So, I think I was able to nip the mania in the butt, just in time. Not without a major blowout fight with Mike first. Totally my fault, I started it, I ended it. It was unnecessary and I picked a fight with him on Easter Sunday. We didn’t scream or shout, no, we fought via Facebook messenger. I said my words, he said his. I laid in bed and he went on a bike ride with the boys. I took a bath while they were gone. He came home, I was downstairs, we never said we were sorry or apologized for what was said. We went on with our day as though it never happened. He knew I was emotional and out of control and he did his best to not play into the mania evil and fight back. He said his peace and I said mine and we were done with it.

Monday I lasted almost my entire shift. I VTO’d at 3:15 pm. Why I couldn’t stay those last 45 minutes was beyond me. The boys were home all day long. They had off school. They were home alone all day long and what were an extra 45 minutes?! I don’t know why I left, but I did. I walked out and didn’t look back once I was approved. I came home and wouldn’t you believe it, THEY WERE FINE! Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. VTO’d for nothing. Oh well.

Monday and Tuesday I made a few phone calls to the psych doctor. We agreed it was time to up my Lithium up another tablet. So far it’s helped. I haven’t decided if I’m at a good medium or if I need to go one more. Time will tell, I guess.

Wednesday I puked and took two tablets of Lithium which made me sick. I went to work and managed to stay the entire day. Thursday was another story. I VTO’d as soon as I got there and they let me go at 11 am. I felt so sick from the Lithium toxicity.

Today I stayed my entire shift! GO ME! I HAVE HAVE HAVE HAVE HAAAAAAAAAVE to start staying my ENTIRE shift EVERY day EVERY week. They are not going to hire me as a core CCR if I do not start staying my entire shift, every single day when they need me. I have to keep my occurrences down. No more than 2 occurrences or as little as possible by November. That’s a lot of months to pass that nothing will go wrong. Ugh! That’s tough. Maybe I’ll do what my Mom said. Save up as much money as possible over the summer, have a good emergency fund put together for the holidays and all my bills, then go back next year for another season with full experience with what to expect with the boys being at school/home and during summer. There’s a lot of what ifs and could be’s that could happen over the next six months. Sure, I want to bust my ass and do the best I can but I can’t even seem to get it right and we’re only 2 months in. Fucking idiot. Why can’t I fully function as a normal adult?!

I said today after I was done with my measly seven-hour shift, I wish I could bottle up the sense of accomplishment I feel after completing an entire shift – a good shift – one that felt great. I want to bottle that up so those days that I feel like leaving, I won’t because I know that feeling I feel after I have accomplished it. I have the same problem with exercise. It’s a problem of completing it. I know how great I feel after it’s done but I cannot muster up that feeling of accomplishment ENOUGH to bring myself to fully do it and complete it.

Someone once told me it was because I was afraid of being successful. I don’t know what about the success that I’m fearful of. That feeling I have once I accomplish something always feels amazing. Why can’t I remind myself of that feeling when I’m having a moment of weakness and don’t want to achieve that goal? Guess that’s something I need to figure out.

written on at 6:34 pm || Filed under: Accomplishments, Life with Bipolar

2 Responses to “Just In Time”

  1. Sheri says:

    When I’m in the midst of feeling inadequate, or feeling like I’m failing, I have a difficult time remembering the things I have been able to accomplish. I have to really make an effort to think about the end result, and then I often doubt that I’ll be able to achieve that same level of accomplishment. I doubt my self-worth so much that I tend to think that being successful was a fluke. Maybe we fear success because we feel we’re not worthy of it, nor do we believe in ourselves enough to be convinced we can do it again. I know you can be successful, I see you keep trying day after day. Do you think that maybe your definition of success might be too close to perfection, thus setting yourself up for what you might perceive as failure?

  2. Kya says:

    It sounds like you are going through a rough time at the moment. I really hope things will pick up and that you are able to do a full shift more often and feel proud of your accomplishments. For a long time, I had trouble doing certain things because I didn’t feel like I deserved to do them, which sounds kind of bizarre now. #mycrazynoodlebrainlogic

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