Nick’s Doctors Visit – Nick had a doctors appointment on Thursday. It was just a regular check up for the year. Talked with the nurse a little while and expressed my concerns about his weight.  He weighs 56lbs. He’s skinnier than sin. He’s pure skin and bones. The doctor came in and we discussed Nick’s medication for his ADHD. Doctor said he was on a healthy dose of Concerta. And that we shouldn’t raise it anymore than what he’s at right now. Fine. I expressed my concerns for Nickolas’ emotional side. He’s an extremely over-emotional kid. You tell him to do something and he’s crying. Doctor said that was possible side effects from the Concerta and that if it becomes more of a concern we can discuss lowering his dosage. I don’t want to lower his dosage so I guess I will have to deal with the emotional side effects. Then the doctor discussed his weight. He’s in the 40th percentile for his age range for weight. 75th percentile for his height. That means he’s below average for weight, above average for height. Then the doctor told me that he’s only 1lbs under the normal weight. He said if Nick ends up losing 5lbs in the next few months then to come in and we’ll discuss something to do, but otherwise right now he’s not concerned with it. Guess I shouldn’t be either then…

Energy Assistance – As you know, I was REALLY not looking forward to going back down to energy assistance. My Mom came with me this time. I told her we had to get down there early but she didn’t understand. Well, she understood but she didn’t want to get up that early. So she ends up getting at my house at 5:10am. We get going and headed down there. There were already 6 people in line! Shit. We’re gonna be down there for a while I thought to myself. I didn’t realize that people were there to get their taxes done too. So we’re standing there outside waiting… freezing our asses off. It wasn’t all that cold outside, maybe in the 20s-30s. Either way standing outside for 2 hours tends to freeze you more than you realize. So the people come out of the building, hand us our numbers. I am looking at the list of everything you need and notice that Photo ID is on there. I tell my Mom to hold my papers and I go in my wallet to get my ID and social security cards out. I look in my wallet and my ID is no where to be found. FUCK!!! WHERE IS IT?! I start FREAKING out. “I came all the way down here to get turned down because of a stupid photo id!” My Mom’s like settle down Nikkole. But I wasn’t having it. So, I text Mike… I don’t have my ID. I have no idea where it is. I need it! Then I’m searching through my purse some more and not coming up with anything I text him again. “Look in and around the loveseat.” He text me “I got it. I’m headed down there.” RIGHT when they called my number. I couldn’t use my cell phone because they have a strict policy against it. So the lady asks for my photo ID and I act like I’m looking for it and I’m all “Omg. I don’t have it.” She’s like “do you have any form of photo id?” I’m like “I have this?” and I hand her my Sam’s Club membership card. She’s like “That will do.” PHEW!! I thank her a thousand times. Then underneath the table I text Mike that I didn’t need him to come because she used my Sam’s Club membership card. He was already out the door headed down there. So I get everything taken care of. She gives me energy assistance… SUCCESS! I no longer have to worry about this. THANK GOD! So, they paid half of our bill. Which was REALLY high because we haven’t paid it in a few months because things came up. We need to still come up with the other half but at least half of it is covered. So, phew! Its done. Its taken care of. I did it.

SSI Social Security Disability - I received a letter in the mail yesterday from SSI saying something along the lines of “If you want to add any additional information to your case please contact us… something something about a hearing on June 10th, 2012.” Interesting… I’m going to have to get a hold of my attorney to find out what I have to do next. Hopefully they got the letter. I decided I’m going to call them on Monday. That will give them time to get the letter. Hopefully we can add to my case that I lost my job because of my bipolar. Which isn’t a lie… Yes, they laid me off because it was the end of the season, but they also DIDN’T hire me on because I “was never there and didn’t work” because of my bipolar. So, we’ll see what happens next. I only pray every day that this goes through… That would be an extra $200-1200 a month we’d get that would help out SO much. I wouldn’t feel so bad about not being able to work. Ugh. Please tell me we’ll get it. My attorney thinks I have a case. That’s worth something, right!?

Alright. I ran out of things to talk about. I know there is a few more things I forgot but I can’t for the life of me remember them now. I’ll edit this post and write more if I can think of what it was.

I am currently still going for unemployment. Remember I loss my job November 2011. So, I’ve been filing for unemployment since then. At first I got a letter stating that I wasn’t eligible for it because I didn’t make enough. Then I got a letter stating they’re still establishing whether or not I qualify so continue filing. It’s frustrating. 1. I almost never remember to file for unemployment on Sunday’s. 2. I’m sick of filing when I still don’t know if I”ll get it or not. What could possibly take this long to establish!? I wish I could just give up, say I’m not getting it, and be done with it. Mike won’t have that though.

In other news, I have found out from a friend that Matt’s girlfriend is pregnant. HA! I call him to question him about it. “Are the rumors true?” I said.

“Rumors? What rumors?”

“Is Kelly pregnant?”

“Who’d you hear that from?”

“A mutual friend. Is it true?”

“I hate rumors. They’re vicious. I hate rumors. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know if she’s pregnant?”

“Yea. I don’t know.”

“Oook. Whatever you say.”

“Yea. She’s 6 weeks pregnant.”

I’m like, “OH! Congratulations!”

“Is it what it is.”

“You sound thrilled.”

In the most sarcastic voice ever, “I am THRILLED! I cannot WAIT for ANOTHER baby! YAY!”

“Okay, I get the point.”

At this point I wanted to tell him to keep it in his pants then. But I kept it to myself. Wanted to keep the conversation nice, ya know? This will be his possible third child. I say possible because I’m still not convinced baby #2 was his. He never mentions him. He never sees him. Then again, he’s still a baby. When Nick was a baby, Matt wanted NOTHING to do with him. He was still baby formed. He’s no fun as a baby. Can’t dress up the baby in name brand clothing and take around showing him off. I pray this one is a girl. Matt told me when we were together, “If you have a girl. We’re through. I will walk out of the ultrasound and that will be the last time you see me.” Charming, right? So anyway, I continue the conversation and I tell him I’m pursuing him for Child Support.

