My Dreams
So, I’m sitting here watching Birth Day on Discovery Health… That’s never a good idea. I want another baby so bad. I tear up just seeing the births and wish I could’ve taped my labor for Nickolas. It went so quickly that I hardly remember most of it. It just brings me to tears to witness the miracle of birth. I’m extremely ready to have more children. Although our financial state isnt ready I am. Mike isnt ready either. He wants us to wait until we’re married. We’re not getting married until we’re finacially stable to have my dream wedding. Which I guess, is understandable and the right/smart thing to do. I just so badly want to be pregnant again, and to hold the baby in my arms for the first time again. I was around for Nickolas while he was a baby, but there is a lot I regret and a lot I missed because I was young and didnt think about it as a miracle… More so as a responsiblity that was thrown at me.
I was 17 years old, what did I expect? Along with all that I had all sorts of problems with Matt while Nickolas was a few months old. *Sigh* I know I have to wait, and I know now isnt the best time to have another, but I just cannot wait until I get to bring another child into this world. I cannot wait to have a sibling for Nickolas to love and play with. It kinda breaks my heart that I cant do that now. I love Nickolas with all my heart, and my life is so stressful and I have SO much going on right now yet I want another baby. I’m nuts. I cant even juggle my hobbies, with my family life, with my relationship with Mike, with my websites, with cleaning, with having a job, with my schooling. I have so much going on in my life… I wish I could just take it all on hold and just complete it all.
I have a really bad problem with having goals but never pursuing them and accomplishing them. Right now, I want to finish my schooling. Its been two years and I still havent completed it. Mainly because the only time I can ever do my schooling is while Nick is asleep. Which is when I use that time to work on my websites. Although schooling is more important than web design, it doesnt make me happy. With all the stress I’ve been going through, I always try to do something that will relax me. School obviously wouldnt do that. I try to keep a schedule for my entire day. Time for school, webpage design, playing with Nickolas, cleaning, spending time with Mike, personal time to relax, cooking, bill paying, etc. There isnt enough time in a day to do it all. I wish I knew how to manage my time a lot better, and its something I’ve never been able to do well. I know I need a job too. Living off my child support and some of Mike’s income is just getting us by… barely to pay the bills. (Although two of the bills are never paid) We dont have any extra spending money to just go out and have fun. Even though we still do it to keep our sanity. I just wish there was a way I could just get some money… Have our wedding. Get our house. Get my schooling done. Get Nickolas everything he needs… That is a dream… that I dont think will ever come true.
Obviously I got to work towards that dream and yet I’m too damn lazy to get off my behind to go do it. I dont know why either. I thought after getting put on my meds that it would motivate me and stablize my mind enough to get my accomplishments done…. unfortunally it doesnt. I dont know what I want and what I want to do… What I do know is that whenever I figure out what I want, I never do anything to get it. I dont know why… I wish my life was just set and planned out, and everything just came together easily… I guess if life was like that though, it wouldnt be interesting, and would become very boring… Even though I believe my life is boring now. *sigh* I dont know I’m just rambling now… I’ll talk to you all later.
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