So it’s been a week since I last wrote. I did not take the time to read my last post so I don’t entirely know what I wrote about other than writing about work. I guess I wanted to give a short little update since then.

Work Life

So, I worked Tuesday-Thursday this week in the middle of the day. I woke up earlier due to nerves, had coffee, took a shower, and got ready for my day. I went to work and did the best I could. For the most part, I think I did a fairly good job. The district manager was in yesterday and that really threw me off because he was only a few feet behind me and could hear everything I was saying to the customers although I am unsure if he paid attention or not.

Then today, I got a phone call saying there was a ‘payroll issue’ and I didn’t need to come in today. So I got ‘a free day off’. I don’t know if this is really the case but my anxious mind is turning because I just left yesterday without telling anyone I was leaving. It was the end of my shift, my replacement was there so I headed out and just dipped out.

I tried calling the boys at my break and the phones weren’t working. I kept getting that the customer I was calling was unavailable. It FREAKED me out. I thought the power was out at the house due to the storms. So, I was a nervous wreck the entire day while working. Once my replacement got there, I went in back, grabbed my stuff, and went to say goodbye to my manager but he was busy with a customer so I just left. I really hope this didn’t hurt me. I don’t think it did. Nah, it didn’t. It’s just my mind working overtime to start something that isn’t there. Shame on you, mind!

The Boys

The boys have done really well being home alone. They’ve listened and followed the rules fairly well. We gave them a little more responsibility when we allowed them to microwave some foods too. Which is a huge trust thing for me. I mean, there are tons of things that could wrong with the microwave, right!? Ugh! I don’t want to begin to think about that. Either way, I wrote a note with specific rules to how the microwave is used, how long to cook stuff for, and went from there.

Since I got my first paycheck today, I decided to take the boys out to lunch and celebrate their new found freedom away from Mom. Of course, also their responsibility that they’ve mastered too.

I can’t help but feel incredibly guilty, though. Mikhail sits on the Xbox playing video games almost the entire day. Nick sits in his bedroom on his tablet. They’re not doing ANYTHING. I told them if they’re really that bored then I can leave them a list of chores to do. “No, thanks anyway, Mom. We don’t need to do chores. We’re ok with what we’re doing during the day.” But seriously, how bad do I feel knowing they’re not doing ANYTHING while I’m gone. Mike said he was going to make a new rule that Nick HAS to play with Mikhail for at least an hour or two while we’re gone. That way, Mikhail has some interaction and Nick’s not being a lazy bum and laying around.

Mikhail is 100% responsible. If he was 3-5 years older I would have no problem leaving him home alone. He’s so ready and understands rules and follows everything to a TEE. He gets so upset because when Nick needs to go somewhere, we won’t leave him alone because he’s too young. While the responsibility is there, the age isn’t. His thought process is, well, I am ‘alone’ when Nick is sleeping all day so what’s the difference if I’m alone while you’re gone? While that’s true, it’s a little different. He doesn’t think that’s fair.

Nick’s responsible enough to be trusted to sit on his tablet in his room. He is known to go into the kitchen and eat something immediately after I’ve left simply because he can without someone yelling at him – not because he wants it or needs it. For instance, yesterday I got dressed and ready and went downstairs. He said “I love you” and bye while sitting in his room. He thought I left. He came downstairs and was like “Oh! you’re still here! Never mind then…” and went back upstairs. He’s just sneaky and untrustworthy. I hate thinking that about him. It’s just who he is. He’s very conniving.  We do our best to test him and give him opportunities to prove himself worthy and being trusting. He just chooses to do things that aren’t so honest.

Anxiety

My anxiety is at an all-time high.

I am anxious about EVERYTHING. Work is not helping at all.

For instance, they called me today to say that there were “payroll issues” and now my mind is all like, “Nik, you didn’t sign off with everyone yesterday before you left. You just left. You didn’t tell anyone you were leaving. You just left. What if they called saying not to come in today because you did that!?” UGH! Now, I’m FREAKING out thinking that I did something massively wrong. Shit.

