These are some dark times. I’m going through a really dark time right now. My [also] bipolar friend informed me what I’m going through is not mania or depression but a different cycle all together. I was going to write this last night when I had everything on my mind and I was going through one of my “episodes” but it was late and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get it in to words exactly what I had to say.

Let me see if I can sum it up for you while I’m level headed and not going through an episode.

I feel as though nothing I do is good enough.  My confidence in my parenting is absolute shit. I feel as though I have to change SO much about myself to please everyone else its overwhelming. I know, I know… before you even say it. “You don’t have to change yourself for anyone, be yourself!” What if I don’t like who I am. There are things about myself I want to change because they’re fucked up. One being my self care. I have HORRIBLE self care. I won’t get in to details about it because I’m embarrassed but I don’t take care of myself at all. (You people are probably thinking, “Its no wonder you have dentures.” No seriously I have dentures because of multiple reasons that have nothing to do with brushing my teeth. There are TONS of 20 something year old people out there who don’t brush their teeth and don’t have dentures so whatever. I’ve gone over why I have dentures in other posts… I’m not going to get into here. How can I teach my children good self care when I don’t have it myself? Don’t get me wrong, my kids aren’t dirty. For the most part, I ask them to brush their teeth. They wash behind their ears. But it’s not at the level I want it to be. Which is probably excessive but still. I can’t get in to it without being embarrassed. In summary, I have no self care. The kids are taken care of so don’t go calling CPS saying I don’t clean my kids. I just wish it was more.

Next thing… I yell. No I yell ALL-THE-TIME! Its like I don’t know how to talk… I just yell. I know my kids shouldn’t be raised with constant yelling, this is why I’m working on changing that. I just don’t know how exactly to do it. I know, I know, “Try to be calmer with them. When you feel hte urge to yell just take a deep breath and count to 10 and then handle the problem.” You don’t understand though… It is seriously like Nickolas MUST be yelled at to comprehend anything that’s being said to him. He will not pay attention or do what you’re asking them unless you’re yelling. And when I mean yelling I mean raised voice I’m not talking about screaming at the absolute top of my lungs to where it hurts.  Jesus I have to explain myself a lot in this post, why am I writing it again? OK. Yes… sometimes it is screaming at hte absolute top of my lungs, but this is almost ONLY when I’m having a rage attack and I don’t have those hardly ever anymore…  Anyway, I yell a lot. I don’t want to yell a lot any more. Nick only responds to yelling. I even yell when I’m “talking” to Mike about normal conversation. It’s a becoming an issue.

What else? God there was sooo much more. OH! The fucking fact that I honestly, truly, deep down inside, believe I am not able to work yet. Everyone thinks I’m ready to work because I have had a few good weeks… They’re not all good. There are manic days and depressed days within those weeks. Its not ALL good. In the bigger picture, yes, I’m doing better… considering what I was at.  This makes me feel fucking awful. I can’t contribute to ANYTHING to this family. Sure I cook and I clean but what is that doing for MONEY… MONEY is what’s important here. Yes… I’m keeping the family together. Yes I’m taking care of the kids (I’d argue not well enough but that’s a different topic). Yes. I have dinner prepared every night so everyone can eat. Its NOT ENOUGH. I’m not cleaning enough. I’m not cooking enough. I’m not doing ENOUGH. To me the house is absolutely FILTHY. (TO ME!!! I have HIGH expectations)  To me I’m failing at what I’m supposed to be doing. Every time Mike walks in the house and grabs the vacuum to do the floor I die a little on the inside because I know I didn’t do my part. WE NEED MONEY THOUGH. We are just barely getting by. I know, I know, “Everyone is struggling right now. Everyone is just barely scraping by.”

Mike enlightened me today on how he really felt. I’m not going to get in to it because quite frankly its not my business to discuss. Long story short, he showed me how he really felt and it made me feel absolutely awful because he beats himself up over EVERYTHING (just like me, the exact reason for this post). Because he beats himself up I beat myself up because I can’t work and can’t contribute to bills. GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING DISABILITY BULL SHIT!!! GOOOOOOOOOD If fucking disability would come through WE WOULDNT BE IN THIS ISSUE! But NOOOOOOO THEY FUCKING WONT GIVE ME DISABILITY! *smashes head* Its been two years since I applied for disability. I have a lawyer. I’ve been to court. But still I’m waiting… and waiting… and waiting… There are people out there who have hardly NO proof that they’re disabled and they get it INSTANTLY. I have lawyers AND doctors who feel as though I qualify for disability and what do I get? Nothing. I legit can’t work. I legitimately have a reason behind why I can’t work and why I feel as though I need disability and here I am unable to get it becuase the fucking douche canoes out there that lie through their teeth just because they don’t want to work GET IT INSTEAD.

I called my attorney and told them I lost my job. Partially because it was a seasonal job, but partially because of my issues with bipolar disorder. They said “We’ll have a case manager get back to you.” Guess who NEVER got back to me? What the fuck? These people are supposed to be helping me? Its NO WONDER I haven’t won!

*Sigh* OK… My parenting. My parenting skills in my eyes. SUCKS. I don’t spend enough time with the kids. I don’t play with the kids enough. I don’t read to the kids enough. I don’t work with Mikhail enough with his colors, numbers, shapes, letters, speech, etc. I don’t cook well … whats the word … ahh idk. I don’t cook well enough to be considered ‘trophy’ wife material. The kids get whatever they want to eat for the night… grilled cheese, easy mac, hot dogs, viola meal (chicken noodles, veggies) -only Mikhail eats this, chicken nuggets… There are times Mikhail will eat broccoli (I make it for myself, I put it on their plates… they chose not to eat it) I have more recently started to just cook whatever I want for dinner and if they dont want to eat it they don’t eat. Nick has tried a few more things doing this… everytime he takes a bite though he goes “EW NO NO NO I DONT LIKE IT” every single time. I force him to eat it anyway. I know he likes it when he doesn’t put too much of a fight up for it… when he’s screaming and crying and just throwing up the biggest fight in the world, it means he don’t like it. *sigh* Its a work in progress… There are still days I give in and make them what they want because I didn’t make anything elaborate for dinner. Brings me to my next topic… I haven’t been cooking ANYTHING elaborate – which means the kids have been eating whatever they want – because Mike has no appetite. Which brings me to my next topic.

