Do you know what its like, to live my life, with bipolar?
Do you know what its like, to live a life you’re completely unsure of?
Do you know what is like, to constantly ponder what emotional damage you’re putting on your children because you’re out of control?
Do you know what is like, to constantly keep to yourself about your disease simply because people think you’re making it up, over exaggerating, or looking for attention?
Do you know what is like, to never know how you’re going to react to the tiniest things?
Do you know what is like, to hate every aspect of yourself and blame yourself for every single thing you’ve done, do, or plan on doing?
Do you know what is like, to look at your child and constantly wonder if you secretly resent him because you had him so young?
Do you know what is like, to think all day long, that your love of your life is going to leave you because when you’re having an episode you say the most hurtful, meanest things just because you need to get attention?
Do you know what is like, to hid away your sorrow, fears, anger, and depression because you constantly are paranoid about what others see you as?
Do you know what is like, to put a mask on, and hide away everything because people just don’t see it your way?
I was raised… by my Dad. I was a daddy’s girl. He married a women, who was 13 years older than me; 13 years younger than him. A child herself. She resented me. She constantly thought I was “stealing her man away from her because I was a simply a girl who wanted her dad back.” They had child… they treated him like a saint, a king. I was just the black sheep that caused nothing but problems and was “tearing them apart.”
I craved the attention from any man. The first man to give me that attention, I grabbed on and didn’t let go. I let him manipulate me into having a child with him at 16. He told me, “Don’t you want to have children young? So you can run and jump and play with them? Instead of being too old to care about them? Don’t you want to have a child with me? Don’t you love me enough to give me that gift? You don’t love me, do you?” Three months later, I was pregnant.
I was forced into this life of adulthood, I didn’t want. I broke up with him because of the abuse he caused me. I was forced to move back in with my Dad, who wanted nothing to do with it. Here I was, an “adult” who was raising a child… but treated like a child herself. I had a curfew of 8pm. No phone calls after 7pm. No cell phone allowed. No house key. I would only be home, while they were home. What caused this distrust? I did nothing to make them not trust me. I didn’t ever get arrested. I never got in trouble. I never stole from them.
Here I am with a child… who I love dearly. I spend another five years… dealing with his father that causes me so much hurt and pain. They say the only way you can heal is to forgive and forget what causes that pain – HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU DO THAT WHEN YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU HAVE A CHILD!
HE CHOSES WHEN HE WANTS TO BE A FATHER! HE CHOSES WHEN HE COMES AND TAKES NICKOLAS. HE GETS TO CHOSE WHEN HE COMES AND GOES. HE GETS TO GO OUT AND LIVE HIS LIFE AND BE ABLE TO GO AND COME AS HE PLEASES. HE HAS ALL HIS PRECIOUS MONEY FOR HIMSELF. THEN MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SCUM BECAUSE I’M UNABLE TO PROVIDE FOR OUR CHILD “LIKE I SHOULD”.
I sit here… and I have so much anger. So much hate. So much uncontrollable emotion. I look at Nickolas, and I see Matt. I see him in his face. I see him in his attitude. Matt teaches him to lie and play emotional games – JUST LIKE HIM. He’s morphing him into this ideal little him. I constantly yell at Nickolas, mostly because he’s not doing what I want him to do. I don’t know why I do it.
I hate myself for how I’ve treated him. I love him dearly, but yet I constantly try to get him to go to his Dad’s house, or visit with my Mom. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed with my own emotions that dealing with a five year old at the same time is too much for me.
I don’t understand what is going on with me. I look at Mikhail and I feel differently from Nickolas…
And then, I think about my past, and I just ball my eyes out. I did NOT want to give Nickolas the life I had. I did not want him to feel as though he was unwanted. I don’t want to make him feel like the black sheep of the family or like he doesn’t belong because he has a different father. I don’t want him to see me looking at Mikhail differently. GOD I DON’T WANT ALL OF THIS FOR HIM!
I don’t know how to cope with all this. I don’t know how to get over these emotions. I don’t know how to vent. I won’t admit any of this to my family members or friends. I honestly don’t know why I’m admitting it now. I hate the way people look at me. I hate the way they see me as a horrible parent for feeling this way. I hate myeslf because of all of this.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I need to get it out somehow. My five year old told me, “I HATE YOU. I WANT TO LIEV WITH DAD! I’m so naughty for you is because your’e mean to me and my Dad loves me. I hate it here.” HE’S FIVE! IF I’m ruining him THAT BAD already what the hell is the future going to hold!?
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