He responds with, “Ya. I know. They sent me a letter telling me I owe $600 here and $1000 there. They put a lien on me too.” Sucks to be you. He then proceeds to tell me about how he now owns the bar that he worked at and that’s why I’m not getting child support because he’s not getting paychecks anymore. Long story short, he basically said he had money laying around for a rainy day and he invested it in the bar and got screwed. Not my problem… where’s my money?!

You know what sucks the most about not getting child support… when Nick is going and behaving himself and we go to the store and he asks for something and I have to tell him “No. I don’t have money.” He is old enough to understand that I get child support from Dad and Dad is currently not sending me any. He doesn’t understand that when I go to the store I’m spending Mike’s money, not my money. Therefore I can’t just go and buy him something because it’s not my money. His response is, “Well we’re at the store. You have money to go to the store, don’t you?” It sucks.

Hopefully soon I’ll be getting child support once again. I have gotten one payment since October. Which is bull shit.

In other news, Mike wants me to attempt going to Energy Assistance again. To give you a recap of what happened last time… LONG story short, I went at 5am, stood outside in the cold until 7:30am. I finally got in and THEN seen the sheet of what you need. (They don’t have it on the internet ANYWHERE about what you need when you get down there. So I had no clue what I needed.) So, I’m sitting there lying to the people like “Oh I don’t have a bank account” because I needed my bank statements for the previous three months. THEN I COMPLETELY forgot that I had worked during the previous three months. I didn’t have my pay stubs at all. It was a mess! I vowed I’d never go back down there. Well little did I know Mike would be forcing me to go again. Ugh! I don’t want to go. This time I’m going to make my Mom come with me so I have someone to talk to while we’re down there at 5am. I also have to get my bank statements printed out first. Then I think I’ll have everything. The only concern I have is that when I asked work to print out my pay stubs they gave me a compensation report instead. It still says how much my gross pay was, take home pay, and taxes taken out… I just pray that it will be enough for them. I don’t want to go down there at 5am to sit outside until 7:30am then to sit until 9-10am to be seen to have it NOT be enough. Its not easy getting assistance from the state. Whoever tells you its easy is a liar. I can’t wait until the day when I’m stable enough to work and the boys are in school and we don’t have to worry about getting assistance from the state any longer.

As you can see, and as I posted on Twitter, I have created a new theme. I call it blue brown. Original, eh? I’m not sure I like it. Its plain jane for me. It took me seriously 30 minutes to create it, code it, and have it up. Which is far too quick by my standards. I wanted something with these colors but I didn’t know what I wanted to create. I’ve done a theme with photos before.

Which turned out fabulous. So I created this one in hopes that I’d make something just as fabulous. I was mistaken. It didn’t turn out great at all. I mean, its not bad. I just feel its one of my lowest looking creations I’ve made. So for now this is my newest theme. Love it or leave it. I’d love to leave it but I can’t come up with anything else I want to create. Nothing is sparking an idea in my head. No creative juices are flowing. Which sucks! Oh well, eventually I’ll come across something phenomenal and it will spark an idea in my head for my own theme and I’ll start creating and it will be wonderful.

Final thought… I’m sweeping again. Mike’s like “You need to get on that!” because I had introduced a girl at his work to the sweeping world and she’s been winning left and right. If you don’t remember I won about 3k worth of stuff the first year. 8k worth of stuff the second year. Only 1k worth of stuff last year. I didn’t win much last year because I didn’t enter much. I fell out of the hobby and I wasn’t winning as much as I had in the previous years so I felt it was a waste of time. See the thing is, sweeping has REALLY hit off the past year so there’s SO many more people out there that are like “I can do this” and they start entering. This makes my chances of winning that much lower. So I haven’t been winning as much. Which is really discouraging. But I’m going to stick with it and push through and just enter. Hopefully I’ll win a little more this year to make a show for my efforts. Otherwise I don’t know how long I’ll stick with it this time around. Mike wants me to start winning again. He just liked all the prizes I was getting. We’ll see what happens.

I suppose its time for Mikhail’s nap. Nickolas has early dismissal today so I don’t get to lay down with Mikhail like I normally do. Boo!!! I hate early dismissal day. He gets out two hours earlier than normal every other Wednesday. Why? I haven’t the faintest idea. I think it was to cut costs or something. Either way, it sucks. Until next time folks…

So, what else has been going on? Okay. I have to share this. I’m going to copy/paste directly from my Facebook: What? Do ALL the neighbors in this building sit with their ears to the fucking door to just catch you on something you’re doing wrong? I was waiting in the hallway, watching for the bus to come. Mikhail ran up the back stairway and went upstairs. There is a ladder up there leading to an attic space. He climbs the ladder. Then proceeds to yell “MOMMY” I ignore it because 1. Everyone is at work. He’s not harming anyone. 2. He knows how to get down. He’s done it a hundred times. The old hag upstairs comes out and goes “Omg Where is your Mommy?! Are you alright little one? You poor thing. How dare she leave you up here. Where is she?” I’m standing at the bottom of the stairs just listening to her go on. I’m like “I’m right here. He always goes up there. He knows how to get down. I’m waiting for the bus to get her so I can see that my other son gets on the bus safely. Which means he can wait. He’s not hurt. He’s not harmed. And I’m RIGHT here. Normally everyone’s at work so it doesn’t bother anyone.” She responds with “OH well I thought he was hurt. Just keep an eye on him. You dont’ want him falling off there. Maybe watch your kid a little more.” FUCK YOU LADY. I’m doing the best I can. Mikhail is FINE. He climbs up that ladder every single day. And you know what every single day he comes back down when I tell him its time to go back in to the apartment. Ugh I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL WE OWN A HOME OR GET OUT OF APARTMENT LIVING!!!

That’s what happened this morning. Bullshit, right? I think so. There’s other nonsense that happens in this building but knowing it only takes a search of my full name to find this blog I’m not going to indulge on everything else that is said. I don’t need people finding it then starting shit especially when I have to live here too. Oh man do I have the stories to tell though. I usually tell them on my Facebook feed. You can find them here. I’m friends-only on Facebook though. I don’t add everyone that’s random so if its possible to write a message to me while you’re trying to add me to let me know who you are, I’d appreciate it.

