First off, we went to look at the apartment again yesterday. It wasn’t nearly as big as we had both remembered it. Yes, it’s still big. No, its not bad that it wasn’t as big. Do I regret getting the apartment? Absolutely not. It’s still going to fit us, and all our stuff – hopefully. The last time we looked at the apartment we both did a really quick walk-through and didn’t pay attention to details just size. Not to mention, Mike was doped up on vicodin because of getting his wisdom teeth pulled.

I had a few problems with the the apartment the last time we went, those included:

• coin laundry in basement (we currently have a washer and dryer in my unit that is my own)
• kitchen is small
• school is further away
• pink tiles in the bathroom o.0 Yikes!
  

Alright, so all that stuff doesn’t sound too bad right? Well, really they’re not horrible cons, just something I’d be sacrificing moving in to this place; definitely something I’ am willing to do. Upon walking around again we finally got to see the basement, which we didn’t see before. We noticed that our storage locker was a very decent size and a plus is there’s built-in shelves which is really nice. The laundry room is an actual enclosed floating little room. – Usually when you live in an eight family apartment building you have 2-4 sets of washers and dryers in the basement just floating in the middle of the basement. Which worried me because I questioned how the hell I was going to be able to do the laundry while having Mikhail with me. Well, that worry was smashed when I saw the laundry room. Which is seriously this little brick room that is floating in the middle of the basement, completely enclosed and locked. So, I would just have to get the clothes and everything down there with Mikhail and then have him run around the little room (he can’t get in to too much down there since its probably only 10ft by 10ft) while I do my laundry. Awesome. One problem solved.

The next thing was that the kitchen a lot larger than I remembered. It was still smaller than mine, but who cares? It has a dishwasher! There was a really nice black shelf that was at eye level across the entire length of the sink which I thought was really nice. I was thinking of getting a vinyl decal that says “A cup of coffee shared with a friend is time well spent” which you can preview here: link I just don’t know if it will fit and would have to measure the shelf first. I’d also have to see how far the light is above the sink (or if there even is one)

The next thing is the dining room. You are probably saying, “What could possibly be wrong with a dining room?” Well, not a lot can be. I thought it was a lot bigger. You see, I’ve been over thinking this whole moving thing. Designing stuff in my mind, rearranging furniture and such already. Well, I failed to remember that the dining room is NOT as big as I recalled it being. *shrugs* That’s alright. So, I can’t set up the layout like I originally planned, I can work around that, right? Absolutely. So what else is the problem? Well, you see I recently went on an excursion to find some new fabric to reupolster my dining room chairs. I found some that I really liked after a long extended search and a lot of different choices of “I kind of like this one, and that one.”. I went with the red with tan, green, and dark brown accents. It has an oriental or asian like feel to it. I even bought some canvas to make a few wall panels to hang above the table to really make it look awesome…

So, awesome. Right? Yes. I thought so. I plan on doing a nice red or tan table cloth and some other accents on the table and/or centerpiece. So what’s the problem? I failed to notice the first time I went to the apartment that there is country-like wine & food platter wallpaper border around 2/3 walls of the dining room. Son of a bitch. Will it be okay? Absolutely. I’ll make it work. I noticed the colors in the wallpaper border do match the chairs, so that worked out for me. I will just have to either some how cover it up temporarily or just put stuff in front of it and hope no one notices. We’ll figure it all out when we’re there. I will make it work!

So the bathroom tile is peach, not pink. You also can very easily cover it with a shower curtain and it’s not that bad. Besides that, everything else is white so no worries about what colors I’ll do the rest of them!

The kids room is just as big as I remember it, if not bigger. They have the biggest room of the entire house. Even bigger than the living room. I showed a few people this picture and they thought that this was a picture of the living room. Remind you, the window on the right side is only half the window and there is just as much space as you see on the opposite side (meaning the window is in the middle of that wall on the right) … same goes for the other window too. Pictures never do any justice to size of the room because you can’t see the whole thing.

So, what else can I tell you? I made some magnets to go for my new kitchen…

I honestly don’t have much more to say. I’m really excited to be moving, if you haven’t noticed already. I am getting anxious and all that too. I am losing sleep over this, but that could just be my new medication I’m on. I’m extremely restless with stuff running through my head. I wish I could just turn it off.

We haven’t quite decided whether or not we’re going to get the internet immediately after we move in. We might wait a few weeks before getting it. The main reason for this is that we are paying a little more with this apartment and we need to get used to that bit of a price adjustment. Not only that, but we have a lot we can get done and quite frankly don’t need to be distracted with the internet. I get SO much done when the internet is out. I have no will power to keep myself off it. I have no self control. *hangs head in shame* I am an addict. I admit this.  So, we’ll see what happens. I’d still tweet and stuff via my phone, so no worries about keeping up with the latest and greatest.

I may or may not write another entry from now until the move. I just don’t know how busy I will be from now until then, and obviously if I don’t write for a few weeks after, you know why.

As a lot of you already are aware, I had won first place in the Little Cesar’s Bowl Game Bonanza sweepstakes back in December 2009. I had received a trip to go to one of the college football games. The timing was off, and we don’t really follow football so I chose the cash instead. A few weeks ago I received a check for $1000.

Isn’t that awesome? That’s my check for $1000 cash. I had almost two months of a waiting period between the time I won until the time I received the check; there was obviously a lot of thought put in to what I’d use this money for. I was going to use it for our weekend getaway trip, but Mike ended up paying for nearly all that happened while we were there. I was going to get my hair done but I couldn’t justify paying a large amount of money on my hair. So, I used it here and there, and this is what I got with my $1000.

Cash – I cashed my check and took out $100 cash. I used this hundred dollars for various little things. Starbucks here. Dinner there. You know, just pity stuff.

New Bed - Mike and I went out and bought a new bed. It was a smaller bed than what we had (we had a California King and it was humongous and completely unnecessary) So, we split the cost and got a new bed.

That is a queen size bed. Of course I bought the new bedspread and sheet set to go along with it. It’s really comfy and man can I tell you how nice it is to be able to have an end table next to my bed now!

Pizza – we ordered pizza one night for all of us. I thought it would be fun to have a nice little pizza night with a movie. It was enjoyable and Nick loved it.

