This will be a very quick entry. I’m mainly posting to see if 1.) my mouse/keyboard malfunctions like it has been and 2.) I want to update you on my change.

So, I went to see my pdoc on Tuesday. I explained to him that I have been depressed. He listened and said “uh huh… now tell me, how long have you been manic?” Hmm, wasn’t expecting that answer. I told him I had been depressed since I lost my job. I didn’t do the bloodwork because I was gone on vacation and just busy and depressed but I did the bloodwork and now I’m looking for a change. I wanted permission to be put on an antidepressant. He wasn’t buying it. He was like, “You’re incredibly loud. Loud means mania with you. You’re practically shouting at me and you don’t even realize this behavior.” Hmm, never really looked at the level of my voice as being a key to telling whether or not I was being manic or not. Interesting find. He told me we were upping my lithium and not giving me an antidepressant. He said, “take the extra lithium for two weeks, if you feel depressed in two weeks, call me up, I’ll give you the Wellbutrin. If not, I’ll see you in four weeks and we’ll take a blood level and see how your levels look and go from there.” then he sent me on my merry way. Whatever. I took the antidepressant on my own for six days, it was enough to take me out of the darkness, kick me into the mania, and that’s where I’ve been for the past four days.

Depression and I don’t mix. I can’t handle depression like I can handle mania. Depression makes me hate everything. I hate myself the most. I wallow away in self-pity. I sleep anywhere from 12-16 hours a day; that is absolutely ridiculous. Nothing gets done around the house. I mean NOTHING. I live next door to my mother in law who is very strict about cleanliness and such. Doing nothing for a week is completely unacceptable. My family doesn’t get fed because I do not have an appetite when depressed, so I don’t cook. Needless to say, when I’m depressed I’m a worthless pile of crap that is just useless. Nothing gets done. In my world, that is completely unacceptable.

Manic… Mania… I can handle myself. I know how to control myself enough. Sure, I may have impulsively bought a few things this week but I compiled an entirely new lifestyle change of grocery shopping and budgeting for my family complete with worksheets and excel spreadsheets. I used my $40 that I earned from saving money from shopping and bought myself an early Christmas present – a griddle which we desperately needed. Impulsive but not entirely. I bought myself new tires for my car for the winter. Impulsive but I needed them and they weren’t for fun but rather a necessity. The self-control that I was talking about is the fact that I haven’t purchased a brand new laptop because, to be honest, this one is DRIVING ME FUCKING BONKERS!

My laptop keeps doing all these itty bitty tiny little things that are driving me crazy each and every time they do them. Like, I’ll be typing and all the sudden the Windows start menu comes up and whatever I’m typing is typing in the search bar on that. I didn’t click anything it just does it. My battery – if I bump the computer or battery or charging cord my computer will completely freeze up. I found a solution to this on the internet and so far it seems to be working but I am not convinced it’s entirely solved. While I type, certain letters will capitalize on themselves. Like for instance, I’ll be tYping and out of nOwhere certain letters will caPitalize. I purposely did that in that sentence but every now and then it will happen. It’s very frustrating when you’re typing and all these little things make your productivity mess up. I have to constantly go backspace or go redo a few words or sentences because all these little things are keeping me from just typing and being done.

I’ve been in the market for a new laptop for the past few months. It’s taking everything i Have <SEE! to just purchase a new one. There technically nothing wrong with this one. It’s just the little quirks that it does while I’m trying to do something that is enough to drive someone crazy.

I suppose though. I’m going to keep this laptop as long as I can. The liTtle <SEE quirks will just be enough to drive me crazy. I’m going to end this here.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. We have no plans. We had our families Thanksgiving on Sunday. We have nowhere to go, nowhere to be, nothing to do, nothing to see. Mike apparently is going to be cleaning the basement. We’ll see if that actually happens. Who knows, maybe we’ll get the tree and my bike set up this weekend! That would be FANTASTIC! Maybe then I’ll be a little more motivated to work out. OK! Seriously, I’m out.

written on at 8:05 pm || Filed under: Life with Bipolar

2 Responses to “I did an 180.”

  1. Sheri says:

    I agree that mania is so much easier to deal with than depression. I hope you get on a more even keel soon.

  2. Sarah says:

    It’s hard when you feel worthless. You don’t want to do anything to make anyone else feel better either because it’s hard to even think about other people. Then you feel guilty later on. I’m glad you are out of the depressive state and into productivity, even if it is mania. Keep it up!

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