Moving along… I had a therapy appointment this past week. I’m down to seeing my therapist every six weeks now. Woo! So usually I don’t have anything to talk about at my appointments. Well, the past four or five appointments I didn’t have anything to talk about. So we would just stare at each other for a couple of beats, he’d ask me a question, I’d answer it. We’d repeat this process until he ran out of questions (which was only usually after four questions) and then he’d cut our session short because neither of us had anything to say. *Shrugs* Fine by me… I don’t want to go to the therapist anymore anyways but 1. I’m still filing for disability. 2. As soon as I let him go, I’m going to need him. So, this last appointment, I was actually talking. I was full of information. I was talking and talking and then I paused for a few seconds and he was like “Alright. When would you like to meet again?” I told him one to two months. He pulled six weeks out and scheduled me for six weeks. I left. Thought to myself that was a pretty good session. I actually had stuff to say. I drove back to Mike’s Moms house. I checked the time it was only 11:35. It takes about 15 minutes to drive from the therapist’s office to her house. Which means he ended my session 10 minutes early. Even though I was talking! That made me feel like nothing I said was worthwhile. Which I know deep down inside isn’t true but that’s how it made me feel. So the question is do I mention it to him next appointment or do I let it go? I don’t know. I’ll probably let it go because it wasn’t that big of a deal. Maybe he just figured I had nothing more to say because I paused. *shrugs* I don’t know. I’m not too concerned about it anymore.

Another thing happening in my life, or lack there of, is getting child support. I have received one payment of $119.38 in three months. I’m supposed to receive two payments a month. So, I let it go for a while because I can’t call them or do anything about it until it has been 30 days since I have received a payment. I call the other day and I explain I’m not getting child support and I would like to know what’s going on. They are like, “Let me check to see if there is an end employment date.” There wasn’t. She’s like “I’m going to send this over to a case manager and they’re going to investigate it by contacting the employer and find out why there is no child support being taken out of his checks.” Success! Finally I will be getting some answers. She told me to call back within five to seven business days so I can check on the status of the investigation. I wouldn’t put it past Matt that he told his boss (because he works in a tiny bar where he’s really close to the owner) that he didn’t want child support being taken out of his checks because of Christmas. Which is bull shit because that’s the EXACT reason why I was unable to get Nickolas a lot of toys for Christmas. I wasn’t getting child support. The one time I depend on that money because I had just lost my job and I don’t get it. God this pisses me off. I know there are fathers out there who don’t pay at all, and I feel for you girls. I really do. But I don’t let that shit slide. I’d be taking him back to court as soon as I can to get this taken care of. From what I understand they can’t take out loans or buy houses, etc if they owe back support. Which is great. Hopefully I get some answers soon.

So as I mentioned earlier, I’m still filing for disability. I went to court last year. They denied my case. I appealed the hearing. I found out it would take 6 to 36 months to find out an answer as to whether or not I’ll qualify for disability. This has been a very painful process. Its so and long. The attorney thinks I have a case. I’m not sure anymore. I would like to think I do but whats the point of getting my hopes high and then be crushed. 36 months is a LONG time to wait. That’s three years!!! Whose to say what could happen in that time! I guess we’ll find out when we find out.

Okay. Mikhail is being very needy and I can’t write more like I intended to. So I’m going to end this at that. All comments will be responded to. So comment away :)

It all started seven years ago. It was December 2004 and Matt and I were reconciling our relationship. Ya… I know. WTF!? Right? Exactly my thoughts. Anyways, we were in the process of getting back together. He invited me over to sleep over night. The first time we would spend more than an hour or two since we broke up. I agreed, packed up Nickolas, and went over to our old apartment. Matt had a horrible headache and heaven forbid you do ANYTHING while the precious man has a headache. You can’t speak while he has a headache or he’ll bite your head off. Great. Why was I going over here again? So he ends up sleeping the entire time. I got Nickolas down for the night and I found out online – in this community chatroom on AOL that is for our city – that a friend of mine was having a party. Matt was passed out. Nick was asleep. So, I decided to tell my friend Steph, when Steve gets there have him come pick me up. So, after about an hour he showed up and picked me up. I thanked him and away we were to go to the party. We arrived. There were a few people over there, not too many though. We were all hanging out when these two guys walked in. I recognized one as Dave (I knew him, and everyone else at the party from the chatroom) and he walked in with this other guy. The mystery guy was wearing a jacket and a baseball cap so I could barely see his face. I was partying it up. Having a load of fun. The entire time this mystery guy was starring at me. I later found out his name was Mike. I recognized his screen name when I heard it but had never talked to him. So there I was, newly “not single” and I had guys flirting with me left and right. Dave was flirting with me. This Mike guy was starring at me for every little thing I did. Plus Steve, who picked me up, always had a thing for me. Oy vey!

After the party I go back to Matt’s house. He’s awake and pissed. “Where the fuck were you?” is what I got. I explained to him I went out for a bit. He got over it and went back to bed. I stayed up online for a while and started talking to everyone who was at the party in the chatroom. Mike was on. I don’t know how it started but some how he private messaged me and we got to talking. The next day Matt was forced to clean the entire apartment. It was disgusting. He looked like he hadn’t cleaned since I moved out a year ago. So I forced him to clean up. While he was cleaning up I got a message from Mike. We started talking again. For some reason we were drawn to each other.

I went home to my Dad’s that night and started talking to Mike again. Suddenly it was 4am and we were still talking. His dad woke up for the day and told him to get to bed before his Mom woke up and scolded him. We talked the entire night.

This continued for about a week and half. We talked until wee hours of the morning. I don’t remember about what but it must have been in depth conversation. I found out Mike was currently in the middle of trying to get back together with his ex. After a few days of us talking that changed. I started thinking about what I was doing with Matt too. I told Mike I was going to break up with Matt. I ended up breaking up with Matt on Christmas Eve… exactly 1 year after I broke up with him on Christmas Eve the original time too.

