Today has been a long day. It was exhausting. I had enough caffeine to last a life time. This morning was terrible for me. I woke up and made myself a white chocolate mocha iced coffee. I sipped that for the entire morning. About 20 minutes before I had to leave for work, it hit me, uncontrollable nausea. I ended up vomiting and took myself to work. It didn’t let up there like it normally does. No, about 20 minutes after my shift started, and a few sips of Coke which I thought would settle my stomach, I ended up attempting to puke again. At this point, I feel bulimic. I throw up on average about once or twice a day. My anxiety group said it was due to my morning coffee and the acid sensitivity I probably have. Ugh. That may be true. Me? Without my morning coffee? Who would I be if it came to that? Isn’t there some special procedure or pill I can take that will make my stomach handle acid better? I am already taking the max dose of an acid reducer (Prilosec). I cannot give up caffeine too. In fact, I just bought over $50 in items to make coffee. I don’t fuck around. I am calling tomorrow to see a Gastrologist and see if he even has appointments on Tuesdays. Otherwise, I’m going to have to figure something out. Throwing up every day is getting old. While I am not bothered by the act of doing it, I’m getting sick of constantly having problems swallowing because of the scar tissue and damage it’s doing to my esophagus.

In other news that also pertains to this morning, we started our back to school schedule today. Well, we kinda did. The boys’ electronics were taken away at exactly 9 o’ clock last night. They proceeded to brush their teeth and head to bed. They then proceeded to fight, argue, and play around for the next 30 minutes. It wasn’t until we both went to bed and it was lights out across the entire house that they finally went to sleep. This morning was difficult. I woke up Nick shortly after I woke up around 6:20 am. He rolled over, popped his eyes opened, said, “I’M UP!”, and promptly asked to go back to sleep. I allowed it. About 20 minutes later, I woke up Mikhail who muttered something about “we’re not going anywhere today so why do I have to actually get up?” so I allowed him to go back to sleep too. Around 7:20 am, I woke up Nick and said, “this is the time you’d have to leave for the bus.” He said, “OK. Now, can I go back to sleep?” Whatever. I allowed it. I went and woke up Mikhail and told him time to get up because I knew he started school on Friday and he was actually needed to be awakened. Mikhail was fine once he was up. Tomorrow we’ll try again a little harder.

Work was hectic. I’ll save the story and basically say we had calls in que the entire day. In other words, it was call after call after call. On top of that, we’d go out of que, where there would be a few moments rest in between calls, where the managers expected us to do web tickets in between. The second you opened a web ticket, you’d get a call. It was relentless! The webs built up until there were roughly 200 in there and no end in sight to the calls coming in. We just didn’t have enough time process the web in between calls. There were barely any people assigned to webs (not taking any phone calls) either so no one was doing them and they just kept building up. I believe the rest of the week will be pretty dead. Well, maybe, maybe not. If it is a homeowner, we’re gonna have people calling asking to get the work done before Labor Day, and unless they call today or tomorrow, that is not going to be possible. If they call on Wednesday (when I go back to work) their start date will be Tuesday after Labor Day, which will make for some very crabby homeowners.

I have decided that I have a very stressful job, this, however, is not a bad thing. It’s just an observation. I always knew it was stressful. I think that’s kinda why I like it. It’s always a challenge. It’s not mindless. It’s not boring. There is always something to do, something to focus on, something to improve. You can always do something a little better or a little clearer. It’s a constant thought process. Sure, when there are no calls coming in, and there are zero webs in there, it gets boring. I don’t mind coloring, writing in my planner, or writing pages and pages of notes to myself during this time. It’s the Monday and Wednesday where it’s busy enough to not do anything in between calls but slow enough to make you want to shoot yourself because you’re literally sitting there waiting for the next call to come in that is rough. Thursday and Friday are still pretty busy but I can get a little more done on my own time in between a call. Soon, it will slow down and I’ll have a lot more time on my hands to do whatever I please, and of course, this comes with more time to want to VTO (leave early). The job itself is stressful though because each call is different and each call you have to do to perfection each and every time. You have to work your ass off. You can’t mindlessly go through a call. You have to focus on what the caller is saying and actually pay attention and problem solve for every single caller. They explain to you what type of work they’re doing and where they’re doing the work and you have to figure out exact marking instructions that are worded in a way that not only you understand but also your supervisor, their supervisor, the locating and utility companies, and whoever else will view the ticket. Once you have that figured out, you have to map the generalized worksite on a map that doesn’t show ANYTHING but roads, no demographics. You have to picture in your head where that house would be and where to go from there. You have to measure and draw a box around the general work site vicinity and hope your ass you got it covered. Then you have to describe that box to the caller in such detail because they cannot see what you’re talking about and PRAY they say “YES” and accept that box that you drew.

It’s a stressful job! Yet, here I am, three times past and I’m working there for the third time and it’s the only job I pictured myself doing. I’m good at it. I enjoy it for the most part. I HATED my job when I worked at Office Max. I despised going in every single day. I do not hate going to work. I do not mind the job itself. I actually enjoy the job. It’s just, it’s stressful. I am constantly being analyzed and monitored to ensure that I’m doing a perfect job. When I’m not doing a perfect job, I get dinged. When I get dinged, I feel shitty about myself. When I feel shitty about myself, I get anxious. When I get anxious, I puke. Therefore, I puke on the days I have to work not because my job stresses me out directly but because I think any job I get that involves any amount of stress is going to cause me to puke. So unless I had a mindless factory job where I sit there putting caps on the toothpaste, I’m going to be stressed out.

Not to mention, the fact that it’s getting down to crunch time. There are less than two to three months left of the season. They could end it at any time. They could say, “Ok, your time here at DHL is over.” I was promised by two managers including the head manager of the call center, that I, no matter what will have a position at DHL for as long as I’m willing to work there unless I royally fuck up. I can sit here over and over again stating that I’m not worried about it. I have money stashed away for all my bills and they’ll be covered through the winter. I can say I’d be happy to take the winter off and have a nice little vacation through those months and just lay low and get some massive cleaning done. I’m trying to train my entire mind and soul to believe that. On the surface, I’m worried. I’m worried I won’t have a job even though I was told I’m welcome back each season. It’s not until I am called in that office and am talked “Nik, you can work with us from now on, you’re hired on.” or ” Nik, you didn’t make the cut this season but we will be happy to see you back in Spring.” that I’m going to worry about it. The uncertainty is what makes me nervous. That nervousness will not go away from now until I’m called in that office. I won’t be called in that office until October or November. And because of that, I’ll be stressed and puking before work. There’s nothing I can do about it. I am going to just have to deal with it the best I can.

I have to go make dinner. Mikhail is throwing a fit because I won’t let him go to his friends because everything is wet outside and I don’t need them riding bikes or getting their shoes ruined. So until next time… which might be tomorrow because I have a therapy appointment with my new therapist tomorrow!

written on at 5:32 pm || Filed under: Anxiety, Health, Ohana, Parenting, Work

One Response to “Long Day”

  1. Sheri says:

    I hope things go well at the gastroenterologist, and they have a solution that includes coffee!

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