As you can see, and I didn’t blog about it in my previous entry – There’s a new theme! *lights fireworks* -Kaboom- -Bang- Alright, anyways, I made a new theme. I worked hard as hell on it during the duration of just one day. I started at around 6am finished designing it by 1pm and got it all coded and live sometime that night. This is by far, not my most favorite theme, but I am still very content with it at this point. I’ve had designers block for the past few months. I starred at websites for a while just to try to get some inspirational and creative juices flowing in my head – yea, that didn’t work. So, here it is. Ta-Da!

Our friend’s Adam and Gwenn bought us some presents yesterday. She bought me a set of Pyrex mixing bowl set and Julie & Julia. Mike got Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory on BluRay and Left 4 Dead 2. I’m oober excited about the mixing bowls. You have no idea how excited. Seriously, people usually don’t get excited about a set of mixing bowls but I’ve totally wanted some. *On a side note – I just had to add the word “oober” to my dictionary on Firefox. While it might not be a real word, hell it probably isn’t even spelled correctly, I had to do it. So anyways, I want to personally thank Adam and Gwenn for our presents. You guys are awesome friends. I will definitely have to let you all know how Julie & Julia was. I have tons of other movies I need to watch too. Hmm, may have to figure out a few new sites to watch movies online. I will have to do some browsing and try to find some. I have quite a large list of “movies I want to see, but won’t force Mike to watch with me.” I had better get on that.

What else was I going to write about? Oh! I really have to start kicking myself in the butt to get into sweepstaking again. While I haven’t missed a day of entering my daily instant win games, I am having a hard time remembering and forcing myself to do the normal daily entry sweeps. I haven’t won anything since my latest big win. I guarantee that its mainly because I haven’t been entering as much as I should be – Plus, the best time to enter is early, early in the morning or in the middle of the night. Trying to stay out of another manic episode, I just won’t allow myself to stay up all night for sweepstakes.

I suppose that it is all for now. I’ll blog again soon. I’m trying to stay in touch and blog more. We’ll see how long this lasts.

Today:

1. Laundry!
2. Final touches on cleaning – I have to have the apartment ready for the inspection due tomorrow.
3. CLEAN OUT FRIDGE!
4. Take out all garbage.
5. Start looking at inspirational designs to come up with a rough idea for new layout.
6. DO NOT GET DISTRACTED OR SIDETRACKED… Mikhail is still sicker than a dog – so if I don’t get ANY of this done today… I guess that will just have to be done.

This Week:

1. Coupons & Ad Matches
2. Have my apartment inspection tomorrow – so I have to make sure I get through that…
3. Go to the court house? That’s really REALLY ambitious. I shall continue to wait for paperwork to be served in the mail. Didn’t happen, but I’m not doing it anymore, not worried about it.
4. Start writing my accomplishments, goals achieved, and the things I’m grateful for.
5. Read over the quit smoking packet I got from the WI Tobacco Quit Line.

Before 1st:

1. Work! I need 6 more hours before the end of the month. Otherwise I’ll have to email them and let them know that this has just been an awful month filled with this and that. With Mikhail being sick, my attempt of taking new medications, getting my teeth pulled, etc. This has just all around been ONE BUSY MONTH. No excuses, I have had plenty of time to work, but quite frankly I didn’t feel up to the job. I’ve been depressed and don’t feel like doing ANYTHING lately. Emailed them.
2. Finish mentally preparing for my quit smoking date.

Coming Month:

1. Quit smoking on the 1st of October.
2. Make a new theme/look at Eternal Amour. I want to incorporate the Tumblr way of things and stop having so many pages. (Multiple entries per page) Now that I don’t have adsenes anymore (yea, I made $20 in almost a year, I gave up even trying) I decided that I’m going to make my blog HOW I WANT IT. While Google search/adsense says that you should only have 1 blog per page due to overloading the search… I’m not sure if I like the way that looks. I don’t know, I’ll figure it out how I want it to look.