Mike’s been having issues… He has sinus pressure which is causing dizziness. My assumption – I’m no doctor – but what I assume is the sinus pressure is building so immensely that it’s draining in to his ears, which is effecting his inner ear, which is fucking with his dizziness, vertigo, and balance. Yes, he was diagnosed with vertigo. He doesn’t know the difference between dizziness and the room spinning (I feel, think, know the difference between the two unless I’m retarded and there is no difference between the two) So anyway… This all started a few months ago. They gave him antibiotics, they got better but never fully went away. But it was only intense then… So then a few months later, it got INTENSE again so Mike went in, he got antibiotics, and was sent on his way. Well, it came back again, it happened on Wednesday. He came home from work and he was extremely dizzy. He had extreme sinus pressure. It was bad. So he called to just talk to a nurse or his dr. but they had already left for the day so he ended up speaking to someone at urgent care. They said come in if its really bad. So he scheduled an appt with his primary doctor for the next day. Thursday. So the next day (Thursday) Mike called in to work. We went to his doctors appointment. The doctor diagnosed him with a sinus infection. Put him on a different dosage/kind of antibiotic. Told him to keep taking his anti-dizzy pills he was prescribed a long time ago. He was sent on his way. So we fill his scripts right away. The antibiotics say, right on the bottle, may cause dizziness. AWESOME. So he takes the antibiotics. He gets a work release for Thursday and just in case Friday too. So he calls in Friday. We go all day Friday and Saturday… it seemed the best on Saturday. He actually got up and moving (we went to the store and his parents house). He was wiped out when we got home but at least he was able to move around. Then Sunday came and it was just bad the entire day. He was just dizzy all day long. His anti-dizzy pills weren’t doing anything. His mucinex that he was taking for the sinus pressure wasn’t doing anything. So we went to Urgent Care. They basically told us, “You have your anti-dizzy pills there’s nothing more we can do for you. See an Ears Nose Throat Specialist.” So Mike asks for a work excuse for Monday (today) just in case. He calls in today. He schedules an appointment to see his primary doctor. Now Mike is having issues with his anxiety. Which he feels is causing him to be more dizzy. His anxiety is bad because he feels as though he’s not doing enough for us (once again I’m not going to get in to that. It’s not my business to tell.) SO we went to see his primary doctor… He’s an AWESOME doctor. Very ok because I dont know how to spell ‘thoural?” I’ll go he’s very in depth with his exam. He makes sure to listen to you for everything. The only problem with him is the waiting… The waiting has gotten REALLY bad at his office. You wait in the waiting room for 15-45 minutes. Then you wait in the exam room for another 15-30 minutes. Ugh. So we go in… He says keep taking your antibiotic. Keep taking your anti-dizzy pills. I”m not going to refill your anxiety medication. Go see an ENT Specialist. After you seen him, you still feel as though your anxiety is bad then come back in and we’ll talk about the anxiety. *sigh* So he went and talked to the referral specialist and she went to set him up an appointment. Earliest he could get him in to the ENT that the DR wanted was booked out until the 24th of May. Uhh that’s not going to work… so shes like lets see if I can get you in to another one we use. SO they say May 8th. They check again. Oh theres a cancelation for tomorrow at 10am. Fine done. Mike scheduled it. So I’ve been driving Mike around everywhere because he can’t drive. I start racking my brain as to how this appointment is going to work. 1. We would have to have a sitter. If Mike’s Mom were to do it she don’t get off work and home until 9:30am – we have to be at the other side of town, (literally a 45-60 minute drive on back roads because I don’t drive freeway) at 10am. Thats not going to work. She’s either going to have to get out of work early – dammit – or Im going to have to ask my Mom. So, I call my Mom and ask her and she says as long as we drop him off she’ll do it. So, immediately after Nick gets on the bus, we’re dropping off Mikhail at my Mom’s house — WHICH BTW We hate doing. Becuase my mom’s house WREAKS of cigarette smoke. Literally, you gag on the smell after you are already home. It sticks sooo badly to your clothing. She could NOT EVEN SMOKE and your clothes will be covered in it. Its disgusting. Its a mandatory bath and change your clothes after you come home from being at her house. SO anyways, she’s watching him so I can take Mike… HOPEFULLY this ENT has answers. Hopefully he/she can tell us everything we need/want to hear about this business. Hopefully they have an explanation for the dizziness, vertigo, lightheaded, etc.

SO That’s what’s going on with Mike… So on top of everything going on with his dizziness and nose and such. He feels awful about a shit ton of stuff. I think theres something in the air because everyone is in a dark place right now. I can’t describe it really. I just am basically beating myself up over EVERY single thing I do/have done. Its not healthy. I’m going to end it at that… I don’t have much more to say. I had so much more when I was upset last night. But the kids are antsy and Mike’s trying his best to keep the preoccupied until I can finish typing this because I asked for a few moments peace while I did this. So, I’ll write again soon.

Hi everyone. As you can see, I made a new theme… It looks very similar right? It is. I used practically the same brushes that I used for the “New Beginnings” one (which is what I named that one) I couldn’t do with the pink anymore. I’m not a pink kinda girl. I actually really dislike pink. No offense to any of you girls (or guys, hey, you never know) that like pink. You can like it until your hearts content but I’m addicted obsessed with this color blue. If you were to look at my screenshots of all my previous layouts – which can be found here: Eternal Amour Previous Layout Screenshots you’d notice 90% of my layouts have this blue color to it. ^_^ I can’t help myself! Alright I’m going to finish coding this layout… Buh Bye .

