I have been incredibly overwhelmed the past few weeks. I feel like everyone has these such high standards for me to take on and I cannot even come close to meeting them. They want the house to look a certain way. They want the kids acting a certain way. I need to find a job BUT I have no idea what to do with the boys during that time.

Long story short, Mike and I got into it on Sunday. It was more or less me blowing up at him because I was beyond my pushing point. Saturday was a terrible, terrible day. He was gone the entire day. Everyone sees that he has all these projects and he’s never home to discipline the kids yet wants to be apart of the process and tell me how I’m doing it wrong. I have asked multiple times, “Well if I’m doing it wrong, what am I doing wrong and how can I fix it?!” No one seems to have answers for that. All I know is Mikhail’s tantrums are out of hand and Nick’s attitude is out of line. I don’t have a grasp of either kid and both of them just walk all over me. I’m sick of it and I want my life back. After arguing with Mike, we went from yelling to talking to each other civilly, to sitting down and coming up with real solutions.

We decided we’re going to work out a new discipline/reward/chore system… one that will be mainly implemented by me because he’s always at work or always gone all weekend long.

See my BIGGEST problem … I tell too many people, too many things, and it’s NO ONE’S BUSINESS. Because then people take what I say, not knowing the WHOLE story, only what Pissed off Nik is saying and then judging the situation based on that. Then people make remarks or comments to try to fix the situation and in reality, I don’t need someone to fix it I just need someone to listen. Now I have 3-4-5 people listening and putting in their two cents when in reality it is ultimately up to ME and MIKE about what we choose to do.

I NEED TO STOP GOING TO PEOPLE FOR ADVICE! ESPECIALLY THE JUDGEMENTAL FAMILY OF MINE!

So,  I deleted my Facebook. I know it won’t last but I need a break. I keep posting cryptic messages about how I’m overwhelmed and stressed out.

Yesterday’s whole ordeal had a huge part in me being manic and trying to please EVERYONE. I’m trying to get the house in order, I’m trying to figure out a way to discipline the kids without it blowing up in my face, I’m trying to get my health in order, SURGERY IS TOMORROW, I’m trying to keep Mike happy and not stressed out, I’m trying to keep the kids happy and not destroying the house I just spent all day cleaning to keep Mike’s mom happy, ON TOP OF THAT (!!!) I got a job interview on the 24th for an insurance company. The LOGICAL and REALISTIC person in me is like “WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH THE KIDS FOR 5-8 HOURS A DAY ALL SUMMER LONG!?” How can I get a job? How can I work this out? What am I going to do with the kids when they cannot even handle being alone with one another for more than 15 minutes without one getting a power trip that he’s older and can send the younger one to his room or the younger one punching the older one. It’s SO OVERWHELMING!

Mike wants me to go to this interview and see what they have to offer. What he doesn’t know is that I removed my resume from the web and temporarily until I can figure out only THE biggest situation – the kids, will I put it back up.

Basically, it all boiled down to this…

  • I need the house clean to HIGH standards 
  • I need to get a better grasp on the kids, their attitudes, and their nonsense tantrums
  • I need a better chore/reward/discipline system 
  • I need to find a job BUT not have a clue where to put the boys during the summer 
  • I need to worry about money without getting any details about how much or for what 
  • I need to put a smile on my face and be ready and willingly happy at all times 
  • I need to handle the kids in a fashion that is no longer out of line or out of control. I need to be civil and act with dignity. – NO MORE SCREAMING
  • I need to control and handle Mikhail in such a way that he no longer outbursts and destroys his room, the house, or anyone else’s possessions
  • I must provide income to cover the cost of going back to work within my limits of being able to work. (Breaking even)

I must do all this with a smile and readiness to do it efficiently and calm and collected. All without smoking or having a single vice to keep me with a level mind or head. All of this without complaining or whining to anyone because they have nothing to judge. All of this without losing my shit and blowing up on anyone because it’s unladylike and not healthy for the boys to witness. (no one has said that to me, I’m simply going off what I feel people expect from me… half of this hasn’t actually been said “NIK YOU MUST DO THIS” no, it’s more like I feel like this is what people want from me. Just as bad, though, right?)

I’m overwhelmed. I’m freaking out. I am bursting into tears every single day. I have been screaming every single day. You cannot tell the boys no without one of them snapping back and coping an attitude with you or the other throwing the biggest meltdown in history. I AM SICK OF IT!

I CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE! I JUST CAN’T!

written on at 10:35 am || Filed under: Anxiety, Struggles

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