My favorite book series – I finally bought the Stephanie Plum Series by Janet Evanovich. I’ve been watching eBay for these forever! I finally found the whole set, in very very good condition for $45. I couldn’t pass it up and bought it instantly.

Contact Exam – I had to get my contact exam done. I was putting this off for a while and I had no contacts left so I figured now is the best time to do it. It’s a hundred dollars just for the exam!!! So, I got that done and over with, now I can order contacts and/or buy them wherever.

Kohls – I’m going to just generalized my Kohl’s purchase in to one category. I got (4) pairs of jeans, a new set of pots and pans, and (3) new pillows for Mike and Nick.

I spent quite a bit there actually, but seriously I got some nice stuff. I cannot complain.

Dreamhost – I paid for my hosting package for another year. I had a lot of it already paid for due to referrals and such, so it wasn’t that big of a deal. Either way, I have hosting completely taken care of for the next year.

Boondock Saints Posters (for Mike) -  Long story short. Mike bought two posters on Black Friday while the store was having a 50% off sale. He bought two posters, both autographed for like $30. Not too shabby, right? Well, guess who ruined one poster because her son got a hold of it and I went to smack him in the ass with the poster tube  and the poster went flying out hitting the table. That’s right. This girl right here. So as a payback I bought Mike the posters again. Well, I bought the one that I wrecked plus the other one we wanted. Guess who spent $90 on two autographed posters that we had originally got for $15 or so? That’s right. This girl. Ugh! Remind me to stay FAR AWAY from anything I own when I’m pissed off. Thanks.

Car Registration – So, I obviously couldn’t use this money for ALL play and not the necessities. I had to register my car for this year and get my stickers for my plates – $75.00. Bastards.

Contacts – I went back today and ordered some contacts. I got one box for each eye.

Knives Set – I ordered a knew cutlery set. We got the Miracle Blades with butchers block. Mike’s parents have them so we know they’re decent. I needed new knives badly too. I nearly stabbed myself in the stomach the other day slicing an onion!

New Lamps – I found a great set of lamps for a good price at Bed Bath and Beyond. I heard that place is expensive (and from what I had seen it is) but I had never been in there before so I went to take a look. I found this set of really nice/fancy lamps for only $30!

Misc crap – Of course, whatever was left over I bought stuff here and there. You know, spent twenty at Walgreens for new hair ties, duct tape, and medication. LOL You know just random every day little shit I needed.

I must say though. I’m really proud of myself. Sure, I could have used the money on a lot more stuff for “myself” but I bought a lot of things for the house. I like a nice looking house so in a sense, it was for myself. Do I wish I could have bought more of something specific? I wish I had bought myself more clothes. Shirts mainly. I bought a bunch of pairs of jeans, so that’s good. I really hate shopping for clothes to be honest. I don’t like the way I look in a lot of it and I just HATE spending the money on it. I mean c’mon $20-30 for a shirt!? Jesus. I have a hard time with that.

Is the money completely gone yet? Not yet. It’s getting damn close though. I have a few more things I’d like to get, but I’m going to put that off. I did just get a new apartment and kinda wish I would have saved some for when we move in there so I could make sure that I have everything we need (and I REALLY want to decorate). Oh well, no regrets. I got a LOT of stuff for $900. I really cannot complain.

It’s in a decent area. We weren’t looking to move so far east, but regardless our commute to Mike’s work and his parents (which is where the kids go a lot when we need sitters for whatever) is way shorter than what it is now. We looked at the first apartment which was a lower. It was at $590, which was a little more than we wanted to pay. We were looking to pay either the same as what we paid now ($575) or less. We still wanted to take a look though. We walked in and noticed that the layout of the apartment was very similar to ours but extremely bigger.  (We believe our apartment is about 600-700sqft) so another 200sqft makes a HUGE difference. The kitchen is smaller than our current apartment, which sucks but I was willing to sacrifice it (for now). There is a nice big coat closet and a nice linen closet. There were two bedrooms that were HUGE. The bathroom was very spacious with an extra large vanity which I loved. The tiling and bathroom was outdated – but it’s an apartment, I cannot complain. There are two parking spaces for our cars which is definitely a plus. And since we’re on the road, our guests wouldn’t have to worry about guest parking but could park on the street if necessary… I’m not even going to describe the other one; we didn’t get it anyways.

We wanted to fill out an application right away. Mike was extremely nervous about the price but we figured if we have to get rid of some of the extras we have right now, so be it. We had to pay the security deposit before even applying which is something I’ve never had to do before but luckily we had the money to do it. We ran to the bank, signed our lives away, and was told “We’ll let you know if the credit check comes through.” It did. She calls us two hours later to know that we were approved and we can move in as soon as March 15th if we wanted to. We’re planning to move around the last weekend of March though. — I’m so excited. I’m happy to get out of the shit hole apartment in which I’m in now. I am sacrificing a few things with this place, but its worth it.

Moving on. I see a new “pdoc” or psychiatrist today. I went in there with  a straight forward mind with what I wanted and needed. I walked in and he asked “how are you doing?” like they always do. I told him “I’m fine. Great even.” He asked what’s going on and I said everything I could straight to the point. “I’m bipolar. I would like a mood stabilizer. I’m currently manic, that could be due to the fact that I was given Wellbutrin to quit smoking. I have not quit smoking. I don’t know when I plan to. Obviously I’m aware that the medicine will do nothing until I’m ready to quit. I just don’t know when that is. I’ve gotten an evaluation with the doctor at building #3 and I have seen Donna Roy already. She gave me geodon – I had massive side effects. I couldn’t physically lift myself out of bed.  I was then given Abilify and I got so sick I wound up in the hospital for dehydration and non-stop throwing up. I stopped all medication and decided to not see Donna Roy anymore and came to you.”

He nodded his head and proceeded to do the normal, “Well, what exactly do you mean you’re manic. What are your symptoms that you’re having that make you believe you’re manic.” Heh. This pissed me off. I wasn’t having it. This might be the last doctor available, but he obviously knows what he’s doing, and I obviously am in one of those I just don’t give a flying fuck about a single thing anymore type of moods.

