So, for the past few days (I can’t tell you what day I started this) I have been working on my entries. You see, when I converted from Cutenews to WordPress and transferred over all the entries over to wordpress it edited them screwy. It jumbled up all the paragraphs in to one giant paragraph. I had to go through 130 entries and edit them all. So, I’ve been reading all my old entries. I am also categorizing all the entries AND tagging them. I have added a tag cloud to the side bar >>> which you can see there. As you can see, currently, “Site Updates” is the most used tag and category. Which is no big surprise there. When I first started this blog, that’s all I did was update about my site. I didn’t talk about much else.

So I’ll probably write an actual entry before next Thursday. An actual entry. Until then, this will have to do… I just want to get this done. It was a HUGE project to overtake to begin with. Idk what I was thinking starting it. *smacks forehead* Almost done… I’m almost phone I typed phone… why did I type phone? OK. I meant DONE. Almost done.

ON TO MY PROGRESS!!! I know you’re all dying to know how I’m doing. I told you last week I wouldn’t come talking about how I’m craving cigarettes. Well that’s not going to happen.  Well, it has been one week since I quit. Well, according to my “GetQuit” plan that came with Chantix, yesterday was my one week. They count the last day of the week as your one week check in and your actual one week begins a new week. Its screwy but whatever. However, I put in I quit on the 27th to the “GetQuit” plan, I quit on the 28th. So if I’m using the logic the plan uses. Today is my one week. Tomorrow – being that it is seven days since I had quit – will be the beginning of a new week. Are you confused yet? I surely am. Let’s move on.

So the cravings have been intense. The first two days were awful. I had depression. I just couldn’t keep busy. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Yea, it was that bad. I hated myself for even thinking that I could do this. I kept asking myself “WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO DO THIS?” because ultimately it was my choice – sorta. You see, I chose to quit smoking. I told Mike, “I’m going to try to quit smoking.” THE REASON behind why I wanted had to quit was because I was broke. I had $10 to my name and I had no clue when I was getting more money. I wasn’t about to ask Mike to support my habit. So I decided to quit. That week I went to the doctor. Talked to him about chantix. Then… oooh THEN… I got money. A large sum of money too. My reason for quitting was shot out the window. So yea it was my choice but it wasn’t my choice then it was out of my hands… it was happening whether or not I liked it.

So the first two days, really tough. The next few days got a tiny bit easier. I stopped thinking about having a cigarette as often. During those first few days it was on my mind the entire day. Now I was craving them at the normal times I’d crave them… after eating, after coffee, while on the phone, etc. The cravings were still pretty intense but I did what I always do. I forced myself to deal with them. Here’s the thing about me… When it comes to dealing with something, I force myself to do it. I put it in my mind that there is absolutely no other choice but than to do what is required of you. Whether it be parenting, or going to my doctors for my bipolar, or quitting smoking. I have to do it. Sure, I put it in my mind that I am doing this because Mike won’t accept anything else. I guarantee he won’t accept me relapsing and start smoking again. So what choice do I have? I have this strength about me. So I put it in my head you have no other choice but to do this.

Mike says once I got over the three day hump it would get easier. The first three days are the worse. *shrugs* I suppose he’s right. Don’t get me wrong… I have this “strength” about me but it is still very, very hard. I’m struggling, I’m just not showing it. I am freaking out on the inside.

It has gotten a little easier. Not much, but a little. Every day that passes I go a little longer between cravings. I heard you never stop craving completely. The thought is still always there. Awesome. Just what I want – to want to smoke for the rest of my life. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I just want to think like a non-smoker. To not crave. To go all day without beating myself up over this decision. It’s pathetic in my mind. Absolutely pathetic.

I don’t really know what else to say about it. I’m struggling. I won’t show it. I have no choice but to be strong and just do it. I don’t want to do it. I beat myself over it. Yea, that pretty much sums it up. I just replay the same stuff over and over in my mind. “You want to quit. You’re doing this for {insert reasons}. You are strong and can over come this. Do this for Mike. Do this for yourself. Be proud of how far you’ve come. Stop beating yourself up. The craving will go away and you’ll forget all about wanting a cigarette”.