Hi everyone. I decided to write a blog a few days early. I had a few things to write about so I figured why not write earlier.

So first and foremost, let’s get the site updates out of the way. I updated three pages within the past week:

Pixel’s page in the Designer’s Showcase: I added downloadable emoticons for you. There’s only 3 sets but I uploaded them for you. You can preview each set of emoticons and all the set has to offer. All three are animated. I also added ‘keychain’ fairies that I had made. There were a lot more pixels shown on this page BUT I’m getting back in to pixeling and I deleted them because those might be going in to my sets that I will be selling someday. Last night I spent 2 hours pixeling a tree!!! Yea I’m freaking nuts. I wanted it to be perfect. The final outcome was me going “this is just going to have to do.” Mike said it was A LOT better than the previous ones I created so I was pleased enough with it.

Wishlist: I updated my wishlist. I added some few things. I updated things I had gotten already. I realized my wishlist is VERY small. I don’t have a lot that I want apparently. Which makes sense because when it comes to birthdays and Christmas I wouldn’t know what to tell people I want — even though no one asks because I don’t get presents. =[ But yea, that's updated so take a gander at that.

Finally, Signature Page: I've added a signature page to my "About Me" section. It is all the pixel (and some non-pixel) signatures or sig-tags I've accumulated over the years. Like I said on the page itself... I have collected these over the past 5-6 years. If you find your artwork on there and you want to be linked back because it isn't linked, let me know. All of the ones I got recently have been linked to the proper owner. (Btw, if you didn't know, THOSE are pixels... cute little scenes or people. That's what I have gotten back in to.)

Ok. So the reason for the title of this blog, Everything electronic I touch, I keep breaking. Ok, not everything. My laptop for one is fine... *knocks on wood immediately* No, so my tiny point and shoot camera took a shit. We have two cameras... a point and shoot Samsung T100 and a Canon Powershot SX10IS which is a DSLR. The whole purpose for buying the point and shoot camera was because the Canon was huge and difficult to lug around everywhere we went for those spur of the moment shots. The Samsung I kept in my purse at all times. Which was awesome. Well, while Nick was on Spring Break, we went over to Lynn's house to color easter eggs. So I whipped out the camera, which Mike had just used like a week or two ago to take pictures for this contest he was doing... I took a photo and this is what I got:

Yellowy, grainy, with lines across, nonsense. WTF!? I took TONS of pictures and that's exactly how they turned up. OR when you take them then you review them it would show bigger lines on the screen then it would like load a lil more and the lines would smooth out but where the lines were it would get brighter. WTF.

So, Mike came over to Lynn's that night and I told him about the camera. I went to show him what it looked like but the camera had died.  So, I had to wait until later on after it charged to show him. I charged the camera and I went and took two pictures. They turned out FINE. There was no lines on them, the color was fine. OK! It worked again!!!

So, we went to the park a few days later. I brought my good ol' trust Samsung point and shoot. I went and took pictures and the picture was completely white-out. Like it had a flash that was so powerful everything was white because it was too bright. It wasn't the sunlight because even in the shade it did it. WTF!? I was getting pissed at this point. It didn't work, it no longer worked!!! So I put it away. I bought it out later that night to show Mike the photos and how they were taking. He said he'd try a few things and see if it worked. Nope. Didn't work. It was shot. First the HP laptop doesn't connect to the internet and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. Then my camera takes a shit. THEN my external takes a shit. I CAN'T TOUCH ANYTHING ELECTRONIC.

[Just realized... this blog entry is going to be WAY longer than I was expecting it to be. Bare with me, mkay?]

Next on the agenda, Matt’s and my court hearing. Little back story: Matt had stopped paying me child support back in November 2011. He said it was because he no longer “worked” with his bar but now owned it? IDK it was messed up. So I got nothing for months. Then all the sudden in Feb. I got a payment for like $100. He’s supposed to pay me $237 a month. So I don’t get anything else. Then out of no where I get his state taxes, which was a good chunk of change. Then I get a good chunk of change from his unemployment. Then a payment from unemployment once a month of $52 for two months. So I pursued child support enforcement back in Nov. asking them to investigate why I wasn’t receiving child support anymore. As the months passed, and he didn’t make regular payments they took it upon themselves, even though he had pay that huge chunk with his taxes and unemployment, to file a court date.

So, that’s why we had a court date. I knew what was going to happen before we even walked in the door. I figured it would take five minutes total for them to say what they have to say and then we’d be sent on our way.

Well, I arrived there 45 minutes early because I didn’t know how long it was going to take me to get there. (I don’t drive the freeway so I take side streets wherever I go) I also didn’t know if there was going to be any construction along the route I was taking. So I left an hour 15 minutes early. Google Maps said it should take 45 minutes to get there taking the route I had planned and mapped out. OK, gives me plenty of time to go just in case there is construction and traffic is backed up. Yeaaa, it took me 30 minutes to get there. There was no construction. So, I waited in my car for a while. My phone started to die so I couldn’t really play on that. I finally got out when we had 15 minutes to go. I went upstairs and checked in. I got a piece of paper that had my income levels and such in it. I filled it out and then went back up to turn in the clipboard. I walked back and I saw Matt. I didn’t notice him come in. I went and sat by him. I couldn’t really talk to him because there were rules posted ALL over the room. No Cell Phone. No Talking. No Food or Drink. No Headware. Lots of rules.

So they called us in. We got up, handed her our paperwork and went in the room. Matt was being civil. He let me go ahead of him and choose the chair first. So we sat down. The commissioner said his normal ramblings “This is in favor to establish support for the parties of Nikkole **** and Mathew ****” He then started on with his questioning, “Matt what’s going on with your work?”

“Well, I am working two jobs now.” (Which btw, is a lie because he’s working three MAYBE four jobs right now. But is probably being paid under the table.)

“Where do you work?”