I looked at him and said, “I’m manic. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar since I was around 13 years old. I know manic means. I’ve been having racing thoughts. I stay up for hours. I feel invincible and that causes me to get in a lot of trouble. I basically could give a flying crap about anything at this moment. Obviously, when I’m depressed I’m the exact opposite.”

He starts to ask if I was ever given Lamictal, or Depakote? I told him no.I gave him the run down to all the medications I have had. Geodon, Abilify, Zoloft, Prozac, Citalopram. That’s it. No mood stabilizers. None. EVER.

He told me he was going to prescribe me Depakote. I am going to have to read up on this but so far everyone has told me this is a miracle drug. I’m going to fill the prescription tomorrow. I was prescribed to take (2) 500mg pills at night. He told me to come back in 4 weeks, and he also gave me the phone number to their therapists and psychologists so I can get back in to that. I told him I’d think it over, mainly because my last psychologist fell asleep on me. He was shocked. He was ALSO shocked no one had given me a mood stabilizer before. I made sure he was well aware that the nurse practitioner that I had seen before right in the next room didn’t even prescribe it for me.  He was really nice. (An hour late, but nice regardless) His appointments are extremely hard to get, and he’s ALWAYS running late. I sat there for an hour. Which was normal, if not fast for him.

So anyways, that was my day. Holy shit right? I’m excited. I’m going to fill my medication tomorrow and start it tomorrow. We’ll see how it works. I’m completely overwhelmed at this point about moving. The packing, the moving, everything. You figure, this apartment is the first place I’ve stayed at longer than 6 months in the past 15 years. Also, when I moved back then, I was told “Get the fuck out.” Which means EVERYTHING I owned would get thrown in to boxes, moved, and unpacked all in one day. I have to wait a month and a few weeks before we move. Which means, I have PLENTY of time to pack and stuff. I almost wish I didn’t have the kids over the next few weeks so I could really go through everything. Get rid of all the junk and crap. Donate whatever needs to be donated. Take whatever is being sold to his Mom’s house, etc. I’m not sure what we’re going to do with all our junk, but I guess I have a while to think that over. I’m freaking out… but in a sense, its in a good way.

Now to what you all have been waiting for, our weekend getaway.  It was a great weekend. I really can’t describe everything and anything that happened simply because … well … Yea, I’m not going there. Haha! Anyways, we stayed at Chula Vista Resort in Wisconsin Dells.

It was a fairly nice place. I mean, for the price, I was expecting a five-star resort, but it was … well not that. I don’t know, I really can’t complain. It’s a fairly nice place, but if I would have paid a large amount of money for that – I’d be pretty pissed off. We had won a gift card from Mike’s company Christmas Party last year and just now were able to take the vacation away to use it.  It still ended up costing us out of pocket to go to this place. It ended up being like $450 for the weekend for just the room (which included access to the waterpark – which we didn’t even go to.)

On Friday afternoon, Mike got off work early and we went to take the kids over to his Mom’s house because she was going to watch the boys for us over the weekend. We dropped them off and had a couple of places we had to run around to, including the adult “video” store.  After some long browsing and buying there, we finally headed on our way to the Dells.

It took us a lot longer to get up that than we had originally anticipated but that was alright. We went to Walmart to get some munchies and such for while we were in our room. We ended up just getting dinner there too. We got to the hotel and went to go check in. We noticed there were tons of people around, and all of them were apart of a group. We noticed a sign on the front desk, “MASS SATURDAY AT 6:30PM IN THE CONVENTION CENTER”. We didn’t really think much of it. Mike realized shortly after that, there was a church convention going on that weekend. HA!

We were there to have a romantic, affectionate, and well, quite frankly, kinky type of weekend together. Here we were, surrounded by thousands of bible huggers preaching to one another about their morals. Oh goodness, help me. I told Mike, “If I see a large group of them, I plan to slap your ass or throw you up against the wall and make out with you in a serious way.” I was going to at least have a little fun while I was there. We made our way up to our room which was on the 3rd floor, all the way at the end of the hall. The last room on that floor. We walked in and I wasn’t too impressed, but it would definitely serve its purpose as “our home” for the weekend.

It wasn’t a bad room. We had a king size bed, coffee maker, microwave, mini fridge, two sinks (one in the bathroom, another outside of the bathroom so someone else could get ready) and a jacuzzi tub. Yes, there is a jacuzzi tub behind the loveseat. It’s surrounded by mirrors. It was pretty big though. We were content with the room.

On Saturday after we had awoken, we laid in bed and just watched some tv together. My god, how peaceful was that. No kids screaming for you to get up. No one telling you they wet their bed, or jumping on the bed. No demands for breakfast. We rolled over, and it was silence. I honestly believe we both really needed that. It was so damn relaxing. I forgot what it was like to wake up without having a single worry in the world. Sure, we go out all the time without the kids since they’re at the grandparents overnight, but we almost always have to pick them up by 9-11am so as soon as we wake up, we are rushing out the door.

After a while, we got up and decided to browse around the hotel for a while. We threw on our lounge clothes and started to see what kind of stuff we could get in to. We wanted to go to the Bistro and get some coffee and pastries for breakfast but they didn’t have anything out for us to see what was available. Then, while we were walking around there were tons of these teenagers, that were all wearing name tags and descriptions of what churches they were apart of. We walked by the “Resurrection” room towards the gift shops. There wasn’t a whole lot at the shops, so we continued to check out the arcade and then the indoor waterpark. We didn’t even look in the waterpark. If it was any indication of anything else we say, we knew we weren’t going to be impressed. We headed back to our room to carry on with the rest of the day, while we were in the elevator we found a few bibles lined up on the advertising frame. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind religious people, but jeez don’t push your religious bible hugging bull shit on me. Thanks.

*Remind you, I’m leaving out some obvious parts ;]* We headed back to our room got some stuff and headed over to the Outlet Malls. We found some new shoes for Mikhail – he has to wear special, expensive shoes because he has Mike’s incredibly wide feet. We also found him some sleepers. I searched and searched for something for Nickolas, but wasn’t able to find anything he doesn’t already have. After we shopped, we headed to lunch. We went to Buffalo Phil’s and got some food. It was so good. I got the chicken fajitas. Yum! We ate far too much and headed back to our room because there really isn’t a whole lot to do in the Dells in the winter time. Obviously all the waterparks, attractions, and such are all closed.

