My latest battles with quitting smoking

Date posted: Wednesday January 20th, 2010 || Filed under: Life with Bipolar || 4 Comments

As I had stated in my previous entry, I’m reading a self help quit smoking book called “The Easy Way To Stop Smoking” is basically exactly what it says, it explains the easy way to stop smoking. Long explanation short; it says that you’re supposed to smoke all the way while reading the book, until the very end. According to the hundred of reviews written by people, which i believe I’ll be reading more of tonight, states that it might not work the first time around, but definitely the second time. Basically, it changes the way you think about smoking. Honestly, I read 5-10 chapters per night, and I could see myself asking many different questions. I started questioning a lot of things I never thought about before. Best of all, I started to WANT to quit smoking. Never in my life have I EVER wanted to quit smoking. It’s my only vice. Its the only thing I have that relieves stress. How will I cope? Anyways, while reading this book, I started changing my mindset with things. I got to the point where I no longer wanted to smoke. I was disgusted by it; but I didn’t believe/buy it 100% yet. I was still doubting it in my mind. There cannot be no doubt. You will not be successful unless you know without any doubt, that this is your last cigarette for the rest of your life. I’m not at that point yet.

Besides that, we have Mike’s holiday Christmas Party on the 30th. To give you a little recap of what happened last year, Mike wanted us to quit smoking after Mikhail was born. I agreed, but was unwilling of the whole thing. I wanted to do it for him. Well, a month down the road, I was still in agony due to the fact that I was obsessing over a cigarette. The craving was just as strong 1 month later as it was 1 day after I didn’t have a cigarette. Anyways, we went to the party, and I got incredibly trashed. Mike, remind you, has amazing willpower. He was able to quit, with no problem, no freaking out, no major cravings, just fine. So, while drunk as hell at this party, our friend said “C’mon Mike, you and Nikki want a cigarette, you know you do.” Mike agreed. I was SO happy he was going to allow us to smoke since we were drinking. He explained this was simply due to the fact that we were drinking, I said alright.

Later on that night, everyone was going out for another smoke. Mike said, “No. I don’t want one.” He was perfectly alright with this. I was screaming in my mind. Omg! I had to have another cigarette. You let me have one, why won’t you let me have one more for this night. Tomorrow, no more I promise. He denied me this. I grew extremely upset. I was drunk as hell, my emotions were running high, and he just denied me something I wanted incredibly bad at the time. I locked myself in the bathroom of our hotel room, and he finally came in, and spent the next six hours in the bathroom… trying to help me feel better.

A few months later, we had another party to attend at a friend’s house. I was so incredibly unhappy, mean, and ignorant at that party. No one wanted to be around me. I couldn’t talk to anyone because I despised them all. They were allowed to smoke, and I wasn’t.I got in to a huge fight with Mike that night. I couldn’t understand it. Why is it after months and months of quitting I never got over that “initial shock of quitting” that you’re supposed to overcome within a few weeks. The craving and addiction grew more and more every day, not better. I never forgot about it. I began obsessing over it. I was against Mike’s wishes, so I chose not to do it. I didn’t want to displease him. He wouldn’t’ have been anger, or hated me for doing it, just disappointed. I didn’t want to disappoint him. I told him after we left the party that night, after my fits that I had thrown like a two year old, that I no longer wanted to go to anymore social events. I told him I couldn’t handle it, I didn’t want to ruin it for anyone. I just want to avoid them at all costs due to not being able to smoke. How horrible am I?

A few months later, we had another party to attend, one in which we attended every year. It was our friend’s birthday party. The same friend that we went to previously, where I was the biggest bitch in the entire world because I wasn’t smoking. I wasn’t excited about going. I didn’t want to go; Mike finally told me, he’d buy me cigarettes, I can only smoke them tonight because we’d be drinking and such, and then I’m done. I agreed…

I don’t know what happened next, but ultimately I ended up hooked again. After five months of not smoking; but still obsessing every single day about being an ex-smoker.

