My oldest and I, its a love/hate relationship
I have had an extremely rough morning today. It’s not the first that I’ve had, and I highly doubt it’s not the last. Its one of those mornings where you seriously begin to wonder why you’re not ripping out your hair. Times like these, I wonder to myself why did I ever have kids? I don’t have the patience for it. I’m a horrible mom because of this. That thought seems to run through my head a lot. “You are a horrible mother.” I know I’m going to get bashed for this post, but so be it. I need to get this off my chest.
Nick, my six year old son, and I don’t always see eye to eye. In fact, we butt heads more than we get along. I don’t know what it is, but we just argue and fight a lot. He’s six years old for christ sakes! It shouldn’t be like this until he’s at least 13-14 years old, right? I guess not.
I don’t know if its the bipolar; I don’t know if its its because he’s my first born and everyone seems to have problems with their first born child. I don’t know what it is, but I do know, its a problem. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my son with all my heart. He is my son. I would never kick him out like my parents did with me, now or when he’s a teenager. I will never send him away to live with his Father because I cannot handle him. I vowed when I was a teenager, I’d never do that to my children.
I get so very angry when it comes to Nickolas though. I pray to god, I don’t get like that with Mikhail. I pray to god that after my treatment, and after I get the right cocktail of medication; I’ll love my kids. Right now, I can’t say I like them all the time. There is love there, they are my children, but I really really don’t like them sometimes. I honestly can’t say them, as a whole either, its mainly Nickolas. I don’t know if its because he’s older and Mikhail is too little to do any wrong. I’m just not sure.
When I said that Nickolas and I argue a lot, it wasn’t an exaggerated statement. We argue all the time. For instance, this morning we had a 10 minute argument about lunch at school. Every morning while I’m getting him ready for school, I read him off the menu for the day. His school give him five choices of meals every day, he has to pick one. Very simple. Unless it’s a day where they have something he don’t like any of the choices. Today was one of those days.
“They have chicken tacos, turkey sandwich, meatball subs, big bird chicken salad, and chef salad… You should try the chicken tacos. All it has is chicken, taco shell, and cheese.”
“How about cold lunch?”
“We don’t have anything for cold lunch, Nick.”
“Well.” He looks around the kitchen. Opens the cabinet and says, “We have fruit snacks!”
“You’re not only having fruit snacks for lunch! I told you we don’t have anything for cold lunch. I have to go grocery shopping. I have been telling you over and over for the past week, I have no money for groceries right now, we have to wait and then I will go grocery shopping and you can have whatever you want then, right now, I have nothing to offer you!”
“Dad told me that you took all his and Lisa’s money! YOU HAVE MONEY! YOU ARE A LIAR MOM!”
“Nick. I have also already told you that, yes, your Dad paid money to us, but I don’t have it yet. I have to wait until the bank gives it to me.”
“You hate me, don’t you? God, why won’t you just let me have cold lunch!? Its because you hate me!”
Arrrgghh! I swear to god, at this point, I was irritated to the point of no return. My bipolar causes me to get irritation and aggravated very, very easily. I also have yet to figure out a way for me to calm the hell down. A friend suggested I look into EFT (emotional freedom techniques) so I am going to do that after I’m done writing this.
Either way, I really wish I didn’t get so upset when it comes to Nickolas. That argument that we had above is probably one of two or three a day! We are always fighting. He is six years old, he shouldn’t be talking to me that way. I should also show more respect to him.
There is a fine line going with him right now where he will not do anything in which we ask of him. Nickolas go eat. Nickolas please sit down and eat. NICK?! What are you doing?! Go eat! Simplest tasks seem nearly impossible for him to just comprehend. He doesn’t do this everywhere. He mainly does it here. Maybe we pay attention to him too much and we’re too hard on him. I try extremely hard to ignore a lot of it. I also try extremely hard that I’m not barking orders all day long but it seems like its the only only thing that will work. Actually, that doesn’t work either so honestly I have no idea what to bother with next.