After some relaxing and such, I decided to spend about an hour in the jacuzzi tub. I laid down, turned on the jets, added some bubbles and just laid there for an hour. I was so incredible relaxed. My mind couldn’t even think of a single thing to worry about or dwell on. I got out and just felt, so relieved. I went and took some pictures of our view from outside of our room.

It was an awesome view. You could see the Wisconsin River in the background and there was a small creek that came off the river. I liked it. I must say though, at night when I went out to smoke a cigarette, I was scared that some vampire was going to jump off the top of the trees. LOL

After going back and forth about what we were going to do next, we ended up going to Ho Chunk Casino. We ate at the buffet and went downstairs to do some gambling. Because we signed up for their rewards program we each got free $10 to play on the slots. Mike and I sat down at a $0.05 slot and started to play. As soon as we hit something, even if it was tiny, we got up and moved to another machine. We bounced from one machine to the next playing penny, two-cent, and nickle slots for a few hours. Eventually, I hit $50 on a penny slot. We could have stopped there, but we were out and having fun so we kept playing. I got down to $25 and sat down at a different slot. I got myself back up to $35 but kept playing since Mike was on his machine still. I hit $22 again and was like, “okay it’s time to go.” Needless to say, it was money we were playing that wasn’t even our anyways, and we came out ahead or you can say our dinner at the buffet was free. We headed on “home” and after some relaxing we went to bed.

The next morning we had to get up early and check out. We got up and relaxed a while before leaving.We left and headed to IHOP for some breakfast then back to Walmart so we could buy his parents their new tv we planned on getting them. We had a fairly quick ride home and went to his parents house to watch the Superbowl with them and the kids.

It was an amazing weekend. Mike and I really got the chance to re-connect. Trips like that away have always made us “reconnect and fall in love all over again”. I think we definitely needed it. I mean, granted as soon as we were home and the normal stresses of life were back on our shoulders things kinda went back to normal – either way, we still have in our memories that we were able to spend such an amazing weekend together. I love him. He really made it magical for me. He expressed how much he cared and loved me. I wish we didn’t have to leave to come back to reality. I’d miss the kids – eventually but that weekend to me was short lived. I still enjoyed myself regardless.

The day was long on Saturday. We had a lot to do, and no motivation to do any of it. Mike started his running around around 9am and got all the stuff he needed to figure out taken care of. I was sick all weekend, I couldn’t keep anything down and just felt nauseous. It wasn’t fun. I assumed it was nerves and just carried on with my business.

Before I continue, let me just say this: This entry is not going to be long. I’m not going to go into full detail about this and that, honestly I just have no desire to write this post to begin with; I’m doing it just so I can look back and be like “Oh yea! I remember that.” Also, I want to post the photos of everything. That’s pretty much the only reason why I’m even considering writing this entry; bare with me with this short non-descriptive entry. Thanks.

Anyways, carrying on … After an extremely extended “omg, nothing is working out” type of day we FINALLY made it to the hotel around 4pm. After getting everything in our rooms, Gwenn and I went straight to the bathroom and began working on our hair and make-up. The boys sat around watching tv for a while since they were waiting for Adam’s little brother. We had a few guest show up, including Mike’s parents while we waited to go down to the party. Finally we got all ready, the boys were in the Christmas attire and we headed downstairs.

It was incredibly different this year. There were a lot more people, try double the amount of people from last year. We walked in the banquet hall and you couldn’t find anyone anywhere. We picked a table all the way in the back corner with everyone we hung out with and sat down. The entire banquet hall was filled with tables, last year the buffet was in the back of the room; the dance floor filled the front of the room. We all enjoyed dinner, I had finally ate something and I probably shouldn’t have even bothered. I also had some wine with dinner. Remind you, I don’t like wine. I don’t like to drink anything but hard liquor because I don’t like the taste of any of it. Afterward, everyone disappeared leaving me at the table with Mike’s Mom. Usually I have no problem getting along with her, unfortunately I wanted to get drunk and have fun but was losing my buzz very quickly. This is what started my excessive drinking past my limit.

I finally got away from the table, headed back upstairs to the room and started doing shot after shot. I wanted to get my buzz going again. I told myself the past few months that I wanted to drink heavily, and dammit, I’m going to drink heavily. Long story short, I drank too much, I should have stopped there. We went back downstairs, met up with some people. Sat at the table awhile, went back upstairs, met up with some more people, invited them in for shots… I ended up way too intoxicated. I don’t think I’ve been that drunk in a very long time. I already wasn’t feeling well the previous two days, I ate food that didn’t agree with me, and here I was taking shot after shot without holding back, slowing down, or just stopping.

You can all guess what happened next … That’s right. I got sick. For the first time in my entire life, I actually got sick from drinking. I was ashamed and kinda mad at myself that I allowed myself to get that drunk. I learned my lesson that is for sure. *shrugs* Oh well. I ended up sitting in the bathroom for god only knows how long until I felt I was able to get up. Mike finally pounded on the door and told me to get my ass outta there before he breaks it down. I opened up, changed outta my clothes, hit the bed and passed out. I woke up the next day feeling like absolute crap.

Did I have fun? Yes.
Did I enjoy it this year more than last year? No. I had a lot more fun last year. It was longer. Everyone got rooms this year, so once the prizes and such were given away, everyone booked upstairs to their rooms. Another thing, everyone had rooms this year so everyone was really spread out. Sure, I got sick, but I still had fun. I really don’t have much more to say than that. *shrugs* Sorry.

Here’s what you’re waiting for though – The pictures. I am going to attempt to put captions underneath them so if you see them, it worked, if you don’t. I failed miserably.

As many of you know, Mike’s company Christmas Party is this Saturday. It’s a huge event for us. Well, it’s not huge as in … no it’s exactly that. We cannot wait for this to happen every year. We get all dressed up, share a hotel room for the “after party”, get really drunk, and just really have a lot of fun. It’s the one night we can go out for an actual event and we enjoy ourselves a lot. I just really like it that I’m able to go out, get completely trashed with no worries. I drank too much, and don’t feel good? No worries! I just have to go up to our hotel room and either puke, or go to bed. I don’t drink a lot often, but sometimes a girl has to have some fun at my age. I’m not 80, ya know?

