just color. I have suggested that many times to Mike that I’m going to do it but the timing is never right or for whatever reason, it just never happens. I never follow through with my plans. It’s the same reason I have no friends. I always say I’m going to go do ___ and ___ but I don’t ever follow through with plans with people. I need to learn to cope. I need to learn to take care of myself. I need to learn to trust Nick with responsibility. I need to reassure myself that it’s ok to not have all the answers.

I’m over it. I’m going to end this here.

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written on May 16, 2017 at 1:19 pm with 1 Comment
Filed under: Anxiety, Life with Bipolar, Parenting, Struggles