Things are slowly turning around in the mental health aspect of my life… I’ve been busting my butt to get everything situated with it. I recently was able to get a new pdoc (psychiatrist) and a new therapist. A few weeks ago I see the therapist for the first time. He’s an older man probably in his 50s . He seems alright so far.

The first two appointments were fairly alright. The first one was amazing. I thought this guy can really help me. He can do a lot for me. He had a lot to offer. I informed him that I was in the process of getting disability applications going. Well, I don’t know if this rubbed this guy the wrong way but during my second appointment he made a comment about how when I see my new pdoc I shouldn’t mention the fact I’m applying for disability because doctors don’t like to be made felt like they’re only being used as someone whose gonna write for their disability application. This really rubbed me the wrong way. In fact, I felt highly offended. I explained to him that it wasn’t my intentions to use them only for disability. I also told him that if he didn’t want to write anything back to disability he didn’t have to. I wanted help for everything, not just because disability. I wanted to only inform him in case they called. That way, when they called he didn’t go “uhm. I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Ya know? Ugh. It really offended me. I plan on going there next week and telling him as soon as we sat down how it made me feel. I plan on telling him that I have no intentions only using him for disability and that I’m here for help only.

With all that being said; I also seen my new pdoc yesterday. We sat down and he explained that he was going to ask a long series of questions. I nodded my head and he began. Every time he asked me something I would respond then try to explain. “No no, I’ll ask that in a moment. Let’s stay focused.”

It was actually nice to have someone tell me what they want/need from me. We didn’t use any time on wasted information. He finished up with his questions after about 20 minutes and said, “Well, your diagnosis is Bipolar I Disorder. You will be given Lithium (300MG x3 daily) and Seroquel (50MG x1 Daily). He told me that I should get the book “Survival Guide for Bipolar or Bipolar for Dummies” and I informed him I had it. He told me to read the entire section on Lithium. I’ll be returning next week to get my blood levels checked to ensure my kidneys can handle it. Also said that the Seroquel will help with my rage and aggression and will calm me down from that.

I’m really hopeful with this latest mixture of medications. He wanted to start me on Depakote but I told him I had an extremely bad experience on it. I was probably on a bad dosage of it but yea.  He said that he’s going to let me try out Lithium and if it doesn’t work he wants me to give Depakote one more try. He said that I was in really bad shape and that he needs to get me stable. That’s the biggest priority for him and myself – get me somewhat stable. I’m really in bad shape lately. My mixed episodes, rapid cycling, and severe depression is just bad, bad news.

I really do have high hopes for this doctor. It seems to me like he’s got his shit figured out and he knows what he’s talking about. It’s about a 35 minute drive for me to his office and that is a bit of a pain in the ass but honestly, its the least I have to deal with. I finally have a good doctor. That’s all that matters.

I’m sorry I haven’t had the opportunity to write much here. I really have to figure out this whole two blog situation. I’m not quite sure what to do at this point. I have no problem running two but I know in the end only one will survive. Do I just say fuck it. Write in my other blog all the good and happy things leaving this blog for my rants and raves? That’s my intentions. All in all, Eternal Amour is what’s going to be left standing… what’s on this site is the question. If I make this blog and site open to the public for friends and family to see (which is what I’m doing my other one) then I’m going to have to delete pretty much everything I’ve ever written in the past. I’m going to have to sugarcoat A LOT. No one can handle the real stuff when it comes to bipolar disorder, or my thoughts and feelings. Unless it’s got a fake smile and a chipper attitude, then that’s all that matters. No one wants to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly… They just want to hear the good…

Another reason as to why I don’t want the general public (my close friends and family members) reading everything I’m writing is because people feel they’re suddenly entitled to give their opinions in my situation. “If you don’t want to hear what people have to say, then don’t post it publicly.” I post it publicily because someday, somewhere, I will help someone out. I’ll have someone whose going to come by and read what I write and say, “I can really relate to you. Thank you so much for being so public, open, and honest. It’s so great to hear someone out there feels the same way I do. It makes me feel so much better to know I’m not alone.” But then, you got your fucking cousin or aunt or whoever telling you, “Nikki. You really lead a negative life. You need to smile and think about what a true blessing you are and how much you truly have.” Honestly, when people tell me that shit I just want to bitch slap them and tell them to shut the fuck up already.

I know I am blessed. I know that I have a pretty easy and nice life. I know I have two beautiful and healthy children. I know I have a man who loves me dearly. I know what I have… but I also know what I don’t. I don’t focus only on the good and what I do have because then I’ll never STRIVE or push myself towards the things I don’t have… Ya know? Anyways, I’m rambling. I thought I’d post the blog to tell you all what’s be going on…

Now onward to write in my other blog which will include recipes, and “mommy tips” …. Honestly I have a feeling that will become my “mommy blog”. You know the, ones I always bash. Eh, we’ll see what happens. My intentions are to use the site for the “good side” of me. This one is the truth, honesty, and bare-all me. Guess I have to put a fake smile on my face for some people just to keep my own sanity, ya know?

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