So, Mike and I finally sat down and discussed some things. We did it two days ago. Once again, I’ve been sick, this time with a stomach bug that won’t let up. I’ve eaten maybe the food equivalent to the amount of a toddler’s meal in the past four days. I told Mike I feel like I’m becoming bulimic because as soon as I get nauseated I go throw up, and typically it’s not because I’m shoving my finger down my throat to do so but because I’m purging to make the icky go away. It’s 90% stomach bug, 10% nerves because I’ve been a nervous wreck the past few days.


Mike and I sat down and discussed very little but we did cover some very important ground. He asked me things like, “Do you think this job would financially even be worth it with paying for insurance?” I told him that not only would I have extra money at the end of the month, but everything I budgeted would be covered, plus I would have an extra $300 stashed away for sinking funds*

*sinking funds are basically mini savings accounts that you save for throughout the year for things you know you have to pay for eventually. For instance, I have one for camp because that’s $450 I have to pay each summer, this just breaks it down into smaller payments out of each check to go towards the sinking funds. I have another for a new car because someday I’m going to have to buy a new car and I’d like to be prepared. I have one for Christmas. You get the idea.

I would also be able to cover every single one of my debts, plus have extra money to put towards the smallest snowball. >> See Dave Ramsey – search for him on Pinterest or on Instagram. You’ll learn lots about the sinking funds and debt snowball relief.

Once determining that, yes, it would be worth the pay and extra money working this job and all my money would not ONLY go to insurance and bills, and that I will have money to do whatever I please with at the end of the money should I decide to not throw every cent towards debt, he said “Ok. Do it then.” So there, we determined that yes, I will take this job.

He also asked me if wanted to go back to DHL. I told him I would. He asked why. I said, “Familiarity and comfort.” He said, “that’s the only reason?” I said, “Pretty much.” And we determined that wasn’t enough of a reason to go back to Digger’s simply because I was familiar with it and comfortable with it. He told me that I should work this three to five months, whatever it may be, and just try to go for it. If it ends up being something more permanent that I really like, then great, at least I tried it out and did it.


We both decided now is not the time to get married.

Should we be wed during this very unknown three month trial with this being a possible temporary job, we didn’t know what we would fall back on should this job end up not being permanent. I would be unemployed, with no benefits to cover our expenses of food. We would probably have to factor in his income with unemployment and I wouldn’t get as much had I not been wed. We both decided, mutually, not to go for it at this time.

He said, “If in three to five months, this job works out and say you do get hired on to Associated. You’re established there and you know everything will work out and things are fine. We will revisit the situation. We will see your cost of insurance compared to my cost for insurance and do the numbers and figure it out there.”

I was completely and utterly OK with this.

I want a backup plan. If this big, scary, trial that we’re doing doesn’t work because let’s face it, all this job is a big trial run and a big leap of fate. As of today, according to the job description, the project is three months along with the possibility to have a more permanent position.

Because let’s be honest…

I’m doing something I NEVER do. I’m taking a leap of faith. I’m risking my whole future on a chance.

Why? Because I’ve never done anything like this before. I want something on my resume other than DHL 2007-2008, DHL 2011-2011, DHL 2017-2017.

I have no idea what the outcome is going to be of this leap of faith. I could go and hate it. I could go and it could be a complete clusterfuck because it’s all brand new and just starting from the ground up. I could go and it could be well throughout and put together and end up enjoying the work. Because let’s face it, what I liked about DHL, I’ll be doing the exact same thing here, the only difference is that I won’t be mapping and instead of dealing with crabby, entitled contractors, I’ll be working with customers who don’t know what they’re doing on a website or app. My background in web design and plenty of experience with app usage should give me a good advantage to figuring out how to help these customers. I’ll be on the phone. I won’t be face-to-face. No fake smiles here. I will have a big fancy cherry wood “L” shaped desk, with my own personal filing cabinet and locker with key. I will have a brand new keyboard, mouse, dual-monitors, and very comfortable chair. The supervisors are starting sometime in January, I assume on Monday, to learn the ropes of the job so when us 40 employees come in February, they will know what to teach us and how to get this going right away.

I’d like to think that this temp agency isn’t stupid and has a good enough head on their shoulders to get a project and get it done. It’s not going to be a complete clusterfuck. I will go to work, full time, which I found out some people don’t think I’m capable, and I’ll do my job as well as I can. I will work hard. If in three months they say, “OK, the project is done and you didn’t make the cut.” I have an option. It will be May. DHL could still be hiring. I could throw my application at them and see if hey, maybe I could back there. They like me there, maybe they’ll make an exception. If not, then I’ll collect unemployment and food share, and insurance, through the state for a few more months until I can get a new job. Maybe I’ll take off the summer and spend time with the boys. *shrugs*

To be really honest…

I’m not that worried about it. I mean, yes, I’ve been freaking out about talking to Mike about the whole marriage thing, insurance thing, etc. Now that I know, we’re not jumping into getting married, just yet, and fine, whatever, I’ll be paying up the ass in insurance for myself for a few months and only a few months, I am a lot calmer about the situation.