Anyways, I’m not one for dressing up, but I decided, fuck it. I’m going all out this year. Mike decided to do the same also apparently. I really don’t like spending money, I especially don’t like spending money on myself. I actually had to have a few friends (thanks guys) talk me through it. I’m that over dramatic about spending money. Since I’m patiently waiting for my prize money from the Sweepstakes I won last month, I decided it’s not going to kill me to spend a little money and buy something I like. Now, I’m not particularly girlie. In fact, I hate being dressed up to an extent. I’m a tom-boy. I always have been one. So, my dressing up for my sister’s wedding was a huge deal. Well, this weekend, I had a lot of ups and downs, but regardless I bought some stuff that made me feel rather girlie.

My first mission was to find a shirt to go with my pants that I finally found after a long search last week.  I’m chubby, there’s no denying that. It’s extremely hard for me to find clothes that not only look right on me, but make me feel comfortable, let alone good. Not to mention I’m extremely picky when it comes to actual clothes. I will almost always wear a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt all day, every day, and not give a damn but when I actually want to dress up and look nice, I’m picky.

Anyways, Friday night Gwenn and I went to Kohl’s to begin this mission. I wasn’t looking forward to it, I hate shopping. I had found originally found this really cute red kimono looking shirt at Kohl’s while I was browsing online. That’s what I wanted to get. We went to the store, found the shirt, I tried it on. Fail. I looked like I was carrying pizza down under my shirt where my stomach was. Note to all of you who don’t have kids: You will end up looking like you have a pizza dough belly afterward, especially if you’re already chunky and/or lose 50lbs gain 50lbs during the entire ordeal. I was disappointed, but I didn’t want to give up. Gwenn and I searched for something else I found rather attractive and appealing. I found a few more that I thought were up to par, tried them on. Fail. Nothing. Fucking great. Now I feel like a I’m a giant fat ass. My self esteem drops dramatically. What felt like, and I really don’t think I’m exaggerating on this number, 30 shirts later, I found nothing that looked right on me or fit correctly. I went home empty handed and I was extremely disappointed.

Upon returning home with Gwenn, the boys had decided to leave to go on their excursions to get some clothes for the Christmas party at the mall. Gwenn and I hung out and I tried extremely hard to just stop being so glum. After a while, the boys returned with big ol’ smiles. You see, every year, Mike and Adam do something … different. No one ever thought they’d ever see Mike all decked out, dressed up, and in a tie. So last year’s Christmas Party, Mike and Adam decided to go all out with their dress shirts and ties. Everyone was quite impressed. Well, this year was a little different. There is a new knucklehead in the group, and all three of the boys decided this year will be the full blown decked out “ugly Christmas sweater” look. All of them found some sweet sweaters on eBay and they wanted to find some pants and other stuff to go with it. Well, they came home and tried everything on … I’m going to be killed for posting these publicly, but it’s so worth it.

Aren’t they darling? LOL well, they all decided that the corduroy pants would be awesome for the finishing touches. It was hilarious to say the least. They’re really going to “wow” them at the party. Well, since they don’t plan on wearing that get up the entire night. They decided to also buy “guido outfits“, you know, washed out jeans and an affliction t-shirt, for after dinner so they’re a lot more comfortable. Whatever. I don’t really care. Besides, Mike looks extra hot in his stuff. I’m not used to him getting all decked out. He even bought cologne! Yes, cologne! This man has never wore cologne in his life. I’m a sap for the shit. I asked him who the girl is that he’s been getting all decked out for. He replied, “You. Only you.” I can handle that.

Well, Saturday we all met up at the Mall. I decided that at this point, price is no longer an issue with finding me a shirt to wear to this party. I don’t care, as long as it looks good on me. Gwenn and I went to Torrid and started looking there. We  went straight for the clearance rack and started looking. If I was gonna save some money, I might as well try, ya know? We found three shirts there and I tried them on. There were two that looked pretty good on me, the other was meh alright, but I wasn’t extremely comfortable in it. I ended up picking the shirt that Gwenn really liked, for herself. Sorry Gwenn! You can borrow it anytime!

I also bought something else while I was there… After a discussion Gwenn and I had the previous night, I decided I wanted to buy some lingerie. I figured, I’ve never bought any. I don’t have anything that I can “feel sexy” in, so what the hell! Besides, what better time to “try it out” is while Mike and I are alone for the weekend at Chula Vista? I ended up buying this little number shown to the right. It’s not oober revealing. It’s … sexy. I feel really comfortable in it, and most importantly, I feel sexy in it. *shrugs* It will work. I just hope that Mike likes it and that he appreciates it. I’m sure he will, but we’re not going to get into that right now. Either way, this was the ultimate “you’re definitely becoming more girlie” item I bought this weekend.

So, there you have it. That’s the shirt I got. I think it looks alright on me. It does look way better on Gwenn, but I really didn’t feel like bothering with trying more clothes on. Besides that, the boys were extremely impatient that day. So, after some Starbucks, we went and met up with the boys. We went back home and all hung out for the night.

Mike and I had to go back to the store on Sunday because they had forgot the security ink tag thing on my shirt. While we were there, I decided to go to the Icing to look at what kind of jewelery they had there. I wanted to get some earrings and maybe some bracelets or something to wear for the party. I have had my ears pierced since I was six months old, and I hardly ever wear them. I don’t know why other than the fact they bother me most of the time. I found some really cute heart earrings, and I got some dangle ones too. (which I really don’t wear but I figured, what the hell. I’m going to make myself look hot.) I also got some eye shadow that was on clearance for $2.00 each.I was really impressed with them and figured, why the hell not, just by them. So, I did, and I was quite happy with them. I put the earrings in right away to make sure that my ears were still opened and didn’t decided to close up. I had no problems. Yay!

Needless to say, we had a very productive, busy weekend. Next weekend is the Christmas party so that will be busy as well, the following weekend Mike and I take our anniversary/valentine’s day weekend getaway from everything. I spent way too much money this weekend. Was it worth it? Of course it was. Do I feel good about doing it? Eh. That’s tough to say. I feel good about myself that I bought stuff to make myself feel better, happier, sexier, more attractive, etc. I feel bad that I spent as much as I did, but that’s a whole new topic for another time.

