This was an incredibly rough week.
I spiked a mania high. Tis the season. It’s getting warm outside. The sun is out later. Mania comes with the season of spring and summer. It was only natural that I would start climbing higher and higher.
Monday was rough. I went to work and had full intentions of staying the entire week this week. Absolutely NO VTO! Pfft. Ha! Little did I know my week would decline as I climbed higher in my state of mind. I woke up on Monday morning feeling like it was Thursday. I was nauseated. I puked a few times, ya know, typical Thursday morning behavior.*
* I usually throw up and get extremely anxious on Thursdays. I have no idea why. I think it stemmed from when I worked at OMX and I would have off on Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday was the day that I’d go back to work and in my head, I always thought I’d go back to work into something that was unknown or bad. This would spike my anxiety through the roof and I’d end up puking all morning long Thursday morning.
Monday might be my new Thursday. I know for a fact it is going to be busy on Mondays. It’s going to be crazy. I’m going to be anxious on Monday mornings because of this. Just have to take a Klonopin in the morning and hope for the best.
Well, I survived my entire shift on Monday. Wednesday wasn’t as lucky.
Wednesday I started noticing that I was messing up a lot more. I couldn’t repeat names or roads back properly. When I type something into the computer, I have to spell back almost EVERYTHING that I put in. Phone numbers, spellings of names, road names, municipalities, names of organizations or businesses, etc. For whatever reason, my brain was reading the word/number/etc. one way – the correct way – and my mouth was saying something different. I don’t know where my mouth was coming up with some of the stuff that came out. Each and every call I took, I screwed up more and more, which grew to me being increasingly more frustrated than the last. I finally put in for VTO after lunch and they finally let me go home at 3 pm, an hour before my shift ended.
Thursday came. Typical Thursday. I threw up a bunch. I finally settled down enough to get my Klonopin in me and headed to work. I told myself today was going to be different. I was going to take my time and spell back everything correctly. I was going to type slower and speak slower so people could make out the words that were coming out. I wasn’t going to mess up. First few calls went alright, then I screwed up. One notch on the self-esteem totem pole. Then another call I screwed up, two more notches, then another, and another. I wanted to cry by the time I was about an hour into my shift.
OMFG, I forgot to tell you all. Wednesday night, Mike smashed up the Firebird. The car he worked INCREDIBLY hard on ALL summer long last year. He finally got it on the road for about three weeks before having to put it back into storage. He brought it out of storage about a week or so ago and decided to drive it to work on Wednesday. He drove it to and from work – not the shortest drive – and then around the neighborhood after playing around with the exhaust. He went to go park it for the night, he tapped the gas to back it into his spot. He had the door opened so he could make sure he was centered on the spot. It shot back and the door flew opened. He went to hit the brakes and the pedal went to the floor. The brakes were out! The door hit the camper that was next to his spot and the basketball hoop and bent the door all the way back that it was parallel with the front fender. He messed up the inside of the door too. I watched it happen. Suddenly it went back, then the camper was sideways, then I see the Firebird shoot forward and stop abruptly and I hear the loudest, “FUCK!” He came inside the outdoor door and then into the next door side and said “Call the insurance company!” and went back outside. I didn’t grab slippers or a jacket, I went outside and asked what the hell happened. Mike, being Mike, was livid. He explained how the brakes cut out when he went to park the car and the door hit the camper. My first thought was, those brakes could have gone at ANY point today. While he was driving or while he was going to work. I started crying because I was so scared of the what-ifs. I finally grabbed him and said I knew he was pissed but he was safe and that was all that mattered. He managed to get the door bent back into place but it wasn’t aligned right so he had to duct tape the window and seams so no water got inside. He was furious. Understandably so, I mean, he had every right to be. I knew what that car meant to him. That was his outlet. That was what he could hammer on all summer long. That was how he was going to bond with Mikhail and maybe even Nick by taking the car out for rides and car shows.
So, yea, Thursday I was a little on edge. I was upset. Clearly, because I wasn’t sure how to react to what happened, or how to act towards Mike who was still processing what happened. I ended up going and talking to Erika, my team leader, about what happened and explained I was severely distracted and asked if I could be put on webs for the rest of the day. They ended up VTOing me at lunch time so I was free and clear to go home and be alone with my thoughts.
I tried taking off the entire day on Friday but they could only approve a half day. I went in for my half day and came home at lunch time. The boys had off school Friday and will have off on Monday too. I took off Friday way before the whole car thing happened so it wasn’t like I was trying to get out of work because of that.
I did end up losing $100 towards VTO and unpaid time off this week. Fuck my life.
I spent all day today just vegging out and trying to bring myself down to relax. I’m trying to get rid of this manic spike that I have right now. I’m in a weird phase of mania though. I’m manic but not textbook manic. Like, my mind is racing and I cannot say things properly at work and I’m having a difficult time functioning. I’m not the productive manic where I’m getting a ton done. I’m rather lazy, actually. I do have the agitation. I’m quite agitated. Everything is setting me off quite quickly.
I’m trying to bring myself down.
I’m anxious right now. The boys are restless. I have to be the Easter Bunny yet and stuff eggs with peanut butter M&M’s, plus fill baskets and hide them somewhere in this house. I’m going to end this here. I didn’t even want to write this but figured I’d document my new mania. I call my pdoc on Tuesday to ask for an increase of my Lithium. We’ll see how next week goes. Wish me luck.