I am super nervous about Monday. I can physically feel it in my body. My mind isn’t racing. In fact, it’s quite clear. I am not going through any thoughts again and again. Occasionally, I’ll have a thought pop in, what time should I leave here to be in the back parking lot in time. How much time will I need to walk to the building? Knowing me, I’ll be early. Those occasional thoughts pop into my head and leave just as quick as they pop in. My mind isn’t racing with a thousand thoughts of worries. Is this what normal people feel when they’re nervous about something? I am not freaking out. I’m not sitting on the phone calling every single person I know who will talk to me to calm me down. I haven’t gone over it with Mike. I went over to Lynn simply to ask, “is this how normal people feel?” I haven’t experienced nerves this calmly in a long, long time. I usually get so worked up that I cannot breathe, I cannot speak, I am calling every single person to talk me through it. What about this scenario? What about this happening? What if this happens? HELP ME!

No, not this time. I am nervous. There is no doubt about that. I have written a list of what needs to be done tomorrow to help prepare me for Monday morning. I got out my big purse, which I intend to carry around everything I need for the first few days until we get our desks and I can store my stuff while I’m there. I simply do not know what the first day is going to be like, so I’m going to be prepared with a very large messenger bag. In that messenger bag, I am going to have a water bottle, a lunch cube with my entire lunch that does not need to be chilled or warmed, and then a notebook and pen. I am not bringing my small purse, a lunch bag, a notebook, and pen all separately because of 1. I do not want to be carrying that around all day long. 2. I do not know when we will be getting desks and our lockers to put things away. So, in typical Nikki fashion, I am coming prepared with everything inside of a messenger bag, ready at my fingertips, for any situation.

It might be a little obsessive compulsive to go to such great lengths to think about something so thoroughly like that. Obviously, I was nervous when thinking about which bag I wanted to bring. I thought about it. I analyzed it. Is that anxiety? Or is that simply me being thorough and being well-prepared? That’s where I am still adjusting to not having such debilitating anxiety. I forgot what it’s like to do things ‘normally’. The fact that I decided, ok, big purse to carry everything because you don’t know when you will get a desk and locker, was not a decision that was rationalized over hours. It was a thought in my head… hey, probably should take the big purse, you don’t know when you’ll get your desk. End. That was it.

A few months ago, it would be, two weeks prior, I’d get the big purse out, I would have the notebook and two, if not three pens, just in case, in there. I would have my lunch cube sitting on the counter, next to it would be my water bottle. I would have been using that big purse for weeks just to make sure I didn’t forget to use it on the first day of work. I would think to myself, over and over, day after day, the big purse should be OK? Right? I mean, I will be able to carry everything. If I don’t have a lunch that needs to be chilled, I won’t need my lunch box. I can just put the cube in the purse. Will that be ok? Why did he say “pack a lunch”? Are we going to eat through our lunch hour? We’re getting there at 8:40 am. Are we going to be paid extra for those 20 minutes? I would have reread that email he sent two weeks ago at least 30,000 times by now. I would have my route mapped out of exactly which roads I would take to get there. I would tell myself, “You gotta turn on that one road and go to the grocery store and park back there because there is no reason to fight the other established employees for their spots.”

Hmm, yes… a few months ago, I would not be doing what I’m doing right now. I’m writing about it because all these thoughts have crossed my head. But there is a HUGE difference between then and now. I am not letting it destroy me. All the thoughts I wrote above, I thought. That was it. It was a thought. Not an obsession.

I have made some excellent progress. Maybe, this is exactly who I was 9 years ago before Mikhail was born. Maybe that version of me is exactly why I excelled at DHL so well. That’s why I got a promotion before even being hired on as a permanent employee. Who knows, maybe that version of me is back.

I’m excited. I cannot wait to see what comes of this. I’m optimistic. I am also reserved. I know that in three months on April 27th, it could end. Just like that. I have two options if that happens. I have a plan with two different roads to go down IF that happens. I am prepared.

I’ve always been a very well-prepared person. It is one of my great qualities.

I am ready to see what this new road will take me down. I am nervous as hell. But I know I will do my absolute best to be the best version of me that I can be. I am going to try hard not to be cocky and confident that I know everything.

Ha. Every time I say that it makes me laugh. Me? Confident and cocky. The most self-conscious person there is. I went into DHL cocky this last time. Within four weeks, I had a permanent employee make me cry because she was like “oh? You think you know what you’re doing? Well, guess what! I don’t think so.” I mean, granted, I found out later from at least four or five permanent employees that everything she told me was wrong and she was just jealous and I didn’t do anything wrong and that I was doing excellent but still.

By the way, I know THIS is going to sound cocky. I am SO damn sick of people saying I’m perfect.

“Oh, Perfect Nikki and her Perfect Life.”

“Oh. Perfect Nikki and her perfect job. Always makes her bosses super happy because she’s the perfect employee.”

I would go on but it makes me sick. And these things are said to me!

I also get a lot of “oh they’re just jealous of you”. Of what?!

What could people possibly be jealous of ME for?

I am who I am. I do my absolute best in every situation given to me. I excel at things I try hard to accomplish. Yes, I am a perfectionist but that makes me far from perfect. I have to work just as hard as anyone else. Things don’t just happen to me and *poof* they’re perfect. No, I bust my fucking ass off to make them that way.

Smh. Sorry. It just irritates me.

written on February 3, 2018 at 8:53 pm with 1 Comment
Filed under: Work