“Four Point Sheraton Hotel and Target”

“When is your first paycheck, or have you gotten it already?”

“My first paycheck for both jobs will be this Friday.”

“I assume child support has already been contacted regarding these jobs and the support payments will be taken out of these checks?”

“Yes.”

“Ok. Let’s come back for a review in a few months to ensure you’re making your payments. If you’re making your payment it will be a 30 second court hearing. Let’s make it for July… 8:15am or 3:15pm?”

I chime in, “3:15pm please.”

“Ok. The review will be on July 23rd, 2012 at 3:15pm. Matthew what do you do at your job?”

“Lift boxes and such. So next time you see me, heh, I’ll be more buff.”

“*Chuckle* Very well… see you in a few months. Court adjourned.”

That was it. We were seriously in there for TWO minutes. Matt showed his charm, he got out of whatever trouble he could have gotten in to. I had to roll my eyes at the “buff” comment. So there you have it… That’s what happened at court. What happened next is pretty funny too. We’re walking out and he goes, “Hold on. I have to get a work excuse.” Idk why he told me to hold on. Did he have something to say to me? So I waited in the hallway for him. He was surprised I was still standing there when he came out. So, I ask him, “Do I have to be here for the review?” Because on the piece of paper it says something like “Court Ordered Matthew **** to attend in person on July 23rd, 2012 at 3:15pm” and he had to sign it. I didn’t have to sign it and it doesn’t say my name ANYWHERE on the piece of paper. SO, do I have to attend? Because if I don’t, I’m not going to. He said he didn’t know and we walked down together. We got to the parking structure and he went on the 1st floor and I went down to the basement. I started walking to my car and he all the sudden appeared behind me and caught up to me. He was like, “I can’t find my car. Is this the level where the street is?” I’m like “Yea. this is the ground level. Upstairs you would have had to go up one level.” He’s like “Oh ok. I’ll find it.” He practically walks me to my car and then veers off looking for his. Did he really have a car or did his ass have to take the bus because he doesn’t have a car and uses his girlfriend’s car all the time. *shrugs* I don’t know. I don’t care.

So, I have one final topic. My medication… Everything is going great. I’ve stabilized. No racing thoughts. No manic nights of staying up until 3-4am. No major rage attacks. No depression. No crying spells. No feeling worthless. My concentration is there. (WHICH IS HUGGGE) Everything appears to be great, right? Well, its not. Slowly the side effects of these medication is going to kill me.

I can’t cry. Physically I cannot cry. Stub my toe. No tears for me. Mike and I could have the worse break up in the history of man… Hell… I could find out Mike’s cheating on me… I wouldn’t be able to cry. One, or all, of my medications make me physically unable to cry.

I’m dumb as shit. No I’m not exaggerating here. I am fucking dumb as rocks now. Mike made a comment about it the other day. While hurtful it was true. He’s gotta explain things 2-3 times before it clicks in my head as to wtf he’s talking about. I can’t do basic math in my head anymore. Half the time when I talk I don’t make ANY sense whats so ever. Words come out completely wrong. I don’t think before I speak. I say some really fucked up shit. Thing is… I don’t know if ANYTHING can fix this. I don’t know which medication is causing this so it’s not like i can request a different med. I don’t know if all of them is causing this. I’m on SO many different medications its no wonder my brain is complete mush. I don’t like being stupid. I’ve never been stupid in my life. I used to be very bright. I used to be witty. I WANT THAT BACK.

My memory is gone. I have absolutely NO memory anymore. Mike could tell me something and 5 minutes later I wouldn’t remember what he said. I could have something VERY important that I’m supposed to remember. I can repeat it to myself every single minute for days and I will fucking forget. Again, with all the medications I’m on its NO WONDER my brain is complete mush…

Let’s think about it; I’m on Lithium… 1200MG of Lithium. Risperidal 2MG. Wellbutrin 200MG. Finally Temazepam Uhmmm IDK the MG but its the lowest. ALL OF THIS = BRAIN MUSH. 

I rock back and forth when I’m standing still. Doctor thinks this is from Risperidal but I lowered that to practically nothing and I STILL do it. I don’t realize I’m doing it. People ALWAYS point it out to me. “Nikkole STOP IT!” Soooorrrry. Just because I don’t realize I’m doing it doesn’t mean when you point it out to me I’ll be able to just stop. I do though. When someone points it out to me I hold myself as HARD as I can to not do it anymore. *SMH*

What do I do about this? How do I tell my pdoc, “Uhm yea… IDK what’s causing it but these medications you have me on are causing me to be stupider by the day.” I dont want Mike to have to be with someone who he once thought was smarter than what he has right now. I fear it’s only going ot get WORSE. Honest to god, this makes me want to shoot stability out the window, stop taking ALL meds, and go back to being what I was being… I’d rather be smart and a nut case than be stupid and stable.

*Sigh* IDK. I’ve written enough for the day.

]]> http://eternalamour.com/i-cant-touch-anything-without-it-breaking/feed 4 http://eternalamour.com/sometimes-i-dont-understand-my-kids http://eternalamour.com/sometimes-i-dont-understand-my-kids#comments Sat, 14 Apr 2012 22:51:00 +0000 Nikkole http://eternalamour.com/?p=6447

Edit on 04/16/12

Hey everyone.  I just wanted to let you all know I decided to organize my external hard drive. Upon doing this I found some items I’ve added to the site. I’ve added some emoticons that you can download! Some of my hardest work ever made. I worked extremely hard on these so please link back to me if you use them. I appreciate it. You can find the emoticons here: http://eternalamour.com/design-showcase/pixels/ Thanks everyone.