Besides that, we have Mike’s holiday Christmas Party on the 30th. To give you a little recap of what happened last year, Mike wanted us to quit smoking after Mikhail was born. I agreed, but was unwilling of the whole thing. I wanted to do it for him. Well, a month down the road, I was still in agony due to the fact that I was obsessing over a cigarette. The craving was just as strong 1 month later as it was 1 day after I didn’t have a cigarette. Anyways, we went to the party, and I got incredibly trashed. Mike, remind you, has amazing willpower. He was able to quit, with no problem, no freaking out, no major cravings, just fine. So, while drunk as hell at this party, our friend said “C’mon Mike, you and Nikki want a cigarette, you know you do.” Mike agreed. I was SO happy he was going to allow us to smoke since we were drinking. He explained this was simply due to the fact that we were drinking, I said alright.

Later on that night, everyone was going out for another smoke. Mike said, “No. I don’t want one.” He was perfectly alright with this. I was screaming in my mind. Omg! I had to have another cigarette. You let me have one, why won’t you let me have one more for this night. Tomorrow, no more I promise. He denied me this. I grew extremely upset. I was drunk as hell, my emotions were running high, and he just denied me something I wanted incredibly bad at the time. I locked myself in the bathroom of our hotel room, and he finally came in, and spent the next six hours in the bathroom… trying to help me feel better.

A few months later, we had another party to attend at a friend’s house. I was so incredibly unhappy, mean, and ignorant at that party. No one wanted to be around me. I couldn’t talk to anyone because I despised them all. They were allowed to smoke, and I wasn’t.I got in to a huge fight with Mike that night. I couldn’t understand it. Why is it after months and months of quitting I never got over that “initial shock of quitting” that you’re supposed to overcome within a few weeks. The craving and addiction grew more and more every day, not better. I never forgot about it. I began obsessing over it. I was against Mike’s wishes, so I chose not to do it. I didn’t want to displease him. He wouldn’t’ have been anger, or hated me for doing it, just disappointed. I didn’t want to disappoint him. I told him after we left the party that night, after my fits that I had thrown like a two year old, that I no longer wanted to go to anymore social events. I told him I couldn’t handle it, I didn’t want to ruin it for anyone. I just want to avoid them at all costs due to not being able to smoke. How horrible am I?

A few months later, we had another party to attend, one in which we attended every year. It was our friend’s birthday party. The same friend that we went to previously, where I was the biggest bitch in the entire world because I wasn’t smoking. I wasn’t excited about going. I didn’t want to go; Mike finally told me, he’d buy me cigarettes, I can only smoke them tonight because we’d be drinking and such, and then I’m done. I agreed…

I don’t know what happened next, but ultimately I ended up hooked again. After five months of not smoking; but still obsessing every single day about being an ex-smoker.

Long story short, that was nearly a year ago. I have only smoked 1 pack a week. On a rare occasion, its 2 packs a week due to going out and partying and I smoke more. So, once again, I’m attempting to quit. I wasn’t told I had to quit. I am choosing to quit – kinda. In my eyes, I don’t want to quit. I like smoking. I enjoy smoking. Most important of them all; it is my ONLY vice I have when dealing with the ups and downs I experience every single day. It helps me rage less towards my kids when I get extremely irritable. So, here I am, I want to quit, kinda. I don’t have the money for it. We don’t have the money for it. Who the hell am I to take that $14 a week away from my family?

I’ve weighed the pros and cons over and over again. I understand the benefits from quitting. I know what the benefits are. I believe in the benefits. I’m scared of quitting because I’m scared I’m not going to be able to overcome my high that I’m having from mania when it gets bad, or my low when I get depressed and feel like I have nothing left.

Anyways… I’ve been reading this book over the course of the last four or five days. All of the reviews on Amazon found; here. Have all pretty much stated the same thing – this helped them quit smoking.  I was skeptical while reading it. How can a book do anything!? I began reading it with an open mind, and hope that this can help me.

I began reading it and within the first few chapters, I was really inspired. I decided, I like this. I like what its doing to me. I like the way I’m thinking on it. So I continue to read a few more chapters everyday. Now, like I previously stated, while you’re reading this book, you’re supposed to continue to smoke.

Last night, I went to play bingo with my Mom. Normally I chain smoke while being there because you can just smoke while you’re playing openly, and so I tend to do it a lot more. I noticed I had a huge change due to reading that book. A lot of what was said in that book really played over and over in my mind; I did forget a lot of the key points. Luckily, I remembered enough to the point where I only had 3 cigarettes over the entire span of 5 hours. I was proud of myself. I was inspired!

I came home last night and continued to read some more chapters, far too quickly. I didn’t want to smoke at all the rest of the night. I tried to read more this morning, but Mikhail was sick, and I wasn’t able to concentrate much. So, I smoked the first cigarette around 1pm. I went that long without a cigarette. I was fine. So, then I decided and told myself with my second, “Nikkole. This is the last cigarette for the rest of your life.” … yea I freaked out.

So, I told Mike of my plan and he calmed me down. He said, “We have that Christmas Party to go to next weekend. You’re going to want to smoke. Why don’t you just stick to your original quit date of the 1st, and we’ll go from there.” That helped tremendously. I’m so happy he understands me.

So, that’s currently where I am at. I am really being conscious of my smoking now. I am paying attention to every drag off the cigarette and really opening my eyes about how disgusting and distasteful it really is. I’m hoping with this, I’ll teach myself how much I really don’t want to do this. If I change my mind set of this is disgusting, why are you doing it. Its going to eventually feel like I’m forcing myself to smoke; Eventually, if I’m forcing myself to smoke, I’m not going to want to do it anymore… That’s my plan.

… I’m going to continue to teach and train my mind with the knowledge I learned from this book. I’m going to read through it and re-read through it to make sure I understand everything that’s being said. I really think it will help me a lot, if I can get through it and really take what’s written in the book to heart.

Another thing I’m thinking about; smoking is on the bottom of my achievement list. I want to get my bipolar taken care of first, physical health next, weight and dieting, then smoking.

