Just as fast as I got my new, amazing pdoc – I lost him… kind of. I went to my pdoc appointment on Monday and everything was going great. He was pleased to hear how well I’ve taken to lithium and Seroquel. He told me to continue giving myself as much Seroquel as I have to get myself to sleep. He requested that I get blood work done [Wednesday, today] to check my liver, kidney, and thyroid levels. He told me that he was going to more than likely raise my dosage of lithium the next time I see him depending on my blood work. Then he hit me with it, “Now comes the bad news. I’m resigning. Things have gotten tougher in my life with my health and there comes a time where I just have to put myself first for once. It’s so incredibly hard to see these patients and tell them that I can no longer see them. It really tears me up. I mean, I’m 66 years old and I was retired. I got bored, so I decided to come back and work at some various offices here and there. I was doing great with it. I’ve been here for about two years. My health decided to take a turn for the worse. I’m sorry. Your stability is my priority though. I will see you at least two more times before I leave. I want to be sure you’re pretty stable before I leave you. My last day will be in exactly six weeks. I’m sorry to have to let everyone down.” I explained to him that I understood and that he has to do what’s best for him. Heh. I was telling my psychiatrist this. It was weird though, it was almost as if he was confiding in me. It really sucks. I completely didn’t even think to ask him for a referral for someone else. I will next time I see him. Get a great pdoc, and he up and resigns. He had JUST made the decision the day I seen him. So it’s not like they allowed me to go see him knowing that he wasn’t going to stick around. Guess we’ll figure out what happen next, right?

Moving along… I got an attorney. They only get paid if I win. It’s only 25% of my back pay if we win. So, that’s good… I have someone meeting with me for an in-home consultation next Thursday, August 26th. I’m incredibly nervous because I don’t know how attorneys work. I don’t know if they’re doing it to just scam you or if these people are legit. I mean… I’m 99% sure that the company I’m going through is legit. They have commercials on every hour! Mike’s going to be with me while I meet with this guy because I have HORRIBLE time listening to all the information being given to me. I figure with him being there A.) It will get him involved with my disability. B.) He’ll be able to keep better track of everything that is said. C.) He’ll be able to make a better judgment if this is what I should do or not. I’m happy to have him here with me through this process.

Next was my therapy appointment. This went exceptionally well also. We started off the session with him informing me that disability contacted him as I was handing him my “last ten years with bipolar” evaluation.

“Oh my. I wish I had this three weeks ago when disability requested it.”

“Yea, we didn’t see each other.”

“Well, did you see Dr. Phansalker?” he asked.

“Yes. I did. We set up a brand new medication mixture. Lithium and Seroquel.”

“WOW! Lithium?! I haven’t seen anyone on lithium in over ten years. Did he say why he wanted you on that?”

I explained to him how he felt as though lithium was the safest bet for me. “He didn’t want me on just a random medication. He wanted something that would work, and work fast. He didn’t want me playing around with maybe this medication will work, or maybe that one. He knew lithium worked for so many years, so why not try it.”

“Why not Lamitcal?”

“Well, after he diagnosed me with Bipolar I Disorder, he felt it was better that I just be on lithium. Lamitcal is better for patients with Bipolar II Disorder.”

“Oh. So he diagnosed you?”

After explaining to him the remainder of the appointment, including the resignation, he was shocked. “I’m impressed. He must really trust you. I’m the owner, well I and my partner are the owners of this practice and his practice and when he told us that he was leaving us only knew that it was health related. I didn’t even know how old he was. He truly must trust you. With that being said, I’m going to ask him if he can continue to see you at the Wheaton Franciscan office. He’s not fully retiring; he’s just downsizing a lot of his patients but leaving a few clinics. When you see him again, ask him about seeing him at his new office. He obviously is working great for you. You obviously are a good patient to him for him to confide in you. Maybe we can get him to continue to see you at least to fully get you stable.”

I was shocked and relieved. I didn’t know he wasn’t fully retiring. If this works out, where I can just go see him in his other office, it would be a life saver. Literally.

Our therapy appointment continued on. He sat there reading my evaluation throughout the entire appointment. “What do you mean, racing thoughts?” he would ask. I would do my best to describe it. “What do you mean you’re paranoid?”

“Well, a perfect example of this … I thought you were under the impression I was only using you for disability. That’s not the case. In fact, the last three weeks, I spent going over it in my mind thinking you believe I am only here to use you. It really churned my stomach and it made me not even want to come to this appointment.”

“I’m going to be honest. I thought you had only seen Dr. Major (my last therapist whose across the all from this doctor) a few times before coming to see me. After I went through your chart, I realized you spent a great deal of time with Gary. If I thought you were lying just to get disability, I’d tell you. I know you’re a very intelligent and honest person. You can see it in your eyes. I believe your intelligence makes you capable of having a job. Now that I have this evaluation from you, I can see how difficult it would be for you to keep a job. Your instability for your moods would make it it nearly impossible to work. Sure, you could get a job no problem, but there’s no way you’d be able to function completely and keep it without blowing up at someone. I’m going to do my best to help you with the disability. I’m going to read through this evaluation and really study it. I’m going write up my thoughts as to why I feel as though you can’t work because of these problems you have with your unstable moods. I think you getting an attorney is a great idea. It’s very difficult to get disability but with all these factors you’re heading in the right direction.”

This really put my mind at ease about disability. I mean, I’m still scared to death of applying. I guess I just can’t take the rejection of knowing I’ve been busting my ass to get better, and even though I have the right doctors now – its still going to be a process. I think I deserve it, but I also think it’s going to be incredibly difficult to explain how I can be smart, and perfectly capable of getting a job but not being able to keep the job and/or function completely. I mean, how do you explain that you’re smart as hell but too fucked up to do it? Ya know?

Well, the rest of our appointment went well. He reassured me that he knows I”m not just using him for disability and he’s willing to help me with everything. My anger issues. My past. My disability. EVERYTHING. Which makes me feel great. I don’t go back to see him for another two weeks. He didn’t want to see me until after I seen my pdoc again.

… we’ll see what happens. With disability. With the therapist. With the pdoc situation.

I feel like I have 30000000000000 things going on at once. It’s driving me a little insane … well, more insane than I already am. We’ll see what happens.

Written on Wednesday August 18th, 2010 at 9:56pm || Filed under: Accomplishments, Life with Bipolar ||