So yesterday was nice… Mike had taken off of work (like a week or two in advance) yesterday so we can have a family day together. We looked at tons of different things we could do. We live in Milwaukee, WI remind you. We looked at going to Schaumburg, IL for LegoLand. That didn’t pass after we read reviews for it. The reviews were HORRIBLE. So pass! Next we looked at going to the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago, IL – about a 1hr 45min drive from us. That was $200 total for us to go! To a museum! $200! We weren’t sure how the boys would react going to it either. For  instance how well Mikhail would listen to us since he wouldn’t go in a stroller. So then we looked at going to Wisconsin Dells, WI. The Nations Home to Waterparks. We looked at staying at a room for one night, that included passes to a waterpark. We were looking at $200-250. Not entirely what we wanted to spend. We could have taken them to the museums or Discovery World here in Milwaukee but Matt takes Nick to those all the time. So he’s bored with going to those places. We didn’t want to go somewhere he went to almost every single time he is at his Dad’s.

So what was there left to do? We decided to go to Gurnee, IL and go to the mall there – Gurnee Mills. Its a much bigger mall than here at home. They have a toy store so we figure we could take them there. It was something to do. We weren’t going to be spending a ridiculous amount of money there. I could look for a new purse. We could test to see just how well Mikhail listened to us and stayed by us. Granted, a mall … isn’t that much fun. We get that. But the point of the excursion was that we were doing it together as a family and we were going to spend time with one another.

So we went. We walked around the entire mall. It took us about two hours to go through the mall. We stopped at the toy store and let them pick something out. Nick picked out a Star Wars action figure. Mikhail didn’t want anything. That’s right. He didn’t want anything. *shrugs* So, we continued on. Once we got to the end of the mall we decided what we were going to do for lunch. We could eat at one of the two food courts or we could eat at Rainforest Cafe. Mike was feeling generous and we hardly ever go out to dinner together so we went to Rainforest Cafe. We all sat down. Had a nice lunch. Spent too much money. I’m sorry but that place is effin’ expensive! They charged us $3 per soda!!! $3! A soda! Hmph! Whatever. We had a good time. The boys enjoyed that we sat in front of a fish tank with that had Dory in it. They were nice and full. They enjoyed the animals that were around them. Good. They had a good time. That’s all that matters.

So we left the mall and headed home. Mike asked me if there was anywhere else I wanted to go. I knew I wanted to go to Walmart for something but I couldn’t for the life of me remember why I wanted to go there. So we got home and all changed in to our lounge clothes and relaxed. We spent about 3-3½ hours at the mall and eating. Not too bad. Granted we didn’t spend all day there like we would have had we went to the museum in Chicago or at a waterpark in the Dells. We just didn’t have the money to do anything like that.

Once we were relaxed, I remembered what I wanted to go to Walmart for. The boys DVD player took a shit. I wanted to go there to buy a new one. (We don’t spend a lot on their DVD players because the thing is constantly on and so they die pretty quickly) So I took Nick and we went to Walmart. I went to buy him a DVD player and he started whining about how he wanted to look at the toys. I say “No. You just got a toy at the mall, you don’t need to look at the toys.” So he started to whine.

“You never let me do anything. I just want to look. I don’t want to buy any.” he said.Again, I tell him no. He goes, “Fine. Can we look at the books then? I need new books. I need to read. My teacher said I have to read five books.”

“Nick. You have two days left in Spring Break. Why didn’t you tell me you had to read 5 books before this? If it was so important you would have told me sooner. Besides you have a boat load of books at home you can read.” Which is the truth, he has TONS of books. He doesn’t touch them. I tell him no again. He starts to whine and ask repeatedly if he can look at the books or toys. I get so frustrated. Finally I’m like, “Look, I’m buying you a new DVD player. I don’t even have to do that. I could make you two go without. I could have said too bad, go without a tv. No. I’m nice enough to replace the DVD player as soon as it breaks so you guys can have a TV when you go to sleep – which by the way, I think is a bad idea in itself because you guys don’t go to sleep but we’ll talk about that later. I’m getting you a dvd player. You already got a toy. You don’t need a book.”

He didn’t like that answer. So he pouted and whined some more. I should have turned around and put the damn DVD player back. I should have but I didn’t. So I bought that. We headed home.I didn’t hear a thank you. Not once. Not a single “Thank you for buying me a DVD player, Mom.” Ya, I know, my kids are spoiled rotten. I emphasize on the rotten part because they are rotten.

Ok. That was yesterday. So today, what has happened? Well, I slept in this morning until 9am. Mike always lets me sleep in on the weekends. Thanks Babe. The kids are ok. They’re not good. They’re just OK. So we are just relaxing. Mike’s on the computer. I’m on my phone. The kids start fighting. So, I go and break up the fight. Then they start fighting again. This time Mike breaks up the fight. Now Mikhail keeps going in to the fridge looking for something. He had already ate. He’s just bored and wants to snack on something. He takes the chocolate syrup and drinks it. He comes out of the kitchen, chocolate syrup in hand, with chocolate running down his lip. UGH WTF!?

So Nick comes out and starts whining about god knows what. That’s the thing about Nickolas. He DOESN’T SPEAK, HE WHINES. Everything out of his mouth is a whine. I tell him to clean his room. Which is NEVER an easy task because of his ADHD. He will go in there, pick up a few things, then sit there twiddling his thumbs. I’ll go in there and say “Clean your room!” Again, he’ll clean up some and then stop and go play with something or twiddle his thumbs and sit. So I have to physically go in there and direct him to clean up this, clean up that, put that in the garbage, put the blankets on the bed, clean up that. Fine whatever. His room his cleaned now. So we leave. We go to the store. There’s a few groceries we need to get so Mike can make his eclair torte for tomorrow. Nickolas: “Can we look at the toys?” No. No. NO! “Can we look at the movies?” Fine. Look at the movies. “Can we get this?” No. “Can we look at the games.” Mikhail picks out a game. I tell him he can get it. “Well can I have this…?”