Mike mentioned something along the lines of “This is completely unlike me. I never mess with someone whose got a boyfriend. I also have a rule about dating girls with kids. I just don’t do it.” Yet here we were completely unable to withdraw ourselves from each other.

On New Years Eve 2004, I invited Mike over to my friend Jen’s house. He showed up a few hours later because he was arguing with his ex girlfriend who didn’t appreciate him going out with another girl. We hung out for a while, then went over to Steph’s house (where we met) and hung out there. Someone said something along the lines of “oh its new years, you should kiss.” So we shared our first kiss in front of everyone. Mike’s a shy guy so this was out of the normal for him. It seems everything he did regarding me was out of the normal for him. After having a couple of drinks we went back to Jen’s house. We were both pretty wasted. We ended up fooling around together that night. Which was completely out of the normal for me. He spent the night with me. I had to be to work at 7am the next morning.

The next day after work he calls me completely upset. He explained to me his ex came over and was pissed that he never came home the night before and that he ended up sleeping with her. He was like “I don’t even know why I am telling you this. You’re nothing to me.  It shouldn’t matter what I did… but it does. I’m so sorry.” I was just like… “Uhm, its okay. Its cool. Like you said, we’re nothing to each other so it happened its alright.”  I don’t remember being upset about it. I was more upset that he was upset, ya know?

After the next few days we continued to talk even more in depth with each other. We shared stories and history with one another. He never met up with his ex again. I didn’t talk to Matt. We were just slowly drifting closer together.

The night of the 7th of Jan, my friend Tommy and his girlfriend Ali (who Mike’s known forever, she was close friends with Mike’s ex), Mike and I were all in a private chatroom. Ali and Tommy were talking about how they were each others “somethings”. I made a comment about how “I wish I was someones something.”

The next day I had to work during the day. Our friend Dawn was having a party so I had my Dad watch Nickolas. Mike and Tommy came and picked me up from work that night. We got to Dawns house and while we were walking upstairs Mike stopped me. He whispered “Do you want to be my something? Will you go out with me.” I melted. It was priceless. We ended up going upstairs as a finally happy couple.

There’s some pictures from that night. There are TONS more but no one knows where any of them are. There are like 80 photos of Mike and I making out that night. LOL So that’s the story. That’s how we began. We lived happily ever after. Ha. Okay, maybe not happily ever after… we aren’t always happy but we’re content. We both are still madly in love with each other. We balance each other out perfectly. When I’m in rage attack he doesn’t argue back with me. He just lets me go off then waits until I’m completely run down from screaming then holds me and tells me he loves me. We both make each other a better person… a better version of ourselves. I love him.

New Years 2012 Resolutions Proposed Accomplishments

I don’t particularly want to call these resolutions. New Years Resolutions are always things you’d like to do but they’re completely out of the ball park of what you can do. You wind up feeling like a failure because you don’t accomplish them. For that reason, lets not call these resolutions… Let’s call these proposed accomplishments. I plan on doing these! If I don’t do them, I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’m not going to feel like a failure for not completing these goals. So here they are:

• BLOG MORE!!! One of my resolutions, more like the most important resolution, is to blog more often. I want to blog at least once a week. Although I have no life and my blog posts will consist of me whining about how my kids are driving me crazy and about what chores I did that week, we’ll still try to blog more. I’m hoping out of all my ‘resolutions’ this is the one I stick to the most.
• Lose weight? The question mark is because I don’t plan on losing weight. Meaning, I don’t intend on working on losing weight. I’ve been drinking a lot of water the past few weeks. We’re talking eight or nine 23oz bottles of water a day. I have lost 20lbs. I am not working towards losing weight, its just happening. I’ve been thirsty – that’s why I’m drinking as much water as I have been. So if it happens, it happens. I’m not going to cry or beat myself up if it doesn’t happen.
• Stay stabilized. While I’m not 100% stable, I’m pretty damn close. I don’t have mania, which is the main part. I don’t have depression. Which is normal during the winter months and its winter. I’m just here… I’m still having issues, but I’ll get more in to that later. I just want to stay as stable as I can throughout the year.
• Take my meds as directed. I’m not not taking my meds as directed. I’m definitely not abusing my meds. I just want to continue to take my meds as directed. No skipping days because I don’t feel like being medicated. No  putting off getting my scripts from Walgreen’s because I am being lazy. Just keep up with my scripts, take them as directed, and stay medicated.
• Continue to see my doctors as regularly scheduled. I want to continue seeing my doctors at the normal schedules. No rescheduling appointments because I don’t want to go. No canceling appointments because I don’t feel as though I need to see him (this is particularly for my therapist). Even if I have nothing to say, I need to go to my doctors.

So there you have it… my ‘resolutions’. They’re not over the top. They’re do-able. Notice how “quitting smoking” is not on there. Yea… I’m not setting myself up for that one. I can’t quit smoking until I’m completely stable for a long period of time. I’m not ready for that. So I didn’t add it on there. Like I said, the blogging one is the one I would like to most stick with. Even if I have nothing to say, I can come up with something to post. Whether it be a recipe or an idea, something!

So what else has been going on with lil’ ol’ me?

Not a whole lot to be honest. Like I said above, I’ve been pretty stabilized in my mental health. Which is fabulous! We’ve come down a long, windy road to get to this point. For the most part it feels alright. I’m not super excited about stability because I’m having issues, mainly sleep issues. I’m always tired. I take my ambien around 8pm and by 9-9:30pm I’m ready for bed. So, I go to sleep. I get up 4-5 times a night because I am drinking so much water so I have to use the bathroom. I go right back to sleep after I get up though. I wake up in the morning feeling very tired. I get up with Mike, lock the door after he leaves, then lay back down on the couch until the boys get up. I usually lay there for about 30 minutes. Then I finally drag myself to get up. It usually takes me 2-3 hours to get fully awake after my morning coffee. Then, its nap time for Mikhail. Which means, its nap time for me too. I lay down and I’m like “yes, I can finally sleep!” then what do I do? I just lay there! For two hours I lay there in hopes that I will fall asleep but by this time I’m already wide awake. HMPH! Continuing on, around 4-5pm I’m exhausted again. I want to just go to sleep. I have to get dinner ready though. Then around 7-8pm I’m wide awake again. At this point, I take my ambien and I start the whole process over again.

