I’ve been talking for some time about how I’ve just been absolutely horrible lately. I don’t know what “normal” is anymore. I don’t know what it feels like to go through a day and not get so frustrated that I want to throw things or scream at the top of my lungs. I don’t go through one day without feeling completely worthless and not good enough. I have been beating myself up a lot more lately, and I’m not quite sure why. I just, feel so, underachieved?  There are culprits to why I feel this way, and this weekend has a lot to do with it and how everything has been going.

After the bull shit that happened on Friday with the doctors offices… (I just remembered, I left you guys hanging on what happened next.) Alright, quick run down of what happened and the ending of the story for last week regarding my medical issues: After speaking to the the second doctors office I called last week and having them tell me that I was ineligible for insurance for July. I got that screening with the nurse done. She called and we talked on the phone for over 45 minutes. She asked me everything, I responded truthfully, honestly, and shamefully. I hated admitting out loud to some of the things I’ve been going through (including the feelings I’m feeling towards myself and my kids.) She asked if I was suicidal and asked if i was acting upon any of the thoughts (with cutting, or overdosing – any form of self mutilations), after explaining that the thought of worthlessness was there, but no self mutilations she pretty much was done asking any further questions.  She told me she’d call me back and let me know what the Doctor says, and whether or not I’m in need of such intensive care. He agreed that I did, and that I should start being seen right away. That’s always such a wonderful feeling, a doctor saying that I need to come in ASAP and that I need intensive care by just the little bit they heard over the phone. Just proves to me how bad this really has gotten. Anyways, to continue a LONG story short… They told me also, that my insurance wasn’t active, that it was turned off on June 30th, and that I would obviously need that taken care of first before coming in. I contacted my caseworker (again) and they told me that all the information was sent to the supervisor and should be updated within 72 hours (so by Tuesday, Wednesday?).  I can call the doctors office back on probably Wednesday and/or Thursday and try to set something up. Here are my fears:

• I’m going to have to get committed and won’t be in “partial care” but instead be stuck on suicidal watch.
• My insurance still hasn’t gone through so I will just have to continue to call over and over again.
• … What am I going to do with the kids? We are talking 9am – 3pm for 5 days a week (unsure of the # of weeks). I have absolutely no idea or clue what I’m going to be able to do with the kids. Who will watch them for that long? It’s not like I have unlimited babysitter access. *sigh* That’s the thing, I have to do this regardless of what I have being available to me. There is no other options.

Continuing on… Saturday night we went to our friend’s party. It was a fairly enjoyable time. There really isn’t too much to report about it. Other than the fact that, after seeing the photos, I’m completely disgusted with myself.

I am so disgusted with myself in those photos. Yuck. I have gained so much weight back since Mikhail was born. Aside from just not eating, and/or throwing up my food that I do get down, I don’t know of any other ways my body allows weight to be loss. You figure, for nine months, I went without eating much of anything with being pregnant. Then, I’m suddenly able to eat, I’m depressed, I overeat. I eat stuff that I shouldn’t and BAM! 40lbs gained later… *sigh* You ever have those really bad, “I feel ugly. Fat. Unpretty…” etc type of days? I’m having a week like that, and I don’t think it’s going to go away by itself anytime soon. Why can’t I just take pills, for everything, to get better. I don’t care what it will do to me, I just want to be better. My health is absolutely horrid. I have to get more teeth pulled. I’m “obese” according to all the regulations, which I don’t doubt because I’m fat as hell. *sigh* I’m just completely unhappy with myself.

I went driving yesterday with Mike’s Mom. Mike pretty much pissed me off because his mom had offered for us to go on Saturday but we didn’t because I didn’t know what time he wanted to leave. So, we didn’t go. On Sunday after getting there she said “Alright. Whose taking Nikki driving and whose watching the kids?” Gee, surprise, surprise… no one spoke up. No one said anything. That made me feel WONDERFUL. Its like, alright why not just tell me to my face “No. I want absolutely nothing to do with you, or your need to learn how to drive.” That would probably been more subtle and feel better. Mike, especially pissed me off with this. He’s always saying “I’ll do whatever it takes to help you. I’ll do whatever it takes to get your license and be here for you and blah blah blah…” He didn’t speak up yesterday. NOT ONCE has he said “Hey. Let’s go driving. Here, you drive…” NOTHING. Fucking god. That pisses me the fuck off. I told him yesterday, “I never again want to hear you say I will do whatever it takes to help you, because you won’t do ANYTHING that it takes to do it. You love me, you want me to be happy but you want nothing to do with doing the things that NEED to be done to make it that way.” He said nothing else. We basically didn’t speak the rest of the night. And of course, he said nothing before bed. So I don’t know what kind of terms we’re at right now. Its like, when I tell him something that really upsets/bothers me… he just keeps whatever he needs to say to himself, and expects me to just cool down with time. I can’t do that! I won’t do that. That is exactly what happens to… He says nothing. I say nothing. I just get more and more pissed off, while he feels as though its calming the situation. Then three days later, I snap, or get super pissed off and start a fight about it because I just fucking want him to say SOMETHING regarding it. UGH!!! I just wish… if he sits here and acts like such a great boyfriend and such a great help, that he actually keeps his promises that he makes. Don’t say you’d do anything to help me when you’re not willing to do ANYTHING.

I don’t have much else to say. I’ve just been trying to do everything at once, but do it one step at a time. That’s not working out for me. I want to change about 500 things about my health. I want to change and rehaul my life. I want to do everything. Obviously I can’t think of it that way, because all that happens is I get overwhelmed, stressed, and then give up. *sigh* I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything better. Maybe and IF I get this intensive therapy like the doctors are proposing it will make things easier for me to fix in other places of my life. We’ll see what happens.

Written on Monday July 13th, 2009 at 7:50am || Filed under: Health, Life with Bipolar ||