“No. The only reason your brother is getting something is because he didn’t pick something out at the toy store yesterday. You did. He deserves something. You don’t. You already got something.” So we continue on. I tell the boys, “I’m done buying you guys stuff during the year. You can wait until your birthday or Christmas. That is when you will get toys, or movies, or books, or whatever. Because Santa doesn’t know what to get you when it comes time for Christmas presents. Mom and Michael doesn’t know what to get you for your birthday. I’m tired of this.” Now, I said that.. will it stick? No. Because I’m a push over and my kids get what they want, because they whine and I can’t take the whining and I give in.

So, Mike has experienced anxiety issues. He got real bad anxiety when he was going through a lot at work. He’s more recently been getting it after yelling at the kids for a few times. He had asked me to go get his anxiety medication – which he hasn’t had to take in quite some time. He had to take it because he had to yell at the kids so much. He finally says something along the lines of “I can’t keep yelling at them.” So that leaves it to me. The boys have been awful today. They’re been fighting… They’re not listening. They’re talking back. They’re acting like they’re the ones who run the house. JUST AWFUL. So now it’s up to me to discipline them. I don’t know any ways to discipline them other than yell at them to knock it off because time outs don’t work. You give Mikhail a time-out he INSTANTLY gets up from the couch/bed/corner and runs away. Its a game to him. I can sit there and put him back in to the time out space over and over and over and over and over again until I’m blue in the face. I spent, one day, over an hour and half doing this. Putting him back in his time out spot and saying “you are on a time out. you sit here until I say its time to get up.” he got up and got up. AN HOUR AND A HALF! Its pointless. We only spank in extreme measures. Only Mikhail though. We don’t spank Nickolas. I think its because I fear he’ll go to his Dad and tell him we’re hitting him and I quite frankly don’t want to deal with Matt’s bull shit if he thought I were hitting our son.

So what’s left to do? I already know I’m a push over and I need to knock that off.

I already know my kids run my life and that’s not right.

I know something needs to be done.

I know I have to step it up and be “the man” when it comes to disciplining them when Mike has a strike of anxiety.

All these things I know… I just don’t know how to change my actions. If I knew how to be the perfect parent, I’d be it. I’m FAR FROM the perfect parent. I also realize there’s no such thing as a perfect parent… just work with me on this. Ok. I ran out of things to ramble about. I just had to get this off my chest. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. If you’re gonna bash me because of how I parent, save your breath. I don’t want to hear it.

My eyes change color depending on my mood. They go from green, to blue, to gray. I have blue eyes majority of the time. That’s whats on my drivers license.

I intertwine my fingers and my toes in edges of blankets, sheets, and pillow cases. You know, over one finger, under the next, over the next, etc. Then I make a fist to pull it tight. This is how I sleep at night. I can’t sleep without doing this. It drives Mike bananas I’m sure. When I’m stressed out you might find an empty pillow case near where I sit just so I can run my fingers through the fabric. It soothes me.

Love bananas. Can’t eat them frozen. They’re disgusting frozen.

I microwave ice cream. It started because I had really bad sensitivity with my teeth and it just never ended. I must now eat my ice cream melted. The ONLY way I can get away with not doing this is if I get ice cream from a restaurant or of course, if its in a cone.

I’m addicted to the color Dodger Blue.

Almost every layout I’ve made has had this color in it. There are very few that didn’t. I love this color. Obviously its my favorite.

I’m a coffee drinker. I’m a coffee lover. BUT I drink coffee with cream and sugar. A LOT of sugar. This is frowned upon in the coffee hipster world. Apparently you can only be a coffee lover if you like your coffee black. BLEH to that. I don’t agree with that. MMM Coffee. I could drink it all day long if my stupid coffee pot didn’t shut off automatically after two hours. Bah!

My current addictions include One Tree Hill, Woot Shirts, Pinterest … I’ll come back to this, I know there’s more to this list.

I love the fact that I’m able to be a stay at home Mom. Unfortunately because of my condition I can’t see working anyways. I also hate being a stay at home Mom because I am home with the kids all day long, every single day. BUT even when I did have a job it didn’t matter that I was getting that break from the kids. I still felt like I was with them 24/7. So that break I got when I went to work meant nothing. If any of that made any sense.

I struggle with my kids. I do. I have a hard time coping when it comes to being a parent. Hell, I never wanted to be a parent. It was dealt to me and now I’m dealing with the cards I was dealt. I love my kids. Wouldn’t wish them away but MAN I’m having a tough time. I beat myself up constantly about it too. “You’re not the perfect Mom. You don’t do this correctly. You’re supposed to be doing that.” Its pretty endless.

I could spend the entire day on the internet without getting so bored I’ll get off. I can pretty much find just about something to do for every minute I’m awake. This is an addiction. I’m working on correcting it. Somewhat.

I can’t wait to call Mike my husband. In the 6 years we’ve been engaged we have never seriously started planning a wedding. At this point I’m beginning to think it will never happen. Something, SOMETHING needs to happen. How can I know he’s invested in me if nothing happens. A conversation about marriage. A day of planning our dream wedding. Acknowledgement when I mention something I’d love to have if we were to ever get married. SOMETHING. Its been 6 years already dammit. What is going on?!

I hate getting dressed up. Jeans and a T-shirt are alright with me but I’d much rather be in sweatpants or even pajama pants. I’m a tomboy. A lazy tomboy.

I’m one lazy SOB. You know how you have those days were you simply do absolutely nothing but the bare minimum just so you can relax and veg out? That is my life. I’d love to change this. Be more active. More involved. But that’s not something that can be changed with advice you read on the internet. It has to come straight from deep inside you. I don’t even know where to begin to change this. I don’t honestly know if I want to change it. No. I do. I think. Either way, I’m lazy as hell.

Like I said, I’m a tomboy. I was raised camping and fishing, watching the races, etc. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I remember the first time I told Mike I loved the smell of race gas. His eyes glistened over like he had fallen deeply in love with me again. HA-HA.