So, why does me being tired make me dislike the stability? I miss mania, to an extent. When I’m manic I can sleep 1-5 hours a night and be energetic and alert the next day no problem. I get little sleep and I’m fully functional. It almost is like I’m getting too much sleep currently. That or my body is completely not used to getting this much sleep. Which is odd because I’ve been on ambien and on a ‘normal’ sleep schedule for about 8-9 months now. The only downfall to the manic episodes is the irritability and irrational thoughts. Not to mention the racing mind, the inability to sit still, and the rage episodes. Okay, so mania isn’t so great but man I miss sleeping a few hours and being energized!

Not a whole lot else has been going on. I’ve just been being a normal housewife and stay at home mom.

OH! My old job is hiring again. I hope Mike doesn’t expect me to apply. He hasn’t mentioned anything about it but I really hope he doesn’t. They’re never going to hire me back! Not after all the shit I went through with them over the last year. I wouldn’t hire me back! I’m not stable enough to go back to work. I don’t honestly believe I could handle it again. I would end up VTOing every chance I got. I think I like it better being at home. The extra money is nice to have but *smh* its just not do-able right now. So hopefully Mike doesn’t expect me to re-apply. Then I won’t feel like a failure when they don’t call me back. To be honest, if Mike expected me to apply I would probably just tell him I applied so I didn’t get  a call back. No sense in going back to work. I get it… we can barely afford me not working as it is. But I’m still waiting on disability! Although it could be three years before I hear from disability I still have to remain hopeful that maybe one day I will get it.

Alright. I suppose that is all for now. Expect me to write again more in a week or so. Hopefully I have something to say! Me? Have nothing to say? HAHA! That’s funny. We’ll see though. I’m going ot try to stick to this goal!

Well, I was laid off from my job. I’m not surprised one bit. I didn’t work. I was NEVER there. For christ sakes, I was scheduled three days a week, five hours a day, and I barely made it two hours before I would request to get sent home. It was pitiful in reality. So they didn’t hire me on. Like I said, I wasn’t surprised. Mike was disappointed. I was secretly happy. I just wasn’t in to it like I was when I was there originally. I cringed knowing I had to go to work. I don’t know if its because my bipolar is 300xs worse this time around and I just didn’t want to deal with that plus work or what. Either way, I no longer have a job. I have NO clue if they’re going to hire me back in spring time. Which upsets me. I’m pretty mad at mad at myself for not applying myself more and not working harder. Especially if I screwed it up for the rest of all time and they’ll never want me back now. There goes the possibility of going back when Mikhail is in school… Will I even apply in the spring time? I know Mike will want me too. Will I be able to even handle it? Why try and screw up again and only be left disappointed in the end?  *shrugs* I have no idea what I’m going to do about the situation. Quite frankly I don’t care to think of it until spring time rolls around and I have Mike breathing down my neck to reapply.

I’ve had, yet again, another massive overhaul on my medication. I was put on Thorazine. Which made me dumber than rocks. I couldn’t focus on the simplest of answers. So I quit taking it. Next, I told my pdoc about some of the problems I’ve been having which could be or couldn’t be due to medication. So, we did a lithium level blood work. Turns out I was over medicated with that so I had to lower that. I had to lower my Risperidal also because I started pacing back and forth anytime I was staying. I also started rocking back and forth when I stood still. So I lowered that from four pills a day, to one. Then he added Wellbutrin. Which I’ve been on like 3 times now. Once to quit smoking. Twice for depression. Now again, for depression. I told him I didn’t want to take anything that caused sexual side effects because the last anti-depressant I was on I believe Celexa it caused me the inability to reach orgasm. Which SUCKED. So, without the sexual side effects, Wellbutrin was the only one left. So far, it seems to be doing its job.  I haven’t had any depression so far. I can’t really complain. I’m still pacing back and forth outside when I smoke. I don’t know if its a side effect from my medication or if its I’m doing it for something to do while I smoke. Oh well… for now, the medication cocktail I have seems to be working enough. I can’t really complain. I’m not stable but I’m not bad either.

Mike’s Mom found out I smoke. She’s entirely against smoking. Why? I don’t know. Either way, when Mike smoked she was on his case the ENTIRE time for doing it. Remind you… I never quit. She thought we quit together. I couldn’t do it. I’ve tried number of things to quit. I didn’t even quit when I was pregnant. I cut back, A LOT but I never fully quit. So anyways, Thanksgiving day she gets me alone in the kitchen and goes, “AND YOU MISSY! I saw you outside last night. I drove by after work and you were outside.” I’m like great, she knows. What does she all have to say about this… I tell her, “Yea. I’m outside a lot.” She says some other stuff… not straight out saying she knows I smoke but I know that’s what she means. I’d tell you what she said but I honestly don’t remember. I completely blew her off. She didn’t say anything else after that. She left it alone. Hasn’t said anything to me since. I’ve been practicing in my mind what I will say to her, if I grow the balls to do so, if she brings it up again. I’ve come up with, “I’m 25 years old. I shouldn’t have to hide something I do from anyone. Out of respect for you, I don’t do it around you. When I come over I don’t do it. I’ve tried quitting, number of times, using number of methods. Living with my emotions and the instability of them, I have one thing that calms me down. Until I’m stable, for a substantial amount of time, and I know I’m ready, I’m not going to quit. I don’t do it around the kids or in the house. I go outside. I don’t do it as much as a lot of others out there.” … thats all I’ve come up with so far. Like I said, I’ll say that to her if I grow the balls to do so. She’s intimidating to me. I don’t want to disappoint her because I don’t want her looking at me like “ugh this is who my son chose”. Ya know?
Well, I suppose. I’m getting hungry. It’s almost Mikhail’s nap time too. I’ll just leave you all with what I’ve written. Hopefully it won’t be another three months before I write again. ;)

Yesterday I went to see pdoc. I had my paperwork from work (asking for my leave of absence) ready for him to fill out. He sat down, asked me how I’ve been doing. I told him still manic. He said, “Alright. We’re going to give another medication a try. Have you ever tried Chlorpromazine?” I told him no. He seemed pretty pleased with this choice. He told me he wanted me to start it right away. It would make me drowsy and it would help me sleep. He told me to continue taking all my other medications for now. He said next time he sees me we’ll talk about taking some of the medications away because they’re not needed with Chlorpromazine like my Risperidal & Ambien. Alrighty then.