All I know is that I really hate to feel this way. I feel like a god awful Mom when I do these things. I sit there and argue with my six year old son. He just wants to be loved and shown compassion. Most of the time I just want to relax, try to calm myself down, and not be bothered. I feel sorry for my kids sometimes. They didn’t ask to be put in a life with a bipolar mother. They didn’t ask to have to deal with not knowing if I’m happy, outraged, or sad. I wish I could give them a better life. I wish I wasn’t so angry all the damn time and could just appreciate and love them. I’ve tried for many years to do that. It seems like the most impossible task I have done.
I’ve said in the past, I wish I could be like those other Mommy Bloggers where they’re talking about how their kid did the cutest things, and how they’re so in love with their kids. How they can’t help but love every single little thing they do, and how its so great to watch them grow up. Honestly, I know its a bunch of crock. Not everyone loves and likes every single thing their kids do, but honestly, I wish I could at least try to be that way. Nope. I don’t like it. I get highly annoyed by it actually.
There’s got to be a way I can fix this. I’ve got to change myself for my children. They don’t deserve me.
I’m afraid that since I don’t have any kids myself I can’t really relate. I do however think you’re far from the only one feeling like this at times. Most people probably don’t talk about how they sometimes don’t like their kids because it’s kind of taboo. I do think most parents dislike their kids at times though.
I went through this same thing with my daughter at the same age. At first the “professionals” called it Oppositional Defiance Disorder, then they called it ADHD, then Borderline Personality Disorder, and finally the correct diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. What a difference the right medication and therapy makes.
Have you considered that it’s not your fault that he may need more help than you can give him?
Stop being so hard on yourself. Like I told you before, so many moms won’t admit that they love their kids but don’t like their behavior. There were so many times I’d think “I can’t stand my daughter,” but I’ve never stopped loving her.
.-= Sheri´s last blog ..Success! =-.
so sorry you’re having problems.I pary to God i won’t have them problems with my son.The people above are right maybe he needs some help that you or your fiance can give him,5 chocies for lunch is really alot considering when I was in school you only had 2 and msot of the time it was discusting.
Yes thet absolutly (?) deserve their mother! mothers and their sons/daughters argue all the time! It’l be okay!
.-= Grace´s last blog ..Last Blog Before Tests and Homework! =-.
Oh hun <3 I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You have to stop being so hard on yourself. You're a wonderful mother and you've done great for yourself. You've come a long way. We all get emotional and we all have our problems.
You have to sit and say that Nick is only six years-old. For rest of his lifetime, he's going to know what he wants and he's going to always think he's knows what's best for him. That's just how childhood is. We listen to what our parents tell us is best for us, but we want something else and we think it's what's best. He's just a little boy. Perhaps part of his behavior is due to the problems you experienced with his father? He's old enough to understand how your finances work and how things are going on, but he doesn't fully understand how life exactly work. He just knows money means the ability to buy. He doesn't know the banking system.
Whenever things get tough, just take a deep breath and try to calmly explain things as much as you possibly can. I know it's hard being a mother of two young children who are sprouting up quickly, but you're a good mother. Don't allow yourself to think otherwise! <3
.-= Angel´s last blog ..Bloganistas – Daily Outfits of the Female Blogworld =-.
I have one son and I have bipolar disorder too. I found your website through trying to add/follow you on twitter.
I read on twitter that you needed to speak to other bipolar mums, then hello!
I’m in the UK and looking to try and get some connections through the net when I want to get something off my chest or find out if other people feel the same way I do.
Get in touch anytime.
Anne
(I don’t have a blog, but I do have some music on myspace)
Yea, I was interested in seeing if I can connect via twitter or my blog for other mothers that have bipolar disorder. I know that it’s completely different having bipolar disorder and trying to raise children at the same time.
I have a great support group growing every day from many people on twitter that have BPD – but not a lot of them are mom’s. I have an extremely rough time balancing parenting & BPD so having other mom’s in this circle of support is more than welcome to have.
Thanks so much for writing and I hope to chat with you more via twitter! (I don’t have MySpace anymore.)