Maybe that’s just me making excuses; and that I’m making excuses today that I’ll never quit because “tomorrow” will never come. I want to keep the only vice I feel I have, during the toughest time in my life overcoming all this stuff I’m going through. I will overcome this someday. I want to do it for Mike, and quit with him even though he’s quit and never looked back. I want to do this for my family. I especially want to do this for myself. And it really has taken A LOT to get me to the point of saying that.

I’ll work on it… I have to start slowing myself down though. Take ONE step at at time. Right now, I’m charging through EVERYTHING at once… and I’m setting myself up for a major crash. As I said in my previous post found here; “I’ve been soaring high, and I’m scared to death of the height”
I have to slow myself down, and start looking at the BIG picture and take one step at a time, so my crash isn’t too hard.

… smoking will come. At this point, my mental health is extremely more important to me to fix first.

• Taking Matt to court and while not getting the justice I was expecting, I got all our child support we deserved.
• I’ve been taking Wellbutrin to quit smoking. I have also been reading a new book; “The Easy Way To Stop Smoking” which has 500 five star reviews from people that quit smoking after reading this book, or quit smoking the second time reading it. More about this later though…
• I’ve decided to diet, and be true to it. We went grocery shopping and I bought a ton of healthy food. I’m still working on proportion control, but it’s all healthy food that I’m eating too much of.
• I’ve seen my new physician (general doctor) and have been getting everything taken care of with my health. He did a ton of blood work on me, just to be sure I’m alright in all those aspects. I’m also, most importantly, getting my carpal tunnel taken care of. More on this later also…
• I’ve schedule to see the actual Psychiatrist at the medication clinic that I was at previously. (I was only seeing a nurse practitioner before that) That isn’t until mid February, but everything that I’m doing coincides with all that I think I’ll be able to do more so when I have the proper medication cocktail.
• I have been educating myself on all there is to know about bipolar, medications, and treatment. I want to go to the doctors office with an educated mind; That way when they attempt to yet again prescribe me anti-psychotics, I’ll kindly ask them to just give me my first mood stabilizer to try. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar since I was 13 years old, and never once have I been on a mood stabilizer. I’m just trying to figure out what the hell I’m saying wrong to these people where they believe I need an anti-depressant, or anti-psychotic!? I know the last time, I said something about being paranoid a lot (I later found out this wasn’t due to bipolar, but due to my control I was under with my ex, and I’m paranoid that Mike feels the same way) and so she gave me anti-psychotics. No more being pushed around. I know what I’m talking about now (for the most part, not really, but I can at least act like I do)
• I’ve been spending a lot more time focusing on the kids and my family. I used to hide my face in my laptop for HOURS just not caring what was going on around me. It was my escape from the drama and stresses of life. I wouldn’t ever spend time with my kids because I would make excuses that I “had work to do”. I’m doing a lot better with this.
• The boys and myself all fully have doctors picked out. There will be no more massive phone calls to the insurance companies to figure out what the hell kind of doctors I can get myself or the kids.
• My bills (but one, that I’m currently fighting, long story) are completely paid off.
• I opened a savings account for Nickolas using a huge portion of the child support money I got.
• I paid Mike’s Mom back for everything she bought and did for us when we weren’t able to buy Nick’s school clothes/supplies.
• I’ve held strong with not calling Matt and asking him why he hasn’t taken his son. I’m not putting up the effort anymore.
• I’ve been a better person all around. I’ve been helping out a lot of friends with a lot problems they’re having. Normally I don’t even listen half the time because I’m too depressed and off in my own little world. I offer advice, but it’s never thoughtful as much as it is right now.
• I filled out, completed, and submitted my FAFSA forms for college. I was thinking about possibly attending in the fall, but I’m not sure at this point. We’re discussing all possibilities.

So everything I wrote above sounds great, right? Yea, its great alright. I’m very proud, and I feel very accomplished. These are things I’ve wanted to work on for a very long time; Sadly, due to depression, I felt as though I couldn’t or it wasn’t worth it. So, you’re probably wondering, “Nikkole, you’ve been doing a great job! Why are you so worried? You should feel accomplished! Be proud of what you’ve overcome and done in the past few weeks, instead of being down.”

Here’s my problem; I’m going to crash. I know I’m going to crash at some point. There is no fighting it. It could take a week, a month, hell maybe even a year. Either way. I’m bipolar, and someday, I will crash. I’m so scared that when I crash, I’m not going to give a flying fuck about ANYTHING I’ve done above. I have done this many many times in the past!

When I’m manic, I’m manic. There’s nothing more to it than that. I rage like the worst PMSin’ bitch you have ever known. I stay awake for days and days without a single feeling of exhaustion. My house is clean due to the fact that I can’t sit down knowing there’s a cheerio on the floor and Mikhail is asleep so there’s no need for it to be there. My thoughts are racing to the point where I seriously don’t make a single god damn ounce of sense when I’m talking to ANYONE (in person, I do a good job online, for the most part… just a lot of typos) … damn I got an instant message, and I completely lost my train of thought.

Anyways, I fear I’m going to crash. Because I am “up so high” right now; I know when I do crash, its going to be hard. I’m trying to prevent that, but really, what can you really do to prevent the inevitable. I’m just worried. I’m honest to god, scared of this when it happens. I’m really happy (although, that’s a false sense of happy) but nonetheless.

… I keep losing my train of thought tonight … So I’m going to just it with that.

This morning, I’ve been more upset than I ever have been with Nickolas. I have no idea where to turn. I don’t know what to do. I have hit this point where I’m seriously left without answers. My mind is in a constant argument with itself regarding everything I do as a parent. I second guess the choices I’ve made. I worry myself until literally making myself puke with whether I’m doing “it right”. I lay awake at night for hours wonder what I’ve done wrong.

I might remind you, we took him to the doctor when he was 4 years old, and told him we were having issues with him listening and doing what he’s told. The doctor said, “He’s a normal 4 year old boy.” So, we haven’t gone back with it because he said the same thing at age 5. Nickolas is now six years old. He’s in kindergarten for the first time. He has a new brother at our house (who is a year old, so he’s accepted that and the idea has grown on him). He also suddenly was throw in to a new situation when Matt (his dad) got a new girlfriend, who was apparently 6 months pregnant, and then suddenly he had a new brother at his house. Matt moved out of his Mom’s, into his girlfriends, with his new alleged son, and Nick was just taken for the ride.

