Heh. Not really.

It’s the second day of 2018. Still keeping up with your resolutions or did you give up already?

This entry is going to be a hodgepodge. I have no real purpose to write other than I’m bored, cold, and waiting for a load to finish so I can remake Nick’s bed.

First of the month

Yesterday was pretty standard. I am STILL sick.  Everything I eat either goes right through me or comes right back up. I am pretty sure I have some form of the flu but I’m not positive nor is it terrible. It’s just annoying at this point. I cannot eat without feeling like death has come over me. My stomach isn’t happy no matter what I do. I would, at any other time, assume that this was Lithium toxicity but I know I’m on the lowest dose of Lithium to be therapeutic. So, definitely not that. My nose is also draining which is just sitting on my stomach that’s not making anything better. Needless to say, I’ve been pretty miserable. I’ve been sick since the 26th of December. Day eight of this bull shit can kiss my ass. Oh well, I’m trucking along.

We were able to get the plastic up on the windows. All but two are done. Mike did the big, drafty windows on the west in our room and in the living room. We managed to get Mikhail to pick up most of his toys in the living room and take them up to his bedroom. His bedroom is trashed but partially because I haven’t gotten up there to put away any of his Christmas clothes and/or the blankets from their sleepover. Yes, he’s old enough to do that himself but I want it done right so I’ll do it myself. We spent the rest of the night just hanging out and watching TV.

This also meant I could think about stuff finally…

I was told I wasn’t allowed to think, worry, struggle, fret about anything job, marriage, financial, or insurance wise until the first of the year. Well, yesterday was the first of the year and my mind was so scattered brained that I couldn’t pinpoint anything to be like, “OK! We’re talking about ____.” Instead, I just dwelled in my own little world and hemmed and hawed about all the nonsense going on up there that I made myself sick with worry unable to just spit out what I wanted to say or discuss.

Mike joked saying, “that’s what you get for bringing it up yesterday.” Which I did. I expressed to him that I wasn’t confident on marriage and that if we get married and this three-month contract doesn’t work out, we’ll be stuck figuring out how to pay for $500 a month in groceries out of his paychecks and my unemployment. If I don’t get married to him, then I’ll have to go three months without any mental health insurance and my psychiatrist will just have to wait an extra few months. I will have to get my prescriptions through CVS from what refills I do have, which isn’t a lot.

Then, after the three-month contract, I will either be hired on through Associated or not. Three months isn’t a long time to wait to figure it out. However, I am not 100% positive it’s only three months. You see, I was told several times it could be three-five months. I found a job listing online and that listing said – three months. So, what do I do? I just tried calling the financial advisor for Community Care through my psychiatrist’s office. Supposedly they will pay for your visits and medications, which would be great! I don’t know what entails signing up or getting that taken care of though. I obviously cannot miss a bunch of work trying to get this all taken care of for three months out of my life. I could do the math and figure out how many refills I’ll have. I see the pdoc the last week of Jan. and I will ask him for more refills. I am unsure if he’ll give them to me but that would be three months time before I see him again, so technically I wouldn’t have to worry about a visit being covered by them. I would be apart of Associated, I would have probably a months time before I could enroll in Associated’s insurance, then I should, in theory, have mental health coverage again. That is unless Associate doesn’t have it either. Which by then, I would have plenty of time to figure out whether or not I want to stick with this company, or go elsewhere and/or be married.

Of course, I want to be married. I have wanted to marry Mike more than anything in the world. I just don’t want to put us in financial ruins because suddenly I am without a job, and without food benefits due to our marital status, and then have the burden be on him to take care of us for food plus all his bills and my bills on top of it.

Ugh, just thinking about all this makes my stomach weak. Those are my options. I have to live with one choice or the other. Or, I could go in, Feb. is a bye month and I cannot have insurance anywhere no matter what so I’ll have to be extra careful. The boys will be covered by the state so that’s no worries. I will have March 1st – 31st to decide if I’m signing up for work’s insurance. If I sign up, it will have to be immediate because they backdate your insurance payments to the first of the month and I’ll be damned if I choose on the 27th that I’m signing up and they take $84 x 3 out of my paychecks.

