This entry is a long overdue one. I haven’t written in months as to what’s going on in my life. I haven’t updated any of my blog readers of everything that’s been going on because I am so active on Twitter – I guess in a sense; I’ve replaced a lot of blogging by tweeting. I want to give you all an idea of what’s going on. Please be warned: this entry is probably going to end up being extremely long. I doubt anyone will actually read the whole thing; this is what’s going on in my life lately:

I’ve had a lot going on. As some of you know, I recently had 10 teeth pulled. This left me with eight teeth left – total. I’m twenty-three years old, with eight teeth on the bottom left. I am devastated. Anytime I think about it I cry. I can’t look at myself in the mirror at all, unless I’m manic and feel the need to overly do my hair and makeup to make myself “feel better” like it’s suddenly going to do some patch job. It’s a ridiculous notion but I am trying to do whatever I can. With that being said, I haven’t been doing much of anything in the past six weeks. I had this done six weeks ago; I was unable to get temporary dentures or anything because they wanted me to heal properly. SO, with that being said, I’ve been walking around – continuing to live my life – looking at what I believe a toothless witch. I’ve been continuously taking pictures at my Daily Booth account. I’ve been told by many loyal friends that I’m insane and they are unable to see it. Maybe I’m being delusional like usual. Either way, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with in my life. I have been strong through depression, suicide attempts, emotional abuse, control, physical abuse, neglect, etc and here I am unable to regain my strength to get me through this time. I go on Wednesday to *finally* see the dentist whose going to make my dentures. Remind you, I’ve been without teeth since six weeks ago. Once I finally see this dentist it will take an additional three to five weeks before I am done and with teeth again. I pray it goes fast.

Next thing I’m currently ripping my hair out for dealing with is disability application process. I applied for Social Security Disability Insurance – or whatever … I don’t know the legal terms or the correct terms or the difference between SSDI and SSI. Bare with me while I write about this having very little knowledge about this. I found out I could apply for disability having bipolar disorder. I was completely unaware. So, shortly later, I applied. It’s been a little over three months since I submitted my application. I received a letter last week saying that there wasn’t enough proof/notes from doctors to prove I do in fact have bipolar disorder. So, they had scheduled an appointment through the state for me to attend. This appointment was today. I was required to answer questions regarding my disorder. How it’s affecting my life, my ability to live, my ability to work, my ability to function, etc. Mike was required to come to. They wanted to talk to someone who deals with me on a regular basis and who’s aware of the disorder. I did the best I could give barely 30 minutes to explain everything.

She also gave me a memory test. The test consisted of the following things:

Repeat the following words to me. – I had no problem with these for some reason.

Repeat the numbers back to me. She would say two numbers, then would say three (different) numbers. Continuing on up to five or six – I was only able to do up to five numbers before my memory completely let up.

Repeat the numbers I say backwards. 3,6,9,1,3 = 3,1,9,6,3 … I barely got to three numbers on this. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t believe myself. Normally, I’m so smart. Hell, I’m told all the time I’m extremely brilliant – Here I am completely unable to function or answer simple questions!

Count to ten.

Count to twenty backwards.

Starting at 100, count back to 0 by 3s. – I did AWFUL at this. My mind went completely numb. “Uhm. 100.” I sat there thinking for probably 2 full minutes. I even tried to count on my fingers and my mind just couldn’t pull that information! “97. Uhm, 94.” This is where it gets really bad. “91, 87, 84,81… I have no idea.” *paused for a few minutes* “Yea, I have absolutely no idea. I don’t even know if I’m on the right number. I’m sorry.”

What are some local or world-wide events going on? – Once again, I did absolutely horrible. I couldn’t think of one single thing! I watch the news every single day – goes to show just how much I don’t pay attention to stuff that doesn’t matter to me. How selfish of me. I finally said, “Oh. There’s some huge oil spill going on, but I know nothing more than that. I don’t even know where it is.”

This pretty much ended the memory test. I clearly failed it. I just really hope she doesn’t think I was purposely flunking out on it to seem like “I’m insane.” Whatever though, I don’t know how their judging works. I don’t know how these doctors, or the social security office deciphers and decides who is disabling enough by 30 minutes of information given.

After she talked with me, she called Mike in and sent me out in the waiting room. She essentially asked him a lot of the similar questions she asked me.

- What do you see with Nikkole?
- Does she cook dinner
- How is this affecting your relationship with each other?
- Who does she socialize with?

He answered truthfully and openly. This really impressed me. Mike doesn’t ever talk. He knew how important this was to me though. He told her exactly what he felt needed to be say. Guess what? His answers matched exactly what my answers where. That definitely will help I think.

Now, it’s just a waiting game. I have no idea how many more weeks, or months this is going to take to get an answer. Once I get an answer, I will see what our next spot will be. If the answer is yes, everything will be taken care of. My life will be a lot easier without having so much worry and anxiety when it comes to how is I going to take care of my kids. If they say no, I’m going to have to appeal it. I will possibly have to get an attorney, go have another exam, who knows. I just know that I’m going to fight it until I get it or get told, “No, there is just no way will you get this.”

Hmm, what else has been going on with me? Teeth. Disability. Bipolar.

Nickolas was put on Adderall recently. He was diagnosed with ADD with some hypertension. He was given some medication to help cope with it. Matt is completely unaware that we currently have him medicated. He will never find out either. He’s against it. He’ll fight it. In fact, he’d even go as far as taking me to court to make sure I don’t continue it. Nothing is ever allowed to be wrong with anyone he’s involved with. They must be perfect. Perfection is the only thing allowed. So far, we’ve noticed a bit of a difference; it’s a work in progress.

Needless to say, I’ve been busy and hectic with those two huge dramatic things going on. I’ve been busting my ass lately to just get through every day. It’s been hard. I have to be honest; I’m tired and have lost all train of thought. I don’t know what else I was planning on writing but I’m going to end it at this. If you guys have any questions at all, please feel free to ask. I’ll answer them in a new entry. I kind of want to do a FAQ type entry one day anyways. Until next time…

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