As most of you know, I’ve been extremely manic lately. As a matter of fact, I’ve been soaring. I have done more in the past month that I’ve done in probably the past two or three years. I feel like I can conquer the world without a doubt in my mind. I’m at peace with a lot of things going on, or that have gone on in the past. I am content where my life is and everywhere that I don’t feel content, I’m doing something about it. Some of the things that I’ve done since 2010 include;

• Taking Matt to court and while not getting the justice I was expecting, I got all our child support we deserved.
• I’ve been taking Wellbutrin to quit smoking. I have also been reading a new book; “The Easy Way To Stop Smoking” which has 500 five star reviews from people that quit smoking after reading this book, or quit smoking the second time reading it. More about this later though…
• I’ve decided to diet, and be true to it. We went grocery shopping and I bought a ton of healthy food. I’m still working on proportion control, but it’s all healthy food that I’m eating too much of.
• I’ve seen my new physician (general doctor) and have been getting everything taken care of with my health. He did a ton of blood work on me, just to be sure I’m alright in all those aspects. I’m also, most importantly, getting my carpal tunnel taken care of. More on this later also…
• I’ve schedule to see the actual Psychiatrist at the medication clinic that I was at previously. (I was only seeing a nurse practitioner before that) That isn’t until mid February, but everything that I’m doing coincides with all that I think I’ll be able to do more so when I have the proper medication cocktail.
• I have been educating myself on all there is to know about bipolar, medications, and treatment. I want to go to the doctors office with an educated mind; That way when they attempt to yet again prescribe me anti-psychotics, I’ll kindly ask them to just give me my first mood stabilizer to try. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar since I was 13 years old, and never once have I been on a mood stabilizer. I’m just trying to figure out what the hell I’m saying wrong to these people where they believe I need an anti-depressant, or anti-psychotic!? I know the last time, I said something about being paranoid a lot (I later found out this wasn’t due to bipolar, but due to my control I was under with my ex, and I’m paranoid that Mike feels the same way) and so she gave me anti-psychotics. No more being pushed around. I know what I’m talking about now (for the most part, not really, but I can at least act like I do)
• I’ve been spending a lot more time focusing on the kids and my family. I used to hide my face in my laptop for HOURS just not caring what was going on around me. It was my escape from the drama and stresses of life. I wouldn’t ever spend time with my kids because I would make excuses that I “had work to do”. I’m doing a lot better with this.
• The boys and myself all fully have doctors picked out. There will be no more massive phone calls to the insurance companies to figure out what the hell kind of doctors I can get myself or the kids.
• My bills (but one, that I’m currently fighting, long story) are completely paid off.
• I opened a savings account for Nickolas using a huge portion of the child support money I got.
• I paid Mike’s Mom back for everything she bought and did for us when we weren’t able to buy Nick’s school clothes/supplies.
• I’ve held strong with not calling Matt and asking him why he hasn’t taken his son. I’m not putting up the effort anymore.
• I’ve been a better person all around. I’ve been helping out a lot of friends with a lot problems they’re having. Normally I don’t even listen half the time because I’m too depressed and off in my own little world. I offer advice, but it’s never thoughtful as much as it is right now.
• I filled out, completed, and submitted my FAFSA forms for college. I was thinking about possibly attending in the fall, but I’m not sure at this point. We’re discussing all possibilities.

So everything I wrote above sounds great, right? Yea, its great alright. I’m very proud, and I feel very accomplished. These are things I’ve wanted to work on for a very long time; Sadly, due to depression, I felt as though I couldn’t or it wasn’t worth it. So, you’re probably wondering, “Nikkole, you’ve been doing a great job! Why are you so worried? You should feel accomplished! Be proud of what you’ve overcome and done in the past few weeks, instead of being down.”

Here’s my problem; I’m going to crash. I know I’m going to crash at some point. There is no fighting it. It could take a week, a month, hell maybe even a year. Either way. I’m bipolar, and someday, I will crash. I’m so scared that when I crash, I’m not going to give a flying fuck about ANYTHING I’ve done above. I have done this many many times in the past!

When I’m manic, I’m manic. There’s nothing more to it than that. I rage like the worst PMSin’ bitch you have ever known. I stay awake for days and days without a single feeling of exhaustion. My house is clean due to the fact that I can’t sit down knowing there’s a cheerio on the floor and Mikhail is asleep so there’s no need for it to be there. My thoughts are racing to the point where I seriously don’t make a single god damn ounce of sense when I’m talking to ANYONE (in person, I do a good job online, for the most part… just a lot of typos) … damn I got an instant message, and I completely lost my train of thought.

Anyways, I fear I’m going to crash. Because I am “up so high” right now; I know when I do crash, its going to be hard. I’m trying to prevent that, but really, what can you really do to prevent the inevitable. I’m just worried. I’m honest to god, scared of this when it happens. I’m really happy (although, that’s a false sense of happy) but nonetheless.

… I keep losing my train of thought tonight … So I’m going to just it with that.

Written on Wednesday January 20th, 2010 at 8:05pm || Filed under: Life with Bipolar ||