Now that everything is erased and I’m starting over fresh, I need an introduction. Allow me to introduce myself, I am Nikki. That is not my given name but I have an unique way of spelling “Nicole”. I don’t want to broadcast all over Google search engines with my blogs so I’m going to go as Nikki from here on out. I am a little over protective of my identity when it comes to Google and this blog but we’re not going to get in to that for now. Here’s some things you should know about me:

I am twenty-nine years old. I was born on July 30th in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and have lived within city limits ever since. I have become quite the quiet, reserved individual, but I was once the opposite of that. I fear judgement from others and because of that I tend to limit what I say and do to please people. It’s something I’m currently working on among many other things. I write a lot of goals and have big things in mind when it comes to myself, my family, and my lifestyle choices. I am a pretty organized person that strives on structure, routines, and schedules. One day of change usually throws off my entire week. I live for writing to-do lists, grocery lists, meal planning lists, and pretty much every other list you can think of. I recently became apart of the planner world and now I have only three ways of keeping track of my dates, times, schedules, and routines.

Along with being big in to the newly discovered planner world, I also love coffee, social media, web design, blogging, pixeling and pixel art, scrapbooking, and the world of adult coloring. I have many hobbies but I have poor time management skills. Normally when I get in to something I do it full strength without much time for anything else; that is until I grow bored with it and choose to pick up one of my other favorites.

Something that might explain the reason I’m like this is because I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was 13 years old. Back then they called it ‘manic depression’. After years of attempts at finding the right doctors, diagnosis, and medication cocktails I was finally able to establish a great relationship with my current psychiatrist. We have been seeing each other for roughly four years. I have tried many things but I am currently stabilized while taking Lithium, Risperidal, Ambien, Wellbutrin, and Klonopin. Quite the medication cocktail, eh? I would like to believe sometimes that someday I’ll be cured and I won’t have to deal with taking all these meds and dealing with the side effects but let’s face it, I’m doing the best I have been doing in years and I don’t want to screw that up now.

Another thing I’ve been diagnosed with more recently is having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It’s not the OCD you’re thinking of where you either have to touch the light switch thirteen times but I have to have order in many aspects of my life, explaining the routine and schedules. I also suffer from a form of OCD where I obsess over the possibilities of various outcomes of things. For instance, every single time I get in to the car I think to myself, “I could be in a car accident today.” I think obsess the entire time while being in the car that I’m going to be in an accident. I have alleviated some of my worries and anxiety by doing things more cautiously but it’s something I’m working on. I tend to have my mind jump to the worse possible conclusion for everything. This also explains my constant negative thinking.

Sounds like a whole lot of mess, right? I am me. I do the best I can to my best abilities. I suffer from a lot more but we’re going to leave that for another time. I haven’t even explained who is apart of my life yet!

My second half is Mike. We have been dating for ten years since January 2005 and engaged since April 2006. We haven’t jumped in to marriage just yet for personal and financial reasons but we do love each other passionately and very much so what’s a piece of paper? We have had our ups and downs, sickness and health but we’re together for the long haul.

I also have two boys, Nick (12) and Mikhail (6). They’re the reason I get out of bed every single morning and face the day head on instead of hiding from the world and wasting away to nothing. Nickolas and I met Mike after Nick’s dad, Matt and I attempted to rekindle our relationship after a year of being apart but thankfully, we failed. Four years later, Mike and I had Mikhail.  It’s been quite a bumpy road that we have traveled on together, the four of us, but we’re doing the best we can with what we’re dealt with.

Nick is a very bright boy that has a lot of emotional grief on his plate due to his dad. He has been recently struggling in school and it’s something we’re working very hard on together. Matt disappeared since April 2014. He called and spoke to Nick once on Nick’s birthday in October 2014 then we didn’t speak to him again until his birthday of 2015. Nick saw him for a few hours but we haven’t heard from Matt since. I doubt we will either. Oh boy. It’s such a long story and some day I will be willing to tell it but I’m trying not to overwhelm anyone reading this.

Mikhail started off very quiet and reserved. He has anger issues and we had fears about him starting school. We had him evaluated when he was four years old and we were told he would need special education at a special school. We chose that going to school with Nick with regular teachers would be his best chance. To our surprise, he absolutely succeeded! He received rave reviews from his teacher in 4K. When he entered in kindergarten he received “Student of the Month” and the Honor Roll EACH trimester throughout the year. He was excelling in everything he did at school. However, we still had problems with his attitude and anger at home. Another thing we are all working on together.

I love my three boys with all my heart and I couldn’t imagine my life with out them. I have days where I’m ready to rip out my hair because I have a hard time coping and dealing with the hardships and the small things that rattle our cages but that’s because I have such high expectations for everyone including myself.

I tend to talk about the bad things just to get them out in the open and vent. I use blogging and social media as an outlet for the many emotions that run wild in my mind and soul. This usually gets me in trouble though. I’ve been told in the past that I’m far too negative and that reading my posts makes them sad. I have been told that I’m an over-sharer and I believe that to be true but yet I continue to do it. I also tend to look for others for advice but get upset when it’s not something I want to hear yet I can dish it out.

So that’s the quick run down of me. I hope I didn’t confuse any of you and gave you a small insight to my mind and all the things you’ll see here on this blog.

Welcome to my world. I hope you enjoy the ride. I hope to help people who are dealing with the same things as me. I want someone to read this and say “thank you for writing this, it makes me feel so much better knowing someone deals with the same things!” I’m far from being an advocate for anything. I just want to tell my story, vent my emotions, and say my peace. Thank you for letting me do that with you.

Any questions, feel free to ask! I’m willing to answer just about anything. I am a pretty open book. Thanks again. Until next time…

written on at 8:42 pm || Filed under: Life with Bipolar, Ohana

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