I have a few random thoughts come into my head like:

  • where are the bathrooms? Will I seriously have to take the elevator or stairs upstairs to go to the bathroom? I go to the bathroom like every hour, that will take an extra five minutes. Not very efficient. Is there bathrooms downstairs in the basement? I didn’t see any down there. I hope this isn’t problematic.
  • where will I eat my l lunch? Will they have us just eat our lunch at our desks because I didn’t see a break room? You literally exit the elevator and walk into a little corridor and there are three doors. I’m pretty sure the doors to the right are the stairs. That leaves two more doors. One door is the call center. Just a circle of desks wrapped around a room. There were no doors exiting into another room – no lunch room – from the call center. That leaves the final door. What’s in the final door? Could that be made into a break room? Will we have to go upstairs into the bank’s break room and converse with the bank’s employees? We’re kinda the aliens of the establishment. Sure there are 40 of us. Honestly, out of 40 people, how many people are going to eat their HOUR lunch there? No one but me. I will be too nervous to go anywhere and come back late. That always freaks me out. I didn’t even like doing that at DHL, I packed a lunch every single day. I don’t want to waste money by going somewhere. Pick ‘N Save, Chipotle, and Noodles & Co. is right there. I literally could walk to each of them every day. That’s extra money I’d have to spend to go to those places though. I don’t want to spend extra money if I don’t have. Mike and George said, “You could just come home for lunch.” Which is true. I could. I could leave for lunch, drive the five-six minutes home, make something for lunch whether it’s a sandwich or leftovers or something, eat it, then if I’m really anxious to leave home early and make it back to work early with plenty of time. This option will give me a LOT of anxiety. Leaving work during lunch. What if something happens where I cannot make it back to work in time? What if I’m late? That’s unacceptable. I live six minutes away from work. Even if I gave myself 10 minutes with traffic that leaves forty minutes to eat. I don’t know, this is something that i’m going to have to think about possibly doing depending on what the lunch situation is at work. If there is no break room and I simply have to eat at my desk, I’m OK with that. I’ll pack a lunch every single day and sit at my desk and eat it for an hour. No biggy. Maybe I’ll eat for 30 minutes and take a walk for 30 minutes? OK, this is all stuff I’ll figure out on the first day of work. Put it aside and stop worrying about it now.
  • I figured out roughly what my paychecks will be every single week with insurance being taken out. While it is significantly lower than my gross pay, it will do. It is still more than I was making at DHL so that’s a plus. Ok, it’s only like $50 more a paycheck, but I’m paid weekly not bi-weekly so technically $100 more a check than DHL. So, that’s definitely a plus.
  • February food budget. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!? I have to report my changes to the state by the 10th of the month. I more than likely will report them on the 3rd or 4th of Feb, the weekend before starting my new job. They are going to want my first month’s paystubs. If they accept only my first pay stub, that won’t be available until the 16th of the week. So, no changes should go into effect until the 16th. However, I get food budget reset on the 12th. So, will I get February’s food budget money on the 12th, or are they going to be like, “No, you’re not getting February because you’re going to be making too much.” Even though I will not get two paychecks and only get two in February. Therefore, how the hell am I going to come up with $350 in food budget money for the first few weeks of February if they don’t give me February’s budget? They won’t be able to make changes until the 16th when I give them my pay stub. February’s budget will already be in the system to be given to me on the 12th. Will I get it on the 12th or are they gonna say “you put in your changes on the 3rd, something is changing, we just don’t know what yet, we’re not giving you your 12th budget.” I’m not going to find this out until the 12th when either A.) My food budget resets and I get $350 for food. B.) I don’t.

That’s just some of the worries going through my head right now. Stuff that cannot be figured out until much later.

We’re headed to Costco for our monthly stock-up. Which, shh, is going on my credit card because although I am SO close to never using a credit card again, I’m not quite there yet. No job = no debt relief = still using credit cards for now at least.

One final thought…

Guys, I don’t know what it is. You know how I stopped taking Risperidal, which was my anger med? I stopped that approximately three weeks ago. It should be out of my system completely now.

Since stopping it, I had an adjustment period where I was VERY moody. I was angry. Raging mad.

Since being off it a few weeks… My anxiety is significantly less. The above worries that I wrote about have crossed my mind 1-3 times a day but it’s not an all day, debilitating thing. I have even skipped my morning Klonopin several days and gone the entire day without it and not freaking out.

I recall my pdoc saying, “If you’re on too much Risperidal, you’ll know because you’ll become anxious and your skin will feel like it’s crawling.” Well, I never had the crawling skin but what if I had the anxiety? Now, when I started Risperidal over 6 years ago, I obviously didn’t have debilitating anxiety like I do now. I never thought anything of it. What if Risperidal CAUSED MY ANXIETY!?

It’s still there. You just read three things that I’m worried about that honestly is so stupid. I shouldn’t even care about those three things but the thought is there and yes I’m a little worried about it. I’m not freaking out any more about it. Like, now that I got my thoughts out of my brain and on to ‘paper’, the thoughts are gone.

I also am raging less! My anger meds didn’t give me any relief. Now I am not on them anymore and I still scream and yell but I’m not like HULKING through the house.

So, just a thought that crossed my mind.

written on January 6, 2018 at 11:39 am with 1 Comment
Filed under: Anxiety, Life with Bipolar, Work