I refuse to spend a lot for anything. $25 or less for jeans. $10 or less for shirts. $30 or less on shoes. $20 on purses. I mean c’mon, a purse that costs you hundreds and I emphasize on that S of dollars on purses? FOR WHAT? To say you have a brand name purse and you can flaunt your money which makes you look only materialistic? That’s awesome.

I’m a “closet punk/goth”. I would love to wear all black, baggy clothing. Dye my hair black with ridiculous colors. Have tons of piercings. But… its just not me.

I’m openly an attention whore. I love feeling love and affection and need constant reminders of acceptance or I feel as though I’m not good enough.

If I won the lottery, first things that I would get: a house (nothing huge, a modest four bedroom home with a two car garage, refinished basement), permanent teeth (implants or something), two new vehicles for us, college tuition for the kids,  and buy Mike’s family cottage.

I’ve had my drivers license for three years now. Every time I get in to the car I’m grateful I have it. I count my blessings. I went too long without being able to drive.

I’m addicted to Mountain Dew. I’m down to one to two a day. (Bottles, not cans)

My hair and nails grow fast. REALLY fast. But if I were to have fake nails I can’t function with them… real nails could be the same length and I can function with those fine. Odd.

I love winning sweepstakes, but it takes a lot of motivation and dedication to enter the sweepstakes.

My first car is a 92 Buick Centry. I bought it off a friend for $500. It has given us a few problems but nothing Mike couldn’t fix. It’s far from my dream car but it is my car.

I hate, HATE, HATE laundry. I hate it more now that we don’t have our own washer and dryer in unit. If I could do without one chore for the rest of my life it would be laundry.

I’d like to think I will eat just about anything, but then I really think about it. Things I won’t eat include avocado, brussel sprouts, asparagus, anything spicy except tacos, frozen bananas HA, liver, veal… I also can’t eat artificial flavoring. Splenda, Aspartame, etc. My stomach feels as though its eating itself after I eat it. If I eat something with it I can taste it instantly. It stands out to me that its in there. Even after people say “I can’t taste it” I can.

I have had every hair color there is. Brunette, Red, Black, Blonde… well blonde looked more orange because I bleached my hair but I didn’t put toner in it so it turned orange. Not a good look for me.

My eye sight is horrible. My prescription is -5.75 in my right eye. -4.25 in my left eye. My lens are thick as hell. I wear contacts as much as possible.

My bipolar has gotten extremely worse in the past five years. Five years ago you’d never think anything was wrong with me. In the past five years though it has gotten progressively worse.  My rage has gotten to be the worse it has ever been. My mood swings and instability have been awful. It feels like the more I treat it, the worse it gets. Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up on treating it and see if I can lead a normal life without all the medications and therapy. I know deep down inside it won’t matter and that I need the meds and therapy to survive this. I just wish I knew why it was getting worse. It seems child birth sets it off and it takes a few years to recover.

I will not be having anymore children. Neither of my children were planned. They were blessings sent to me to teach me a lesson. I could barely handle the two let alone thinking about having another.

I got dentures at 23 years of age.  Full upper, partial lower. I have eight permanent teeth left. All on the bottom. Want to read more about that go here: http://eternalamour.com/finally-getting-my-dentures/

I have the worlds pickiest eaters. I have to make three or four variations of one meal. Mike won’t usually eat the sides only the meat. Nick won’t eat any of it. Mikhail will eat some of it IF he feels like he’s up to it. This has caused me to lose all interest in cooking. I don’t know what to make for dinner anymore. Honestly, I’m CLUELESS on what to make for these guys. Nick’s down to wanting grilled cheese for every meal. Mikhail will eat chicken nuggets and Viola meal every meal. Mike wants something but never knows what it is. UGHH!!!

Favorite foods include but are not limited to: Tacos. I could eat tacos at least 2-3 times a week. Chicken stir fry. My version. Garlic chicken, stir fry veggies, and ramen noodles. MMM Steak, mushrooms, onions, and baked potatoes. I could honestly eat this once a week.Cereal. All kinds. I could eat cereal for three meals a day. If I like Special K more I’d be so skinny.

I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) while I was pregnant with both boys. I had it worse with Mikhail (youngest) than I did with Nick. Its a rare (but getting more popular) disease which causes non-stop nausea and vomiting while pregnant. I lost 50lbs during each pregnancy. I threw up close to 30-40 times a day. Thus the reason I need dentures. The stomach acid wrecked havoc on my teeth and caused erosion. I was on a support board during it. Made some friends. I can’t go back to the support board – too many bad memories. I feel guilty because of this. I used their help during it and I just dropped them. Not cool in my book. Can’t go back to it though. Its been three years, I feel I have nothing to contribute to the conversation.

I’m on quite the medication cocktail. I’m on Lithium, Wellbutrin, Risperidal, and Ambien. People say its no wonder why my memory is shot. Or why I’m zoned out sometimes. But apparently this is keeping me sane… and alive.

EDIT: I’m going to include this from my old variation of my website.

