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So you think you know…

I am Nikki. I’m around Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I am twenty-nine. Being born on the 30th of July; that would make me a Leo. I am a mother of two boys, Nick(12) and Mikhail(7). Yes, that would make me a stereotypical “teenage mom”. Nick’ dad, Matt, is in and out of our lives. He is what I’ve always like to call a “when it’s convenient for him” type of dad. He comes and goes when he feels fit. Thankfully, I found the man of my dreams, Mike. The father of our little boy, Mikhail and a wonderful role model to Nick. I couldn’t ask for more. We met in December of 2004 and knew almost instantly we were meant to be together. It sounds so cliche, but fate really did bring us together. We have had our ups and downs, but who hasn’t, right? We have been through everything together. Endless illnesses and many healthy spurts have tested our limits but we survived them all. He balances me out, and I balance him out. We’re truly a match made from heaven. We’re great for each other. I couldn’t ask for a better man to have by my side.

I am a web designing, coffee lovin’, sweepstakes entering, pixels, planner decorating, social media fanatic, “normal” young adult. I say s4010010-copynormal with the least amount of emphasis and with a hint of sarcasm. I almost always speak my mind on my blog; unless I fear the thought of rejection or hurting one’s feelings for no point. (I tend to speak, what I feel, would be the ‘honest to god truth’ when it comes to certain things. If I feel it is necessary that you NEED to hear what I feel about it, I will let you know.) My personality is like a firecracker. Some even say I’m difficult person to deal/get along with.

I try extremely hard to be the best mom I can be. Nick was born in October of 2003. His dad,  Matt and I were together, exactly two months and ten days after his birth before breaking up on Christmas day. I left him, the nonsense, abuse, and immaturity. I learned a lot about relationships while being with him, and am very proud that I left. Nick and I have dealt with a lot of bull coming from him. Although I don’t think it will ever end, we can only hope.

Currently, Nick is aging and learning more for himself what his dad is really like. He’s opening his eyes in the whole situation and coming to terms with who his father really is. It has been an incredibly trying and hard process. He’s been in therapy since last year when Matt made his longest disappearance for about a year and a half in 2014-2015. Matt saw Nick once on Nick’s birthday and hasn’t seen him since. Although that was only about 10 days ago and there are slim chances he’ll be a part of Nick’s life once again, I highly doubt it. Nick developed heart problems in October 2014 with having PVCs. We haven’t exactly figured out which caused these but they started shortly after Matt called Nick after a six-month disappearance and promised Nick the world. We decided the likely cause of the PVCs was probably stress. Nick’s learning to stress out less and less but it’s a slow process. He’s learning, though.

Mikhail was born in December of 2008. After having to quit my job due to hyperemesis, I decided to stay being a SAHM. I am the happiest this way, most of the time. I don’t mind being a SAHM but I do miss having the ability to have “my own money”. I also get a tug at my heart strings, a little dose of guilt likes to play with me like the plague because I don’t feel as though I’m able to “provide for my family” even though deep down I know I do emotionally and physically, just not financially. Mikhail was told he would need special education teachers because of his delay in learning and experience. He was very slow to start speaking and very shy. We made the decision to put him in a normal school with regular teachers and too much of our surprise he strives. His 4K teacher exclaimed how well he did. Then he went to kindergarten and got the honor roll every single semester! He was doing extremely well. Now he’s in 1st grade and the teacher informed us he was 7 levels ahead of the rest of the class in reading and reading at a mid second-grade reading level and is now working with the Gifted and Talented teacher.

We are incredibly proud of both of our boys. Although Nick is currently failing a few classes in middle school and struggling with his emotions and everything going on with Matt, we are still very proud of him. We will all have a lot of ups and downs but we’re all in this together. I will always be there for my kids no matter how hard things get. They’re my kids and I would never ship them away.

… But you have no idea.

I don’t like to think of myself as anything near normal. I have bipolar disorder or manic depression. I’m a bit of a “Hulk” when it comes to a lot of situations.  6da54eb54b538cf2e845961aa41c3b59_531471I am completely anti-social, and would much rather stay inside of my home all day long than go converse with the outside world. Sometimes, I don’t mind hanging out with good friends but that brings a great deal of anxiety. I enjoy getting out of the house when its been weeks on end where I was cooped up but all in all, I’d rather be cooped up than be a social butterfly. I have my reasons for this, those in which I just am not going to get into right now.

Another thing you’ll notice about me, I don’t hold back when it comes to sharing certain aspects of my life. If I have bull shit happening in my life, I’ll tell ya about it on this blog. Although I regret this, and sometimes dislike this trait of my personality; I’m an open book and I’m able to able share without [much] remorse. I’m not proud of a lot of stuff, but as I see it, if I’m able to get it out, and share, MAYBE somewhere, someday, I’ll save a soul because they’ll know, they’re not the only ones like that.

With that being said, I am pretty much opposite when it comes to dealing with people this way. I do NOT like confrontation so I tend to hold back and hide my true feelings towards a lot of things because I don’t want to deal with the drama or bull shit that comes with it. I really don’t have much if any drama. If I do, its short and goes away quickly. I am a gossiper too, but being anti-social I only usually gossip to my mom, my sister, Krystal, and Mike.

I don’t tend to seem ‘fun’ either. If I go to a concert, I don’t sing or dance, I just stand and watch. I have good laughs with friends but I’m not the crazy friend that goes out and does all the crazy fun things. I actually suck as a friend. I’m loyal as shit but I’m boring. I don’t know, maybe my anxiety problems tend to make me hold back from a lot of stuff. Someday I’ll get this fixed but until then, I am just me.

There’s a lot about my personality I could sit here and explain; Majority of it will simply confuse you. Your best bet is to just read/follow my blog. Get to know me and see who I am as a person, mom, friend, girlfriend, lover, and enemy.

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This blog includes “sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll‘. I swear. I curse. I bitch. I hate. I make sexual innuendos. This blog would be considered Rated M for Mature, not Monkey. This blog is pure, uncensored emotions, thoughts, and opinions. This is my life; I chose the life I live. If you have a problem with anything I say here, you have two options: 1. Click on the [X] located in the top right-hand corner of your browser. 2. Do yourself a favor and press CTRL+F4 — There is no sense to change me for I am who I am. I use this blog as a vice to vent all my built up emotion (which is a lot) and I don’t have it to please others. Please understand that.