Painful flashback
I’ve been reading a lot. Mike bought me a new kindle and my nose has been in my “book” for the past three weeks. Its soothing and calming to me. I was laying here reading when I decided to go out for a couple of drags of a cigarette. The weather was warmer earlier in the day; the temperature reached over 60°f. The warmth has die down. The night is calm. There is a cool breeze coming off Lake Michigan. The feeling in the air, the cool, crispness of the wind brought back painful memories.
When I was dating Nick’s father, in the beginning it was romantic. He would take me downtown to the marina so we could sit on the giant boulders in the warm summer nights. The cool breeze coming off the lake would send shivers down my spine. The crashing waves spraying us with a light shower of water. He would hold me there and everything seemed so right. That was before he changed. Before something dark happened in his heart. I found out I was pregnant with the child he begged me to have. I became ill. He didn’t take care of me. I’d eat merely one time a day and that was only after I’d beg him to go get food since his Mother didn’t keep any in the house. He became cold and distant. He wanted nothing to do with me.
One cold, winter night, he wanted to hang out with his friend. He demanded I come along even though I was throwing up constantly from the sickness I received due to the pregnancy. Without having a choice I went along with him. We had an old station wagon that he got for free as a means of transportation. The car was a piece of shit. There were rust holes all the way through the doors. Him and his friend had taken cans of neon spray paint to put their names on the car. For fun he’d put empty soda bottles out the rust holes. It was disastrous. The worse problem of all about this death machine was the exhaust system. The exhaust broke on the car when he purposely hit a ridiculously large bump in the road. It cracked the pipes. The exhaust having no where to go would leak in to the inside of the car. It was so bad when you left the car it had smelled like you got out and rolled around in a gallon of gasoline. Your clothes wreaked. Our assumptions to make things better were to drive with the windows wide opened so we can get fresh air in the car and not die from the toxic fumes.
When we picked up his friend, there was a rule I must follow. You must go in the back seat. My friend (I’m trying not to use names) must sit in the front by me. I sat in the back. We drove around for hours aimlessly. I began getting sicker and sicker. The fumes in the back of the car was worse. I only had a light sweatshirt on and I was absolutely freezing from all the air pouring in from their windows. I decided to lay down in the backseat and see if I could get some sleep. It was almost 3am and I was dead tired, pregnant, and deathly ill.
I must have passed out for a while because next thing I knew I hit the ceiling of the car and fell down behind the front drivers seat on the floor. Matt and his friend were laughing so hard and pulled the car to a stop. He purposely ran the car in to a ditch because he made a bet. There was a guardian angel that day. There was a truck that came out of no where. We were in the middle of no where. And here comes this truck. He pulls up, gets out of the car, attaches a tow strap to his truck and pulls us out. He doesn’t say anything to us. Never shows his face. And drives off.
This was only one of the times I spent in the backseat of this ‘death machine’. I probably spent 3-4 nights a week in the backseat of this fumigated piece of shit on wheels going around aimlessly with him and his friends. So many painful memories. So much pain and hurt and regret and resentment comes up when I think of how poorly I was treated when I was pregnant with the baby he begged me to have but I didn’t want.
And now … NOW! Whose the one caring for this child? Whose the one there every single day for this child when things go bad? Who cheers him on when he’s doing good? Who deals with him when his ADD and ADHD is out of control? Who holds him when he calls his father on the phone and he doesn’t get a response and he cries and cries? YOU WANTED HIM!!! NOW HE’S HERE! GOD DAMMIT! BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR WISHES!