Needless to say, I have a lot to do (in my head) in the coming days. This is just what I could think of at this exact moment. I’ve been having one hell of a week though… Mikhail is sicker than a dog PLUS he’s cutting all three upper teeth at once. He’s in agony, I don’t blame him. Time to go tend to the kids…

• “Work” – I have been “working hard” lately. Well, actually that’s not entirely true. I’ve been working when I feel like it, and occasionally its “hard work”. I’ll write more about it in another entry – It seems to be very popular to write blog entries about being an agent with _kgb.
• Psychologist – So far, so good. I seen him again this week, on Monday. It went well. No major break downs, no major breakthroughs. We were discussing the way I think about things. Everything completed and followed with negativity and a not so positive attitude. We were also discussing how I’m unable to “visualize”. I can’t see the finished product of what I’m working towards. For instance, and our prime example during session was working out… People work out to get to their ideal weight, what they feel as though they’d be comfortable at. They see in their minds that body they want, they work hard to achieve it because they can see what they want. Where as I am unable to see the finished product, so when I say I want to lose 20lbs, I don’t push myself enough to do it because I don’t even know what I’d look like 20lbs less. Hell, I have NO IDEA what the hell I look like in perspective. I don’t know, its hard to explain. He gave me an assignment which was for me to write down my accomplishments. That is a good way to begin the ‘positive thinking’ part of things. Write down what I’ve accomplished every day, EVEN if its something that I feel like everyone else does on a normal basis; if you call that person back, that you said you would, you accomplished a task you said you would…
• State Fair – We went to the fair on Sunday. It was hot, muggy, and just plain yuck! We got to see everything we wanted to see though. Everyone was able to get what they wanted to eat – why go to the fair and NOT eat what you love, right? Well, unless you’re like me, where you think about fair food for weeks prior to going, because I KNOW when I get there, I have NO IDEA what I want. I end up getting nothing because I cannot decide. That was my exact problem this year. I wanted a turkey leg, but it was WAY too hot to eat something so hot, and so big. I had my eyes on a shishkabob – but they only had chicken, I wanted steak. I also thought about polish sausage – $8! Yea, I said that correctly, EIGHT DOLLARS for a freakin’ polish sausage. I THINK NOT.
• Driving – My drivers test is less than two weeks. Mike’s mom works all week this week, so that leaves no opportunities for me to get over there to practice driving this week. I’ll probably get a chance this weekend though. No, not probably – I MUST. I have less than two weeks, and I feel like I still need some practice with a lot. I think I’m going to spend an hour or so practicing parallel parking in his parent’s driveway the next time I’m over there. I MUST get this.
• I’ve been feeling… – It’s almost surreal, but I’ve been feeling “better”. I’m not depressed, and I’m not freaking out. I’m almost happy… Which is almost wrong for me to say, because I haven’t felt this way in a VERY long time and I’m scared if I say it out loud it will all change. I almost don’t want to believe it because it makes me feel like everything I’ve said/done makes me hypocritical. I mean, a few weeks ago, I was at my absolute worse, and now I’m happy again? Things like that don’t “just happen” so what the hell?!

There are a few other things that are worth mentioning but not worth their own little “dot” if you will… I’ve still been working strong on the sweepstakes – I won a $15 best buy gift card this past week, plus some other stuff. I received my coffee maker too! Which is just super. I’ve been working on building a website for one of my sweeper friends. Its a work in progress but I hope I can do what he needs for me to do so I can get paid something. I could use whatever I can get! We’ll see what happens with all that though… I’m not sure what’s going on at this point. ^_^

Should be hanging out with Ali and Tommy this weekend if all plans go together as we hope they well. I’m still trying to get Mike’s mom to watch the boys for us so we can just hang out and catch up.

I got two new cookbooks! I had won two gift cards for Amazon and couldn’t decide what I wanted to buy. Ultimately I ended up buying two cookbooks for cookin’ healthy. I got The Biggest Loser Cookbook and Hungry Girl Recipe Book. Some of the recipes in there looks delicious! I’m attempting to eat/cook healthier!

Anyways… the coming weeks will be extremely busy ones. I have a lot of driving practice to do, I have to go to Nick’s school for registration and their form/fees day. All that jazz. He will be in kindergarten on the 1st! I cannot believe it. I’m nervous, yet excited for him all at the same time. I do think it will definitely be good for us though. Not only will it give him a chance to get out of the house, learn some stuff, get new friends, and all that fun stuff – but it will give me a break. It will give me a chance to go do stuff around the house, or go out to the store without “Can I have this? WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN!?” and all the other meltdowns that occur. I think it will be good for this household, all around.

