The world is so lonely.

I haven’t had anyone to talk to. Fuck mom. Haven’t spoken to Krystal. Talked to Sarah on FB messenger.

I feel like I have to censor myself.

Yesterday, we came home from basketball. Mikhail woke up with a headache. He took some meds, we went to basketball, he did great. We came home and he wasn’t himself. Mike left. Which was fine. He was home all last weekend and they still had a lot of work to complete. So, whatever, go.

Mikhail was good most of the afternoon. About 10 minutes before his friend arrived for their sleepover, his headache came back. He took his meds. His friend arrived. They went upstairs. Nick comes downstairs about 15 minutes later and I asked him, “What are they doing upstairs?”

He replied with, “Mikhail is laying on his bed and Brayden is standing watching TV.” Shit! I go upstairs. Mikhail is curled up in a blanket and practically passed out as his friend stood there unsure what to do. I asked Brayden what he wanted to do. He said, stay. I said hmm, OK. Let’s give Mikhail a couple of minutes to let his medicine kick in. I gave him a 55-gallon tote of legos and told him to build a ginormous city. He was excited and started it right away. I gave it a couple of minutes and went back downstairs. Ugh. Shit! I go back upstairs about 10 minutes later. Brayden has built a couple of things, Mikhail’s out cold. I try waking him up. He’s lethargic. He’s complaining he’s freezing cold under one of the warmest blankets in the house. I feel him, he’s burning up. I explain to Brayden that he’s just gonna have to go home. He says, “I’ll just go to bed now. We’ll wake up and play tomorrow.” Oh, buddy. I go downstairs and text Mike. I explain what’s going on and he basically tells me it’s kinda pointless to have Brayden there if Mikhail is completely passed out. Agreed. I call Brayden’s mom and explain to her what’s going on. I apologize three hundred times. Both boys perk up and start fighting with me about “no, we’re fine!” Mikhail even goes as far as does a bunch of jumping jacks in the hallway. I’m like, “Sorry boys. I don’t know if what Mikhail has is contagious and I would HATE for Brayden to take this home with him.” Tina told me she’d have Ryan come pick up Brayden shortly. I apologized again to everyone. The boys were disappointed but -shrugs- what can you do?

10 minutes later, Brayden’s dad arrived and picked him up. The boys came downstairs, shot me with a few NERF darts, and fought it but eventually gave in. Mikhail, without saying a word, turned off all the lights upstairs and went and passed out in bed. It was 6 pm.

Nick played on the Xbox a while and went to bed later on.

Around 9 pm, I realized I hadn’t eaten the entire day. Ever since I stopped this medication, I have absolutely no appetite. I forget to eat all the time. I have to force myself to eat when I remember. I ate some food and went to bed. Mike still wasn’t home and I had no clue when he was getting back.

I tossed and turned all night. Every time I woke up, I had some new anxiety or anxious thought in my head. Around 1 am, I woke up with an extremely upset stomach. It was rumbling and growling so incredibly loud I thought for sure I’d wake up Mike. I tried going to the bathroom with no such luck. I finally made my way downstairs to get some Pepto. I went back to bed after a while.

Around 3 am, I woke up super anxious realizing I hadn’t checked on Mikhail since he went and passed out at 6 pm. I went and checked on him and felt his head to see if he had a fever. He felt warm. He woke up. I asked him if I could give him some medicine. He said OK. I went back downstairs and got him two doses of meds. I gave him one and put the other on his dresser. He took a couple of drinks of water and passed right back out again.

I attempted to fall back asleep. I tossed and turned for hours. I finally woke up around 8 am. Mikhail was laying in bed watching tv. I asked how he was doing. He said fine. I gave him some more water. I refilled the humidifier. I went to the bathroom finally. My stomach finally settled. I lysoled his entire room, the bathroom upstairs, and all his electronics. I told him to come downstairs when he felt a little better or call me if he needed anything but I needed to run to the grocery store so I’ll have Dad listen for him.

I went and told Mike I planned to go to the store. He was incredibly crabby. Not towards me, but in general. Whatever. I blew it off and waited a little while to see if my stomach was completely settled. I chugged a bunch of water, and went and threw it up. That finally settled my stomach and I didn’t feel nauseated anymore. I left to go to the store.

I ended up buying a bunch of stuff that wasn’t on my list including some produce that the family requested and I’m not about to deny my family produce when they ask for it because they NEVER eat produce. I found some excellent deals on some ribs and chicken wings. I spent $71 total. Over my $50 challenge, but under my $125 budget, so still good in my head. Still a win.

I came home and called Mike upstairs. I showed him what I got him. He didn’t care. Again, he was super crabby. I said, “Fine. Can you take this stuff downstairs?” “What stuff?!” Hold on. “Well don’t call me up here and not be ready…” *big breath* I throw the bags towards him and tell him here! He takes it downstairs. I put the rest of the stuff away and go downstairs. “I don’t know what I did to piss you off this time but I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” He had almost the entire freezer emptied and he reorganized it all. Whatever. I went upstairs.

I went upstairs to check on Mikhail about 30 times. He kept saying he was bored and hungry but refused to leave his bed. Nick was loving it because he was on the Xbox all morning.

Mike came upstairs a few hours later and was in the talking mood. All was well in the world once again. -shrugs- Whatever. So, we talk. he goes outside to work on something on his truck. He comes in and out of the house all afternoon. He comes in and I ask him how his night went yesterday. He talked to me for a good 20 minutes and left to run to the store.

Mike came home and asked me to throw a pizza into the oven in a little bit. I made lunch and Mikhail FINALLY came downstairs. We all ate a little bit.

Mikhail’s been on the Xbox ever since. Mike’s been downstairs. Nick’s been SO BORED now that he doesn’t have the Xbox.

I attempted to fall asleep on the couch. Mikhail kept talking to me as though I wasn’t trying to attempt to nap.

I have two loads of laundry that never got folded in the basement.

I’m just LONELY. I don’t have anyone to talk to like I used to. I’m used to being on the phone for hours while Mike’s gone away all day. I’m used to talking to my Mom or sister for hours while he’s in the basement all day long.

Mike’s a super quiet guy. He talks only when necessary. I cannot use him to gossip. I cannot use him to discuss what I’m doing in my life whether it’s my budget, or weight loss, or anything.

Then again, I can’t do that with anyone really.

My mom… yea, not speaking to her.

My sister, she looks at me as ‘oh Nikki’s being perfect again. Perfect Nikki with her perfect life.’ I can’t talk to her about anything! She always makes comments about how my life is so perfect and I do everything so perfectly. I talk about work “oh Nikki’s striving at work again. Your bosses love you. Everything you do is perfect.”

Not speaking to my dad. He hasn’t called. Whatever. If he wanted to be apart of my life, he would do more than post pictures on FB saying “If you love your daughters like and share this picture”. Whatever.

I don’t know. I just got to accept people don’t want to hear my bullshit. It’s a lonely world.

With that being said, I lost 17lbs since December 01st. I took a comparison picture from today and when we were at Disney.

I guess I’ll end this entry here. The boys are fighting over the Xbox.

written on at 6:50 pm || Filed under: Accomplishments, Ohana, Weight Loss

One Response to “Lonely.”

  1. Sheri says:

    I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely. I can imagine how difficult it would be to go from having someone to talk to all day to nothing. But then also congrats on the weight loss!

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