♥ I am 21 years old. ♥ I was born on July 30th, 1986. ♥ My hometown is Milwaukee, Wisconsin. ♥ I have lived in Milwaukee my entire life. ♥ I was born with black hair with blonde streaks. ♥ I’ve always had natural highlights. ♥ I have blue eyes that change colors with my moods. ♥ Everyone thought I’d grow to be really tall, I stopped my growth with smoking at 5’4″. ♥ I weight a lot more than people think I do. ♥ I’d rather wear sweat pants and a tshirt than get all “girlified”. ♥ I’m a very low maintence type of girl. ♥ I’m a tomboy. ♥ I love camping. ♥ I miss going to the race track with my dad. ♥ I used to go fishing all the time. ♥ I’m not afraid to get a little mud on me. ♥ I loved going for walks through the woods.♥ I’m addicted to everything sweet. ♥ I could drink soda all day, ever day. ♥ I dont lead a very healthy life style. ♥ I was scared to death of having my son Nick at 16. ♥ I dropped out of high school because of a guy. ♥ I’m engaged. ♥ Mike proposed to me in front of the Cinderella Castle in Walt Disney World at 2am. ♥ I’ve been in Illinos, Tennesse, Kentucky, Arizona, Colorado, Nevada, Florida, and Wisconsin. ♥ I’m addicted to Kim Anderson Pictures ♥ I dislike meeting new people. ♥ I’m an insomiac. ♥ I could be online 24/7 and not get bored. ♥ I go crazy without the internet. ♥ Im a cheap drunk. ♥ My baby boys is my life. ♥ I could say the script to well over 30 movies. ♥ I remember more stuff than I would like to, or should. ♥ I was raised by more people than I know about. ♥ My parents divorced when I was 4 years old. ♥ I cannot stand Nick’s father. ♥ I’m addicted to mountain dew. ♥ I dye my hair burgendy and blonde. ♥ I love One Tree Hill, Prison Break, and Gilmore Girls. ♥ I wanted to be an interior designer, teacher, architect, and a web designer when I was younger. ♥ My sister and I have fought alot. ♥ I usually hurt people when I wrestle. ♥ When I have a daughter, her name will be Peyton. ♥ If I have another boy, his name will either be, Branden, Kayden, Jordan, Tyler, or Hunter. (this was written before Mikhail was born… I was dead wrong) ♥ I write out lists for EVERYTHING in my life. ♥ I’m old fashion. I’d rather be a stay at home mom, that cooks, cleans and works all day with the children. While my husband works. ♥ I want a very traditional wedding. ♥ I miss having a kitten. ♥ I have 6 tattoos. Only one in which was done professionally. ♥ I have my tongue, eyebrow, and ears pierced. ♥ I’ve always had a computer. ♥ My typing wpm is over 85. ♥ I really hate doing biographies. ♥ I wrote my “life story” at the age of 17. ♥ People easily annoy me. ♥

I’ve been sick the past few days. It started with Nickolas and Mike. Nick had congestion. He couldn’t blow his nose, he was just stuffed up. Mike had sinus problems. Then I got sick. I had the congestion really bad but worse I had a real bad cough. So I question on facebook, “What does pneumonia feel like?” and Mike’s Mom called me. She was like, “Did you call the doctor? Did you make an appointment? If you think its pneumonia go get it checked out!” I was like No. No. And I don’t think its pneumonia. I was just asking what that feels like because I feel like death. She got on my case about it so I called and made an appt. Got to the doctor and they made me wear a face mask. Oh yay! Got checked over by the doctor and found out I have  bronchitis and a viral infection. He prescribed a cough medicine and an inhaler.  What’s messed up is I was coughing so hard my chest felt like it was caving in. I called for the appt and I stopped coughing. I didn’t cough the entire day. smh go figure.

My Valentines Day was fun filled with going to the doctor as you just read. Because I had to go to the doctor I had Mikhail over at Mike’s Mom’s house. So we just stayed for dinner. Went home. Mike opened his card. Said “I love you too”. That was the extent of my v-day. Nothing spectacular. I wasn’t expecting anything spectacular. Mike went on my Amazon wishlist and found one of my books I wanted. He told me about it… that he got it for me. So I went to check out which one it was because I had put it on my wishlist like a year prior. I’m reading the reviews for the book and it turns out it is a kid’s book. It’s a listography book. A book where you basically just make lists about various things. Well, I put the kid’s version on my wishlist – which is the one Mike ordered. Doh! Not his fault. It’s completely my fault. I should pay more attention to what books I add to my wish list. I still plan on doing the book. It will just be a little sillier because its questions for kids. OR! I will do the book with Nickolas. Get a notebook for him and have him write out a list for each thing. It will give him the opportunity to think a little more than he’s used to. Yes… I do believe that’s what I’ll do.

We still haven’t found a new car yet. I was gonna say “We haven’t found a new car for me yet” but it’s gonna be my car so yea. It will take some time and looking around before we buy. Don’t want to just jump in to anything right off the bat. There’s gonna be big changes regarding cars over the next coming months. We’re buying a new car “for me”. Once Mike fixes his truck – whenever that may be – he’s selling it and buying something else. Which is when we’ll be getting rid of my car. I don’t know what we’re doing with my car. I doubt we’ll sell it to anyone although there’s nothing majorly wrong with it. I just don’t know what’s gonna happen. All I know is I have $1000 sitting in my savings account that I can’t touch that’s calling my name. LOL I know, I know… its for the car. I get that. But the spending money I got from my taxes came and went so quickly.

I wish I was getting child support – then this wouldn’t be an issue. I should be getting a fairly larger check within the next month or so. Matt’s finally doing his taxes. He goes, “Well you’ll be getting my state taxes so be expecting that.” No buddy, I will be getting your state AND your federal. Under my case information it says “State Revenue Intercept: Active and IRS Intercept: Active.”  I also know this because when Mike owed to child support for the medical bills for Mikhail they intercepted his state and his federal. So I should be getting a nice chunk of change from Matt. He’s going to be PISSED when he realizes I get both. He’s probably not going to take Nickolas for a few weeks/months because of it. Nick deserves this money. Matt was pissed off because I have been telling Nick he can’t do stuff because Dad hasn’t been paying me child support. He’s like “Why are you telling him that?” I’m like “Because its true, isn’t it? I dont have any income unless you pay me. Nick can’t do his after school activities and go to the store to get stuff unless I’m getting income from you.” He didn’t like that answer. Another thing that’s annoying the hell out of me. When I’m talking to Matt on the phone its not only him on the phone. Its him and his girlfriend on speakerphone. So I’ll ask a question and she’ll answer. She’s nice and all but this isn’t concerning you at all! This is concerning me and him and our son. Not you. Like, I’m grateful she’s a nice girl and she feels comfortable enough to talk to me but jeez.

Alright I suppose. I have to clean up the living room again! I just cleaned it but a tornado called Mikhail came through and destroyed it again. Again if I think of something else to write i”ll edit this post. So long for now.