This is what we’re currently experiencing…

• Every single time, without fail, I’m talking every single time he eats any meal at the table. He gets up. He will not just sit down and eat a meal! I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried no tv while he eats (which makes it worse) I’ve tried sitting next to him and telling him “sit down” every time he has the urge to get up. I’ve tried taking away his plate telling him when you get up, it means you’re done. I’ve come to the point if I have to say “Nickolas, sit down and eat your food” one more time, I’m going to lose it. I’m going to have mental breakdown and lose all patience and everything else I could possibly have left. This drives me CRAZY.
• He does that with nearly everything though. You tell him to do something, he does NOT do it. It’s like he doesn’t comprehend what the fuck you’re trying to say or telling him to do. Now, don’t get me wrong, he is an EXTREMELY smart little boy. All of his teachers have noticed the same thing; He knows what you’re telling him to do. He understands what you’re telling him to do. He will even repeat, word for word, what you’ve asked of him. Will he do it? No. He will do the exact opposite to be exact.
• We have three rules in my house. Do not touch your brother. Listen to Mike and Mom. Follow directions. That’s all. We have the “do not touch your brother” rule in place because he likes to push him around, follow him, and quite frankly it pisses off Mikhail to the point where he’ll smack him and NICK goes crying. I don’t think we are asking too much of him. To me sometimes it feels like all we’re doing is ask him to do to this and that AND that’s with ignoring A LOT.
• As for discipline: This is what we’ve tried.
  1. Going to your room and taking a brief time out (usually its about 5-10 minutes depending on how long it takes for him to chill out.) This doesn’t work because unless we’re sitting there, completely ignoring him while he screams and cries. He will get up and play with his abundance of stuff.
  2. Sit on the “naughty spot” for time outs. We’ve done this, but he’s beat the system. He will sit there, patiently and good during those 6 minutes of time out. Say he’s sorry, then he’s RIGHT BACK to doing whatever it was that caused him on a time out in the first place. *smacks forehead*
  3. Take away toys. We have taken away toys, movies, dvd player, tv, etc. At one point in time, he was left with nothing but books in his room and of course his furniture.
  4. Spend more time with him – Don’t give me that shit. I was raised to know that it was PERFECTLY acceptable that I played, in my room, ALONE, all day long. I used my imagination. I made up games. I didn’t have to have my parents giving me attention, all day, all night. He needs to learn that, ALL KIDS NEED TO LEARN THAT. I’m going to end this one at that… I have quite the rant about the bull shit parents today in society is teaching their kids. Honestly, my generation is FUCKED when it comes to raising kids. Do we raise them the way OUR parents raised them, we turned out alright. Or do we coddle them, hold their hands, and do the BULL SHIT way society wants kids raised now. Ahem, society – you have all these statistics about how kids are being raised and how its effecting their lives. So us parents, change the way we are raising them so we’re not frowned upon from society – and the kids get worse. Guess what, your methods SUCK ASS.
  5. We’ve done the star chart rewards system where he gets to put a star on if he’s good. He takes a star off if he’s bad.

Alright, basically, here’s my dilemma. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing wrong. “Take him to a doctor and get him checked out, it could be out of your hands and it could be ADHD.” Fine whatever. I don’t want my kid hopped up on medication causing him to drool and look like a zombie. KIDS NEED TO BE KIDS NOW A DAYS – THEY’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE ANYMORE! (once again, that rant is for another day)

So, all I want to know is – how the hell do I get him to fucking listen THE FIRST TIME I ask him to do ANYTHING?! He listens, but he doesn’t FOLLOW THROUGH. I’ve began living my life as a mother continuously repeating every single word I had to say.

“Nickolas please sit down and eat.”

“Nickolas. I said to sit down and just finish eating.”

“NICK! Please! Sit down and eat!”

“If you get one ONE MORE TIME you’re done eating for the rest of the night. I’m tired of this. Just sit down at eat!”

How about this one… which happened this morning. UGH!

“I’m full Mom.”

“Fine, throw away your plate, that is ALL you’re going to get until lunch.”

“Fine. I’m full anyways.”

… about 20 minutes later, Mike and I were in the boys bedroom fixing his curtain and getting Mikhail ready to take a nap. We come out to find Nickolas has gotten one of his school snacks – which he KNOWS is off limits – opens it and started to eat it.

“What are you doing? We said you are not getting anything else until lunch! You didn’t finish your breakfast! That was all you’re getting!”

“But I wanted it.”

“I don’t care if you wanted it or not! Those are for school, not to be eating anytime. Besides, WE JUST DISCUSSED that you are NOT getting ANYTHING until lunch!”

… I proceed to lose it. I honestly was RAGING. Call it the mania. Call it whatever. I was upset, and mad, and I couldn’t calm myself down. Before I said anything I’d regret to my son, I went into the bedroom and calmed myself down saying everything I had to say in the pillow.

Christ. I’m doing the best I can. I’m honesty lost. I know that my “methods of parenting” aren’t the greatest – What can you expect from someone who suffers from bipolar disorder, social anxiety, and uncontrollable rage. I do the best I can for my children.

I just needed to vent. I don’t know what to do about him anymore. I just want him to follow ONE simple request. Without my having to tell him 3000 times to do it.

Please do me a favor, and save me the irritation; Do not preach to me about how I’m doing my parenting wrong. How I should be doing this and that. I’m not taking care of him properly and that’s why he’s not acting right. Fuck you. I am truthful about my parenting skills – I have the “balls” to say what the truth behind what goes on in my home. I guarantee you all those “mommy bloggers” out there don’t have the fucking audacity to do the same. Give me credit for sharing the truth – not bash me for not being like them.

It really saddens me to know that I can’t be my true self in front of those who mean the most to me; but I can be absolutely open, public, and honest to complete strangers. Anyways, below is what I had written for my friends and family to read. I thought I’d share it here.

I decided to post this because it has tips on how to explain bipolar to your loved ones… Well, I don’t know any other way to go about doing this… so here ya go. I want to educate you all with some of the basics of what I am struggling with on a daily basis. (Source: http://bipolar.about.com)

<3 Nikkole