I have to admit though, I have been really productive the past few days. After the little bout of depression I got, I decided I absolutely have to keep myself busy. I did all, I mean, ALL the laundry. (that’s 15 loads of laundry I did. Washed, Dried, Folded, Put Away.) I’ve been working on my website non-stop. The thing about web design is it soothes me. When I start web designing I don’t think about anything else. My mind goes blank and I’m completely focused on web design. It makes me feel good. I’m focused. I’m calm. I’m proud. So I have been finding ANYTHING I can do on my website. I tweaked my gallery after I finished it, I have created THREE themes for EA, I have found some new plugins, I tweaked tiny things that you’d never notice but something I changed to my liking, all in the past week. I’ve been cleaning entire rooms in the house. I did the entire bathroom. I actually cleaned the ENTIRE bathroom. I NEVER do that. I usually just do a surface clean and call it a day. Nope, not this time. I have been keeping up with the kitchen. I scrubbed the floors (again). I’ve been trying to keep up on the living room but I swear as soon as the boys are let loose in it its destroyed anyway. Needless to say, Mike probably wishes I quit years ago because I’ve done so much.

My Mom promised (although a promise from her doesn’t mean anything) she’d come over on Thursday and help me do the boys room. Which DESPERATELY needs to be done. We will be going through ALL the toys. Sorting them. Going through and weeding out the broken, or chewed up ones. (Nick has a problem chewing up toys. If he chews on them, they’re thrown away. Simple as that.) We’re going to be putting away toys in the closet so they can’t get them and can only play with what’s out so there is less of a mess in the long run. I’m also going ot recruit her to helping me take out ALL the trash around the apartment. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not dirty people that live in filth and garbage. There are garbage bags of odd ball stuff laying around. For instance, the boys pop up tent that broke a few weeks ago. I threw it in a garbage bag. It’s been sitting in my dining room ever since. All the cardboard boxes that we haven’t had the time to take out. That or we have just been plain lazy. There are boxes from stuff we ordered sitting near the front door. There is diaper boxes that have all of Nick’s school papers or work that I empty out from his backpack in the front hall. Just random garbage that we never took out. Not dirty, stinking, rotting garbage… cardboard mainly. So I’m going to ask her to help me take out ALL of that. THEEEN this weekend, if Mike doesn’t work, he has big plans to go through the bedroom. Get rid of laundry baskets (he only wants 2 laundry baskets. Wants me to keep up on the laundry. Promises to keep up with buying quarter so I don’t fall behind) He wants to go through the closet in the bedroom and get rid of everything that’s in there and take it down to the basement so we actually have some space to store stuff. Which is fine by me. But first things first… the absolute FIRST thing he WILL do this weekend IF he doesn’t work…? He WILL take down the FIVE totes of Christmas stuff, including my Christmas tree, that is sitting in my dining room. I MEAN ITS APRIL FOR CHRIST SAKES. I’d do it but I’m a clutz and I’d break my neck (or something) doing it. THAT and I don’t touch anything in the basement. It’s all organized and sorted the way Mike likes it. I don’t want to go down there and start throwing boxes around and have him get upset. Hahah, like how I did that. I made valid excuse as to why I shouldn’t do it and why its Mike’s responsibility. I think its only fair. I’ve been busting my ass in the house so he can do this for me.

Ok. I’ve officially rambled through 1900 words. I’m done now. I will let you all know next week (or sooner if I feel like writing) how my progress is going again. Maybe by next week I won’t hate myself so much for this and finally get it through my head that this is a good thing. Yea. We’ll see. Until then.

http://gallery.eternalamour.com/

http://gallery.eternalamour.com/

http://gallery.eternalamour.com/

I promise to keep it up to date as much as I can. I might not update it every month with photos. (I stopped taking as many photos as I have in the past because we don’t ever go anywhere so its always of the same exact thing.) But I do promise to update it every few months so long as there’s photos to add. So again, take a look. Let me know what you think. If you’d do anything differently? Thanks guys!