The prescription stated to take 1-2 tablets before bedtime. So I took lithium, risperidone, ambien, chlorpromazine, and lorazepam. I took two tablets of the chlorpromazine figuring I’d need more than less. Doctor said if it feels like I need it, take 3 tablets. So I figure, try two first. I got a great night of sleep! I woke up extremely drowsy this morning though. THEN my coffee pot took a shit so I couldn’t drink coffee. I didn’t have any soda. NO CAFFEINE !!! What was I to do!?

Mike walked in the door a little late from work and had a coffee pot in hand. *swoons* I love this man. He must have read on facebook that mine took a shit and bought me a new one right away. What an awesome guy, eh?

*sigh* I thought this was going to be a longer entry but I just can’t do it tonight. I’m tired. There’s nothing really left to be said. Nick starts school next Thursday! I can’t wait. =X I need the break from him like he needs to break from me.

Alright. I suppose this will end this post. I’ll write more as soon as more happens.

Great, so I’m super manic-y right now. I VTO (voluntary time off) from work. Which means, I was able to leave work because it was slow without getting in trouble. So, then I called in Monday AND Tuesday. Then I called in today. I just wasn’t feeling right. I had gotten seven hours of sleep in four days.  I was physically exhausted, yet I was wired. Wide awake, jittery. You know how you get when you’re super overtired and you get giggly and talkative. Yup, that’s how I was/am.

So lets see…

mind racing - i think a mile a minute. I talk fast too. Everything about me is ‘speedy’. this makes it hard to concentrate.
loss of concentration & focus – I can’t focus. I’m having the hardest time writing this entry. As much as I’d like to explain exactly whats going on, I just don’t know how much I’ll be able to type.
wired/jittery – key words: caffeine pills and mountain dew… if you’ve ever taken too much caffeine you know how this feels.
tremors – my hands are shaking a lot. Sometimes my entire body gets shaky.
no sleep - like previously stated, I’m getting maybe 1-2 hours of sleep at night. I’m not tired during the day. Physically and mentally exhausted, but not tired.
“rage attacks” -  this is what I call them. I’m irritable. Any little thing sets me off and I’m in full blown rage mode. I scream. I yell. I start fights. I say things I don’t mean. This is VERY BAD.
can’t drive – I’m not supposed to be driving with this. I don’t trust myself to drive during this. I speed way too much. You know how when you drive you can just tell how fast you are going? Well, during a manic episode like this, I tend to speed A LOT! It takes a lot of concentration for me to drive safely and normally.

So that’s what I’m dealing with. I’m sure there is more but I just can’t think of any thing else right now. Right now, I’m freaking out. Tomorrow after I call in to work (again) I have to go in and talk to my boss. This is by choice. I can just continue to call in and hope I have a job, but I figured it would be better to go in and talk to him first. I’m going to ask for a leave of absence. I doubt they’re going to give me one because its almost the end of season and I’ll be fired by October anyways. I’m literally FREAKING OUT about it. I’m scared they’re going to tell me no. They’re going to tell me to just work with them and continue to come in and VTO. I’m going to tell them straight out. I can’t file locates.

Okay… our job is semi-important. We file locate requests. We take information about where a person will be digging, send it out to a locator company, they come in, read our directions, and mark the underground facilities. Lets say, I don’t do my job correctly. I screw up because I’m on total manic-mode. The locator goes out, marks the wrong spot. The person who called then goes and digs thinking everything is marked correctly. BAM! He hits a gas line and explodes. I know, that sounds elaborate and a little far fetched. But it happens more than you think. Its important that I do my job well, the first time. Unfortunately, I’m unable to do that at this time.  I just don’t know how understanding they’re going to be seeing as the season is almost over.

So what does my pdoc say about all this? Nothing… I haven’t talked to him. I left a message on Wednesday of last week. He’s not in the office until Tuesday. I spoke with another doctor that was on call and they said if it gets worse, go to the hospital. I refuse to do that again. I will not go back there. I won’t. You can’t make me go. It was just plain awful when I was there last time.

*Sigh* Alright. I honestly can’t think of what else to write. And it took a lot for me to get this down… I’ll post again soon. I have to tell you all about state fair and post pictures with it. Goodnight everyone. May you all sleep better than I have.

So, Tuesday was my busiest day by far. I had two appointments. One with my therapist, the other with my pdoc (psychiatrist).

The therapy appt went well. We talked about how my attorney is planning an appeal (read more about that here), how well Mike and I are doing, my struggles with work, etc. He said I seemed very “off” and not fully there. Which I am. I am very off lately. I can’t describe it. Its like I’m not high on a manic episode, and I’m not riding low in depression. I’m just in the middle but not normal. I’m just here. I told him I wanted to go to work to speak to my old boss. He said I seemed distracted and he’d let me go early so I can get that done.

So, I went to talk to my old boss. A little back story behind this man. He used to be like a second dad to me. He was caring, kind, and understanding of any situation I’ve been in. He used to be my boss when I worked at my job three years ago. He’s not my boss now that I’m back because I’m second shift now. I haven’t seen him since I’ve been back because of my hours. I came in to talk to him. Visit with him. Just see how things are going. Ya know? Show him I still care.

So, we walk in his office and he goes “Ms. Buczek how are you?”

“Things are alright, but I got to be honest, I’m struggling.”

“Please sit down, shut the door.” He pulls out a chair that’s close to him. “Whats going on Nikkole?”