Funny. I began this entry thinking I wouldn’t have a thing to talk about. I couldn’t think of a single thing to even begin to say – now 1100+ words later, I’ve got an entry to share with you all. I’m going to end this for now. Hopefully I’ll update again soon. Probably with that kgb entry and or I’ll let you all in on my accomplishments.

Do you ever feel in your life, that you have so much you need to do, fix, change, alter, remove, etc. and you don’t know where to begin? That’s exactly how I feel. I could create thousands upon thousands of to-do lists, and I need to focus on ONE item, accomplish that, and then move on to the next. I have hundreds of items, that all correspond with the other, and it gives me this complete sense of overwhelming feelings that I cannot express or control.

I’ve been god awful lately. I am pushing away the people I need/love the most. I cannot control my anger. I cannot control my tears. I cannot control the fact that I’m a complete bitch towards everyone else because in my eyes, they’re assholes and not good enough to even speak to me. I am in a constant battle of what should I do? I want to go out, hang out with friends. I think to myself, “Maybe a night out away from it all is exactly what I need.” Then I have another thought of, “I don’t need anyone influencing me to do something I don’t need right now. I don’t need someone having me do this, or do that, that just isn’t for me.” Which then turns into thoughts of, “I should just spend the rest of my life, in my house, without contact to the outside world because that makes life easier and then I won’t have to worry about changing, ruining, or breaking anything I’ve worked towards.

… I just don’t know.

So, what is this HUGE to-do list that I feel as though I have to accomplish? Let’s break it down JUST a little bit for you to understand.

1. My anger. I need to control my anger, and irritation.
2. My stress. I need to learn how to deal with stress in a rational matter.
3. I need to find a doctor, both a psychologist and a psychiatrist, also figure out how I will get to and from both – with a babysitter.
4. I need to calm down. I need to stop OVERTHINKING everything that I do/say. It only makes matters worse, and then begins to make me imagine and make believe stuff. (Like, that Mike thought I was a horrible driver, even though he said I did fine. I think in his head, he thinks I’m horrible. WHY do I do that shit?! Its like I make up OTHER PEOPLES thoughts towards me, and then refuse to believe anything different. WTF?!)
5. I need a schedule, not only for myself, but for the kids. I NEED TO STICK TO IT!
6. I need to organize and get this house in order. If (doubt it) we were to ever move, I want to be able to just pack up the remaining stuff that’s out, and go.
7. I need to stop staying awake so late. There’s enough time in the world to do what I need to do, and I REALLY need to prioritize my time in what’s the most important.
8. I need to get back to the dentist and get my teeth taken care of, then go to the surgeon and get the teeth that are broken, or unable to fixed, pulled.
9. I need to start dieting. I need to start eating healthier, and teaching my family to eat healthier with me. I cannot continue to be the weight that I am. I just cannot continue to look at myself with the disgust that I do.
10. I need to quit smoking – we cannot afford it. I cannot afford it.
11. I need to get Nickolas prepared for school in the fall. Worse, I need to think of a way to pay back Mike’s mom for EVERY SINGLE THING she bought for Nickolas’ school year.
12. I need to finish driving and working on getting my license AND GET IT before September 1st when Nick starts.
13. I need to make sure my foodstamps and insurance benefits I receive from the state are all in order and taken care of.
14. I need to find a doctor. I need to find a doctor. I need to find a doctor.
15. I need a vacation – a day, week, month…? away from EVERYONE. The boys, maybe even Mike. I need to figure out my mind and figure out whats important to me.
16. I want to go to school, get my Associates in Web Development/E-commerce …
17. I need to stop being so depressed/suicidal/upset.   I’ve been picking fights with Mike just to try to get answers out of him because I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Honestly, here do I begin? That’s just the START of what I feel like I need to accomplish, and majority of it needs to be done NOW, not later. I’m at a loss of words, explanations, answers… I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I should work on first. I don’t know what to do next. I sit here, and end up spending hours upon hours doing NOTHING because I don’t know what I should even begin. I just wish I could figure it out.