Don’t think of that! Knock it off! Maybe there was seriously too many people this week and too many hours spread too thinly and they really didn’t need you today. They seemed perfectly fine with you when you picked up your paycheck, right? Ok! There ya go! They were fine. You are fine. Everything is fine. 

Ok. I took my Klonopin. I forgot to take it this morning because I didn’t go to work. Guess I really do need that dosage. I should be OK in a few moments. Moving along.

Coloring

I haven’t colored all week and I’m missing it!

Birthday

Mike says my second half of my birthday present is coming this weekend. I don’t have a clue what it could be. It’s taking everything in my power not to sneak a peek but I’m doing my best because I want to be surprised even though I hate surprises.

He surprised me by inviting over our friends this weekend for a cookout. He said the whole thing would be taken care of and I didn’t have to worry about a thing. He said the guys would come when they get here and leave when they leave.

I called my dad and asked him “Hey, summer is almost over and the boys were wondering when they could come over again?”

He said, “Well, let me think about it. Hopefully this weekend!”

“Oh?! You’re going to take them for my birthday?!”

“That’s not this weekend, is it?!”

“It is!”

“Oh well, that’s fine. We’ll take them Saturday but not until after 3:30pm, ok?”

“Fine by me! I’ll drop them off after that.”

So, I get to have a cook out, probably a fire, and a relaxing night without the kids to hang out with our friends and just chill.

Now, I want to explain something. The people who are coming over are Mike’s friends, arguably my friends too, but more or less, Mike’s friends. Mike asked if there was anyone I wanted to invite. I couldn’t think of a single person. I don’t have friends. I’m not friends with anyone. I have some people on my Facebook but no one I want to hang out with. None of those people do I talk to each day except for Sheri and she lives all the way in freakin’ Ohio! ;) Love you girlie. Seriously, though, I have no friends. The only people I talk to every day or even on a weekly basis is my mom and sister and those two are the LAST people I want around Mike’s friends.

I wish I had friends but I just don’t do well with friendships. I don’t trust people. There is a reason behind that and it all stems from an occasion that happened over 11 years ago. A GOOD friend of mine, my best friend, almost broke Mike and I up when we first started dating because she thought it would be funny to act as though I was with a bunch of guys when I told him I was hanging out with her. He called and the person’s house we were at (a male) was like “Come back to me, Nik! We miss you! Come here!” while on the phone with Mike. They then took my phone and hung up on Mike and refused to give back to me for like 60 minutes. I FLIPPED. GIVE ME MY PHONE! I finally got a hold of Mike and called him back and he was livid. Who the fuck are you with? Where the hell are you?! I’ve been looking for you. We almost broke up because they wanted to be immature. I never went back to that friend’s house after that.

Since then I’ve kinda been a shut in. I haven’t had many friends since because of the fear of something breaking up Mike and I.

Not to mention, when I was working at the call center, I befriended a few people, including two guys. These guys gave me attention and at the time Mike wasn’t. I started gravitating towards the guy’s attention and Mike and I started fighting. We almost broke up because I was pushing him away and he wasn’t sure how to treat me because he was scared I was going to leave. I ended up pregnant and quitting my job cutting all ties with the guy friends and growing incredibly close to Mike.

This is why I don’t have friends. I can’t be trusted. I can’t trust anyone. I don’t want anything to harm Mike’s and my relationship. I have major trust issues and I refuse to let anything come between Mike and I ever again.

Moving on…

Oh, I guess I don’t have anything else to talk about. I need to check a couple of things on the Cartwheel app and then maybe head to Target. Talk to you later.

written on at 4:30 pm || Filed under: Accomplishments, Anxiety

One Response to “One Week Later”

  1. Sheri says:

    Dang, I’d come to your birthday party! I have no local friends either, although for me it’s not a trust issue. I still feel like I live in a foreign land, rural Ohio is do different from where I lived for 50 years. Anyway, you and the boys did great, don’t worry so much about them not doing much because school will start soon…then you’ll have a whole new set of worries – bwahahaha – sorry, love you Nik
    ;)

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