I am currently still going for unemployment. Remember I loss my job November 2011. So, I’ve been filing for unemployment since then. At first I got a letter stating that I wasn’t eligible for it because I didn’t make enough. Then I got a letter stating they’re still establishing whether or not I qualify so continue filing. It’s frustrating. 1. I almost never remember to file for unemployment on Sunday’s. 2. I’m sick of filing when I still don’t know if I”ll get it or not. What could possibly take this long to establish!? I wish I could just give up, say I’m not getting it, and be done with it. Mike won’t have that though.

In other news, I have found out from a friend that Matt’s girlfriend is pregnant. HA! I call him to question him about it. “Are the rumors true?” I said.

“Rumors? What rumors?”

“Is Kelly pregnant?”

“Who’d you hear that from?”

“A mutual friend. Is it true?”

“I hate rumors. They’re vicious. I hate rumors. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know if she’s pregnant?”

“Yea. I don’t know.”

“Oook. Whatever you say.”

“Yea. She’s 6 weeks pregnant.”

I’m like, “OH! Congratulations!”

“Is it what it is.”

“You sound thrilled.”

In the most sarcastic voice ever, “I am THRILLED! I cannot WAIT for ANOTHER baby! YAY!”

“Okay, I get the point.”

At this point I wanted to tell him to keep it in his pants then. But I kept it to myself. Wanted to keep the conversation nice, ya know? This will be his possible third child. I say possible because I’m still not convinced baby #2 was his. He never mentions him. He never sees him. Then again, he’s still a baby. When Nick was a baby, Matt wanted NOTHING to do with him. He was still baby formed. He’s no fun as a baby. Can’t dress up the baby in name brand clothing and take around showing him off. I pray this one is a girl. Matt told me when we were together, “If you have a girl. We’re through. I will walk out of the ultrasound and that will be the last time you see me.” Charming, right? So anyway, I continue the conversation and I tell him I’m pursuing him for Child Support.

He responds with, “Ya. I know. They sent me a letter telling me I owe $600 here and $1000 there. They put a lien on me too.” Sucks to be you. He then proceeds to tell me about how he now owns the bar that he worked at and that’s why I’m not getting child support because he’s not getting paychecks anymore. Long story short, he basically said he had money laying around for a rainy day and he invested it in the bar and got screwed. Not my problem… where’s my money?!

You know what sucks the most about not getting child support… when Nick is going and behaving himself and we go to the store and he asks for something and I have to tell him “No. I don’t have money.” He is old enough to understand that I get child support from Dad and Dad is currently not sending me any. He doesn’t understand that when I go to the store I’m spending Mike’s money, not my money. Therefore I can’t just go and buy him something because it’s not my money. His response is, “Well we’re at the store. You have money to go to the store, don’t you?” It sucks.

Hopefully soon I’ll be getting child support once again. I have gotten one payment since October. Which is bull shit.

In other news, Mike wants me to attempt going to Energy Assistance again. To give you a recap of what happened last time… LONG story short, I went at 5am, stood outside in the cold until 7:30am. I finally got in and THEN seen the sheet of what you need. (They don’t have it on the internet ANYWHERE about what you need when you get down there. So I had no clue what I needed.) So, I’m sitting there lying to the people like “Oh I don’t have a bank account” because I needed my bank statements for the previous three months. THEN I COMPLETELY forgot that I had worked during the previous three months. I didn’t have my pay stubs at all. It was a mess! I vowed I’d never go back down there. Well little did I know Mike would be forcing me to go again. Ugh! I don’t want to go. This time I’m going to make my Mom come with me so I have someone to talk to while we’re down there at 5am. I also have to get my bank statements printed out first. Then I think I’ll have everything. The only concern I have is that when I asked work to print out my pay stubs they gave me a compensation report instead. It still says how much my gross pay was, take home pay, and taxes taken out… I just pray that it will be enough for them. I don’t want to go down there at 5am to sit outside until 7:30am then to sit until 9-10am to be seen to have it NOT be enough. Its not easy getting assistance from the state. Whoever tells you its easy is a liar. I can’t wait until the day when I’m stable enough to work and the boys are in school and we don’t have to worry about getting assistance from the state any longer.

