First step to, well whatever you want to call it.
Yesterday was a huge day for me. (I’m not even going to bother talking about this weekend, because well, quite frankly not a whole lot happened. Went to Mike’s company picnic. Got a $15 gift card for Starbucks, then went out to dinner with Mike, his parents, and the boys. Mike ate too much causing us not to be able to go see Public Enemy like originally planned, so we hung out with our friends and had a good time. /End Weekend)
Anyways, back to what I was saying, yesterday was a big day for me. I got on the phone at 8am and started my “80th” search for a psychologist and psychiatrist. After a few hours, I was able to find a psychologist. I began searching for a psychiatrist but everyone said that I had to see one of their therapists to be seen there to get medication too. Uhm, okay? So, long story short, around noon, I found one. My appointment for the medication deal of it isn’t until September 3rd. ;Ugh; Right?! But, its a start… I made an appointment with the psychologist on Wednesday, but he informed me he had an opening yesterday, so after talking to Mike’s Mom, I decided to take it.
We went over to Mike’s Mom’s house and his Grandma was there to watch the boys so I could go driving. We went for, about an hour to an hour and half or so. I drove myself to my appointment, and went in…
Now, I haven’t seen an actual psychologist since, I don’t know 1998-99? I was pretty young the last time I seen one. All the other doctors I’ve seen the past few years were there just to prescribe meds. I was pretty nervous though. I chose to have a male doctor this time instead of a female because all my previous doctors were females, and I have had nothing but bad new with them.
We got started… I explained I have two kids. I have ups and downs. What I can’t handle. What I can. What I knew, and what I needed help on. I told him about Mike and how he’s supportive and a great help, but I cannot believe anything he says, not because he’s lying but because I have no faith in myself. I told him slightly about Matt, and he wanted to know about my parents and that’s where we seemed to focus majority of our session around… My history. My path to what lead me here today. What happened when I was younger to cause some of the stuff I’m going through. I broke down once, when talking about everything going on with my feelings towards Nickolas, and how I’m having an extremely rough time with him, especially since Matt is only in his life when its convenient… He said I was smart, and I knew what I needed to do… See, that’s my problem.
I know what I need to do. What I need to accomplish, set up, and achieve. I know that I need to put us on a schedule, manage my time better so I can give enough attention to BOTH of the boys, cleaning, housework, etc. I know I need to make myself believe what others are telling me … etc.
He said I needed self discipline to make myself do that. I can’t get help until I push myself to just do it. That’s why I’m there, I need answers. I have all these thoughts and plans and goals. When I’m manic, I have ideas and intentions, but when I’m depressed the whole thing comes crumbling down.
I told him. I know Nick wants attention. We started a good boy chart. We started an reward system. I can do anything when I’m on my “high”. Then, I’ll wake up, and just crash.
Anyways, that’s why there are now 200+ entries on this blog. I uploaded all the old from my past variations of the site, and past sites completely. I found a pluggin to use to incorporate your Cutenews blogs into your WordPress. So, I did that, deleted whatever was duplicate copied and was done with it. I officially have a blog together since 2006. So, if you ever get bored and want some entertainment, click a random date in the archives and have at it. You never know what you might get.
Anyways, there was a lot more to be said, but I’m going to leave this entry at this. I’m scared and worried that talking to a psychologist isn’t going to do me any good. I feel like I went to an appointment to talk to some stranger about the inner most deepest secrets and workings of my life; when I do the same thing here… I just hope I find some answers soon, some form of path to start going down. I also want to know what to begin first. What do I need to take care of first? That’s what I need to know the most.
You can only start with one thing – the thing that bothers you the most (I know there are more than one but you have to start with one)
First off I have to say I think your layout is awesome.
And second I have to say I’m sorry I don’t have anything else good to say.
You did good and I’m very proud of you. I don’t comment a lot, but I watch your ups and downs and you DO know what you need to do. The dr (I don’t feel like spelling it, haha) might not seem to be the right thing for you, but just try to keep going. You can push yourself. In the end, I’m sure he can help you out one way or another. If he’s not good enough, he can always recommend you, or he’s going to end up helping you a lot. You just need to spill your heart out to him, get all that stuff out that you’re holding in, and keep on trying. You’ve made it this far, you can do it.
I was going to say something stupid, but I just remembered, don’t you already run a site with your whole coupon/sweepstakes thing? I’ve been thinking about doing coupons to help out my grandma, but I don’t know where to start.
You’re very welcome
I’ve never commented on it really before because I never want to say the wrong thing. I know somewhat what you are going through with the depression, although ours is completely different I know, and things can just come out wrong sometimes. You’re very welcome to comment or email me anytime you need to :] Sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone you don’t know!
.-= Stephine´s last blog ..Hola! =-.
You have a cute looking site i like the way it is. anyways its good that you want to know whats going on, where you are coming from. its good to have someone close to you to be able to talk to. Im myself sometimes feel deeply depressed because of everything going on around me. i also have 2 kids a girl and a boy and i have a long distance relationship with my b/f hes the father of my son, but not the real father of my daughter though he has been there since my daughter was going to be a 1 mth old. so you might as well say he is. Her dad never really been in the picture. so he is like out of the picture.. but im pretty sure you will get through this all. godbless and gluck!
Good luck with finding someone to help, I should do that with cutenews but I don’t think I have them all, I think I have them going back to 1994!
.-= Damita´s last blog ..Having a hard time =-.
I think everyone could benefit from some kind of therapy. Now I don’t know who Nick or Mike is, I will probably check your about me section after this to see if I can get a better idea and whatnot, but it sounds like you are on the right path to do what you need to. Good luck.
.-= Sean´s last blog ..Guitar Hero Van Halen =-.