“Things are rough right now. I’m having a hard time doing this job. As you know I have bipolar disorder and its the worse its ever been. I’ve been struggling to cope with it. Things aren’t what they used to be. I can’t file locates the correct way. I can’t get a perfect QA for the life of me. I’m just… just having a real rough time.”

“I had no idea. I’m sorry things are so tough for you. Whats got you hooked? What are you struggling with?”

“Well, to give you an idea of whats happening. When I spell back callers names I’ve always get it wrong. Its like I’m hearing them but its not processing in my head enough to get it written down and spelled back right. Then while, lets say, I’m in the dig location tab and I’m reading off the street names I’ll go in to verbiage. Silly things like that.”

“So you’re not focused. Having a hard time concentrating.”

“Exactly. My mind races with bipolar and I have a hard time focusing on anything I’m doing because things in my head are going so fast.” So, I go on explaining to him what I’m struggling with and how I’m trying to do the best I can and what have you.

He sits forward and looks me in the eyes and goes, “Nikkole, can you do this job?”

“I’d like to think I can do this job.”

“That’s not what I asked you.”

I sit back for a while. A good few minutes pass without a word being said and I look at him and say, “No. I can’t. Not to the standards you’re looking for.”

The next 10-15 minutes or so are blurry to me. I don’t know or remember what was said exactly. Here’s the jist of what is being said.

“What are you doing about this Nikkole?”

“I’m VTOing, a lot. Anytime I feel like I’m getting bad or I can’t take a call or I fear I’m going to get irrate with a caller, I VTO.

He tells me, “I take this as your resignation then. You can’t do your job. Then why are you here. I take that as you’re quitting.”

I’m taken back by this. “I had no intentions of quitting sir. That’s not why I came in here. I just wanted someone to know what was going on in case my tickets weren’t as good as they were when I was last here. I just wanted it to be known.” I’m near tears at this point.

“Well, let me talk to Ben and Kera” Ben is the VP of the company. Kera is head of Human Resouces. “and we’ll go from there. We’ll see what they have to say. Do you want to quit? We’re not doing layoffs for quite some time.”

“I’d much rather you fire me, or lay me off than me quit. My boyfriend would kill me to know that I’m here talking to you about this.”

“I understand completely. Let me talk to them and see what they have to say. You understand my stand point for things. You’re basically telling me you can’t do your job…”

“No. I understand completely. You got to look at this from a business side of view. Just keep in contact with me and let me know what happens.”

With that, we shook hands and I was sent on my merry way. Completely unsure what the hell just happened. I mean, did I just quit my job? Mike is going to kill me. What am I going to do?

I head to Lynn’s (Mike’s Mom) house because she was watching Mikhail for me. I tell her what happened and tell her she’s not allowed to tell Mike. I was beside myself. I didn’t know what to say or do. I was just in complete shock that I just did that. Me and my damn big mouth. Son of a bitch. Now I have no job. Who knows if they’ll welcome me back when MIkhails in school and I can work during the week. Ugh! So, I sit like that for about two hours. Just completely beside myself unsure of whats going to happen or what to do.

Two hours later, he calls me. “Hey Nikkole its _______. I talked to Ben and Kera and I wanted to let you know we feel its best you just continue to VTO when things get rough. You have to promise me you’ll try your hardest and do the best you can. It was a pleasure to see you again Nikkole. I hope things get better for you. Don’t be a stranger to me. Do me one last thing, give Matt a chance.” Matt is my boss. I don’t trust him like I trust Dave. Its not the same to talk to him like I talk to Dave. But I’ll give him a chance. I thanked Dave for everything. Told him I would do my best to work out everything.

I literally fell back and  nearly had a heart attack. I couldn’t believe it. I got to keep my job! Can you believe it?! I couldn’t. I had my job. Now I have to bust my ass to not get fired. Eyes are going to be on me a little more now. They’re going to be watching my every move now. Phew…

After all that excitement I went to my pdoc appointment. This was just a normal appointment. He wanted to start off with getting a profile. Moodswings? Check. Irritability? Check. Depression? Check. Crying Spells? Unable to cry.  Focus? Unable to focus? Staying on task? Unable to. Impulsiveness? Spending. Trouble sleeping? Check. Mind racing? Check.

“Ok Nikkole, what’s going on?”

“How do I say this…?”

“Sexual dysfunction?”

“YES!”

“Unable to climax?”

“Yes! Also low sex drive.”

“It is common with the type of anti-depressant you’re on. We will try Nortriptyline. It shouldn’t give you such harsh effects if any in that department.

Thank god. I haven’t had an orgasm in over two months. Do you know how incredibly frustrating it is to have a high sex drive, whose boyfriend has a high sex drive also, and have the ability to reach orgasm, if not two or three or more every time to go to NOTHING. Ugh! Let me tell you its frustrating as hell!

So now, what medications am I on? This is more for my reference than your knowledge.

AM: 2 lithium, 1 risperidal, 1/2 celexa
PM: 3 lithium, 1 nortriptyline, 2 risperidal, 1 ambien
Next week, I will be eliminating celexa, and adding 1 nortriptyline.

That is my current medication cocktail. So far, that’s whats keeping me sane and from killing my kids. Not literally, but you know what I mean.

Finally, the sims 3. As I wrote in my previous entry Mike bought me two Sims 3 stuff packs. Town Life and High End Loft. Well, High End Loft stuff installed no problems. Fine and dandy, great! I put in Town Life and the disk spun and made really loud noises. It was ridiculous. So I take the game back to Target, and they exchange for a new game. I bring it home, it does the same thing. I do this once more, end result is still the same. Disk is blank.

So, I go to play the Sims, and it says I have an update I have to do. Alright. So, I install the update, and I get an error. It won’t install the update. WTF!? Nothing will work. So, I uninstall the sims. I’ll just reinstall it. While I’m installing it I get a redundancy error. Uh oh! That’s not good. So I’m like, great, I’m going to have to reformat the hard drive and go back to factory settings.