As you can see, and as I posted on Twitter, I have created a new theme. I call it blue brown. Original, eh? I’m not sure I like it. Its plain jane for me. It took me seriously 30 minutes to create it, code it, and have it up. Which is far too quick by my standards. I wanted something with these colors but I didn’t know what I wanted to create. I’ve done a theme with photos before.

Which turned out fabulous. So I created this one in hopes that I’d make something just as fabulous. I was mistaken. It didn’t turn out great at all. I mean, its not bad. I just feel its one of my lowest looking creations I’ve made. So for now this is my newest theme. Love it or leave it. I’d love to leave it but I can’t come up with anything else I want to create. Nothing is sparking an idea in my head. No creative juices are flowing. Which sucks! Oh well, eventually I’ll come across something phenomenal and it will spark an idea in my head for my own theme and I’ll start creating and it will be wonderful.

Final thought… I’m sweeping again. Mike’s like “You need to get on that!” because I had introduced a girl at his work to the sweeping world and she’s been winning left and right. If you don’t remember I won about 3k worth of stuff the first year. 8k worth of stuff the second year. Only 1k worth of stuff last year. I didn’t win much last year because I didn’t enter much. I fell out of the hobby and I wasn’t winning as much as I had in the previous years so I felt it was a waste of time. See the thing is, sweeping has REALLY hit off the past year so there’s SO many more people out there that are like “I can do this” and they start entering. This makes my chances of winning that much lower. So I haven’t been winning as much. Which is really discouraging. But I’m going to stick with it and push through and just enter. Hopefully I’ll win a little more this year to make a show for my efforts. Otherwise I don’t know how long I’ll stick with it this time around. Mike wants me to start winning again. He just liked all the prizes I was getting. We’ll see what happens.

I suppose its time for Mikhail’s nap. Nickolas has early dismissal today so I don’t get to lay down with Mikhail like I normally do. Boo!!! I hate early dismissal day. He gets out two hours earlier than normal every other Wednesday. Why? I haven’t the faintest idea. I think it was to cut costs or something. Either way, it sucks. Until next time folks…

I got a very nice compliment from a friend of mine saying they don’t have to guess who I am as a person because they already know from reading what I write. It made me feel good because that’s what I’m going for. I want people to know who I am as a person just by reading what I write. There is no reason to piece together anything. I am here. Completely open and honest. Don’t hold back. Why be someone you’re not. Be who you really are, ya know?

Moving along …

We had the infamous company Christmas Party this weekend. It was totally different. It wasn’t at a hotel this year but instead a hall. Which made it not as fun because there was no sneaking up to the hotel room to take shots. Or getting ridiculously drunk and being able to just pass out. Heh. I know that sounds immature but yea that’s what it was all about. So, this year it was at the hall. We got there around 6pm. Mike’s parents (his Dad works there too) were already there. We found seats. The packer game was on for everyone to watch. We had some appetizers and conversated for a while, then we had dinner. Dinner was alright. It wasn’t nothing special and fancy. We waited for the prizes to be called. Around 9pm we left to go bowling. The Christmas Party went until midnight but we decided to go bowling instead.

We hung out at the bowling alley for a while, played a few games, and had a few drinks. Things got pretty heated up once everyone got some drinks in them. Some, more than others, had a few too many drinks. Let’s just say, one of our friends ended up puking all over himself. That’s when the party pretty much ended. We all helped him to the car and headed home. We released my Mom from her duties of babysitting and hit the hay ourselves.

It wasn’t the same this year. We’re hoping next year will be at a hotel again. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. It’s funny because previous years this was a big thing. The Christmas Party was a well thought out planned event. This year we didn’t meet up before we went. Gwenn and I didn’t get ready together in the bathroom while the boys hung out. It just wasn’t the same. It makes me sad but what can you do.

I suppose… I should stop procrastinating and get to studying. Thought I’d update everyone as to what’s going on with me. I’m trying to keep up with the blogging.