I had a rough day. I’ve had a rough past two weeks.

Mike’s grandfather passed away on the 24th. We went up north and at his funeral that weekend (two weekends ago). I had a rough time. I bottled everything up in a way to be supportive for Mike. I powered through everything. Sure, I cried, but I was as supportive as I could be for him. Well, on Monday, when we were home and ready to go back to work and get ready, my body said no more and shut down. Mikhail stayed home from camp so I was worried about the boys being home. I got to work and felt alright. I was ready for the day ahead. Slowly but surely my body started shutting down. My eyes became more and more droopy. I couldn’t function right. My words coming out of my mouth were wrong and nothing was happening how I wanted it to. I grew tired. I grew so tired that my body literally started shutting down and I couldn’t take calls. I couldn’t say anything right, I couldn’t do anything right. I was just so tired. Finally, I gave up. I went into my manager’s office and said I couldn’t do it anymore and told her I was going home for the day. I came home and Nick asked what was wrong and why was I home. I said, “Please be good, I’m going to sleep.” I went upstairs and slept for 3.5 solid straight hours. I never nap. I mean, I never EVER nap. I slept that day. I woke up and felt a little better but not right. I kinda laid low that night.

The next day was better, and the day after that was a little better after that.

It wasn’t until today that it happened again. I had no way out of it though.

Today was the first day of no camp. No more camp. That means the boys will spend the next four weeks together. Arguing and fighting and being at each other’s throats doing exactly what Mikhail says because Mikhail rules the house. Even though Grandma and Grandpa were home today, I was still nervous.

Today had the possibility of moving my desk. This brought great anxiety. I didn’t know if I was going to walk into a comment on my desk telling me to move my desk or what. I didn’t know if I’d still have a job. Sure, it’s been tossed around that “I’ll always have a job at DHL” but that doesn’t mean I’ll be hired on as a permanent employee. There was a lot of uneasiness going on at work. I was nervous.

So, naturally, what did I do? I took an anxiety pill. I woke up 2 hours before I had to leave to give me time to wake up. I drank my coffee slowly. Then I puked. I puked so hard my teeth flew out and went down into the toilet. I got to fish them out almost elbow deep in pukey water. That was fun. I had 4 minutes to leave work and I was puking and shitting my guts out. This happens every single Thursday, well not to this extent, but I was anxious and there was nothing that was going to fix it.

I text Mike tell him I was having a rough time.

In short terms, he basically said he had no advice. He just didn’t know. He didn’t know what to tell me and that *I* needed to figure it out. I didn’t need to take advice from anyone else but that *I* needed to figure it out for myself. I also needed to stop relying on the meds for everything. “You’re not abusing your meds, don’t take it that way, but you keep taking the max dosage of your pills every single day then you’re going to lose effectiveness over time.”

I took that harshly. That kinda downward spiraled me.

I have nothing. I have no one. I have nothing or anyone to save me.

I have no vice. I have not one single thing to bring me down. “You need to meditate” my mind races SO much I cannot meditate. My mind goes 300 mph that I’m unable to focus on one single thought. I cannot even repeat something over and over in my head without other thousands of thoughts intruding.

I keep going back to the thought of smoking… smoking relaxed me. I’d go outside and have time to myself and alone with my cigarette and just breathe… yea I’d be smoking but I’d be meditating and breathing and relaxing and that I do not have anymore.

I have no one to talk to. I’ve literally pushed every single person away that I have because people are so sick of my anxiety shit that they just don’t want to hear anymore.

Just get over it.

Just figure it out.

Find a way.

I’m at a stand still. I don’t know what more to do. I feel depressed. I feel defeated.

I don’t want to go give up. I’m me. I won’t give up. I’m not allowed. I’m not allowed to be broken. I’m not allowed to crack. I’m not allowed to be anything but perfect and what people want me to be.

The boys being home still gives me debilitating anxiety. But you know what? No one cares. Why? Because people once did care and tried to help but nothing they said was enough for me to get it through my head to believe it. So people gave up. People didn’t want to continue telling me the same shit over and over again so they gave up. They can give up but I can’t? Why can’t I give up?

People are counting on me, but I cannot count on people.

Mike told me words I needed to hear. They hurt. They did. I needed to hear them. Get over it. Figure it out. The boys are fine. The boys are fine.

Except no one sees the bullshit I do. Like when I walk in the door and it’s instant NICK DID THIS, MIKHAIL DID THIS! “Oh, I didn’t eat today.” Why not? “I don’t know. I couldn’t’ figure out what to eat.” So many more examples I cannot piece together right now. Leaves me more anxious just listening to more and more shit they did or didn’t do each day.

I gotta figure out. Fucking get over it.

The boys are gonna be together for less than four weeks. They did it last summer. Yes you’re doing it for more hours, and an extra day this year. They will figure it out. Why is this so fucking hard for you!?

I need something to release my pent up emotions, but how can I do that when I can’t self-soothe and no one wants to listen to my shit.

I dont know but I got to figure it out.

written on at 7:00 pm || Filed under: Uncategorized

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