I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t purposely lead a stressful life. I don’t choose to be unhappy, or stressed, etc. I just have the most random, fucked up bull shit happen to me, and THAT is what I cannot deal with.

All these past weeks, I’ve been busting my ass to try to find a doctor for myself. A psychiatrist so I could get medication again, and a psychologist so I can get therapy and counseling to try to rearrange the way I think about things. I have been on the phone, every single day for weeks. Doctors offices, insurance companies, my state-issued caseworker, etc. Its been a mess! Well, I finally found out that my review paperwork for my state insurance was submitted but will not be put back into effect until the 1st of August. So, I decided that I wasn’t going to worry about anything until then because there was nothing I could do.

Saturday, Mike and I went with his parents to his aunt’s house for Port Washington Fish Days. That was fine.

Sunday, we were headed to leave to go to his parents again. I went to go check the mail because we hadn’t gotten it on Saturday. We packed the kids, drove the truck up to the mail box, and all the sudden I see everyone in my apartment building coming out and I could hear a siren. The fire alarm in the hallways was going off… I’m just standing there, watching, and thinking “Oh jesus, now what?” I walk up to the doors and ask the neighbor, “Is there a fire.” She nodded. I’m like “Who?” She’s like “Above you.” FUCKING AWESOME! So, I tell Mike to go park the truck and tell him what’s going on. They open the door, I see smoke everywhere, he tells me to go wait by the truck. The fire department came, but didn’t draw hoses or anything. We’re thinking it was a small kitchen fire, either way it’s fucking stressful. So, the fire department goes up, then leaves. The apartment manager makes sure we didn’t have any smoke damage downstairs by us – which we didn’t. I pray to god they get rid of this lady. This is becoming ridiculous. Even though there was no major or serious damage, the stress this lady puts me through is unreal.

So, while waiting for the fire department to leave, I open my mail. Which includes a letter from my state caseworker saying that as of August 1st, I will no longer receive my food stamps benefits. /sigh Apparently, while I was calling them ALL WEEK, for the past two weeks, they couldn’t inform me that I didn’t send in the right forms to get that clarified. So I had to call them today and find out what the fuck was going on. They told me what I needed to do, and I have to send in a form I hadn’t before. So, I sent that out today…

See, these things are little, and normally people can just deal with the stress of every day life. This is where I’m fucked… because I can’t. I can’t deal with every day stresses. I can’t deal with the every day little bull shit that adds up to become something HUGE in my mind. It drives me crazy that I can’t do this. I just want to go ONE DAY, one single day without stressing about something. Either I cannot handle the stress, or I just have the worst luck ever. It’s fucking irritating.

Written on Monday July 20th, 2009 at 10:54am || Filed under: Life with Bipolar ||