I have been really slacking these past few weeks with this blog. I notice in previous years past when I was working I did the same thing. I hardly post during the times I’m working. Then years later, I go back and read the posts near the end (Aug – October) to find out how I was doing and I don’t have anything.

I’m freaking out.

They keep moving my desk.

On Monday,  they temporarily moved everyone’s desk to the front and I FREAKED out. I was at Ryan’s desk. There was shit everywhere. The chair was all the way to the floor and tilted forward and uncomfortable. His stuff on his screen was moved around everywhere but where I needed them to be. I ended up throwing up so much earlier that morning. I must have just known something was up. I was sick and once I got to work I was worse. I went and talked to Erika and took the occurrence and came home.

I had a medication change on Friday. I upped my lithium and risperidone. Both. Together. I became restless and antsy – risperidone. I got sick and felt like I had the flu – lithium. I lowered it as of Sunday and am still feeling the effects of it.

Today was slightly better. I still VTO’d due to anxiety and panic at noon.

Erika wasn’t in the office today. I was bound and determined to talk to her about my seating arrangement and ask if I can be put up front ASAP so I don’t have to move around anymore.

I went over the scenario over and over in my head and the 1 thing I didn’t plan for? Her not being there. I freaked. I tried talking to the head manager of the call center but he was busy all day.

SO, I vto’d.

I think I’ve come to the terms that I might not get hired on. I’ll take the winter off. That’s fine by me. I’ll take the winter off, rack up my credit cards by paying for whatever I need to pay for, Christmas included. Whatever. I’ll take off the winter and just relax and chill and bring myself back to zen. I’m totally OK with not working through the winter and going back to work next season. Hell, I do that from now on. Work a season, leave, come back the next season. I’ve accepted that this is a possibility. I’ve come to terms with it.

I think that’s what has helped me get through the past two weeks.

These past two weeks I’ve stayed at work EVERY SINGLE DAY (minus this week). Last two weeks I have stayed the entire day all week long. I am going to have my first FULL pay check for the first time in months.

I’m really distracted. Rapid cycling or mixed episodes are in full effect. I’ll end this here.

written on at 8:13 pm || Filed under: Anxiety, Work

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