I reformat the hard drive. I go to install the game. I get the redundancy error again! WTF! WHY IS IT DOING THIS?! I reformatted the freakin’ hard drive there is no reason why I should get an error. So I start searching online for tips on how to get through this. I find a post on a message board that says defrag your hard drive and it should work. So, I do this. Remind you I’m on my 2nd day of dealing with this shit. I love this game though I can’t not play… I must play. Defrag doesn’t work.

Alright. I’m going to reformat my hard drive ONE last time. I stay up late, I reformat it. First thing I do when I get the computer back up and running is I install the disk. Nothing but errors. SCREW THIS! I contact EA and tell them what happens. They give me a digital copy of the base game. Saweet. So, all I have to do is download the digital copy and I can install it. If this doesn’t work I’m going to give up on all hope to play the Sims. Which would have made me a VERY sad panda.

After nearly 9 hours, the download is complete. The game installs flawlessly. VICTORY! So, I excitedly start installing my expansion packs. First one, no problem. Second one, ERRORS! You’ve GOT to be kidding me. So I read on the post on the message boards if when you get the error, you eject the disk, wait a second, insert the disk, wait a few moments then click ok. You keep doing this until the install is done. According to her, her game never crashed once after doing this. So, I do this method, it works. Phew!

So, we go to Target today, and I exchange my other stuff pack for a final time! This will be my FOURTH disk. I tell them, if this doesn’t work, what do I do? She tells me contact the manufacture. Alright. So I come home. I try it. It doesn’t work! UGH! Nothing but problems the last 3 days trying to install the sims. I just want to play my game!!! So, I contact EA again. I tell them whats going on. Every time I buy one of your disks, its blank. Can I have a digital copy of the game? After a little bit of finesse they give in and give me one. So, its finally done. Everything is installed. I have it all on my computer once again. I just have to try playing it to see if it crashes because of doing what I said I did above with the ejecting the disk and such.  I’ll try playing tomorrow. So here’s to crossing fingers and toes to make sure that it works correctly.

Alright folks, I’m awfully tired after wring this long ass post. Thanks in advance for any comments. I’ll try to write back ASAP.

After some consideration I respond with, “Potawatomi, for sure. Why did you get a baby sitter?”

“I talked to Dad today. They have a baby shower they’re throwing on Sunday for a friend of Mom’s, so they can’t watch them over night. He said it wouldn’t be a problem if it was for a few hours.” So Mike asked me what I wanted to do knowing we’d have a sitter. Mike calls his Mom “So, I told Dad this already, now I’m going to tell you. Nikki wants to go to Poto for her birthday. Dad said it would be alright to watch them for a few hours.” She responded with something along the lines, “Well I have a house to clean and I really need to get that done. I’d rather you do it tonight instead.” It was already 5:30. By the time we would’ve gotten the kids ready and over to their house and down to Poto, it would have been 7pm. We would have had an hour to play & eat by the time we would have to go pick up the kids before they fell asleep.

*sigh* So much for going out for my birthday. Mike felt absolutely awful. He kept saying he was sorry. I told him it was alright. We’ll do something else. He then says something about my new phone then. I told him, “I don’t want you spending $200 on a new phone for me. It’s just too expensive right now.” I mean, I really really want a new phone but its just too expensive right now. I’d feel more comfortable saving up my money and buying it for myself.

So the next day, Saturday, my birthday, Mike had to work until 2:30pm. The kids woke me up early. For the most part they behaved themselves. I told Nickolas, “Its my birthday. So you guys are going to be very good boys, right?”

“Well Mom, I know Mikhail won’t be but I promise to try.”It was so cute.

So when Mike came home we knew our best friends, Adam and Gwenn might be coming over. We had plans on grilling steak for them. Well, we didn’t know whether or not Adam was going to get off work.  So, we were hanging around just relaxing. Gwenn shows up. She didn’t know whether or not Adam was coming out of work or if he had to stay late so she came over anyways. We were sitting here talking when she said she needed notebooks for school. I mentioned Target. She mentions Starbucks. Mike offers to pay for our Starbucks. I ask Mike if I can get an expansion pack for the Sims 3. He said it was alright.

So we head out the door. I offer to drive. Mainly because I can smoke while I’m driving then. Gwenn doesn’t smoke but doesn’t mind me smoking so I drive. Remind you my car is really loud. There is no catalac (sp?) converter, and no muffler. It sounds like a motorcycle its so loud. We get to target and waste our time there. We get what we need. Browse clearance. Just enjoy time together talking. The boys are figuring out dinner.

So this is what I got:

Woot. I love The Sims. I own all expansion packs + game for the first and second additions to this game (probably almost $2500 worth of games).

We got our starbucks. I called Mike to find out what was going on for dinner. We decided we were going to eat at Kopps. This frozen custard place with burgers and chicken sandwiches (which are delicious). Gwenn and I headed to go pick up Adam at their house. We picked up Adam. Got our food and headed back to the house.

After we all ate we relaxed for a while outside. In my old apartment we had our own private patio. We don’t have that here so its sucks a bit. The boys caught fire flies with Gwenn for a while. Then we came inside. It was bedtime for the boys so we put them down.We then decided (Gwenn and I) that we were going to play Mario on the Wii. The boys hate that game, so they refuse. So second best, we’re going to play Mario Party 8.

We played one round when both the boys started complaining. Mike saying, “I hate this game!” He gets very bitter when he doesn’t win. LOL

Afterward we just relaxed, watched some tv until Mike practically fell asleep on the couch. Adam and Gwenn left. Mike and I went to bed. We laid entangled in each others arms. He rubbed my back. Until we fell asleep. I love those little moments like that. <3

All and all, it was an alright birthday. I really wanted to go to Potawatomi though. Maybe some other time when we have a sitter they’ll let us go. Tonight I went and bought some Tiramisu for myself as a birthday cake for me. Its the little things you do for yourself that add up to be a lot.

Alright. I’ve got to be honest with you. The kids are still awake *rips out hair* I have to keep getting up with them every 20 minutes so its making writing this entry difficult. So I’m going to just end it at that.