Ok. No more talking about this. I don’t feel so good thinking about it. Eventually, Mike and I have to sit down and I have to put in words everything I said above.

Today has been a slightly more productive, feel-good day

I feel a little better today. Aside from just getting myself nauseated over the thought of insurance, marriage, and finances. Today, I got the boys up and ready and out of bed. Mikhail was resistant, Nick was tired, and I was exhausted too. We all trudged our way down the stairs. I didn’t even get coffee in me. Mike called downstairs to start his coffee. I made him his when I came in the living room to find Mikhail doing a math worksheet that he had ALL CHRISTMAS BREAK to do. We had to be at the orthodontist in less than 35 minutes. Nick went to the bus stop and I’m yelling, “Let’s go! Get your bookbag, get your coat! Where is your hat?! It’s -6° outside!” “No, it’s not!” “Yes, it is! Grab your homework, you can do it in the car. Let’s move!” I got him in the car and cleaned off all the frost while it warmed up. We got to the orthodontist office within 10 minutes. He finished up his homework and was the last problem when we went inside. He did the last problem while sitting in the waiting room. We got called back. His doctor said, “keep turning his key. He’s doing a great job. These teeth will come forward and out before settling back in. Keep turning the key for another 2 weeks – 14 days, and then stop until we see you again. Keep turning the bottom key, that one will take much longer to catch up to the top but we need the top straight as soon as possible.” She sent us on our way. I drove towards school. Ugh, the drop-off line. How bad was it going to be? No. I’m not going to dwell on it. *Reset* It will be fine. I drove up, waited approximately two minutes, got to the front door. He exited the car. I was on my merry way to the grocery store. Phew. Did it.

I went grocery shopping. I spent approximately $65 on a week’s worth of groceries. I got fruit, ice cream, a few dinner meals, a few breakfast meals, two gallons of milk. I skipped the $0.31 blueberry pies because I didn’t need them *Score 1 for me!* I got all the stuff to make the boys a few batches of the homemade macaroni and cheese I found for the Instant Pot. That was three meals right there. I scored a whole, cut up chicken for $7. A little more than I’d typically pay for a regular whole chicken but this one is cut up and missing the backbone, so less work for me, and also it’s an easy Instant Pot meal.

So, once I was home, I tried to prioritize my time by doing stuff in a specific order that was going to give me the most of my time. I put the groceries away, ran upstairs and stripped Nick’s bed, and took that stuff downstairs to be thrown in the washer asap. While that was washing, I grabbed dinner out of the freezer, I went upstairs and did the load of dishes that were in the sink so I could thaw dinner, I cleaned up the rest of the kitchen while I was at it. While dinner was thawing, I cleaned up the living room, then sat down and took a drink of my earlier brewed coffee. It was in a YETI-type cup so I was hopeful. Still somewhat warm, good enough for me. I drank the rest and then switched my laundry. I sat with a blanket on my lap and decided to eat something. It made my stomach churn but that eventually went away. My dryer just buzzed. Nick’s sheets, blankets, throws, and pillowcases are done. Now, I have to go upstairs and make his bed, clean up his bedroom, and clean up Mikhail’s bedroom. All in a day’s work.

I’d rather sit here and enjoy the peace and quiet after a successful winter break but I know there are things that need to be done and no one is going to do them unless I get off my rear end and do them. A mother’s work is never done. Maybe getting up and moving around will help me feel better. Although I doubt that, because the past week, every time I’ve gotten up to do something I have felt weak and exhausted and sick afterward.

Ok, enough procrastinating.

written on January 2, 2018 at 2:09 pm with 2 Comments
Filed under: Home/Cooking, Struggles