I’ve decided I can’t get better right now

Date posted: Sunday November 8th, 2009 || Filed under: Life with Bipolar || 2 Comments

I have two young children, and I don’t have the time NOR ability to do trial and error with medications until I find one that is right for me. If I had the ability to sleep for two weeks straight while my body adjusted to the new pills, or didn’t have to get up to rock a crying baby in the middle of the night. Maybe it would be possible… unfortunately my life doesn’t call for getting better right now…

I love when people say “if you don’t take care of yourself, because you put your children first, what’s going to happen when you’re not there to be able to take care of them because you didn’t put yourself first?” because quite honestly I CAN’T PUT MYSELF FIRST. I took pills, one combination made me so wicked tired that I literally couldn’t lift my body out of bed to get up for my son. Yes, I have Mike to help me… but are these pills going to pay the bills when Mike loses his job because he has to call in to take care of the kids because I’m physically unable to because of these medications? How about the fact that I had to go to the hospital for severe dehydration because the next set of pills I was on made me forget to eat/drink.

I get that all pills don’t do that… but I also get that your body has to get USED to the pills for them to be able to work properly. I don’t have time, ability, patience, or resources to allow my body to that time to get used to them.

… not to mention the fact that the ONLY doctor I was able to find in the past year because I have bull shit state insurance FELL ASLEEP ON ME. Yea. I’m not returning…

So, needless to say, I’m going to have to put a break on my treatment, therapy, and my get-better-now scheme that I had going on.

If I had the ability to get locked away in the hospital for a few weeks, without having to worry about what was going to happen to the kids while this happened – I would. So I could take all the pills I would need to take, sleep off the effects until my body adjusts, then be able to function regularly, with meds, and come out.  That won’t happen either.

… speaking of which. Mike’s mom calls me the other day informing me his aunt – which one one seems to like lately because quite honestly the bull shit she pulls is ridiculous – is in the mental hospital for threatening her life. She’s sitting here telling me about how her brother has to now take off work to watch/take care of her two children. It almost – to me – sounded like she was saying she was selfish for going to the hospital because she felt suicidal. I’m sorry, but that’s wrong. Not knowing his Aunt, or the story behind, you’d understand why she would think that way about her … either way I couldn’t side with what she had said. I told her straight out “Honestly, if I knew how, I’d do the same thing just to get better. I don’t want to have to put that pressure on Mike so I push it in the back of my mind and just deal with it. Yes, someday I might snap, but there’s nothing I can do for now…” It really hit a soft spot with me to hear what she had said… I almost came to the point of asking her, “What is it exactly that you want me to say about this subject? I have nothing to say. It was her choice, and I know where both of them are coming from. I feel suicidal sometimes, too. There is nothing I can do about it.” Thus the reason for my tweets yesterday – You don’t wake up and choose to feel suicidal. It just happens. You don’t wake up and choose that your life, no matter how great, isn’t worth while.

While I know my choice to not go back to get medication and to see a therapist isn’t a good decision. I don’t have much of a choice otherwise. My insurance is absolute crap… The treatment I’m getting isn’t even helping me. The medication is a joke. I don’t have much of a choice at this point.