Long story short, that was nearly a year ago. I have only smoked 1 pack a week. On a rare occasion, its 2 packs a week due to going out and partying and I smoke more. So, once again, I’m attempting to quit. I wasn’t told I had to quit. I am choosing to quit – kinda. In my eyes, I don’t want to quit. I like smoking. I enjoy smoking. Most important of them all; it is my ONLY vice I have when dealing with the ups and downs I experience every single day. It helps me rage less towards my kids when I get extremely irritable. So, here I am, I want to quit, kinda. I don’t have the money for it. We don’t have the money for it. Who the hell am I to take that $14 a week away from my family?

I’ve weighed the pros and cons over and over again. I understand the benefits from quitting. I know what the benefits are. I believe in the benefits. I’m scared of quitting because I’m scared I’m not going to be able to overcome my high that I’m having from mania when it gets bad, or my low when I get depressed and feel like I have nothing left.

Anyways… I’ve been reading this book over the course of the last four or five days. All of the reviews on Amazon found; here. Have all pretty much stated the same thing – this helped them quit smoking.  I was skeptical while reading it. How can a book do anything!? I began reading it with an open mind, and hope that this can help me.

I began reading it and within the first few chapters, I was really inspired. I decided, I like this. I like what its doing to me. I like the way I’m thinking on it. So I continue to read a few more chapters everyday. Now, like I previously stated, while you’re reading this book, you’re supposed to continue to smoke.

Last night, I went to play bingo with my Mom. Normally I chain smoke while being there because you can just smoke while you’re playing openly, and so I tend to do it a lot more. I noticed I had a huge change due to reading that book. A lot of what was said in that book really played over and over in my mind; I did forget a lot of the key points. Luckily, I remembered enough to the point where I only had 3 cigarettes over the entire span of 5 hours. I was proud of myself. I was inspired!

I came home last night and continued to read some more chapters, far too quickly. I didn’t want to smoke at all the rest of the night. I tried to read more this morning, but Mikhail was sick, and I wasn’t able to concentrate much. So, I smoked the first cigarette around 1pm. I went that long without a cigarette. I was fine. So, then I decided and told myself with my second, “Nikkole. This is the last cigarette for the rest of your life.” … yea I freaked out.

So, I told Mike of my plan and he calmed me down. He said, “We have that Christmas Party to go to next weekend. You’re going to want to smoke. Why don’t you just stick to your original quit date of the 1st, and we’ll go from there.” That helped tremendously. I’m so happy he understands me.

So, that’s currently where I am at. I am really being conscious of my smoking now. I am paying attention to every drag off the cigarette and really opening my eyes about how disgusting and distasteful it really is. I’m hoping with this, I’ll teach myself how much I really don’t want to do this. If I change my mind set of this is disgusting, why are you doing it. Its going to eventually feel like I’m forcing myself to smoke; Eventually, if I’m forcing myself to smoke, I’m not going to want to do it anymore… That’s my plan.

… I’m going to continue to teach and train my mind with the knowledge I learned from this book. I’m going to read through it and re-read through it to make sure I understand everything that’s being said. I really think it will help me a lot, if I can get through it and really take what’s written in the book to heart.

Another thing I’m thinking about; smoking is on the bottom of my achievement list. I want to get my bipolar taken care of first, physical health next, weight and dieting, then smoking.

Maybe that’s just me making excuses; and that I’m making excuses today that I’ll never quit because “tomorrow” will never come. I want to keep the only vice I feel I have, during the toughest time in my life overcoming all this stuff I’m going through. I will overcome this someday. I want to do it for Mike, and quit with him even though he’s quit and never looked back. I want to do this for my family. I especially want to do this for myself. And it really has taken A LOT to get me to the point of saying that.

I’ll work on it… I have to start slowing myself down though. Take ONE step at at time. Right now, I’m charging through EVERYTHING at once… and I’m setting myself up for a major crash. As I said in my previous post found here; “I’ve been soaring high, and I’m scared to death of the height”
I have to slow myself down, and start looking at the BIG picture and take one step at a time, so my crash isn’t too hard.

… smoking will come. At this point, my mental health is extremely more important to me to fix first.