I’m ruining everything. I honestly don’t believe Mike, or the kids deserve a life like this. They don’t deserve me sitting here ruining and wrecking everything. Starting fights with them just because I cannot control or calm myself down. I need to let things go. I need to let Nickolas be a kid. I need to stop being lazy and take them out and do something with the kids. I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO – I JUST CANNOT MAKE MYSELF DO IT!!! WHY THE FUCK DO I DO THAT?!

… I need control.
… I need order.
… I need discipline.
… I need something to look forward to.
… I need a reason.
… I need a reward for wanting to do this.
… I need purpose.

Yesterday was Easter Sunday and what a day a day it was.  We had woken up and completely forgot the Easter basket! So, Mike fumbled around and assembled the basket in the bedroom while I had taken the boys to the living room and such. Now, this Easter basket I had planned included plastic eggs that had M&M’s in it. Well, Mike took it a step up and started to hide those eggs around the house.  He put said eggs in his pocket (He later told me, “Man! It was so hard to walk with eggs, filled with M&M’s in your pocket!”) He also hid them in the same living room Nickolas was sitting in watching TV. That’s skillful.

“That Easter Bunny is verryyyyy sneaky!” – Nickolas

Anyways, after Easter Egg hunting we headed over to Mike’s parents house. Where, Nickolas had to find another three dozen painted eggs outside. He also found his Easter basket fairly quickly! He was so excited that the Easter bunny came everywhere.  After finding everything we sat down and colored and played with all his stuff. I’ve included photos below, please realize, what is in that very large basket, is only Nickolas’ stuff… There was an entire other bag filled with Mikhail’s.

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Moving along… Nickolas had said something very disturbing at the dinner table. Not quite sure what the conversation was at the time of statement, but all in all this is what he said, ” Dad doesn’t like me sitting in the back seat. I sit in the front seat. He hates carseats too. I’m not a baby anymore, Mom. I’m a big boy. I don’t need a carseat anymore.” At this point, everyone is shocked, annoyed, and pretty much pissed off, then Nick continues with: “When the police officer comes, he tells me to GET DOWN and duck so the police doesn’t get us in trouble.” WOW. Just wow. What do I say to that? What the hell do I do about that? This mother fucker needs to just get rid of his parental rights, and he never will. Why you ask? Because he loves him too much. He constantly tells me that he loves Nick with all his heart and that he would never put him in harms way. He does “everything to protect him”. YET gets MAD at me when I mention the whole car seat thing. God. I will someday be able to take him back to court, and when I do, shit is going to hit the fan.

I suppose, I’m going to have to end this at that, I could continue to type for the next six hours but I really do have a LOT to get done today. I will post a lot more this week!

Personal/Household

1. Rearrange the Living Room
   I believe this is going to be done tomorrow after Mike gets off from work and Nickolas goes to Matt’s house. We have had the living room the same way for over  a year now. Any normal person would be like, “Yea so what?” I’m not normal. I was raised watching my grandmother rearrange her furniture every two days. I honestly mean, EVERY TWO DAYS.
2. Magic eraser the floor and walls in the kitchen…
   Yea you heard me right… magic eraser everything! I wish I could push my ‘easy button’ and do the whole house. I’m trying to do an absolute through cleaning through the entire house so when and if we move into the three bedroom we’ll be ready! (I’m really hoping for karma to help in this aspect.
3. Put away ALL laundry.
   I HATE putting away laundry. I avoid it at all costs.

Well, that might not seem like a large list to you… its a lot to me.  I have to also go through Nickolas’ bedroom and rid him of all his old toys. You know, all the ones that are broken, mismatched, not played with, or just old. That’s NEVER fun to do. I try to keep up on it at least once every two – three months. This kid has so much stuff!  I want to say he’s not spoiled, but that would be a complete and utter lie.

On to the randomness… I want to post a little bit of everything, but I’ll stay on topic as much as I can.

Alright… that is all for now folks. I’ve got a cold and need to get some rest to get healthy again! I’m going to leave you with some questions! (I haven’t done these in a while.)

1. What would is your current obsession?
2. Thoughts on Octomom?
3. Twitter/Facebook/Myspace/_______? Which one do you prefer?