So, I’ve recently decided that I wanted to be a bit more open and “truthful” about who I really am. Although I’ve never lied about who I am on my blog – I’ve hidden all the deep, dark stuff that makes me less of a person to some.  I have come to the decision that I’m going to be as truthful, honest, and open as much as I can from now on. If I offend someone, guess they shouldn’t read. If I upset someone, guess they should go find someone else’s shoulder to cry on. I’m done hiding who I really am in fear of upsetting people.  Maybe this will not last very long – For I have a larger fear of judgement and how others see me. - But i’m trying to disregard that and move on. I talk about how I’m bipolar often – Majority of people have NO IDEA what the hell it is. I’m going to try to enlighten you on what it is that goes through my mind.

So what is “bipolar”? Found at : “http://facingbipolar.com”
People with bipolar disorder have 2 different mood extremes: “depression” and “mania.” An episode of depression or mania can last for days, weeks, months, or, rarely, years. A person with untreated bipolar disorder may have more than 10 total episodes of depression and mania during his or her lifetime. Between episodes, you may have mild symptoms or no obvious symptoms at all. But even if you’re symptom-free, you will always have the condition.

Quite honestly, I don’t understand the ‘episodes’ at all. I have what is called “mixed states” quite often. This is where I will have mania at one time and then depression at another – all in one day’s time.

So what is “mania” and “depression”? Found at : “http://facingbipolar.com”

• Bipolar depression is an “extreme low” kind of mood. During an episode of depression, people feel sad or empty and lose interest in doing things that they usually enjoyed. It’s also common to be slower in thinking and movements or sometimes be agitated. A person may have less energy and need more or less sleep than usual
• Bipolar mania is an “extreme high” mood. During a manic high, people feel unusually euphoric. It’s common to be overly talkative, have lots of energy, and need little sleep. Some people experience an increased sex drive or exhibit increased sexual behavior or out-of-control spending.
  

So, that’s the “textbook definition” but what about my thoughts? I don’t know, to be honest. I was never diagnosed with bipolar – just “maniac depression – which I was told is one of the same.

If you look back at my entries – you find something particular – Everything changes from day to day.  I go from extremely happy, excited, good mood – to being sad, depressed, upset, angry.

My manic episodes usually consist of the following:
1. I’m awake ALL night long. I have absolutely no desire to sleep. I’m not tired. I can probably sleep 2-3 hours tops and not feel the need to sleep at all during the day. I have an extreme amount of energy.
2. I suddenly feel like I can accomplish the world! I feel like “Wow. Today is it! I’m going to be the ‘perfect mom’ and ‘perfect wife’. I’m going to exercise, eat healthy, play with the boys for hours, not hide on the computer. I just feel like I can do EVERYTHING and do a complete switch around on my lifestyle.
3. My mind RACES. I can think about 3000 things at once. I think about how I can do this and that, then I get very overwhelmed and feel as though I don’t have enough time to do it all (that’s why I end up awake most of the night)
4. Worst yet – Extreme irritation. I get SO ANGRY and SO IRRITATED about the littlest things. I snap, scream, sometimes even throw stuff just because I cannot handle what is going on around me or how to cope with the emotions I’m feeling because of it.
5. Strong impulses without thinking of consequences. This is the worst ‘side effect’ I endure with bipolar. I often get in to arguements/fights with people I love. – More often, Mike. – Almost always, while I’m dealing with mania – I say far too much that ends up hurting him (them). I tend to alienate people. I say things that end up cutting deep, and they’re low blows. They come out. I cannot control them coming out. It just is said, happens, and then whatever. I say I’m sorry, but obviously the work is done.  I think that’s why I always lose people – They get sick of putting up with my shit.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not always like this. I’m only like this when going through a manic episode. I cant control it but wish I could. I want to get help. I haven’t seen a psychiatrist in almost 3 years.  I used to be on prozac for everything – the doctor didn’t feel as though I had bipolar… Which brings me to another point;

EVERYONE thinks I’m lying (or at least I think they think I am lying) about having bipolar. They think I’m making it up for attention. They have NO IDEA what I go through everyday. I hate myself. I hate how I treat people. I hate living in constantly paranoia that people are talking about me, or they hate me.

This is just a start of what I’m going to show in the next coming weeks. I don’t know what ‘episode’ I’m going through currently. I believe its manic, but I’m not sure. I get upset – I don’t even cry right now. I’m just numb to everything. I want everything to be fixed… I just wish I could understand it all more. One last question…

Why don’t you get help for it if you know you want help?
Honestly? Because I’m scared. 1. I have had some BAD experiences with doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, the whole nine yards. I was hospitalized when I was in 7th grade for self mutilation (cutting myself) and was put on lock down for 72 hours. I vowed I’d never go back. I sometimes think about doing it again – remember the hospital – and decide its not something I want to do. I have control over that, but I don’t have control over my anger, what comes out of my mouth, etc. Makes no sense… Okay getting off topic of the answer of this question – I don’t drive. I have no way to and from the doctors office. Sure, I could take a bus, but who wants to take TWO kids on a bus. “If it really meant something to you to get help for yourself, and your children, you’ll do what it takes.” Guess it doesn’t mean that much to me. I am not going through that hassle. Its too much work.

I want to get help, extremely bad. This is what it would take for me to get that help.

• Call the insurance company and receive a list of specialty doctors.
• Call the first on the list and ask the following, “Are you accepting new patients? You are?! That’s great I’d like to sign up!” That’s when the receptionist says the following: “What insurance do you have?” I reply, “United Health  Care … through the state.” – “We don’t accept that type of insurance.” or its “We don’t have any openings for that type this month… you’ll have to call on the 1st early in the morning to be put on the waiting list.” OR worse “Okay, we’re accepting that insurance but we cannot get you in until (insert month here that is usually 6-10 months away)”
  
• Call the second doctor on the list – Get the same. EVERYTIME

I want the help, but they won’t GIVE me the help. The only way I would be able to get help right away, if I decide to cut myself, do harm to myself, or say I’m going to do it… Its an emergancy then and until then, its nothing.

I want help, but its such a process. Most of the time I don’t have the energy. Its EXTREMELY degrading to say over and over again, “I have bipolar. I need help.” Its hard to admit that to yourself, let alone 300 people you don’t know.

Besides. I don’ want to have to make people miss work to take me every week. I would need to get meds and sit down for counciling… which is a weekly process. They almost never have afternoon appointments available (and I’m trying to get WHATEVER I can get my hands on since its hard enough as is) and I’m not going to say “Hey Mike. You need to miss work every single day – our ONLY source of income – so I can get counciling because I’m becoming more and more crazy by teh day.” He has offered, he wants me to … I can’t ask that of him.  Maybe I’ll get more and more to my breaking point where I can’t take it anymore and just do it anyways. We’ll see…

For now, I’m going to end this at that. This entry is already FAR TOO LONG as is. I’m sure I’ll continue it another day.

Written on Monday April 27th, 2009 at 9:37am || Filed under: Family, Life with Bipolar ||